"People have their own lives"

[alfreddo82]

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

My children are 2.5 and 4 so yes it does hurt my feelings that family aren't interested in them also.

The once per month I'm referring to could be that in a timespan of 30 days I see my DF when he pops in for a cup of tea for 30 mins. I've stopped inviting DH family to see us as I am sick of always being the one to do all the running around.

Well TBF you moved abroad.. because you had your own lives.

It sounds like they are interested in seeing your reasonably often, but not living in your pockets. No one is being unreasonable, you just have different expectations.

Re your kids - I don’t think it matters if you’d tribe is friends or family or both, as long as you have one.

Good luck with the move back, sounds like the right thing to do.

I think there are people here who would say the same as you relatives OP which is why they're being quite harsh towards how you feel. Some people are just not family orientated. We see GPs every week alternating for childcare and most weekends we spend some time with either grandparents or sibling and cousins or friends sometimes both. If we're planning a day out to the zoo or the beach etc others are considered if they can't come no problem, but our lives are very connected. Not everyone wants that in fact posters have recoiled in horror previously at the amount of time I willingly spend with my MIL. Sounds like you've made the right decision to go back to where you had a good network

We have all family from 5 mins to an hour away. We see them less than once a month. Some only one or two times a year.

That doesn’t mean we don’t care about what’s going on in anyone’s life or that we have a bad relationship as we don’t, everyone is just busy with their own lives.

The amount you are seeing family does sound reasonable.

Assuming you didn’t discuss and agree before moving back that you’d see them every week (or what ever amount you think is acceptable) then you can’t blame them for you uprooting your lives.

I was very close to my maternal family as a child, big family dinners and what not. When I had my own children, it was their fathers family that provided this and not my own. The difference was my Mum had 3 siblings close in age who were having children at the time she did. When I started my family it was my ex husbands brothers who were at the same stage of life. I think it’s cousins/children of the same generation that drive that sort of thing in the main.

OP, I completely hear you.

We lived abroad for many years and then returned with young children so we could be near GP's and other family. We got that phrase and another on top. There is one of DH's family member who constantly told/tells me "If you live abroad, you can't expect to have the same relationship with family as the others". That may be true, but don't need telling it every 5 minutes.

We moved back with our DC, and deliberately moved close to one set of GP's. Then they upped and moved away.

It was OK when we were providing a free holiday home, paid for holidays, paid for all the food and drink and excursions and sent lovely Christmas and birthday presents though.

We have had zero help from either side of our family since being back, and at times it has been very tough as although we moved back, my DH retained his old job and has to work away a lot.

The most upsetting thing for me was my nephews wedding. When he was small I used to look after him all the time. He got married and me and my DH and DC were excluded from the photos. We were the only family that was not in it. Even girlfriends and boyfriends were in them!

Unfortunately living abroad and having that experience, and often coming back with a large wad of cash, has it's sacrifices. One of them is family often carrying on the "hump" that you went away, and then came back quite flush.

In the end I made great friends, and they have been my saviour. Also, we people have "our own lives" too. Accept it, carve out your own joy and leave the door open, but don't wait around for someone to throw you a fish.

Yeah you see.. I consider myself quite family orientated but this would be way too much for me, I like a balance of friends and family.

And this is why whenever people discuss emigrating on the expat boards I always say to them consider very carefully how important your family is to you if you’re in an out of each other‘s houses every weekend emigrating is gonna be an incredibly miserable experience and it’s not gonna be resolved by you giving it ago for a couple of years and coming back, if anything that tends to be the worst case scenario.

I returned home when my daughter was six weeks old to avoid this scenario.

How far away from them do you live? Once or twice a month sounds pretty normal!

You moved away (and assumed lived your life without a second thought for the people you didn't spend time with) now that you're back, you want them to disturb their routines to fuss about your kids ?

I think a lot of people with kids think others should make an overbearing effort with them.

Only on MN are people unreasonable for expecting thier parents and siblings to show an interest in their children 🙄

In my family those who've remained near one another are more involved in each other's lives than those who live away. I expect if we moved closer to family there wouldn't be a shift in our habits because they've got used to us being away.

Honestly op I totally get what you are saying.

They just don't care that much and it hurts, it really hurts. PP that haven't experienced this can't possibly understand how sad it feels, and this is highlighted I think by your expectation that your move back would give you the family connections and love you crave. The truth is that you miss that sense of support because it was probably never really there.

If you were much happier overseas, and had a life you loved I would consider moving back - and effectively now 'living your best life' - you have tried 'family' life here and it has proved to be a huge disappointment. They are a huge disappointment. I would make plans to go back whilst the kids are still small and portable and work what you want from your lives in the longer term.

I have found friends far more supportive than family over the years, and there are lots of people like us. Don't be dismayed. Adapt, accept things as they are not how you wish they were and enjoy YOUR life now op. They have given you the green light.

Why do you think she doesn't have a life outside of that? Maybe she really has nothing else going on, but people on Mumsnet really devalue family.

If a single person had friends and no husband or children, would anyone say 'that friend has no life outside me'? People have different setups in their life, some people are closer to friends, others to family.

Having a husband, parents, siblings and all the family that goes along with it, sounds good to me.

Wow twice a month sounds amazing, I'd give anything for my DC to see her grandparents that much! She sees them once every 2 months and only because I make the effort to travel to them (they are a 3 hour drive away). I've never lived in a different country but it was my choice to live a 3 hour drive away. So the onus is always on me to maintain that relationship with them and my DC. If I didn't make the effort once every couple months she wouldn't know them at all. Makes me very sad.

We have been back for two years and lucky if we see GP or siblings once twice per month now.

Seems fine to me but then my mum lives miles away from me so only see her 2-3 times a year! Nothing wrong with having your own life. They DO see you and the GC - you just want it more frequently than them.

Just makes me sad that we uprooted our lives and gave up so much so the DC could know their family and they barely see them

Thats an odd reason to move back - was that the real reason?
Any other drivers for moving back?
Did you consult them about this and your expectations or make a unilateral decision?

Hi OP,

I totally see where you are coming from. And I disagree with so many of the other posters who are saying what did you expect, or you had too high expectations.

Culturally people in this country are not known for being warm and welcoming.

We know now that good relationships - friends, family etc. are one of the foundations for happiness.

I think the stresses of modern working life and parenting don't create the right environment for people to take pleasure in people's company anymore.

I would be disappointed too in your position. I think the only thing you can do is cultivate your own relationships. Go hard with hosting and inviting people over, get involved with community activities etc. and create the kind environment you want - it will take a while (years potentially).

We know that loneliness is on the rise, leads to diminished quality of life and reduces peoples life expectancy. The who "people have their own lives" thing doesn't fly with me - it's this kind of thinking that makes people feel like they can't make a social move because everyone's so busy.

Totally agree with you.

I've been there. It's so awful to feel shunned.

It' a partial sentence it's should be "they've got their own lives and you are not an inherent part of it (a may never be)"

See also: "busy" (with other people) "struggling" (you are the last person on their list to see or not even on it)
"Spinning plates" (you are not a plate)

In this case, OP, I was about to say YANBU until I read that you were abroad. Your were happy to live so far away, with limited physical contact until you had children, then realised you want family around after all. They got used to you not being there.

Can see why it's upsetting though

Sorry OP you don't get to play the " woe is me" victim card.

You moved abroad and did exactly what you claim is being done to you, you went to live the life you wanted and think about how that might affect the people you left behind.

Now you have come back and expect people to fit into your lives. If you feel like you made mistake in coming back, that's on you. Stop blaming everyone else.

The irony of you moving abroad to lead your life and then moving back and expecting others to suddenly make you and your kids the centre of their universe!!

@weinerdog

It always surprises me the lack of value that posters on this forum place on family.

Most of my friends have such close family connections. Best friend has her mum for childcare any time she needs it and spends time with extended family pretty much every weekend.

I just hope when my DC are older they want to spend time with me!

Another one who thinks that you were quite happy leading your "own lives" when it suited you but now you have DC and need/want family to be more involved, you wonder why?

Can you not see the irony of your post?