"People have their own lives"

[alfreddo82]

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

And I have no regrets about moving back from the other side of the world as in the past ten years we have lost 3 out of four of our parents all in sudden circumstances. I am so glad my kids spent time with them and have memories.

Well to be fair you had 'your own lives' until you decided you didn't want that life for the reasons given. In the meanwhile everyone else has made their lives without you. It's a bit much to come back with a here we are let's re integrate because that's what we want.

Sorry forgot to add, that even though we spent a lot of time together, they still gave us loads of grief and the cold shoulder when we came back. However, I have seen other people have lovely relationships with their parents staying.

Also CD what’s Christmas looking like? Make a big family Christmas? Open house so people can see you but do their own traditions, that they did while you were away?

Yes because wishing my parents or siblings would take my DC out for McDonalds or to a park twice per month is the same as expecting them "to make us the centre of their universe"
Have you offered to take their DC out?
Have you cooked a nice dinner and invited parents over? No pressure for minding the DC.
Have you organised a family barbecue or something similar?
You have to reel the fish in.
What have you done for the family to bring them together?

My DC are the only grandchildren on both sides and always will be. None of our siblings will have their own kids for various reasons.

This.

It was the same in our family - couple returned from abroad with their small child so the kid could ‘spend more time with us’.

It was quite transparent that they couldn’t have cared less about us when they were swanning around abroad (we hardly ever heard from them) but now expected us to spring into big happy family mode because they felt their DC was missing out.

They also failed to take into account that their kid was was good 8-10 years younger than my siblings and me, I mean who expects a 15 year old to want to spend loads of time with their 7 year old cousin

You can't and won't change them.

Weirdly my parents loved me a lot more when I was thousands of miles away, they missed me! Distance can make the heart grow fonder. They pleaded for me to move back home, I did eventually, and guess what after the initial excitement of being back they soon went back to their ways of doing absolutely nothing to maintain a relationship. That didn't change when dc were born. They are selfish, and think everyone else should do the heavy lifting.

Do you want to go back?

I would think about seeing a counsellor and talking though your disappointment, so you can live without resentment. Not everyone has a dream family op.

i think it is sad
were your parents close to you before you left?

it seems like they are cutting off their noses to spite their faces.

You left a You-shaped whole in their lives when you left. They filled it with other stuff. Now they’re happy to see you occasionally, but there’s an emotional distance.

Are they annoyed that you moved away in the first place?

I think you are missing the point that many posters are making.

You left your family with no choice but to build their lives, their daily routines, their support networks without you, when you moved overseas. You presumably decided your parents and extended family could manage without you - and, as normal, well-adjusted people, they did manage without you.

From what you say, you are spending time with them, just not as much as you'd like. But you can't expect them to have left a huge space in their lives for the x number of years you've been away, on the off chance you might come back to fill it.

You'd need to give it time to work your way into having a larger place in their lives, to fill spaces as and when they appear. But you've said you're going back, so it's just as well they didn't make a lot of adjustments - perhaps they sensed that might be on the cards and didn't want to come to rely on you.

I can understand why you’re disappointed. Have you actually told them how you feel?

IME, every family is different this way. It can be hard. If you are already close and find relatives to be supportive in the beginning (different for you if you lived abroad at that time), I suppose it must happen quite naturally what kind of relationships you have between yours and extended family.
It was quite awkward for us with all sorts of new and different dynamics going on.

Covid was a blessing in disguise in one way because it gave us an opportunity to take a break from family and actually work out how much we wanted them in our life and how it was all going to work.

This turned out to be especially important because we ended up buying a house close to both gp’s. They have both helped us out a lot with the house and everything and with my dd. They don’t do childcare because I don’t to but we do regular visits and see other much more regularly than you’ve described (and we have had a lot of difficulties in the past, we just sort of pushed through them).

They will need support as they get older. We live nearby now and they’ve helped us out so much plus I’m a sahm, so if they need help with anything even if I was reluctant (which I’m not), it would be difficult to say no. So, keep in mind that close relationships work both ways.

And in answer to your question about the phrase “we have our own lives”, honestly yes I tend to use this on people who I feel are being demanding on my time and a pia. I especially use it since I had dd. If it’s just that I have other things to do, that’s what I say.

what is happening at christmas op @alfreddo82

This is well put.

Same for us, our families were devastated when we moved abroad.

Why not make the effort beforehand then?

They say we'll come back one day, but for what?

You keep hearing it because it's true.

When we first moved back we did all these things (bar take out their DC as they don't have any)

I've also hosted them for Christmas each year and I am doing the same again this year.

Did you consult your wider family before moving back? Did you lay out your expectations? I think you’re being very disparaging about them for no reason. I love my son dearly, but see him about once a month-he lives 50 miles away. I have lovely friends but only see them every couple of months. I’d find weekly get togethers stifling. As I speak, I’m getting ready for my stepdaughter’s visit for Sunday Lunch. I’m really looking forward to it- it only see her every couple of months but neither of us see that as a negative thing. I think you’re being unfair on your family that they aren’t living up to your expectations of what ‘family’ should be. Enjoy seeing them when you do and find other things to do with the rest of your time.

I'm sorry for your situation. I wonder how strong your family ties were before you emigrated? The thing is when a family member moves abroad (unless for dire safety or economic reasons) they are letting everyone know how much they value the family ties, the ongoing day to day relationship etc. If moving abroad is more important than that that's a choice you're free to make but family will understand they were less important that whatever the reasons for moving were.

are they just lazy so and so's?

If your siblings can’t/don’t want children then perhaps that’s the reason they are keeping their distance.

Everyone does have their own lives and are busy but it is not that difficult to find an hour every once in a while to visit your family. We have this with my inlaws. Rarely visit us. We live 40 mins down the road from them. MIL rings and tells me it's been so long since we've seen you all. I have young kids with busy social lives and work full time. She has a lot more free time than me. Constant guilt trips. I visited last weekend and they left us alone while they went out to do errands for part of the time. Clearly didn't suit them but did it for the kids. Won't be long until they don't want to go and that'll suit me fine. Husband has already given up on them. Family is just not that important to some people.

Can't say as I blame you for moving back to your previous country, @alfreddo82
It's very disappointing. :-(

The once per month I'm referring to could be that in a timespan of 30 days I see my DF when he pops in for a cup of tea for 30 mins. I've stopped inviting DH family to see us as I am sick of always being the one to do all the running around.

Is it all them (not) having to come to see you? Do you not go and see them?