"People have their own lives"

[alfreddo82]

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

Thankfully for us, we realised our families would never make time for us whilst still living in the UK. We moved abroad and despite thinking sometimes that we are missing out on family, I know we aren't.

Ironically our families were devastated when we left, tears and everything.

If I were you, i'd move again, remembering this lesson. We focus on our kids and friends here and are bringing ours up family-focused.

Where we lived previously we were socialising most weekends as had a close friendship group so I'm just sad I gave that up.

Expat life can be amazing. You meet strangers from all corners of the world and they become great friends and do anything for you. Also, you can get lots of paid inexpensive help.

Personally if you are struggling and unhappy here, I'd go back. The schools here are not very good, and if you have no parental or sibling support or joy, I'd be on the next plane back.

When they are teens you will have to rethink again, as DC need roots and wings to fly. They need a base. You then may want to consider moving to the UK to a good school, and a place your teens can flourish and grow, rather than base it on being near GP's who you don't see.

@Luredbyapomegranate so you think it would be ok to accept free childcare but when they want to see us socially we're too busy?
DH and I both work FT over 4 days so get 3 days off a week each, to spend one day or even just an afternoon/evening (as we did yesterday with PIL dinner, a walk and then fireworks) with friends and/or family doesn't feel like a lot to me. In fact we're meeting a couple of DHs friends later for lunch and an activity. So two days this week we're doing things with others, it's not a chore it's enjoyable. I think if spending time with your family or friends is seen as a chore the problem is with the relationships not the amount of time

I think too much expectations are the causes of all woes. You shouldn't expect everyone to care about you, it's actually childish. You'll have to get on with your situation and accept the reality.

I do understand where you are coming from. many years ago we returned from living abroad so that our kids could grow up with their cousins around. As soon as we got back , my db and wife announced they were moving 200 miles away to be near her parents and we see very little of them so have still ended up very isolated over the years. I think you just have to accept that perhaps family isn't as important to some.

Do you think there's an element of "You buggered off when it suited you, we missed out on our grandchildren when they were babies but now you're back for free childcare?" in their minds?

I'm not saying that's the case btw, just wondering if that might be how they see it

It always surprises me the lack of value that posters on this forum place on family.

Maybe your family feel like you didn't value them when you moved abroad for several years 🤷🏻‍♀️

Did you not think about the impact that moving abroad would have on your family relationships?

I feel for you, but I think when you move away it does sometimes mean that people's lives move on and then there isn't as much room for you in it....(not your or their fault, just the way it is) also depends on the relationships within the family, my parents see /look after both my and my sister's DC every week at set times and we often arrange extra things too as they live for their grandchildren and we are close....however my DH's mother hasn't seen my children for two years (not for lack of effort on our part)! I don't think there's anything wrong or unnatural in wanting to be more involved and connected in family's lives, I agree with you that it's sad when people don't want or have that. I hope that over time this changes for you, and you also develop some amazing friends who want to be in you and your children's lives too xxx

But family could say the same about you moving away. I think everyone does what's right at the time

I understand it’s disappointing and have felt the same way myself in the past. However, it is what it is so you need to just accept it. Also, you did choose to live away from your family for several years so maybe that is partly why you do not have a very strong connection with them.

Yet another "you shouldn't expect your family to care about you post"

How ridiculous.

Go back! Life is short. I'd love to have a good friendship group close by to be doing things with.

It always surprises me the lack of value that posters on this forum place on family.

You've been living abroad, the dynamics of their relationships are set whether it's a weekly meet ups or phone calls.

You can change by offering help and not wondering why they're not dropping their routine for your family.

We're a very close family who helps each other though it comes at a cost of giving and taking even when it's unwanted.

But people DO have their own lives. Work and their own kids etc. you complain they don’t want to see your kids. How much effort did you make (when away) to be a part of their lives?

Yes because wishing my parents or siblings would take my DC out for McDonalds or to a park twice per month is the same as expecting them "to make us the centre of their universe"

Sadly I was born into one of those families, @alfreddo82. Because this is mumsnet people will fall over themselves to tell you that you’re wrong, but the truth is some people have caring families and some people have shit families who wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire because something more interesting is happening elsewhere. Both sides of my family have been utter disappointments since I had my baby and my mum died simultaneously. I try not to think about the things I’ve done for them over the years.

I would be delighted to see family of nice or twice a month, I have no one near to me. I travel several hours every couple of months to collect a relative and bring them for a visit

Stop comparing yourself to your friend and her family. Did she ever move away ? I bet not. You sound incredibly me me me @alfreddo82
Relationships are built not expected, you want more than they're prepared to give as you've been out of the loop

Yes exactly. I know my parents were very upset at not seeing their first 2 grandkids as babies which is why we moved back to be near them. I think maybe it's a bit different when you don't have kids.

I guess everyone has different expectations. I try to see my parents once a month and we have a lovely time but weekends are busy and as a family unit if 5 dc have clubs and I work full time plus I’m studying for a masters so I’ve not actually seen them since August (They’re coming for lunch today). It’s not that I don’t love them but life is busy balancing everyone. You say once or twice a month so that’s a quarter or a half of available weekends are spent with you. How many do you think should focus on you and your dc?

@thelobsterquadrille

So many people seem to have the "well you buggered off abroad for ages I can't be arsed with you now" attitude - and it totally stinks!

If my child or a friend moved abroad for a few years or a decade even, when they came back I wouldn't want to see them any less as a result of that.

Are there any cousins or might there be soon. Activities with cousins us usually a good reason for families to get together e.g kids birthdays or religious occasions/ ceremonies or days like Christmas/ Easter.
if cousins might appear on the horizon soon I would stick around as that could potentially change the possibility of get togethers and opportunities for family time.

You can actually still have a good relationship with your family if you live abroad. One side of our family came out twice a year, once for 6 weeks. We travelled around the continent and did amazing things together. They got to do things they would never have done if we hadn't been there. How many of you can add up the hours you have spent with your parent and come to 6 weeks?

Meanwhile back home their other DC has come round every weekend but also caused them no end of stress with their dodgy choices.

I knew a lot of people whose parents were obviously sad they were away, but also came over a lot and shared the lovely life they were all having. In fact, many of the friends I made are my friends mums who I hung out with loads.

Perhaps you had an old fashioned view? Weekend life with children these days is a round of practices/ matches) classes/ clubs. Parents are exhausted and may not have the energy for anything else. Could your kids join an activity with their cousins?

Seeing them a couple of times a month seems reasonable to me. Anymore than that could really eat in to their own plans and ‘lives’.