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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum should help me more with DC?

513 replies

changingstreets · 13/11/2022 07:46

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless Sad

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 13/11/2022 07:53

It certainly is.

Yanbu to wish she would help.

Personally, I think it's awful when people who are supposed to love you watch you struggle and won't help you (if they physically can)#

That said, she doesn't have to. She doesn't want to. You have no choice but to accept that.

Exception. People who give nothing should get nothing. So if someone happily watches you struggle when they could help you but just don't want to then fair enough but they lose the privilege of being helped in their time of need because fuck that shit.

IncompleteSenten · 13/11/2022 07:54

What the ever loving fuck.

How the hell did that text get so bold and big?

IncompleteSenten · 13/11/2022 07:55

It's like the internet agrees with me so much it felt it really needed to highlight that bit 🤣

WashableVelvet · 13/11/2022 07:55

This sounds tough. I can see why you’d value your mum’s help so you could occasionally get a nap in the school holidays. Have you actually asked her or has she just not offered? The time you describe - she said yes and did it! ‘Yeah that should be ok’ sounds fine to me

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 07:55

@IncompleteSenten your post is so right. Thank you

I know, I must accept it. Just feels so rubbish as she's generally very nice, I have always been extremely close with her. But she says she just can't handle DS and he makes her really tired

She's 53 so not 'old' but not as young as me which must be harder I suppose for various reasons

My mum just does so many favours for other people and is always there for various family and friends who would never help her in the shoe was on the other foot

That's why it's so hard to accept

OP posts:
Cosycover · 13/11/2022 07:56

Well you will get people saying no because mumsnet is just funny that way.

But I think she should be helping you yes. If this was my mum she absolutely would be helping me out. Especially if I was alone.

I really hope things get better soon.

TumbleFryer · 13/11/2022 07:56

Where is the father? Why isn’t he doing more?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/11/2022 07:57

IncompleteSenten · 13/11/2022 07:54

What the ever loving fuck.

How the hell did that text get so bold and big?

I thought You had uploaded a pic! Grin

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 07:57

TumbleFryer · 13/11/2022 07:56

Where is the father? Why isn’t he doing more?

As I said upthread, he left me for a younger version. He can't 'handle' DS can't be bothered and idolises DD in front of him. He can't 'understand' he says. I don't want DS around someone like that. It's bullying behaviour and I won't facilitate it.

OP posts:
Namechangedforthisonetoday · 13/11/2022 07:58

Your mum is being very unfair. Yes she’s not duty bound to help you but Christ alive where is her sense of compassion for her daughter who is so clearly struggling? If you were mine OP he’d be here at least once a week so you could get a break. I cannot for the life of me understand families that choose, actively choose not to help and support each other if they are able.

2greenroses · 13/11/2022 07:59

No, your mum doesn't need to help, especially as it sounds like your son has SN. She might have any number of reasons, but she doesn't want to, that is all the reason she needs.

Are you working? If not, put the 2 year old in nursery and sleep during the day?

Untitledsquatboulder · 13/11/2022 07:59

What, how'd you do that?!? You're not wrong though.

OP I think it's really shit that your mum won't help you out. For your son, have you considered something like a safespace? They are expensive but some charities will fund them (hell ss might fund one if you push enough) and it might really help you with overnights.

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 07:59

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 13/11/2022 07:58

Your mum is being very unfair. Yes she’s not duty bound to help you but Christ alive where is her sense of compassion for her daughter who is so clearly struggling? If you were mine OP he’d be here at least once a week so you could get a break. I cannot for the life of me understand families that choose, actively choose not to help and support each other if they are able.

Thank you

I suppose it's harder for me to swallow because she's always offering favours and help to people who wouldn't help here in return

For example, a random school mum who doesn't pay her much attention etc put on Facebook she was stuck at an airport, and my DMum was in the comments offering to come get her whole family!

OP posts:
upfucked · 13/11/2022 08:00

Can I ask why you think your Mum who’s in your 50s should be able to cope with your DS but it’s OK for his to just say he can’t? i think your anger is directed at the wrong place.

Have you actually said to your Mum that you are really struggling and asked for help?

TidyDancer · 13/11/2022 08:00

I'm sorry you're going through this, it would be nice if you had more help, I agree. I don't think you can really obligate anyone to step in unfortunately. As your mum has been honest and told you she's not able to cope with your DS, are you able to have a straight up chat with her and ask if there's any 'middle ground' support she can give you? Such as coming to you and being a second pair of hands in the house while you're still there? Perhaps overtime she would then feel more confident and capable of having him on her own.

Mommabear20 · 13/11/2022 08:01

YES YABU!
It's one thing to wish she'd help, and it'd be nice if she did, but he's your child, and therefore your responsibility to care for, not hers!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/11/2022 08:01

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 13/11/2022 07:58

Your mum is being very unfair. Yes she’s not duty bound to help you but Christ alive where is her sense of compassion for her daughter who is so clearly struggling? If you were mine OP he’d be here at least once a week so you could get a break. I cannot for the life of me understand families that choose, actively choose not to help and support each other if they are able.

I have and always will support my DC, However, I have been crystal clear with them when they eventually decide to have DC themselves I will not be doing childcare.

IncompleteSenten · 13/11/2022 08:01

I have absolutely no idea.

OP have you heard of family fund? They give grants to people who have a disabled child and like the poster above says, safe space is good and FF might help with the cost

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 13/11/2022 08:02

That’s just awful OP. She sounds mean. I wouldn’t be bothering with her much anymore, and make sure when she’s old and struggling that you remember this and don’t go running about after her (probably a bit mean but I’m cross on your behalf!) You are a single mum with a child with additional needs and your own mother isn’t supporting you. Mumsnet is a funny place and family support seems frowned upon 😬 so maybe I’m just old fashioned. But I know where I’m from and the family I have, we’d never leave someone struggling in this way.

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:02

@upfucked I have been in a very dark place before with childcare issues - she knows how hard I have it. I was in hospital last month for septic liver and telling her I couldn't get hold of ex, what am I going to do etc etc, my mum said she didn't know and she just didn't think she'd cope with the lack of sleep, the nursing team had to call her and said outright if someone didn't come here for the DC, social services would have to get temp foster care in place Sad

She then ran here

OP posts:
medicatedgift · 13/11/2022 08:02

Why do you expect your mum to step in where you don't expect his father to?

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 13/11/2022 08:03

zero would you not want to support your DC if their child happened to have additional needs though? I understand (sort of) not wanting to babysit the odd night, but this situation feels different to me personally.

Cosycover · 13/11/2022 08:03

Honestly some of these comments are ridiculous. Of course no grandparent HAS to help but surely most do? Especially if they can see their own child struggling? Imo I will never stop being a mother and will help my kids with anything until the day I die.

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:04

medicatedgift · 13/11/2022 08:02

Why do you expect your mum to step in where you don't expect his father to?

I do expect his father to. But his father belittles him ever since the younger sibling came along and it's a form of abuse, if we're frank. I've said this upthread

OP posts:
Untitledsquatboulder · 13/11/2022 08:04

@Mommabear20 is that how you'd treat your dd one day? Seems like there's a big difference between how the OP's mum likes to be perceived (oh so helpful) and what she's really like.