To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

This is tough. Your Mums plate is pretty full too.

I don’t know what I think really. I don’t have children, but I work with them and therefore make a great babysitter. However, I work full time and I don’t have children because I value my free time to do things the things that I want to do.

My SIL thinks I should look after her children more often. I think my nieces are great, I’m happy to have an occasional day out with them. But my free time is precious to me, I have hobbies I want to do and I don’t really want to spend my free time hanging out with small children instead. Maybe that’s selfish of me, but I opted not to have children because I could see it would be hard and monotonous. I would absolutely look after them in an emergency.

I’m sorry your mum doesn’t help you as much as you’d like, but perhaps she finds the needs of you ds too much to cope with. I do think you should be more upset with the father though.

If she lives a four hour round trip away I'm not sure its reasonable to have your expectations of childcare

Yes I would try talking to your HV, it might be easier to get the 2yr old into nursery than to get respite. It would also benefit her if you are more rested and if she has interaction with other children.

Many people on Mumsnet are fiercely defensive of disinterested grandparents and parents of adult children but don't let it make you feel bad about yourself. No she doesn't have a legal obligation to help you. It is shit that she doesn't have enough compassion to want to. It is only natural to expect your own mother, who was your primary source of safety in the world, to be the last person to abandon you in your hour of need. A few hours a month certainly don't sound excessive. I hope you find a way out soon

@kitcat15 what's unreasonable about a few hours for the day, once a month? As I say, no expectation for her to drive to me. I do all the driving

Hi OP,
Would you be allowed to use your child's respite allocation as an individual budget and find someone yourself to come to your house to help?

Does your child get DLA? I'm only asking that as helping to ease financial strains is one less thing on your plate x

Zerofuchsgiven well you could say that about anyone .we have all raised our children. Op is in a bind and needs help ffs .who could sit by and watch their child struggle like this.she has been seriously ill.

Should a mother want to help her dd when she's on her knees with exhaustion!? Yes she bloody should.

I've been where you are op. It gets easier I promise x

She lives 2 hours away and is still parenting herself!

it would be great once a month so you could do your nursing degree

Why doesn't your mum work op?

Nursing degree?

She's mortgage free and my dad sends her a small amount each month to live off

She doesn't want to work

I also thought it was strangely similar…

Shes got 2 other teenage children....she lives a 2 hour drive away....wtf ???!!! .....she must likely works too....she absolutely should not be expected to provide regular childcare....she has on occasion....and thats fine

@changingstreets do you know anyone in the place your mum lives to meet up with during that time? What would you do there for a couple of hours if she were to have him? I’m assuming you wouldn’t drive all the way home again as by the time you get back it would be time to set off again.

Nursing degree?! 🤣 I am a lone parent to 2 DC, one profoundly disabled

How is her plate full? She doesn't have a job and just has two teenage children

Personally, I don't believe parenting and helping your children stops at 18. I chose to only have the number of children I can manage financially and emotionally and that means in the future, not just now. If one or both of my daughters is struggling and her life is really hard and mine isn't, then of course I'm going to help when I can. I can't fathom the thinking you wouldn't, but sadly it's quite common, as you can see on here

Didn’t we have a near-identical thread from the grandma/mum’s perspective last week?

Wasn’t it near unanimous that it wasn’t something that OP could reasonably do?

You sound lovely. It's sad though that so many don't. My mother never helps me , even when I've been really poorly there is no offer of help.

Get my eyes brows threaded, feet done maybe. Just a little walk around to feel more like a human not constantly on alert

I can’t believe you don’t mention that your OP that your mum still has children at home! Totally different situation!

OP I understand how tough life is for you, but your mum lives 2 hours away and has a 14 and a 15 year old at home! Those are tricky ages. What happened to your siblings when your mum had to drop everything when you were in hospital?

I've read similar threads over the years and what jumps out is that there are no expectations placed on male relatives - even the kids' fathers.

@changingstreets I would use the money to put your youngest in nursery during the day and have time to yourself then. Are you working?