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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum should help me more with DC?

513 replies

changingstreets · 13/11/2022 07:46

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless Sad

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

OP posts:
medicatedgift · 13/11/2022 08:41

Your dad pays maintenance for your siblings? Is she claiming all the benefits she's entitled to?

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:41

luxxlisbon · 13/11/2022 08:39

I can’t believe you don’t mention that your OP that your mum still has children at home! Totally different situation!

It really isn't. They're 14 and 15. She loves them at home a lot to do other things. I'm simply asking for a few hours once a month. I drive. I collect

What part of parenting 14+15 year olds would make that so hard?

OP posts:
mileenderr · 13/11/2022 08:41

2greenroses · 13/11/2022 07:59

No, your mum doesn't need to help, especially as it sounds like your son has SN. She might have any number of reasons, but she doesn't want to, that is all the reason she needs.

Are you working? If not, put the 2 year old in nursery and sleep during the day?

I really hope there's a typo in there somewhere and you don't actually think that having a child with SN is a great reason not to want to help. Surely the opposite is true??

Fucket · 13/11/2022 08:42

Why don’t you just ask her why? Get a truly honest answer. But accept it.

You have teenage siblings, why not invite theM over in the holidays and pay them babysitting for a couple of hours?

if the teenagers are hard work and unreliable then perhaps your mum has that to deal with daily and is in her own private nightmare.

Dibbydoos · 13/11/2022 08:42

Has your DC been diagnosed with any medical conditions? Does that mean you can access funding, like DLA? If not press for a diagnosis via your doctor, if yes then apply for funding and use it to find a DBS checked part-time helper who can provide respite for a few hours a week. You might find a childminder would work too.

Bless him, he doesn't have it great either, on meds so young :(

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:43

TheMatlockMangle · 13/11/2022 08:40

OP I understand how tough life is for you, but your mum lives 2 hours away and has a 14 and a 15 year old at home! Those are tricky ages. What happened to your siblings when your mum had to drop everything when you were in hospital?

I've read similar threads over the years and what jumps out is that there are no expectations placed on male relatives - even the kids' fathers.

She came and collected my DC and then brought them to her house... nothing happened to the 14+15 year old Confused they're fine to be left for a few hours

They aren't phased by DC at all

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 13/11/2022 08:45

If your op was should the other parent take responsibility for their child, yes they should.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 13/11/2022 08:46

She is helping you. You said she had your child so you could get your feet done. It sounds like she provides a lot of help and support, she just doesn’t want to do regular babysitting for you.

Recognise and appreciate what she already does for you instead of allowing yourself to focus on the one thing she doesn’t want to do.

medicatedgift · 13/11/2022 08:46

I found 14-17 harder than toddlers personally.

Friendship issues. Needing brought here there and everywhere or me waiting up for them. Helping with school issues. Emotional challenges.

Does your DS have a diagnosis?

TheSilentPicnic · 13/11/2022 08:46

I’m really sorry that you have it so tough and that neither the dad or your family will help you. Life is not meant to be like this. I think you are doing extremely well to manage at all. Hang in there x

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:47

ClocksGoingBackwards · 13/11/2022 08:46

She is helping you. You said she had your child so you could get your feet done. It sounds like she provides a lot of help and support, she just doesn’t want to do regular babysitting for you.

Recognise and appreciate what she already does for you instead of allowing yourself to focus on the one thing she doesn’t want to do.

But the issue is she's doing lots for other people and it just doesn't feel right. It's hard to appreciate someone taking DC in an emergency when they had to be told foster care would be doing it unless they did Sad

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/11/2022 08:47

ivykaty44 · 13/11/2022 08:45

If your op was should the other parent take responsibility for their child, yes they should.

I agree with this completely, Op sounds exhautsed and I would be too, but the focus is totally on the wrong person!

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:48

@ZeroFuchsGiven my mum is a safe and trustworthy person. Their dad has proved himself to belittle DS, a form of emotional abuse.

Of course I'm not going to push much for him to take him!

OP posts:
Bpdqueen · 13/11/2022 08:49

Your kid is 6 can't you tell him if he chooses to wake up at 2am he needs to stay in his room until a reasonable hour. I don't see why you need to get up with him

CheeseIsMyPatronus · 13/11/2022 08:49

I get that it’s exhausting and you’re on your knees, and I do feel for you. I also acknowledge you’re just needed a rant to let off steam.

I’m roughly your mum’s age. I also have teens at home. And I’m in full peri menopausal nightmare of exhaustion, short temper and joint pain. I would struggle with an active 6 year old, although I’d keep at it to help family out.

Except your mum has told you straight that she can’t cope with your DS’s additional needs. She just can’t. You say yes he’s hard but not that hard… but that’s because he’s yours and you’ve got strategies to manage around his issues. If your mum can’t cope with him one on one, I understand that must be painful for you to hear.

I’m sure she loves you all very much. Perhaps there’s another way she can support you. Can you get a nap at her house while you visit?

OoooohMatron · 13/11/2022 08:49

YANBU. If you were my daughter I'd insist on helping, no matter how difficult I found it. Sorry you're in this position OP

diamondpony80 · 13/11/2022 08:49

2 teenagers and menopause age, I’m not sure I’d be up it either. I’d do it for my Dd if she clearly needed it but I think i might find it difficult. Why can’t your siblings help though? At 14 and 15 they should be pretty capable (or at least could learn to be). In our family teenagers would definitely help out with younger cousins or nieces/nephews.

Daisychainsx · 13/11/2022 08:50

Sorry op, it sounds like you have it particularly tough but I don't think there's any onus on your mum to help here, especially when she has 2 kids of her own at home.
Does the dad take anything to do with his daughter? Could you sign up DS for a club or something that's suitable for his needs and send DD off to dad at the same time for some respite? I did read your previous posts but can't remember if you mentioned if DD was at nursery? If you cut out some of the 4 hours weekly drives you could spend some of that fuel money on a childminder or something?
Its bullshit that the dad upped and left and washed his hands of the whole situation, but it's not mums job to pick up his slack... although it would be really nice if she did and I can understand why you're hurt that she won't help when you're desperate.
Can you move closer to family to cut out these crazy long drives?
I'm a special needs teacher and the kids in my class almost all have a hobby/club. A lot of them do martial arts and love it, gives them the chance to run off some energy and it teaches them a lot! Could be worth looking in to?

Darbs76 · 13/11/2022 08:50

It’s clear it’s because your mum can’t handle your son. That’s tricky because I don’t know how you fix it. I don’t think I could watch my own daughter struggle so much and not step in but I’m not in your situation. Can you get any funded hours for your 2yr old so you can at least get some respite during the daytime when your child is in school?

NeedAHoliday2021 · 13/11/2022 08:50

At 6/7 I taught my dc to quietly go downstairs and get their own breakfast / watch tv on weekends. I’m kind of assuming that’s not possible with your ds but could he play quietly in his room until the sun comes up on a growclock? My friend has a son with asd and she pops a bowl of dry cereal by his bed when she goes to bed so he can wake up and munch. It gives her an extra 30 minutes sleep.

GeorgeA12 · 13/11/2022 08:51

The mum has brought children up presumably for at least eighteen years. Maybe she now trying to enjoy life or having a rest.

My mum never offered to help. I was on my knees with it. Not once when I brought her to see her did she say anything. Looking back I don't know why she didn't, so I can see both sides.

user1492757084 · 13/11/2022 08:51

Very difficult. Have you thought of using foster care as respite once or twice per month while you and your mother spend time together. Rebuild your energy and your relationship. My brother-in-law was a fantastic foster carer and sometimes the boys just need some one on one with their own sex. Have you thought of an action hobby - like cubs - for your son. Tire him out give him outdoor stimulation. Also ask the father to pick him up and take him there as it could be a positive time for them both to bond and improve. You ex should seek counselling too. You are right and he shouldn't behave like a mean bully to children. Do you have a dog? Would you son respond well to a dog? Could he be a dog walker once per week? Your mother is not helpful though she is being honest. I hope she can and does help more in the future. Seek out any hlp or counselling from school.

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:51

Bpdqueen · 13/11/2022 08:49

Your kid is 6 can't you tell him if he chooses to wake up at 2am he needs to stay in his room until a reasonable hour. I don't see why you need to get up with him

Ffs have you just skimmed read the posts? He doesn't understand. He is on sleeping drugs that doesn't work. His brain is wired for very little sleep but a lot of energy

OP posts:
medicatedgift · 13/11/2022 08:52

Have you stopped their dad seeing them?

Bpdqueen · 13/11/2022 08:52

changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:51

Ffs have you just skimmed read the posts? He doesn't understand. He is on sleeping drugs that doesn't work. His brain is wired for very little sleep but a lot of energy

Show quote history

If the drugs aren't working why is he on them