To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

Get a grip about this airport thing fgs, go back and read how many times you have said it! Would you really expect her to leave a 14 and 15 yer old alone overnight to stay 2 hours away to be there for ops son waking up multiple times a night? Don't be ridiculous.

medicatedgift@ Why do you expect your mum to step in where you don't expect his father to?
OP has explained that upthread.

OP can't force her ex to parent what do you mean?

Have you thought about putting your dd in to an extra session at nursery. There is some help financially for this or I'm guessing your DS gets DLA so maybe use some of that money. Just an idea.

Sadly it’s an ongoing battle to fight with social care and you need to be mentally strong to do it.

with getting what you are entitled to you need to look up your rights under the council SEND code of practise and see where they are not following it. Keep a log of everything that you send them.

make sure your ex is paying everything that he is supposed to as then you can use this money towards support but don’t pay for private care as then the council will assume you are coping.

as for your mum, she has said she can’t cope with him. So while this sucks for you you have to accept it. Can she come to your house and run the hoover over and tackle the laundry basket as although it’s not childcare it’s still helping. Be specific in your request for help.

I don’t actually speak to my mum. None of my siblings do either and now she’s coming up to 65 she’s realising that she has no help as she gets older and is trying to work her way back in. She can go to a Tesco value care home as no way is she living with any of us.

some people say they will help but if that airport mum had said yes please to the pick up would she have actually gone? Probably not. But they like the feel good attention online of people saying well done for offering

chase the council. It’s exhausting but once they meet their obligations you will be able to have a rest.

The OP said it herself, I keep repeating it because people clearly haven't RTFT. And we are talking about a 16 year old, and a 14 year old. Yes, they can be left overnight alone, the oldest is 16 for goodness sake, for ONE night, occasionally. Also, perhaps the MIL could have the grandson at hers so she doesn't have to leave the 16 year old teenager and the 14 year old.

If she wants to help her daughter she can find a way to do so. If it isn’t possible to be there in person to help at night perhaps she can find other ways to help? Cleaning, cooking, food shopping?

I can’t see how anyone wouldn’t help. I couldn’t not help you if I was even just your neighbour all things being equal. I have a friend who has two disabled children and one has finally had to be put in supervised care and she thinks she failed so much. She thinks she was awful and it breaks my heart. She coped and gave those kids everything until the younger one became really dangerous. She begged for help. She did all the courses. She followed all the advice. She tailored everything towards their interests and basically cut her heart out. And she thinks she’s terrible.

Im sorry I’m really upset at having watched her do absolutely everything she could and still feel like a crap mum. Respite for her meant she would have had an hour to do her work, or make something for their birthday. Anything that would have helped her feel less of a failure. When I think of how many parents out there don’t give a damn and I see mums struggling like this against.. well, the world. I’m extremely unhappy. It’s worse that you guys live in the west and we always have this belief that you guys have social support and therapies. We don’t in my country. When I help out mums I’m doing it by what I can pick up from watching the mums and whatever I can glean off the internet which is obviously laughable against someone who knows what they are doing. Half the time with kids in my country they don’t have a diagnosis. So I kind of have to guess. Make it up from what I vaguely know.
I don’t know how to fix your problem but I see you and I’m sorry and I honour your struggle.

Is there a university near you with students doing degrees in therapies? Would they be better as carers because they are more knowledgeable? Could one be paid to come to the house and play with him while you nap? If it works out for a while. Or would that be illegal.

You need to speak with your mum about this.
You say she's lovely and you're very close so ask her what help she could give you as you're exhausted .

Maybe YOU should read the full thread,the oldest is FIFTEEN! Both at gcse age. No their mother should not be leaving them staying 2 hours away during a school week and no their sleep should not be disrupted when they have school the next day by their nephew staying there. I really feel for the op but these solutions are not workable.

I really feel for you. I could have written this when I was younger. My son was very hyperactive/ADHD, i was extremely sleep deprived. Single parent, my ex was rubbish with him/unreliable, my Mum wouldn't take him/support. My solution was to make my bedroom completely childproof, put a high snib lock on the door and have a tv in there. When I got to the crying tired stage, I'd put juice, crisps & biscuits out, a film on & lock us in so I could snooze knowing he was safe. Not ideal, but i was desperate.

As he got older, I got an ikea bed tent (dark material with stars), put nice sensory lights in it, an ipod with earphones and he was allowed to be awake but not to rampage around. He could lie in his bed & listen to music/look at a book. He got rewarded for doing this with computer time. It kind of worked, enough that i didn't go crazy. There's a great online forum called Adders, I got so much non-judgemental support from them.

Unless someone's been in your shoes, they have no idea. Sending you a massive hug, it does get better as they get older and learn to self-regulate better.

This woman has been parenting for 26 years at least, she is still parenting 2 school age children. She is running a home, cooking, cleaning, shopping for her family, why should she do all that then drive 2 hours and do it again for her daughter. This is not the solution!

Oh come off it, she's got a couple of teenagers who are at school all day. She doesn't work because her ex husband gives her money to stay at home. She's hardly working down a coalmine.

Totally agree. I’m baffled by the responses on this thread.
Someone even said that she should stay over a few nights a week for when the child wakes up.

With respect to the OP, I don’t think she realises just how hard parenting teens is, even NT twins. I certainly had no idea. And if she’s parenting those teens alone, having already raised the OP, I don’t expect she has much left of herself to give. She certainly shouldn’t be expected to.

@ZeroFuchsGiven because no one is asking the dm to drive anywhere or stay up at night or anything like that. The op will do the driving. Once a month. Wants 2 hours without the kids. To have a break.
Btw. Your username suits you.

*teens, not twins

I think Op posted this a few days ago.
This thread is exactly the same except she has been drip feeding.
Trying to make out her DM is being unreasonable when she still has her own family to look after.

I cannot imagine being such a fucking cunt to not help my own daughter struggling like this!

Maybe your mum’s frustrated his dad isn’t stepping up and quite rightly thinking, why is it down to her to help?

Is that language really necessary?

Is her daughter still not her family?

Dh leaves for the commute to work before school opens, but he does dropoff when possible. His work is too far away to leave later as leaving later will mean returning home later, thus making me late for work.
He admittedly gets more sleep week day's than I do, but makes sure I get long lie ins on weekends.

Ignore the unhelpful comments, ignorance must be bliss.
It will get easier @changingstreets it's hard right now & you can't rely on your mother, only she knows why. One day at a time

I can't believe some of the horrible responses you've been getting on here @changingstreets . The lack of empathy and compassion is astounding!

Your mum is hard-hearted to not want to help but at 2 hours' away from you, it's not easy for either of you. I can't understand why you and your DC couldn't stay over on a Friday or Saturday night, and let you get some sleep. FGS your siblings could help your mother entertain them for a couple of hours to give you some time to yourself!

However she isn't going to do it but I think you are going to have to find another solution. Could you find someone qualified and experienced in childcare whom you could pay to mind your children for a couple of hours, like a nursery worker or a teaching assistant? The shitty ex could pay...! xx

And the OP only has two children too, one of whom can go to nursery.