To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

Was your ex contacted when you were hospitalised? If so what was his response?

This - in your OP you say she refused but you also say she said yes.
Did she then say no?

If she doesn’t work at all at 53 is she disabled herself? Or wealthy? If the latter, could she help financially for you to put your 2 year old in nursery? Or have some help around the house?

Mumsnet will tell you grandparents never need to see the grandkids.
some of my friends grandparents are very involved and loving and mine aren’t and it’s shit Op. I understand and sympathise.

You could do it.
You're saying you wouldn't do it.

2 different things.

Op are you close in other ways? This would seriously impact my relationship with my mum if she was like this. And she really doesn't help me much either but I know if I was really struggling or there was an emergency situation she would step in. As pp said, if your mum is ever struggling maybe you will have to take the same selfish approach towards her. It's not how it should be in families.

Extremely close. Which is why it hurts as she's very good emotional support, and is always offering and running up to other people offering her assistance, time, money! My dad lives in another country now so don't see him at all

I thought it was deliberate, and quite appropriate! 😆

As I said, he wasn't answering. Later transpired he was in a meeting (he was, they're every month at the same time). But the DC had to go quickly so my mum was contacted twice and on the second time upon being told about foster care, said she was going to come get them

@Cosycover I wouldn't be up for it - I work full time and I wouldn't be able to cope. I'm disabled with chronic health conditions and I have ASD and adhd.

I couldn't do it.

Saying I wouldn't be up for it is just me saying I wouldn't be able to do it?

OP, Im sorry you're in this situation. She should help her daughter. That's part of love and caring.

But like you said, she won't. If i was you, i would tell her that you feel really hurt that she sees you struggle and she's the closest person to you. You have nowhere else to go for help. It leaves you feeling unloved and uncared for.
And then i would work on accepting the situation and redifine my relationship with that person. Because its not as deep as you thought, and you can close off parts of yourself to her.

Is there someone at DS's school who would babysit him? Someone who knows him would be ideal for him. What about both granddads? Your mum is a long way away but obviously steps up sometimes. I do feel for you and you must be exhausted. The respite situation is terrible, I hope that improves.

My siblings are 14 and 15

OP someone upthread suggested putting your 2Yo in nursery if you qualify for state funded hours. Then use that time for respite?

She should, and I would........I dont see the point in having a family if they're going to stand back and watch them struggle.

And one day she'll be old and will need you, in your situation I wouldn't be seen for dust when the tides turn.

was he then just happy to hear your DM had the kids? Or did he then think it was perhaps his job to go and get them.

I know you can’t force him to be involved or be kind to your DS but his input would make all the difference.

I’m in the same position as you OP but with 16 years of waking at 5am (or earlier). I am a single parent with not much help from their father, I haven’t had a night away from dd2 for 5+ years. My family don’t really help, my dm says ‘we are always here to help’ but when I ask for her to just sit with dd for a hour it’s like I’m asking for her to have her for the week. I know my parents don’t have to help me, they have done their time raising me but sometimes I would just love a break. I am in a battle to get more respite too after having nothing since before covid, my case is waiting to go to panel but my case worker cancelled our last meeting and has disappeared off the face of the earth.

It’s really hard and i think unless your living it then it’s hard to understand how bloody hard it is.

There we have it, Your mum lives 2 hours away and is still parenting Children herself!

@2greenroses No, your mum doesn't need to help, especially as it sounds like your son has SN.

why the ‘especially’?!!

So sorry it's bloody hard isn't if

@ZeroFuchsGiven there's never ever been any suggest she should come to me though

Your mum still has teenagers at home?

In time to come your Parents will require assistance from you. Please remember how they have treated you

And one day she'll be old and will need you, in your situation I wouldn't be seen for dust when the tides turn

I cant belive these comments, they are laughable, The Mum has brought op up, she has parented her but just because she doesnt want/cant help also raise her GK then op should fuck her off when she is old?

I think what some posters are missing is that for the OP she is on her own in parenting two small children and extremely sleep deprived.

Whether or not your mum “should” help, I hear you OP. It is lonely being on your own. It is hard, hard work. It is hard doing all the practical parenting jobs, making all the decisions, being the only adult who has to be “on” all the time.

I also understand why driving is respite of sorts.

OP, I’m so sorry. I think another honest chat with your mum might help.

If I was your mum, I’d offer to have your child overnight once a fortnight. I have children who get up insanely early too and have developed various coping strategies. By 6, they were pretty good at sticking to our agreed rules (mainly). I was pretty honest about how the early starts impacted me and gave them safe choices of things they could do that meant I could sleep or at least doze. I appreciate that your son might not be at the stage of understanding why the early starts are so hard for you though.

But I can hear your desperation and I’m so sorry. It is so, so, so tough. Please do have another chat to your mum.

I wouldn't have a non sleeping child overnight one night a week with a 15 year old in the house who is going to be working for GCSEs.

Goodness me I wouldn't dream of asking for once a week or even once a fortnight, and certainly not overnight! I just meant a few hours every month so I can breathe a little and look forward to that