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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum should help me more with DC?

513 replies

changingstreets · 13/11/2022 07:46

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless Sad

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:14

medicatedgift · 13/11/2022 08:13

You can't expect her to be different to how she is.

That's also true

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 13/11/2022 08:14

What about attacking this from a different POV. If your mum is happy to help. Just not with childcare could you ask her to support you in other ways. Cooking or housekeeping maybe.

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 13/11/2022 08:14

AloysiusBear surely the OP should be able to do what she wants in the bit of time her mum helped, why is it essentially up to her mum to pick what the OP is allowed to do? I’m assuming having a pedicure was a break and relaxing , which is exactly what she needs right now.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/11/2022 08:15

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 13/11/2022 08:03

zero would you not want to support your DC if their child happened to have additional needs though? I understand (sort of) not wanting to babysit the odd night, but this situation feels different to me personally.

I can never say never as
I am not personally in that situation but this really is something I feel strongly on, I became a mum at 15, I am now 41 and still have all 4 living at home, age 25,21,17 and 14. I have done my Parenting, Ive had my tubes tied, I dont want any more babie or toddlers to look after. I cant help how I feel and I certainly wont lie to my kids about that.

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:15

Singleandproud · 13/11/2022 08:14

What about attacking this from a different POV. If your mum is happy to help. Just not with childcare could you ask her to support you in other ways. Cooking or housekeeping maybe.

She doesn't like cleaning. She does make us dinner when we visit. And she lives 2 hours away anyway so can't just pop round for that stuff

I don't mind cleaning, I like it. I'm fine to keep on top of my home. That isn't the issue really at all

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 13/11/2022 08:16

You’re using quite a double standard here though, why is it okay for the father to say he can’t cope with DS but it isn’t okay for the grandmother to say this?

It doesn’t sound like your mum is purposely being unhelpful, she has said she can’t handle him and based on your posts he does sound incredibly difficult.
Could she take DD while DS is in school and that way you could have a break?

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 13/11/2022 08:16

As a last resort when the OP had a serious illness and the children were going to be put into foster care?! whyOY do your family not help each other then? I couldn’t imagine my mum (or anyone I know for that matter) being told their DGC would be put into care unless they fetched them from the hospital. It wouldn’t have needed to get to that point.

medicatedgift · 13/11/2022 08:16

Why do you drive a four hour round trip once a week when you're knackered?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/11/2022 08:16

Singleandproud · 13/11/2022 08:14

What about attacking this from a different POV. If your mum is happy to help. Just not with childcare could you ask her to support you in other ways. Cooking or housekeeping maybe.

why on earth should her Mum do her cooking or housework?

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:17

medicatedgift · 13/11/2022 08:16

Why do you drive a four hour round trip once a week when you're knackered?

Because I'm desperate and need someone to talk to, someone I love and know well

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 13/11/2022 08:17

The dad should be helping but won't ans is abusive. Mum is obv not doing her bit either. Maybe speak to gp and tell him or her how much you are struggling. I had sepsis and it took ages to feel right again. Try from this angle at gp.im surprised they sent you home like this. You need rest and care to feel better. Sending hugs to you xx

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:18

dottiedodah · 13/11/2022 08:17

The dad should be helping but won't ans is abusive. Mum is obv not doing her bit either. Maybe speak to gp and tell him or her how much you are struggling. I had sepsis and it took ages to feel right again. Try from this angle at gp.im surprised they sent you home like this. You need rest and care to feel better. Sending hugs to you xx

Sorry you had sepsis Dottie Flowers

What do you mean send me home like this? I am clinically well

OP posts:
NCFT0922 · 13/11/2022 08:19

changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:15

She doesn't like cleaning. She does make us dinner when we visit. And she lives 2 hours away anyway so can't just pop round for that stuff

I don't mind cleaning, I like it. I'm fine to keep on top of my home. That isn't the issue really at all

Show quote history

clearly, this is probably one of the reasons she doesn’t help out for a few hours! Bit of a drip feed that she lives 2 hours away, OP.
2 hours travel, 2 hours childcare, 2 hours back.

Does she drive? Does she work?

medicatedgift · 13/11/2022 08:19

Why can't she come to you?

That's an awful long way away and it's a lot to expect her to keep a child that far from home environment.

FamKeNekson · 13/11/2022 08:19

Stop visiting her every Saturday. Explain to her youre too exhausted and shes welcome to visit you here if she likes. When she visits go for a quick nap. Get your son into after school clubs as much as possible, where him out and give yourself maximum time in the day alone. Ditto get dd in nursery. Ensure ex is paying max maintenance.

WindyKnickers · 13/11/2022 08:19

In an ideal world you would have help from your mum and your ex and a big supportive group of extended family and friends but sadly that isn't the case and SN does sometimes lead people to step back in fear of not being able to handle or cope with the child. However the responsibility is on DC dad to step up and having a go at your mum because their dad is a piece of shit isn't really fair. Are there other grandparents/aunties etc on the scene who could help out a bit?

HotCoffee22 · 13/11/2022 08:19

Sounds really hard OP. I can see why you feel a bit short changed. FWIW I think your mum should be making more of an effort to support you. Even if that was helping you access the respite hours and researching how to help - just something to show she had your back a bit.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/11/2022 08:19

dottiedodah · 13/11/2022 08:17

The dad should be helping but won't ans is abusive. Mum is obv not doing her bit either. Maybe speak to gp and tell him or her how much you are struggling. I had sepsis and it took ages to feel right again. Try from this angle at gp.im surprised they sent you home like this. You need rest and care to feel better. Sending hugs to you xx

Mum is obv not doing her bit either

The Mum has done her bit by raising the op!

medicatedgift · 13/11/2022 08:20

I am 53. I wouldn't be up for a 4 hr round trip every Saturday to help look after a challenging grandchild. I couldn't do it. I work full time and I just couldn't do it.

claudiasfringe33 · 13/11/2022 08:21

medicatedgift · 13/11/2022 08:02

Why do you expect your mum to step in where you don't expect his father to?

This is such a shitty comment. Op has clearly said the ex left her for another woman and isn't interested in the dc. She can hardly force him to be involved.

Her mum on the other hand should want to help if she is able. I can't imagine watching my dc struggle to this extent and just sitting by doing nothing. The example of her being hospitalised is crazy!

Op are you close in other ways? This would seriously impact my relationship with my mum if she was like this. And she really doesn't help me much either but I know if I was really struggling or there was an emergency situation she would step in. As pp said, if your mum is ever struggling maybe you will have to take the same selfish approach towards her. It's not how it should be in families.

Snapdragon123 · 13/11/2022 08:21

Hi I just couldn’t read and run,

I have been in your shoes as my DC didn’t sleep much. DH left me for a younger model and I was left heartbroken and caring for 2 DC. My Mother didn’t help much either.

The DC are now classed as adults. The one with SN still doesn’t sleep much now.

My advice to you to take responsibility for yourself. Put yourself first. Stand up for yourself and don’t take any negative comments from anyone to heart. Keep pressing agencies to assist you.

In time to come your Parents will require assistance from you. Please remember how they have treated you.

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:21

clearly, this is probably one of the reasons she doesn’t help out for a few hours! Bit of a drip feed that she lives 2 hours away, OP.
2 hours travel, 2 hours childcare, 2 hours back.

It isn't a drip feed. I always drive to her, no problem. Music on and we're there before I know if. Hardly a great hardship and is fine

The car is my respite because DS can't get out! Lol

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 13/11/2022 08:22

changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:02

@upfucked I have been in a very dark place before with childcare issues - she knows how hard I have it. I was in hospital last month for septic liver and telling her I couldn't get hold of ex, what am I going to do etc etc, my mum said she didn't know and she just didn't think she'd cope with the lack of sleep, the nursing team had to call her and said outright if someone didn't come here for the DC, social services would have to get temp foster care in place Sad

She then ran here

So when push comes to shove she'll help. Maybe ex could have dd so you only have ds to think about on some days? You're in a far from perfect situation so you need to take any help you can, even though in an ideal world you wouldn't.

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:23

medicatedgift · 13/11/2022 08:20

I am 53. I wouldn't be up for a 4 hr round trip every Saturday to help look after a challenging grandchild. I couldn't do it. I work full time and I just couldn't do it.

She doesn't work at all. And on top of that, I'd never expect her to drive here. Not at all. I always drive to he

OP posts:
TalkisChips · 13/11/2022 08:23

Do you have other siblings that your mum has to look after?