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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum should help me more with DC?

513 replies

changingstreets · 13/11/2022 07:46

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless Sad

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

OP posts:
saraclara · 13/11/2022 08:05

I was in hospital last month for septic liver and telling her I couldn't get hold of ex, what am I going to do etc etc, my mum said she didn't know

That's bizarre. However difficult she finds her grandson, how on earth could she not step up on that situation?

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 13/11/2022 08:05

OPs useless ex is a totally separate issue. He’s crap and by the sounds of it abusive. OPs mum is, well her mum. Usually someone you like to think you can depend on.

medicatedgift · 13/11/2022 08:05

Sorry. I type slow and my phone is slow as well.

Have you taken steps to ensure that his access to your children is supervised ?

KangarooKenny · 13/11/2022 08:05

It’s wrong to expect your DM to look after YOUR kids. They have a father, but you choose to not have him take them.
Your DM is classic peri menopause age, so she may have her own struggles.
Yes, it would be nice of her to help, but you can’t expect it.

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:06

Untitledsquatboulder · 13/11/2022 08:04

@Mommabear20 is that how you'd treat your dd one day? Seems like there's a big difference between how the OP's mum likes to be perceived (oh so helpful) and what she's really like.

It is not just how she's perceived though. That's the thing. She doesn't just make these offers, she follows through and ends up with ridiculous commitments she then resents

Like offering to have a friends grandchild for them whilst they had something else to do. Every Tuesday for 2 hours. It boils my blood

Then moans about how they take the piss and are sometimes a bit late to collect

Another example again, offering shopping to everyone through Covid and not getting them to pay her back. But then moaning nobody was offering to pay her back

OP posts:
Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:07

saraclara · 13/11/2022 08:05

I was in hospital last month for septic liver and telling her I couldn't get hold of ex, what am I going to do etc etc, my mum said she didn't know

That's bizarre. However difficult she finds her grandson, how on earth could she not step up on that situation?

He is hard work but he isn't that hard. My MIL had him for a few hours every week when DD was in NICU, and she had cancer. Sadly no longer with us

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 13/11/2022 08:07

I can't imagine watching my own child struggle and not helping how I could. Sorry OP Sad it sounds so tough

fishonabicycle · 13/11/2022 08:08

Your title should be 'why doesn't my child's father help!!!'. He's the one who you should be pressurising!!

AloysiusBear · 13/11/2022 08:08

What about your own dad? Its not only women's job to help their families. Can you father take your DS out sometimes to help you?

Peashoots · 13/11/2022 08:08

changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:02

@upfucked I have been in a very dark place before with childcare issues - she knows how hard I have it. I was in hospital last month for septic liver and telling her I couldn't get hold of ex, what am I going to do etc etc, my mum said she didn't know and she just didn't think she'd cope with the lack of sleep, the nursing team had to call her and said outright if someone didn't come here for the DC, social services would have to get temp foster care in place Sad

She then ran here

Im sorry, this is heartbreaking.
Never would I let my daughter struggle like this. I don’t believe that she’s so tired she couldn’t cope for one afternoon, once a month.
mumsnet is weird and normal family relationships don’t exist here, so ignore the nasty replies OP because they don’t reflect real life.
if HomeStart a thing in your area? They’re a fantastic organisation for people with limited support, look into it. 💐

JaninaDuszejko · 13/11/2022 08:08

She's 53 so not 'old' but not as young as me which must be harder I suppose for various reasons

Being 53 is no excuse, I'm 51 and have a 10yo, I have a friend who had all her 3DC in her 40s and holds down a senior management job in an international company. I'm sure she finds a 6yo hard work (because they just are) but it would make such a massive difference to you if she looked after your DC for, e.g. 1 night a week. You sound like you are on your knees.

I don't live near my Mum so she can't help us out regularly but she lives next door to my brother and she has done so much for them, including when she was caring for my Dad as he was dying. When she was widowed she did even more for them to keep herself busy. She was in her mid 60s when she was widowed and still does wrap around care for my niece now she's in her mid 70s.

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:08

Just to be clear, this is just a rant thread

I don't really dislike my mum. I love her to bits. I just want somewhere to vent

I have school mum friends with DC like mine but their families are incredibly supportive of them so it just doesn't relate

OP posts:
kitcat15 · 13/11/2022 08:08

changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:02

@upfucked I have been in a very dark place before with childcare issues - she knows how hard I have it. I was in hospital last month for septic liver and telling her I couldn't get hold of ex, what am I going to do etc etc, my mum said she didn't know and she just didn't think she'd cope with the lack of sleep, the nursing team had to call her and said outright if someone didn't come here for the DC, social services would have to get temp foster care in place Sad

She then ran here

So shedoes support you when you need it then 🙄

noideabutstilltrying · 13/11/2022 08:09

I do understand how you feel.

My mother was rubbish at providing support. Made me feel so guilty about asking for help during school holidays so that I could work.

Hardest part was that she'd happily have her other grandchildren at the drop of a hat.

Can you afford any sort of childcare for the youngest so you can sleep whilst your Son is at school. A couple of hours during the day would make everything seem a little less bleak .

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:09

JaninaDuszejko · 13/11/2022 08:08

She's 53 so not 'old' but not as young as me which must be harder I suppose for various reasons

Being 53 is no excuse, I'm 51 and have a 10yo, I have a friend who had all her 3DC in her 40s and holds down a senior management job in an international company. I'm sure she finds a 6yo hard work (because they just are) but it would make such a massive difference to you if she looked after your DC for, e.g. 1 night a week. You sound like you are on your knees.

I don't live near my Mum so she can't help us out regularly but she lives next door to my brother and she has done so much for them, including when she was caring for my Dad as he was dying. When she was widowed she did even more for them to keep herself busy. She was in her mid 60s when she was widowed and still does wrap around care for my niece now she's in her mid 70s.

1 night a week is pushing it! I wouldn't dream to expect that. I just wanted a few hours once a month to breathe a little and know I've got that respite in place to look forward to

OP posts:
Peashoots · 13/11/2022 08:10

kitcat15 · 13/11/2022 08:08

So shedoes support you when you need it then 🙄

Show quote history

Literally her children were about to be taken into care. Imagine how stressful that must have been for the op! Awful behaviour from the mother.

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 13/11/2022 08:10

kitcat15 surely you are taking the piss?! OPs mum begrudgingly agreed to help when the nurse phoned her and told her the DC would be put into temp foster care!! Christ if that’s your definition of stepping up and helping that sets the bar pretty low.

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:11

@kitcat15 are you deliberately not reading the details? She had to be told foster care would be involved before she agreed to help

OP posts:
AloysiusBear · 13/11/2022 08:11

Also is it perhaps how/why you are asking her. If i asked my mum to have my kids so i could go for a pedicure she's much less likely to agree vs if i say im struggling desperately on no sleep and ask if she'll have them while i sleep.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/11/2022 08:11

I feel massively for you. That sounds extremely tough.

But. Your mum actually sounds like the only person who's doing anything at all to help. Rant at all the other fuckers. The father. Arsehole. The government for allowing the father to leaving everything to you. Your father. The fathers mother. The fathers father.

WhyOY · 13/11/2022 08:11

It's good she can be honest with you and just says no though rather than makes vague promises and not keep them. It's a shame for you, but maybe that's what she wants from the relationship

Original poster
changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:12

WhyOY · 13/11/2022 08:11

It's good she can be honest with you and just says no though rather than makes vague promises and not keep them. It's a shame for you, but maybe that's what she wants from the relationship

That's a good point actually

OP posts:
WhyOY · 13/11/2022 08:12

changingstreets · 13/11/2022 08:02

@upfucked I have been in a very dark place before with childcare issues - she knows how hard I have it. I was in hospital last month for septic liver and telling her I couldn't get hold of ex, what am I going to do etc etc, my mum said she didn't know and she just didn't think she'd cope with the lack of sleep, the nursing team had to call her and said outright if someone didn't come here for the DC, social services would have to get temp foster care in place Sad

She then ran here

There you go then. She's happy to step in as an absolute last resort.

NCFT0922 · 13/11/2022 08:13

So when you asked her to have him for you to have your feet done(?) she said yes. When you were in hospital, she had them both.

are you actually saying “hi mum, can you have DS on Saturday at 3pm for a few hours please” and she is saying no, or are you writing this because she isn’t offering?

medicatedgift · 13/11/2022 08:13

You can't expect her to be different to how she is.