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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming over unexpected visitors

254 replies

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 00:12

My partner works nights & was sleeping today, I had been out all morning & was lying on the sofa, tired after a hard week at work, not having tackled any housework yet.
I hear my partner's phone ringing upstairs & he comes downstairs announcing that his mate had just called & would be round in 10 minutes to introduce us to his new girlfriend.
I said no it's not a good time & to put him off until later when we could have a tidy up & welcome them properly.
I was overruled so I stomped upstairs. I was embarrassed at the state of the place & we had no time to tidy or get changed & my partner was bleary eyed havingbeen woken up. I heard them come in then my partner apologise for the state of the place, I called him upstairs & told him I was really pissed off, they picked up the obvious vibe & left after ten minutes.
I'm so cross & upset. I'm a very welcoming person with notice & enjoy entertaining, cooking etc for people.
Was I wrong to be incandescent with rage (I'm tired & hormonal as well plus I looked a mess, another reason why I didn't want to see anyone).
Now my partner is saying I'm a crazy devil & that I've embarrassed him. Did I overreact & how do I learn to be 'relaxed & cool' with friends 'popping round' with barely any notice? This isn't the first time this has happened.

OP posts:
JubileeTrifle · 13/11/2022 00:13

I wouldn’t pop round to someone who worked nights. That’s just rude.

POTC · 13/11/2022 00:14

I think it's fine to be a bit pissed off but "incandescent with rage" is unreasonable

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/11/2022 00:16

YANBU.

I hate people who drop in / invite themselves. They deserved the vibe.

BagOfBollocks · 13/11/2022 00:17

I'd be pissed off too OP

But 'incandescent with rage'? 'A crazy devil'?

Are you two always so dramatic?

SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 13/11/2022 00:19

YNBU

Cucumberbund · 13/11/2022 00:21

Surely people know by now not to just give people 10 min notice before coming round.

Stopthebusplease · 13/11/2022 00:21

Personally, I'm always pleased if friends pop in, whether we have notice they're coming or not. If they're the sort of people that worry about how you look or your house being in a mess, they won't do it a second time, but as long as people are prepared to take me as they find me, then they're always welcome, but that's just me.

Original poster
Trianglio · 13/11/2022 00:21

Yes I agree 'incandescent with rage' is bit OTT...ever the drama queen!
I think my anger was also partly because I was tiptoeing around to let my partner sleep because he needs it and his mate knows he works nights so I was being protective of him too. Then I was cross with him for no having the confidence to say 'no, it's not a good time'

OP posts:
KickboxingWanker · 13/11/2022 00:21

At least he didn’t do what my DH mate did.
He moved to a new house not far from us, invited us round for a drink and showed us round the house. His girlfriend (who we had never met) was fast asleep in bed - never been so embarrassed, we made a quick exit.

HuggsBosom · 13/11/2022 00:21

DP was an utter pratt for saying yes.

Did he think you’d run aroumd tidynup in the 10 minutes?

Does your help with the entertaining and cooking?

OldMotherShipton · 13/11/2022 00:24

It is his home as well

Chill. Noons cares if your home was a boy untidy

friends are more important than being mrs hinch

Lentil63 · 13/11/2022 00:28

Do you feel responsible for how clean and tidy your house is? Do you feel concerned about how you will be judged as a result of how your house presents? Your partner doesn’t. Does he believe the tidiness of your house is your responsibility? Is he just more relaxed about domestic bliss than you?
People have different views on this sort of thing. You need to know where he stands and decide if that’s for you.

Facecream · 13/11/2022 00:34

I don’t want to be rude but it’s hardly the end of the world…
A bit more time to get ready.. ideal.. in the end you could have just said hello to Dp’s friend and girlfriend and said I’m really tired etc I’m heading up for a bit..
Its just a bit of mess.. not like you had just had a massive party and it was havoc

formulatingAresponse · 13/11/2022 00:41

I'm with you OP it would have pissed me right off

AltheaVestr1t · 13/11/2022 00:42

I am a sociable introvert. I love my friends, but need to socialise on my own terms and I absolutely hate an unexpected visit. It feels like an invasion of my space and always makes me feel awkward and put out. My friends know this, and always give me advance notice when they are coming round. Some people I know have no problem with this, and are happy to entertain at the drop of a hat. I am not. My partner respects my needs in this and if people pop round to see him he's perfectly happy to entertain while I read a book upstairs.

FacebookPhotos · 13/11/2022 00:52

Not sure why the friend is getting grief on here - he called and asked.

I'm also not sure why you wanting plenty of notice and a tidy house trumps DP wanting friends to feel comfortable to drop by either. Unless he expects you to do the tidying and hosting too.

If you were tired you should have just stayed in bed and left DP to entertain his friends. Calling him upstairs to have a row while his friend was downstairs is quite shocking behaviour too - meant to embarrass him.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/11/2022 00:58

I don't understand the 'calling him upstairs' part. They were there, he was dealing with them. Why not leave them to it?

It reads as if you deliberately did it to create a bad atmosphere and make them feel uncomfortable. Why do that? Your DP was already awake, he was already hosting them.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 13/11/2022 01:00

I often do night shifts & I would not be happy if a friend called & wanted to come round & introduce a new partner ! I say you wouldn’t go to a friends at 3am & expect a welcome.

TwinklingStarlight · 13/11/2022 01:15

You don't need to be "relaxed and cool".

I think being protective of DH's sleep is a good enough explanation, if not excuse. The house being a tip can make us very defensive and embarrassed, and women feel it disproportionately because frankly we're the ones who get judged for it.

Maybe though if you're super pissed off next time, stay out of the way and let DH handle them. You can be "napping". I think you should be more angry at your DH for ignoring your feelings than at his friends for pitching up, personally. Your feelings are not wrong, you don't need to be "fixed" you just need not to be ignored and overruled. Maybe more of a compromise next time - plonk them on the sofa and tidy around them for 10 mins, hide upstairs while you change, take them out for coffee, ask them to delay. It's very hard in the moment but ultimately you get a say in this too, and of course you are going to be pissed off when DH flatly overrules you.

StaunchMomma · 13/11/2022 01:28

I think this is just one that comes down to personality.

Lots of people wouldn't care - lots of people would.

I'd take this as an opportunity to have a chat with DH about the need for both of you to live happily in your home and the importance of ensuring you are both comfortable with what goes on in it.

Ivyonafence · 13/11/2022 01:28

The 'calling him upstairs' is just so awkward. Why would you do that? They had already seen the state of your house by then and you could have just rested upstairs for the rest of the visit. you might as well have left them to it than cause an embarrassing situation.

Also I get wanting to protect your partners sleep, but he's a grown man, not your toddler. If he wants to prioritise a visit with a good friend over a bit more sleep isn't that his call?

userxx · 13/11/2022 01:30

Sounds well over the top. Why did you call him upstairs? I bet his mate was very uncomfortable.

Summerfun54321 · 13/11/2022 01:32

Fine to be slightly annoyed, not fine to be so grumpy your guests picked up on it and left. It’s your DP’s house as well.

1POTUS · 13/11/2022 01:43

Stomped upstairs? Tad childish. Also making an atmosphere when people are there.. why??? Just wait until they have left.

Maybe a bit annoying yes but you're being OTT and sound quite immature. Is it just your house your rulez?

Darbs76 · 13/11/2022 01:49

Why did you call him upstairs? You’ve gone out of the way, surely he can have a chat if he wants whilst you stay out of the way. Cringe behaviour