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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming over unexpected visitors

254 replies

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 00:12

My partner works nights & was sleeping today, I had been out all morning & was lying on the sofa, tired after a hard week at work, not having tackled any housework yet.
I hear my partner's phone ringing upstairs & he comes downstairs announcing that his mate had just called & would be round in 10 minutes to introduce us to his new girlfriend.
I said no it's not a good time & to put him off until later when we could have a tidy up & welcome them properly.
I was overruled so I stomped upstairs. I was embarrassed at the state of the place & we had no time to tidy or get changed & my partner was bleary eyed havingbeen woken up. I heard them come in then my partner apologise for the state of the place, I called him upstairs & told him I was really pissed off, they picked up the obvious vibe & left after ten minutes.
I'm so cross & upset. I'm a very welcoming person with notice & enjoy entertaining, cooking etc for people.
Was I wrong to be incandescent with rage (I'm tired & hormonal as well plus I looked a mess, another reason why I didn't want to see anyone).
Now my partner is saying I'm a crazy devil & that I've embarrassed him. Did I overreact & how do I learn to be 'relaxed & cool' with friends 'popping round' with barely any notice? This isn't the first time this has happened.

OP posts:
antipodeancanary · 13/11/2022 05:35

I'd be so angry with you over this. How dare you try to stop dp seeing his own friends in his own house when he wants to? Its absolutely nothing to do with you.

Zosime · 13/11/2022 05:35

You’re also entitled to socialise and have company in your own home on your terms and at times to suit you.

Is her husband not also entitled to socialise in his own home on his terms and at a time to suit him? Or does he not get a say in what happens in his home?

Frogsalad · 13/11/2022 05:44

I detest unexpected guests. I ignore the house phone if a certain person calls because I know the chances are they are calling to say they are nearby and want to pop in but you’re taking a bit far and you’ve made yourself look a total arse.

SuperCamp · 13/11/2022 05:45

Well, you were obviously tired and wrung out, but feeling embarrassed by the state of the place is one thing. Being unwelcoming is another! It was your behaviour that drive them out, not the untidiness!

I don’t think they did a bad thing, they called to check, and your DH gave them a green light.

But you were tired, your relaxation was disturbed, you over reacted. These things happen. It’s not easy having a shift worker in the family.

rwalker · 13/11/2022 06:06

I’d be mortified if my other half behaved like you did
and yes you were rude

can’t see it being a problem due to them feeling so unwelcome doubt they will call again
how embarrassing for your dp

Glitteratitar · 13/11/2022 06:21

Why on earth did you call him upstairs, after the guests had arrived, to tell him you were pissed off at him? What were you trying to achieve? Did you want to make your partner look small, or perhaps deliberately create an atmosphere so the guests than leave?

That is disgraceful and immature behaviour. If my husband behaved the way you did, I would be the one with incandescent rage. On one hand you claim you were protective of his sleep time but on the other hand you deliberately embarrassed him in front of his friend. I find it hard to reconcile an act of being protective with an act of deliberately belittling so highly doubt you were acting that way because you were so loving and caring about your partner.

YABVVU

MumOfOne55 · 13/11/2022 06:23

I absolutely hate people dropping by last minute BUT you calling him upstairs too tell him off while his friend and GF were there is really unacceptable. How would you like it if he did that to you? You’ve not shown yourself in a good light.

Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime · 13/11/2022 06:26

I would have helped my husband tidy up, then as they pull up, run upstairs and spend another ten minutes getting dressed and putting a brush through my hair and shout down my apologies.
I’d rather the house be a bit of a mess and they feel welcome.
Your husband was a bit of a nob for telling them you were pissed off. It’s that but that really caused the atmosphere
.It’s a shame neither of you could suck it up to make his new girlfriend feel more welcome. That’s her first impression of you both and will likely be a lasting one.

Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime · 13/11/2022 06:30

Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime · 13/11/2022 06:26

I would have helped my husband tidy up, then as they pull up, run upstairs and spend another ten minutes getting dressed and putting a brush through my hair and shout down my apologies.
I’d rather the house be a bit of a mess and they feel welcome.
Your husband was a bit of a nob for telling them you were pissed off. It’s that but that really caused the atmosphere
.It’s a shame neither of you could suck it up to make his new girlfriend feel more welcome. That’s her first impression of you both and will likely be a lasting one.

Missed the bit where you shouted at him.

Blimey. What a shit show.

I don’t think they’ll be visiting again.

MintJulia · 13/11/2022 06:36

POTC · 13/11/2022 00:14

I think it's fine to be a bit pissed off but "incandescent with rage" is unreasonable

This.

It's not ideal but his best mate was passing and was excited to introduce his new girlfriend. He called first to give you a bit of warning, you had time to tidy up quickly and put a comb through your hair.

You should just have said 'it's been a tough week, haven't had time to clean yet" and made them a coffee. There isn't a person under 40 who wouldn't understand that.

Now they think your dp had a moody unfriendly girlfriend and you didn't have your dp's back.

Pepperama · 13/11/2022 06:39

For me hospitality trumps everything. Yes nice to have notice and tidy a bit (or quickly shove stuff in a cupboard…) but making guests who are already there uncomfortable is just nasty. If I was them I’d not have minded mess but I would have really hated people being unwelcoming and making me feel awkward.

flapjackfairy · 13/11/2022 06:39

fine to be irritated but not to be rude!
What has happened to the world that friends cant pop.in without a formal invite and without the house being immaculate.
In my universe it is normal to just welcome people and put the kettle on. It is your partners house as well and people come to see you and not your house.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/11/2022 06:42

Given that it wasn’t a couple of old friends, but a mate and his GF, who you’d never met, I don’t think you were altogether U. I’d have felt the same, but would probably tried to pretend I wasn’t bothered - and had a massive go at DP afterwards, for not saying it wasn’t a good time - and roundly abused the mate for thinking it was OK to drop in at 10 minutes’ notice.

EternalCountrygirl · 13/11/2022 06:47

I empathise with you! We have unexpected visitors often due to the nature of things here, so I feel a constant need to be always ready in myself and the house, and it’s exhausting! I don’t ever stop! So it’s a personal choice I suppose, my choice to prioritise being always ready for visitors over letting them take us as they find us. I grew up with similar circumstances so that probably contributes.

sammylady37 · 13/11/2022 06:49

You’re also entitled to socialise and have company in your own home on your terms and at times to suit you

As is her DP, presumably. Or does that entitlement only apply to women?

i think op behaved appallingly and showed such scathing disrespect to her DP that in his shoes I would honestly be reconsidering the relationship.

WhyOY · 13/11/2022 06:51

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 00:21

Yes I agree 'incandescent with rage' is bit OTT...ever the drama queen!
I think my anger was also partly because I was tiptoeing around to let my partner sleep because he needs it and his mate knows he works nights so I was being protective of him too. Then I was cross with him for no having the confidence to say 'no, it's not a good time'

Yeah I'd be annoyed at that, either he needs to sleep or he doesn't

Butchyrestingface · 13/11/2022 06:56

I can understand someone who is working nights being narked at being woken by a mate wanting to bring his new girlfriend round in ten minutes. But your partner WASN'T annoyed and you weren't annoyed out of concern for HIM having his sleep disrupted, only about the state of the house.

You already made your feelings clear to your partner and stomped off upstairs. But that wasn't enough for you and you couldn't resist embarrassing him and creating an awkward, horrible atmosphere when the friend and new girlfriend arrived.

So yeah, YABU. Unless your house is a candidate for Hoarders SOS, no-one cares what it looks like on a short, flying visit.

Butchyrestingface · 13/11/2022 06:59

You should just have said 'it's been a tough week, haven't had time to clean yet" and made them a coffee. There isn't a person under 40 who wouldn't understand that.

You think people over 40 DON'T understand what a tough week is and how it can impact on domestic tidiness? Confused

Tonkerbea · 13/11/2022 07:01

You were both wrong, your DH for not stalling the visit for an hour or two, and you for causing an atmosphere once the guests arrived- which guests will notice far more than any mess!

Nonimai · 13/11/2022 07:06

I have an open house for people to call. Everybody is welcome. If the place is in a state - so be it. If I’m in a state - so be it. I love it when people call round.

TumbleFryer · 13/11/2022 07:11

Why does your partner sleep with his phone on after working nights? Sounds like you care about his sleep more than he does.

I think you’ve massively over reacted.

sunnydayhereandnow · 13/11/2022 07:13

YABVU. It's normal to pop in to see people at the weekend at the kind of times when people are generally at home and up, and the mate checked in advance that it was OK, and your DP was clearly fine with it. It's his house too, and he can decide when he needs to sleep. Nobody expects perfect houses - just spend two minutes picking things up then throw a clean shirt on.

If you really didn't want to see them, then make an excuse that you have a migraine (or whatever) and lie down upstairs (though imho you should at least briefly meet the gf and then make your excuses). Making a scene out of it when the guests are there is just petty.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 13/11/2022 07:20

I get that you're annoyed, but this is mad. They're his friends - so if he's happy for them to see the house in a mess does it really matter? And it's his sleep - if he's happy to have it disturbed by visitors that's his choice.

You should have just said hello and then excused yourself (if you really couldn't bring yourself to chat for a few minutes).

If the issue is this happening repeatedly, you need to sit your DP down and set some boundaries about how much notice you want for visitors- but it's not solely your decision since it's his house too!

YellowTreeHouse · 13/11/2022 07:20

lottiegarbanzo · 13/11/2022 00:58

I don't understand the 'calling him upstairs' part. They were there, he was dealing with them. Why not leave them to it?

It reads as if you deliberately did it to create a bad atmosphere and make them feel uncomfortable. Why do that? Your DP was already awake, he was already hosting them.

This.

They didn’t do anything wrong. They called (your partner should have his phone on silent if he doesn’t want to be disturbed) and your DP said yes.

You deliberately made them uncomfortable to make a point. So yeah, YABU and haven’t shown yourself in a great light at all.

ImRightOnTopOfThatRose · 13/11/2022 07:25

How would your DP behave if the roles were reversed?

I hate unexpected visitors too but I would never be so unwelcoming. I think you should nip this in the bud, apologise and invite them around for a takeaway and drinks (leave the fancy cooking etc for when things have settled) Otherwise you may have cost your DP a good friend and left his new GF with a horrible opinion of you. I don't think you're a bad person btw. I think you just let your emotions and feelings of (perceived) inadequacies control you momentarily.