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Original poster

Fuming over unexpected visitors

254 replies

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 00:12

My partner works nights & was sleeping today, I had been out all morning & was lying on the sofa, tired after a hard week at work, not having tackled any housework yet.
I hear my partner's phone ringing upstairs & he comes downstairs announcing that his mate had just called & would be round in 10 minutes to introduce us to his new girlfriend.
I said no it's not a good time & to put him off until later when we could have a tidy up & welcome them properly.
I was overruled so I stomped upstairs. I was embarrassed at the state of the place & we had no time to tidy or get changed & my partner was bleary eyed havingbeen woken up. I heard them come in then my partner apologise for the state of the place, I called him upstairs & told him I was really pissed off, they picked up the obvious vibe & left after ten minutes.
I'm so cross & upset. I'm a very welcoming person with notice & enjoy entertaining, cooking etc for people.
Was I wrong to be incandescent with rage (I'm tired & hormonal as well plus I looked a mess, another reason why I didn't want to see anyone).
Now my partner is saying I'm a crazy devil & that I've embarrassed him. Did I overreact & how do I learn to be 'relaxed & cool' with friends 'popping round' with barely any notice? This isn't the first time this has happened.

OP posts:
DaftyLass · 13/11/2022 01:52

Why on earth wouldn't you just do a power tidy, and talk about it later after the guests had left?
Calling him to come upstairs so you can chew him out, within ear shot of guests, is poor form.
Have it out after they go, sure, but doing it with them in the house, after your DP said they were good to come over, is so rude.

HuggsBosom · 13/11/2022 01:55

DaftyLass · 13/11/2022 01:52

Why on earth wouldn't you just do a power tidy, and talk about it later after the guests had left?
Calling him to come upstairs so you can chew him out, within ear shot of guests, is poor form.
Have it out after they go, sure, but doing it with them in the house, after your DP said they were good to come over, is so rude.

Because he probably said yes expecting OP would do a power tidy and rustle up food for the guests.

Mlb123 · 13/11/2022 02:04

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 00:12

My partner works nights & was sleeping today, I had been out all morning & was lying on the sofa, tired after a hard week at work, not having tackled any housework yet.
I hear my partner's phone ringing upstairs & he comes downstairs announcing that his mate had just called & would be round in 10 minutes to introduce us to his new girlfriend.
I said no it's not a good time & to put him off until later when we could have a tidy up & welcome them properly.
I was overruled so I stomped upstairs. I was embarrassed at the state of the place & we had no time to tidy or get changed & my partner was bleary eyed havingbeen woken up. I heard them come in then my partner apologise for the state of the place, I called him upstairs & told him I was really pissed off, they picked up the obvious vibe & left after ten minutes.
I'm so cross & upset. I'm a very welcoming person with notice & enjoy entertaining, cooking etc for people.
Was I wrong to be incandescent with rage (I'm tired & hormonal as well plus I looked a mess, another reason why I didn't want to see anyone).
Now my partner is saying I'm a crazy devil & that I've embarrassed him. Did I overreact & how do I learn to be 'relaxed & cool' with friends 'popping round' with barely any notice? This isn't the first time this has happened.

To be honest I feel sorry for the friend and especially the new gf who would have been nervous about meeting friends of her new bf and she was likely worried about whether they would like her and when she arrives there is an awkward vibe with you refusing to come down and summoning your dp up to moan at him yet again which even if not overheard would have been obvious. You say you had no time to change but you had ten minutes which is ample time for sticking jeans and a t-shirt on and brushing your hair. To be honest that would take me less than two minutes and you could have had a quick tidy round in the living room as well which should make a place acceptable enough for a friend visiting . He wasn't there to see the state of the house . He was happy and excited to introduce his new gf to you both and you ruined it acting like you did. Your partner is right to be annoyed with you and you will just look awful to the friend and new gf. If it bothers you so much for people to see the house untidy then rather than expect people to book visits well in advance just keep the house looking tidy enough that you don't need to have a hissy fit if visitors are due at short notice! I don't think the new gf will be impressed by the attitude she witnessed so I wouldn't expect to be included in plans anytime soon. Hopefully they will invite your dp though who will get to make it up to his friend and he will get to know the new gf without you kicking off!

donttellmehesalive · 13/11/2022 02:11

I wouldn't like it either but I assume there was a good reason (as it seems to be the first time the friend has done this), he called first, he was really coming to see dp and dp didn't mind.

You want your friends to give plenty of notice so that you can tidy up and host properly but dp seems happy for his friends to pop in with ten minutes notice so, unless he was insisting on you tidying up, hosting, making a cake etc there isn't an issue is there?

You didn't want to see the friend so you went upstairs - fine. What I don't understand is why you called him upstairs like a naughty child. It's like you wanted his friend to feel uncomfortable. I guarantee your reaction has made a worse impression than your untidy home.

Ladybrrrd · 13/11/2022 02:25

If my DH acted like you did when I had friends over I'd be furious. You called him upstairs and created an atmosphere. How fucking rude. He wasn't expecting you to tidy up and make the house pretty. He just wanted to say hello to a mate. If you wanted to hide upstairs then fair enough. He could have made an excuse. The way you handled it is appalling.

Thelongnights · 13/11/2022 02:52

They didn't pop round without notice though, they called ahead, presumably to check that you & dp were home and to confirm it was a good time.

I'd be mad as hell too in that situation too but this is your dp's fault (mine is the same and it drives me crazy) he should have said that it wasn't a good time and ask them to come round later or on another day. I wouldn't have let my anger show though as I don't think it was their fault and making them feel unwelcome is a little rude, you don't get to make a first impression twice so I would have made the best of it since you don't know how long your dp's friend will be with this girl and you might feel awkward seeing her at other social gatherings after today's behavior. Would have been better to just bite the bullet, apologise for the mess, blame it on a long week and well deserved lazy day since you weren't expecting company and move on.

Cw112 · 13/11/2022 03:10

I'm not a naturally tidy person, really wish I was, so I like a bit of notice before someone lands round just so I can make sure things are tidy and presentable then I can relax and actually enjoy the visit. If people come unannounced I just end up feeling totally anxious the entire time. So I'd be pissed at this too.

Confusion101 · 13/11/2022 03:15

lottiegarbanzo · 13/11/2022 00:58

I don't understand the 'calling him upstairs' part. They were there, he was dealing with them. Why not leave them to it?

It reads as if you deliberately did it to create a bad atmosphere and make them feel uncomfortable. Why do that? Your DP was already awake, he was already hosting them.

Agree with this.

You were "overruled" as you said so why call him upstairs for another argument while they were there? Dunno what outcome you wanted out of that.

Not ideal and YANBU to feel a bit put out but I'd take 10 mins notice over 0 notice!

Bleachmycloths · 13/11/2022 03:17

The problem lies in the last sentence ‘… not the first time it’s happened’
i think OP is peed off that her DP doesn’t have the balls to deal with things properly. He sounds like a pushover. Imagine the OP has had enough of this weakness.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/11/2022 03:22

If you're worried about leaving a poor impression on someone...

An untidy house is far far less of an issue than stomping off upstairs then calling your partner up to berate them whilst their guests are still downstairs!

Deal with the real issue, and do it without making other people feel uncomfortable - it wasn't their fault was it?

It was your partners fault for not having the balls to simply say 'Sorry mate, I've just woken up/you've woken me, I've been on nights, house is a mess and I need an hour to come round, how about later?'

So talk to your partner and make it really clear, its not actually about whether other people think your house looks nice and tidy or a filthy pigsty, its about how comfortable YOU feel in your own home when there are guests.

BigChesterDraws · 13/11/2022 03:23

Friends come to see you, not judge the state of your house. You need to lighten up.

Flutterbybudget · 13/11/2022 03:46

My friends know better than to come round at all 😂
but if your DP wasn’t bothered by it, I fail to see why you should be tbh
You went upstairs, fair enough, but the rest was a complete over reaction to your DOs friend. And you made the situation for them both uncomfortable.
Tbh, I think they are both owed an apology. They did nothing wrong, even if you blame your DP for not making an excuse before they showed up.

ChristmasisRuined · 13/11/2022 04:22

So you threw a tantrum because you couldn't get your own way?

HangingOver · 13/11/2022 04:23

My DP is a bit like this. He'd agree to it then only register that the house is a tip when people arrive and he needs to shove stuff off the sofa for people to sit down....and offer them a coffee then realise the milk is out...thing is though he'd just shrug it off and laugh. I don't think men are that embarrassed by mess and chaos in their home whereas women imagine, in some cases correctly, that its the woman in the couple that gets judged if the house is a mess.

If DP springs droppers in on me and I'm feeling a bit anti social I just get in the shower so I don't have to deal with it 😁

SunshineAndFizz · 13/11/2022 04:38

I'd be furious too.

Not sure why the girl needs to be 'relaxed and cool' like it's some excuse for blokes to do what they like and we need to just be ok with it.

finallydones · 13/11/2022 04:44

Surely people know by now not to just give people 10 min notice before coming round.

Err, he was on the phone to the partner & I assume it was discussed then. Partner could have said no.

Personally friends popping round doesn't bother me even without phoning first 😱.

To be incandescent with rage is slight overkill.

finallydones · 13/11/2022 04:46

i think OP is peed off that her DP doesn’t have the balls to deal with things properly. He sounds like a pushover. Imagine the OP has had enough of this weakness

🤔 perhaps he's just social?

Kitkatcatflap · 13/11/2022 04:49

I would have felt and done the same. I hate it, it is so bloody rude. Like you , ai want fair warning for the home and ME to be guest ready. A call saying I'll be round in 10 minutes is not on and your husband is a knobhead for agreeing to it. He embarrassed himself.

custardbear · 13/11/2022 04:50

I would have said you've got 10 mins to tidy up on getting ready

Zosime · 13/11/2022 04:58

this is your dp's fault (mine is the same and it drives me crazy) he should have said that it wasn't a good time and ask them to come round later or on another day.

Why should he? It obviously wasn't a bad time for him. Why can't he see HIS friend in HIS home when HE wants to?

(If it was a man throwing a strop and making it difficult for a woman to see her friends in her home, everyone would say he was controlling.)

NurseBernard · 13/11/2022 05:03

I would have felt stressed by the impromptu arrival too - less the friend, but more his girlfriend who you’re meeting for the first time, and would like to make a decent impression for.

But, you have to admit - there is ZERO logic in being embarrassed by the state of your house …. but not being embarrassed about being openly rude to them?!?? Confused Grin

GreyGoose1980 · 13/11/2022 05:03

Calling him upstairs was bad form. You made a worse impression than an untidy house would have. Being ‘protective of his sleep’ sounds a bit controlling too.

onlythreenow · 13/11/2022 05:12

incandescent with rage - oh for goodness sake!

You were rude to guests, but don't worry, I'm sure you've achieved your aim - they won't be back in a hurry.

Your DH told his mate it was okay to call, why do you need to "protect" him, surely he's an adult.

Incidentally, what decade are we living in? I thought all this "the house has to look immaculate and I have to look perfect" died around the 50s.

jays · 13/11/2022 05:27

You don’t have to justify being annoyed to anyone or make excuses for why OP. I’d have been raging too. It’s your home and you’re entitled to look however you like it and not have it like a show home at all times just in case a ‘popping round’ type decides to invade. You’re also entitled to socialise and have company in your own home on your terms and at times to suit you. I personally can’t stand ‘popping round’, I hate it and I’m allowed to hate it, I wouldn’t dream of ‘popping round’ anywhere and even the thought of anyone ‘popping’ over makes me feel ambushed, I don’t sit at home like I’m waiting on a photo shoot with OK Magazine. I’d be pissed off with my Dh and I would have hated the whole thing, I’m actually getting stressed out just thinking about it. We’re not all ‘oooh the coffee is always flowing, have a biscuit types. I can’t stand the ‘just popping over’ brigade and I think anyone who thinks it’s ok to give you ten minutes notice is the one with the problem and should take zero offence at being given a big fat NO I mean, you don’t even know the girlfriend at all! We’re all entitled to to be who we are in our own homes, we’re all different and personally, I’m with you on this!

Confusion101 · 13/11/2022 05:30

Incidentally, what decade are we living in? I thought all this "the house has to look immaculate and I have to look perfect" died around the 50s.

Totally agree. We need to move away from this social media image of perfection. Houses are meant to be lived in. Admittedly if I get a call to say someone is coming in 10 mins I give the place and myself a quick tidy, but wouldn't throw a tantrum coz the place isn't spotless