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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming over unexpected visitors

254 replies

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 00:12

My partner works nights & was sleeping today, I had been out all morning & was lying on the sofa, tired after a hard week at work, not having tackled any housework yet.
I hear my partner's phone ringing upstairs & he comes downstairs announcing that his mate had just called & would be round in 10 minutes to introduce us to his new girlfriend.
I said no it's not a good time & to put him off until later when we could have a tidy up & welcome them properly.
I was overruled so I stomped upstairs. I was embarrassed at the state of the place & we had no time to tidy or get changed & my partner was bleary eyed havingbeen woken up. I heard them come in then my partner apologise for the state of the place, I called him upstairs & told him I was really pissed off, they picked up the obvious vibe & left after ten minutes.
I'm so cross & upset. I'm a very welcoming person with notice & enjoy entertaining, cooking etc for people.
Was I wrong to be incandescent with rage (I'm tired & hormonal as well plus I looked a mess, another reason why I didn't want to see anyone).
Now my partner is saying I'm a crazy devil & that I've embarrassed him. Did I overreact & how do I learn to be 'relaxed & cool' with friends 'popping round' with barely any notice? This isn't the first time this has happened.

OP posts:
antelopevalley · 14/11/2022 18:07

The friend did not drop in. They phoned and your DP said yes it is fine.

Mlb123 · 14/11/2022 18:10

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 18:02

Glitteratitar
Read my fiurther threads re breast cancer scare and other stresses then comment

Nobody knew at the start as you didn't ask if you were unreasonable about it all because of going through a cancer scare. Those of us who thought you were unreasonable would have said that this was a mitigating reason for acting irrationally, but if you knew the scare was over by then , then that would just be using it to justify your behaviour. Even if you hadn't found out by then that everything was ok it was still unreasonable behaviour and to be honest it should have made you see that a messy home is a trivial problem and that your dp would benefit from a friend visiting as he is effected by a scare too . Hope everything works out x

gimmepeaceandsky · 14/11/2022 18:24

Well, it wasn’t just his friend coming to see him, which I believe would be totally ok if it was me in my bedroom.

it included you to join in and meet his girlfriend so he is a prick for not consulting you to see if you were ok with that and not cancelling after you told him no.

dump him !

Conkersareback · 14/11/2022 18:26

FacebookPhotos · 13/11/2022 00:52

Not sure why the friend is getting grief on here - he called and asked.

I'm also not sure why you wanting plenty of notice and a tidy house trumps DP wanting friends to feel comfortable to drop by either. Unless he expects you to do the tidying and hosting too.

If you were tired you should have just stayed in bed and left DP to entertain his friends. Calling him upstairs to have a row while his friend was downstairs is quite shocking behaviour too - meant to embarrass him.

This!

Mlb123 · 14/11/2022 18:26

Glitteratitar · 13/11/2022 10:59

Wow. Just wow.

Are you normally such an arse to your husband? You control him, he has to do whatever you say and what and if he doesn’t, you will beckon him upstairs like a child when he has friends round to give him a telling off?

And you expect us to believe that your initial concern was that he wasn’t getting rest? What nonsense, your initial concern was that you were happy lazing about on the sofa and were pissed off that it was interrupted by some visitors, so you decided to embarrass your husband.

Show quote history

This absolutely . The op isn't really wanting opinions on whether she was unreasonable and is only interested in opinions that she wasn't unreasonable and when anyone tries to explain why it was not on she brings in other things which now include a cancer scare. The thing is though she says in the original post that it would have been fine a little later on after they had tidied and could welcome the friend and gf properly . Now though she says it wasn't a good time because she wasn't up to visitors because of a cancer scare. It's hard to believe that this isn't to justify her actions because she is not happy with people telling her she was unreasonable . No doubt if anyone says similar to this she will turn around and say that she didn't include that information because of struggling to cope or because it was personal or even maybe that she was wanting to get opinions without including the cancer scare for more balance or something . I don't know but regardless she was out of order but she isn't able to accept that as she's already displayed self serving , selfish behaviour xxxx

Harls1969 · 14/11/2022 18:39

Well think YANBU but that's because I hate having visitors at any time. At short notice though is the worst. I know I'm a bit weird but my home is my safe, happy place and I always feel invaded when people visit. My dad was exactly the same

MrsLighthouse · 14/11/2022 18:48

I’d have been put out but would have got on with it . It’s not nice to make visitors feel uncomfortable. Hardly a life destroying incident …

Conkersareback · 14/11/2022 18:51

gimmepeaceandsky · 14/11/2022 18:24

Well, it wasn’t just his friend coming to see him, which I believe would be totally ok if it was me in my bedroom.

it included you to join in and meet his girlfriend so he is a prick for not consulting you to see if you were ok with that and not cancelling after you told him no.

dump him !

I think he should dump the OP, for being a precious princess 👸

Heyhoitsme · 14/11/2022 18:52

Hopefully I will lighten the mood here. My husband answered his phone and said his mate was calling round. I said "I'll just remove my knickers ". His face was a picture until I started taking my knickers off the radiator where they were drying.

ALongHardWinter · 14/11/2022 18:52

This would piss me off.

Glitteratitar · 14/11/2022 19:09

Mlb123 · 14/11/2022 18:26

This absolutely . The op isn't really wanting opinions on whether she was unreasonable and is only interested in opinions that she wasn't unreasonable and when anyone tries to explain why it was not on she brings in other things which now include a cancer scare. The thing is though she says in the original post that it would have been fine a little later on after they had tidied and could welcome the friend and gf properly . Now though she says it wasn't a good time because she wasn't up to visitors because of a cancer scare. It's hard to believe that this isn't to justify her actions because she is not happy with people telling her she was unreasonable . No doubt if anyone says similar to this she will turn around and say that she didn't include that information because of struggling to cope or because it was personal or even maybe that she was wanting to get opinions without including the cancer scare for more balance or something . I don't know but regardless she was out of order but she isn't able to accept that as she's already displayed self serving , selfish behaviour xxxx

Show quote history

Exactly. I’m not at all dismissing OP’s worries, but everyone deals with shit and that’s not a carte blanche to treat people poorly and expect to be told hey, it’s ok, you’re having a tough time, so it’s not your fault.

You can still have a tough time in life, but it doesn’t allow you to treat people like shit. And I say that as someone who has had cancer twice, plus several scares that it’s come back.

Conkersareback · 14/11/2022 19:12

Lily4444 · 14/11/2022 17:50

Personally I think unexpected visitors are just bad mannered - why do they assume that you’re not doing anything and have nothing better to do then entertain them?

Perhaps that's why the friend phoned and asked her DP first?

NurseBernard · 14/11/2022 19:26

I still don’t understand why the OP didn’t just go upstairs / to her room to hide, and leave her DP to it. Confused

They both would have got what they want.

And as for the ‘my home is my safe haven and I don’t like to be invaded’ people - such an insular life sounds so depressing. Lucky for you that you are with people who feel the same way - I’d hate to be with someone who felt like this.

HRTQueen · 14/11/2022 19:29

OldMotherShipton · 13/11/2022 00:24

It is his home as well

Chill. Noons cares if your home was a boy untidy

friends are more important than being mrs hinch

This ^

i don’t get the it’s so rude but then it seems to be an issue on MN and not in rl

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 14/11/2022 21:33

This reply has been deleted

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NurseBernard · 14/11/2022 21:39

Some people are completely socially inept.

And they’ll be the same people on here bemoaning having no friends, unable to understand why.

Or they’re happy to have no friends - in which case they shouldn’t be giving advice on how to deal with friends, since they have no experience of it.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 14/11/2022 21:56

That’s true, but I wouldn’t want to be involved with the visit either.

Mumkins42 · 14/11/2022 22:11

I'm with you 100%. I would feel the same in your position. You have every right to feel what you feel. You don't need to ask if it's ok, this is how you feel and it is your right to feel that way.

In terms of what felt like an over reaction, a gentle calm explanation to your partner ref how you're the sort of person who loves company but likes notice, especially when you're exhausted is prob all it needs. It's ok to accept you lost it a bit but an explanation why will prob help. Some people love having an open door no matter what and can't always understand people who aren't like that. (I'm like you. On a good day when I'm energised then I'd be ok with it but otherwise I just need notice)

Delatron · 14/11/2022 22:25

I would have hated this too. And if he has form for it I know I would have struggled to control my anger. Therefore I’d have left him
to it and gone out. Then had a chat later.

Mamanyt · 14/11/2022 23:57

There are two kinds of people (well, actually, there are MILLIONS of "two kinds of people," but for now, we will go with these two), those who are happy to have drop-in guests, and those who are not. They rarely do well together in the long run. SOMEONE always feels as if they are being put out.

I'm willing to bet that your DP has, at some point, said, "Oh, come by any time," even just in passing. People who like drop-ins usually do.

That said, you are not unreasonable to not want drop-in guests. That's who you are. But "incandescent" rage is quite unreasonable. Incandescent rage is best kept for really serious issues, such as, "I bet the house on a poker game and lost." THAT warrants incandescent rage.

thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 00:10

I'd have the same reaction

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 15/11/2022 06:45

thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 00:10

I'd have the same reaction

You'd be rude to a friend who was INVITED to the house by the other person who also pays for & lives in said house? All because you never got your own way?

itsnotmeitisactuallyyou · 15/11/2022 12:46

The friend should have asked when can i pop round with my new partner,not i will be round in ten mins.

Pottedpalm · 15/11/2022 12:54

You can do a
lot in ten minutes; change into clean jeans, slap a bit of blusher on and brush your hair, lick
of mascara.. meanwhile DHcould do a quick tidy of the living room and get thecoffee on

Blueeyedgirl21 · 15/11/2022 13:00

I’m with you OP, my partner occasionally does this - sometimes if it’s just like his brother or someone who we are close to and who’s house I’ve been to when it’s a mess also , I don’t mind as much. But sometimes I’m in my comfies covered in baby sick, washing everywhere, baby toys everywhere, dishwasher not done and he announces someone is in the neighbourhood and are coming round. I’ve started saying no, it’s a mess here, why don’t we quickly get dressed and meet them at the coffee shop/pub down the road. This is something DP likes as he likes to get out and about as opposed to do a tidy up - he hates tidying 🤣 incandescent is a bit much but hormones are funny things. Maybe have five and just say to DP listen I’m a bit of a mess this week, sorry for being angry, but I really couldn’t hack visitors at that moment and I hate when the house is a mess. Maybe suggest he texts his friend and you go for a coffee or a wine this weekend? You can laugh it off with his girlfriend over a pint or a wine if she’s a reasonable person I’d totally get it if it was me !