Fuming over unexpected visitors

[Trianglio]

My partner works nights & was sleeping today, I had been out all morning & was lying on the sofa, tired after a hard week at work, not having tackled any housework yet.
I hear my partner's phone ringing upstairs & he comes downstairs announcing that his mate had just called & would be round in 10 minutes to introduce us to his new girlfriend.
I said no it's not a good time & to put him off until later when we could have a tidy up & welcome them properly.
I was overruled so I stomped upstairs. I was embarrassed at the state of the place & we had no time to tidy or get changed & my partner was bleary eyed havingbeen woken up. I heard them come in then my partner apologise for the state of the place, I called him upstairs & told him I was really pissed off, they picked up the obvious vibe & left after ten minutes.
I'm so cross & upset. I'm a very welcoming person with notice & enjoy entertaining, cooking etc for people.
Was I wrong to be incandescent with rage (I'm tired & hormonal as well plus I looked a mess, another reason why I didn't want to see anyone).
Now my partner is saying I'm a crazy devil & that I've embarrassed him. Did I overreact & how do I learn to be 'relaxed & cool' with friends 'popping round' with barely any notice? This isn't the first time this has happened.

Yabu. Its his house too.

This reminds me of one time my husband brought his friend and his new girlfriend back home after work one day and didn't prewarn me. I was wearing his oversized trousers and his old hoodie with the house in a mess, kitchen full of dishes and I could have done with a shower (greasy hair)..
These pristine put together people came in whilst I was looking like absolute shit with a messy house.
I was so embarrassed.
I was polite to the guests and said I was feeling unwell that day...
When they left I told DH to please warn me if we are having visitors in future.
The visitors couldn't have cared less to be honest and it was probably refreshing for them to see someone else's life not so staged and put together.

I would have felt the same but you called him upstairs when they arrived? They knew you were mad, so left. Poor behaviour on your part. You should have welcomed them or jumped into the bath, not done what you did.

What weakness? Maybe he wanted to see his friend. Maybe he doesn't feel like its for the OP to veto, he's not a toddler.

You were incredibly rude.

The state of your house? Meh.
The welcome you give people, says it all about you.

Can’t stand it to the bones of me, people popping around. I completely and entirely empathise OP, however, I can’t understand why you couldn’t just put a face on, be nice to them, say hello and just leave DP to make them coffees/teas. Surely it was just a quick visit. They were hardly moving in.

All this.

It's fixable but you have to be sincere.

The friend was BU, your partner WBU (for answering the phone lol).....I don't think YWBU......I'd have fucked off out for a drive before they arrived! I'm the same as you OP..... I'd have been mightily pissed off!......

A bit of notice is nice but I don’t see enough of my friends these days so would be happy to see them and my house is ever enough of a state that I would be embarrassed to let anyone in. You say you had been out in the morning so I’m sure you didn’t look that bad.

Not unreasonable to want a bit more notice and to have a word with your partner afterwards that if his friends call unexpectedly, to say “let me just quickly check with the other half that now is a good time & call you back” or “could you just give us half hour or so mate, we just got through the door ourselves”. He was sleepy and didn’t think it through properly but your behaviour by calling him up when they were there was beyond cringe. How childish and mortifying! Way way worse than an untidy house.

Everyone here is in the wrong. Friend excited about his new partner, that's nice, but plan it in. Partner accepts without checking in with you and as it involves you that's poor. You being incandescent - really you could just have gone upstairs and let your OH get on with it, no need to make his friends feel bad.

I don't understand why you didn't just say "right you've got ten minutes to have a quick whip around whilst I get changed then"

No the house won't be spotless, but ten minutes is long enough for DP to tidy the room they will be going into and the corridor. Doesn't have to be perfect, just shove everything else into a different room they won't go into...

My house is terrible when we don't have guests, and I'd be a bit embarrassed by someone just turning up on the doorstep, but ten minutes' notice is fine. I think YABU as you behaved badly once the guests were there, and that's 100x worse than welcoming guests into a messy home or saying yes to guests when you aren't ready for them.

They phoned and asked and your partner said yes…. Yet you were rude to them and made them so uncomfortable they left,
id be embarrassed if I were you!

Also saying you’re incandescent with rage and then being shocked he called you an angry devil… you see that’s daft right? You totally over reacted here.

Calling him upstairs was wrong and created an unnessary atmosphere which you say your visitors picked up on.
You could have just stayed upstairs but instead went out of your way to create a situation. ☹️

I agree

Hiding upstairs was really childish

And a really odd way to introduce yourself to this poor woman

Yeah it doesn't make her feel very welcome so I don't think she'll be seeing you again OP.

If you're worried about leaving a poor impression on someone...

An untidy house is far far less of an issue than stomping off upstairs then calling your partner up to berate them whilst their guests are still downstairs!

Exactly. Your behavior was appalling, OP. What the hell were you doing calling him upstairs to have a go? You'd already told him that you were unhappy before they arrived. You caused a terrible atmosphere and that says far more about you to the new girlfriend than your untidy house did.

I’m so torn because yes op totally see your point, neither of you were ready, house wasn’t ready and ye weren’t in the mood BUT I’m weighing it up against how much I’d probably love it (whether at the time or after;)) if one of my friends turned up and we could talk as I think nowadays we all see our friends too little cos of work and life crap!!! I think it’s something you can silently fume over for a few minutes but more than that and I think you need to take a deep breath. What jumps out from your op is that you say you’re welcoming. Welcoming on your own terms isn’t welcoming, I’m sorry I don’t often think things like that need to be said but I have a friend who drops everything for us all and always says if you’re in the area, but really means it and I love her for that so much because there’s so little of that about, and I’m guilty of it too, I want the place to be something it isn’t and us to be something we’re not (we aren’t the hosting type) when people come to visit and it’s silly but I do it

10 minutes is enough to make sure your decent and clear up a bit. I hate unexpected visitors but they asked and he said yes. They’re not mind readers.

YANBU

Who takes the responsibility for tidying the house usually? Who tends to make the mess? Does he seem to think that is your role and did he communicate that in some way to the guests in which case yes he was somewhat unreasonable. If he had said something like 'sorry it is such a mess, I have been on nights and haven't been up to much tidying' then he is owning the issue and you are more unreasonable.

I would still say to him in future to maybe suggest meeting out somewhere for coffee unless it is preplanned or you know the person really well. So new girlfriend - agree to pop out to nearest cafe for coffee OR say not now but why don't you come over Friday night for a takeaway. Old mate on his own whose house is also messy - fine rock up anytime. Not sure why you called him upstairs though, that was ott.

Be mad all you want at your partner for saying they could come over but stomping off upstairs and refusing to say hello to guests in your home (only for them to leave when they realise they are most unwelcome) is very rude.

YABU to blame your hormones 🙄. No wonder men make stupid remarks and brush off genuine emotions as “hormonal”.

Own your moods for god’s sake.

I'm glad you said that @FlatWhiteExtraHot. I get unreasonably irritated when women blame their hormones for their bad behaviour. It just feeds into the misogynistic stereotype.

@Trianglio It wasn't as if the couple hadn't called beforehand to let you know they were coming. Your DP also lives in the house so he should be able to decide if he wants to see his friends. As a courtesy he should have called down to you to say "do you mind of X pops round"? And why doesn't he switch the volume off on his phone when sleeping?

Had it been my DP I would have just whizzed round to to a quick tidy up, but I don't have an issue with visitors popping round anyway.

See, the thing is OP, a messy house doesn’t reflect nearly as badly on you as being rude and unwelcoming.