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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

636 replies

xidol70080 · 12/11/2022 22:12

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

OP posts:
Hibernationsetting · 12/11/2022 22:15

I don’t think you have to tell them. It was years ago, he was young and very stupid. He has been punished and will clearly continue to punish himself.

although someone died, I wouldn’t class it as a violent crime in the sense of beating someone to death. Nor was it sexual or relating to children.

Barnybrown · 12/11/2022 22:16

I would contact with this “friend”. She has no right to be so judgmental.

It sounds like your partner made a terrible mistake which he is very remorseful for but you and him have worked hard to rebuild a life and a family. That is to be commended. It is totally up to your partner who he tells or doesn’t tell - there are no safeguarding issues here , the offence didn’t involve children.

Your “friend” doesn’t sound like much of a friend at all to me.

Leah5678 · 12/11/2022 22:16

It was not done on purpose, they don't need to know.

Barnybrown · 12/11/2022 22:17

*cut contact

MintChocCornetto · 12/11/2022 22:18

Your friend is unpleasant.

Your DP made a bad mistake as a stupid teenager, it's not something that should follow him into adulthood.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/11/2022 22:19

Well it hasn't even been 5 years. And talking about it as 'when he was a child' and 'his friend sadly died' is really minimising. Which won't be helping your friend think you take it very seriously. There's an awful lot of trauma with him killing his friend and then prison, I think I'd be a bit worried too.

If you don't want to tell people, it's reasonable not to have in-house play dates, don't leave him in sole care of any DC, just be the parent who is there, rather than him.

Bear in mind that things get out.

ABJ100 · 12/11/2022 22:23

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/11/2022 22:19

Well it hasn't even been 5 years. And talking about it as 'when he was a child' and 'his friend sadly died' is really minimising. Which won't be helping your friend think you take it very seriously. There's an awful lot of trauma with him killing his friend and then prison, I think I'd be a bit worried too.

If you don't want to tell people, it's reasonable not to have in-house play dates, don't leave him in sole care of any DC, just be the parent who is there, rather than him.

Bear in mind that things get out.

Agree with pp. I would want to know if my dc was in the presence of someone like your dp.

Ihatethenewlook · 12/11/2022 22:24

I’m not too sure op. 17 may not be technically a legal adult, but he was not a child. He committed a series of extremely serious offences resulting in someone’s death and presumably a manslaughter charge? It’s a little weird how laid back and shocked you are at peoples reactions about this just because it was a few years ago. There are plenty of others people can make friends with who haven’t committed serious crimes and killed their best friend. You’re going to have to expect judgment. I certainly wouldn’t want my children near your partner.

TropicalTenticle · 12/11/2022 22:26

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/11/2022 22:19

Well it hasn't even been 5 years. And talking about it as 'when he was a child' and 'his friend sadly died' is really minimising. Which won't be helping your friend think you take it very seriously. There's an awful lot of trauma with him killing his friend and then prison, I think I'd be a bit worried too.

If you don't want to tell people, it's reasonable not to have in-house play dates, don't leave him in sole care of any DC, just be the parent who is there, rather than him.

Bear in mind that things get out.

He was a child though, he was 16. His friend did sadly die. I don't think the OP is minimising. She's probably talked about it hundreds of times so is just giving the facts, and also lived through the trauma of it herself. Her DP is probably punishing himself for it now. He's served his sentence and I think people should be given another chance. What happened is absolutely horrific, but I don't think OPs DP should have to introduce himself as 'hi, nice to meet you, just so you know I killed my mate on a car accident so make of that what you will'. It is nobodies business.

hugznotdrugz · 12/11/2022 22:26

I think if he's ever going to take one of her friends in a car (if he still has a licence?) Then they definitely need to know. However I'm not sure they just need to know for a playdate

BornIn78 · 12/11/2022 22:27

His best friend didn’t “sadly die”, he was killed by your drunk DP, only a few years ago.

I agree with a PP, if you don’t want to tell anyone then don’t have play dates at your home, don’t have him driving anyone else’s children around other than your own, and don’t leave him unsupervised with any child other than your own.

TropicalTenticle · 12/11/2022 22:27

Sorry, 17 not 16.

ExtraOnions · 12/11/2022 22:27

Depending how big the place you live in is, they may well already know.

I had 2 friends die last year 1 to a pissed up driver, and 1 that (awaits court case) was on drugs. I hope their behaviour follows them round for the rest of their lives - I’ll happily tell any new neighbours or acquaintance what they did. Trash

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 12/11/2022 22:28

He was young, I would be OK with him being around my children

I know someone who at the same age killed himself and 3 of our friends driving 100 mph though

He wasn't a bad guy , he was just a stupid q7 year old who thought he was invisible

TellMeWhere · 12/11/2022 22:28

I'd need more information before i could decide. You do seem to be glossing over the fact that he recklessly caused the death of someone. It really wasn't very long ago.

I sure as shit wouldn't want him driving my child anywhere.

Leafblowertime · 12/11/2022 22:30

I’m also in two minds, I don’t get the oh he was a child posts. It was four years ago and someone died. I’m fairly sure if it was your child you’d not post that. On saying that though I don’t think you need to reveal it. But on the flip side you’ve a kid and I don’t know if you’d think the same if it was your child who died.

TheMorigoul · 12/11/2022 22:30

This isn't a safeguarding issue OP. There is no need to tell any of dds friends. I'd cut contact with your friend and I never say that.

Bigbadfish · 12/11/2022 22:31

Leah5678 · 12/11/2022 22:16

It was not done on purpose, they don't need to know.

Yes it was. He didn't accidently get drunk and drive.

He did this on purpose.

Ihatethenewlook · 12/11/2022 22:32

MintChocCornetto · 12/11/2022 22:18

Your friend is unpleasant.

Your DP made a bad mistake as a stupid teenager, it's not something that should follow him into adulthood.

This is the most ridiculous case of minimising I have come across. My teenage mistakes were forgetting to set my alarm and being late for school. Or at most starting smoking when I knew it was bloody stupid. This man got illegally pissed, stole a car and killed his best friend ffs. I can’t believe he’s not still in prison. What a disgusting sentence be must have received. His victims family must be distraught!

Divilment · 12/11/2022 22:34

BornIn78 · 12/11/2022 22:27

His best friend didn’t “sadly die”, he was killed by your drunk DP, only a few years ago.

I agree with a PP, if you don’t want to tell anyone then don’t have play dates at your home, don’t have him driving anyone else’s children around other than your own, and don’t leave him unsupervised with any child other than your own.

I agree with this.

bluejelly · 12/11/2022 22:35

I don't think it's anyone's business as long as he's no longer driving. I believe in rehabilitation, as long as he is remorseful.

Bigbadfish · 12/11/2022 22:38

bluejelly · 12/11/2022 22:35

I don't think it's anyone's business as long as he's no longer driving. I believe in rehabilitation, as long as he is remorseful.

I 100% back rehabilitation. I have studied the positives and have backed it professionally

But I would not want my child mixed with this family.
The level of minimising and denial is ridiculous

HungryandIknowit · 12/11/2022 22:38

I think it depends whether he still drinks and his behaviour since. I would want to know if he was going to be near my child. I absolutely wouldn't want him driving my child anywhere.

sjxoxo · 12/11/2022 22:41

I’d cut this ‘friend’ off. Unless your DP was in prison for a deliberate violent offence like murder or along those lines, or paedophillia, then no you don’t need to tell all & sundry.

if I was the parent of a child friendly with your DD, I would be a bit dumbfounded if you told me this story ‘just so I knew’ and I couldn’t care less - as long as it was not deliberate violence or some sexual horror.

Your friend is just being a bitch. I’m sure plenty of parents have made morally shit choices in their lives!!! The ones who’ve had affairs and torn families apart, the ones who have run their businesses into the ground and cost people their livelihoods, the ones who have had drug issues.. are they all telling everyone to be wary around them as they’re such shits? No of course not. I’d rather my DD spent time with someone who admitted they made a terrible mistake and tried to make some amends. Life is complex and ugly at times, I’m sure your DP feels terrible and will for the rest of his life. You shouldn’t feel ashamed or have to tell anyone if you didn’t want to. Good luck to you
Xx

Toddlerteaplease · 12/11/2022 22:41

It wasn't a violent crime. He's served his sentence, but his guilt and remorse must be horrendous. Nothing to do with your friends.