To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

I'm a woman who has killed a man. Manslaughter in self defence.

I still get judged for it over a decade later.

Can I ask out of interest, why? What danger does this man pose to your dc?

What happened is tragic. But out of all the parents who have been around my dc there are undoubtedly people whose lives haven’t been vanilla. Would you demand to know whether the parent of a playdate friend uses drugs, driven whilst under the influence, punched someone outside a pub, hit their child, smokes etc etc etc. The point is that you never really know a person and you don’t need to. All you need to know is that they will be nice to your child and keep them safe whilst they are in their care. And there is nothing to suggest that this guy won’t do either of the these things.

I wouldn't want him to be driving my dc anywhere and I would be very uncomfortable if he still drank alcohol.

Absolutely agree the four year old is innocent I all this.

but we are talking about whether parents would feel comfortable with this still quite you man around their small children.

if this little girl was my daughters friend I would certainly have her to my home for play dates but my child would not be going to the home of a man who was very recently released from prison.

i think a lot of parents would make this assessment. I think it’s okay for parents to risk assess situations - we shouldn’t scream
judgemental at them for that

He was a child. Children are under 18s.

He did a stupid stupid thing which had terrible consequences. He has been punished.

Do we not believe in rehabilitation?

If he were 41 and had lived a decent blameless life since I would be more comfortable but it’s very recent he’s still very young and just out of prison. I wouldn’t want him in some charge of my young child no. He has made some reckless poor choices.

Yes he broke the law but what teenager hasn’t? I’m surprised at the amount of judgmental people on here who wouldn’t leave their child around him. I’m 23 myself and my daughters dad ( my ex) is in jail for a driving offence that left someone injured, but I would never feel the need to disclose that to other parents purely because it’s none of their business. My daughter (3) has no problem sharing that with everyone she meets and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.. because it’s none of their business.
You don’t have to share anything with anybody. Your friend sounds like a bit of a dick

He was 17... That's not a child and now he's 21 - that's only 4 years ago. The friend didn't 'sadly die', he was killed by a drunk who stole his dad's car. Don't excuse his behaviour or normalise it. It is a serious crime.

If it was my child, I'd want to know about the kind of houses my child goes to and who lives in them. If it was 40 years ago, I'd understand it not being relevant, but 4 years?! That's like yesterday. You sound naive.

Also, your friend sounds nasty. There are ways and means of saying these things but we only have your PoV here.

Not saying I would ex communicate him or be rude but no I wouldn’t want him in sole charge of or driving my child

Op I don't think anyone has to know. His offense doesn't have anything to do with violence or children. Nobody would be helped by him knowing. It's incredibly tragic that his friend died but in this case i think we should cut the guy some.slack. he seems.to be trying hard to build his life back and to do the right thing. Don't tell anyone. It would probably have a negative impact on your own child and I think with all the stress and trauma you as a family have been through that's the last thing you need or deserve.

It sounds like he got in the car all those years ago out of stupidity not because he wanted to kill. Your friend isn’t being a friend. She is bringing up the past. If it was me I would never forgive myself for what happened. I don’t know how far you live from your original home town. But word of mouth could happen. I wouldn’t tell those parents as your partner is not a threat to those children. It wasn’t intentional. People can change.

Do we not believe in rehabilitation

I do believe in rehabilitation but alongside risk assessment.
I am more protective of my dc than myself for example.
I don't think he should spend the rest of his life locked up, but in such a short time span I would still lack confidence in his decision making, and behavior around alcohol or cars.
My dc are the most precious things in my world.

Regardless of whether it was recent, or significant, or from youth etc… it is spent.

You don’t have to tell your business to other people if you don’t want to. That’s it.

Lots of teenagers don’t break the law!!!!

parents are free to decide who they trust with their children. You would leave your small child in the care of someone who committed this crime four years ago and is recently released from prison. That is your choice . Other parents would feel differently. That is all their right.

I would be concerned that this young man’s life is still chaotic and his judgement might still be questionable. Too little time has passed to know if he has changed.

Sometimes the parents of victims can be more forgiving than members of the public. I have seen this at work.

This young man got drunk - who on here can hold their hand up and say that they never got drunk when young? Whilst drunk he did something extremely stupid - who on here can say they have never done something stupid when drunk?

It is tragic that his stupidity led to the death of a friend but he has paid the price for this. What we need more than anything is for those who have served a prison sentence to reform and become ordinary decent citizens bringing up their families in the normal way.

Sadly there are people who cannot understand this and it may be that you might need to make a clean break and move somewhere where you can live your lives in peace.

This.

@Advicepls123 sorry, I am on the side of the OP but your post is ridiculous. “What teenager hasn’t broken the law” seriously??? There’s a big difference between ordering a pint under the legal age and ending up in a prison cell!
The fact your 3 year old proudly tells people her dad is in prison is really, really sad. What on earth has the poor girl been told.

This poor little 4 year old innocent girl who is likely to be judged by so many parents and have her classmates potentially turned against her because of her Dads actions is all I can say to some judgey people here.

There's plenty of children who are/were friends of my DD who I wouldn't have left DD in the parents' sole care. One has now done treatment for her alcohol issue, another sadly isn't in her child's life because of drugs. Serious situation with another set. The children still play, aren't ostracised but DD isn't at their house.

I know one man who did similar 20 years ago and I'd let him babysit.

There are different levels of trust. 'Just released from prison' isn't the same as 'released 20 years ago'.

This wouldn't bother me.

I have a relative who killed someone in a car crash, driving drunk. He didn't even have to pay his debt to society thanks to extremely good connections.

I feel that someone who has done his time honestly and is now a solid citizen or on his way toward that deserves a chance.

I don't know that much about the criminal history, if any, of the parents of kids who are friends of my DCs apart from the aunt of one very nice kid who was jailed for a white collar crime and a father of another who had a similar white collar criminal history.

For all I know the rest ofbtheirbfriends' family members might have had long rap sheets, dishonorable discharge from the armed forces, etc. I was shocked recently at something I heard about the parent of a DC who was a friend of one of my DCs from age 4 to about 14, went to parties in their house etc. Not a crime but a gobsmacking piece of immorality.

As long as there's no hint of current porn use, drug use or alcohol abuse, or previous rape, violence, or child sexual abuse, if the state is happy to send someone back out into society, I'm OK with them.

Actually it is probably NOT a spent conviction.

Your dp made some poor choices and it ended badly for him and his friend. He lost his freedom but has gone on to build his life with you and his child. If he’s settled and he’s a reliable dad why does anyone need to know? If he’d been in prison for violence or abuse against a minor I could understand your friend’s concern.

Your friend is not a good friend and sounds like she is going to stick the knife in somehow and warn people about your partner.

What he did was awful but he has been punished according to the law and served his time and from what you say he is a responsible man in society.

No one needs to know about his past as the actual incident is unrelated to any child safeguarding issues.

Our foster son had terrible crimes as a juvenile and only narrowly avoided custodial sentences because of a good solicitor, his college place and a kind police officer doing a project on restorative justice. One of his crimes was quite similar, but with his best friend in intensive care and severely brain injured. He wasn’t drunk but had stolen a motorcycle and driven it without a licence at 15. His only real friend was riding pillion. Tragic. Truly tragic. The lad was troubled not innately bad.

He did OK and worked his way through college, became less wild, showed his good side and thrived. He’s became a lovely, funny, usually kind, young man. He worked hard and was incredibly loyal to his friend who was injured beyond recognition. We left him to care for our two year old when our second child was born. He was twenty by then, so same sort of timescale. Five years is a long time when you’re 17.

If there have been no further criminal activity, no driving illegally and he’s turned himself around to be a good partner and a good parent then he deserves a second chance. That means protecting him from his history becoming public knowledge. Only you and he really know how embedded that change is. Nobody else’s business, unless he’s about to have sole charge of their child.

Four years ago.

Your friend is spiteful & unhinged. Boyf isn't a danger to kids, he isn't a drunk or druggie so have no idea why other parents need to know his background 💁🏼