To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

Let's keep some perspective please. He chose to get drunk, he chose to steal his dad's car and he chose to drive. He didn't choose to cause an accident and he didn't choose for his friend to die. These two facts are incredibly tragic and without them it would have just been a very, very, very stupid mistake. He hasn't done anything malicious for want of a better word. I assume that the friend was a similar age and chose to get into the car with him. Not that it was the friend's fault but there was no violence or malice in this crime. He did his time. I think at that age 5 years is a long time and who knows maybe because of the consequences he has had to face he might have actually matured more than other people his age who haven't undergone something so traumatic.

Op you are almost half my age so forgive me if I sound patronising or sentimental. You sound like you are trying very hard to do the right thing for everyone. Your child, your partner, even your child's potential friends and parents. Don't let anyone guilt you into.making your life harder as it is. Your do deserves a chance and your child deserves to try and make friends without any prejudice hanging over their heads. I wish you and your family all the best.

He doesn't drive, or drink at all and when DDs friends have been here it's either been both of us or just me if he's been at work.

As long as he does that, I wouldn't have as many reservations.

Her dp isn't the same person now. He has been punished legally and is free now and doing what he can to move on from his past mistake and be a better person. What good would it do for it to come out and people judge him and deem him unworthy to be anywhere near their children . If this ended up translating into other children being discouraged from being friends with his child causing them sadness and emotional pain how would that be justice and how can anyone believe that he would be encouraged into never making any mistakes again if he has to be raked over the coals over and over no matter how much he has changed and no matter what good he does. He was 17 and he made a mistake which was exacerbated by the fact he was drunk which severely impaired his cognitive functions so it's not like he deliberately and cold heartedly killed his best friend ! It doesn't pose any risk to children by not telling people, but by telling people it's likely that his innocent child could end up having to deal with comments and some people making a point by refusing to let their child be friends with the op daughter because of something her dad did when he was legally a child x

Your friend is just being a dick, ignore her.

I would t be bothered about my kids being around someone that had done this, but would I want them being driven around by them 😬 probably not 😂

Guess what I meant was it wasn’t a fit of rage, he didn’t fly off the handle etc

The definition of violence is using or involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.

It wasn’t intentional

Why are people saying there was ‘no violence’? A human being was killed - it does not get any more violent than that!

I don’t know any teenagers that got drunk, stole their dad’s car resulting in the death of their friend. The only reason he’s served the sentence is because he was driving a vehicle when it happened. If he’d punched him or used a weapon he’d still be locked up now.

People will find out, yes he’s received his punishment from the judicial system but he should have to live with the consequences of the decisions he made for the rest of his life, the same way the family of his friend are having to.

I’m sure the family of the deceased would take great comfort from your words.

I knew a guy whilst I was in the Army, many moon ago, who got drunk and drove his car into a tree. He was killed, he was with two other drunk friends who got injured.

When I was a prison officer, I met some prisoners who were good people, they just made bad decisions with life long consequences.

Life isn’t black and white. People make mistakes, tragically in some cases people die.
There isn’t any consolation, but life has to go on. The OPs partner served his sentence by what the courts gave him. He can’t do anything else.

I mean plenty of people do stupid things at 16/17 this unfortunately ended in a death but I'm sure that wasn't exactly intentional on your dps part. I don't think they need to now considering the offenses weren't sexual or relating to children and he's doing better in life now. Some people may find out and decide they don't want contact which is their choice but I also don't think that a mistake at 17 needs to something that defines your dp for the rest of his life either. I'd be honest if it came up but I don't see the need to volunteer it. It sounds like your friend is thinking about you and is trying to be loyal to you but is judging in the process. I wouldn't necessarily cut contact with her because she sounds like she is trying to be a good friend and wants good things for you, but I'd probably have a really straight convo with her that dp is in a different place now and it's not fair for her to keep holding onto his past when he's trying to move forward and live a better life.

There was no violent intent. He didn't kill his friend. I assume he didn't want his friend to be killed. He had an accident while driving drunk. That's why I presume it was manslaughter and not murder. This is very tragic. Let's not make it something that it isn't.

Get rid of this so called friend, she is dangerous.

Unless you live in a large anonymous place or are new to the area, I'd be amazed if they didn't know already. Your ages probably make you stand out a bit already and mske you more of a target for gossip and curiosity, so I'd be very surprised if this was under the radar.
Do I think you should tell people? No. Its not the sort of thing thst impacts their children so there is no need.

There's no parallel in your example. You punch or use a weapon with the intent of causing hurt or injury. You don't drive a car with the same intent. Obviously the law recognises this but you can't.

He didn't set out to kill anyone. He was stupid, but it's not murder and his sentence reflected that.
He was drunk, he helped himself to his dad's car, he drove and had a fatal accident.

That doesn't mean he's a violent person.

I don't think it's necessary to tell people but it sounds like your 'friend' thinks it should be broadcast so be prepared for it to come to light.
I do wonder if the cackling, judgemental harpies on here who think your boyfriend should be publicly shamed every day for the rest of his life, feel the same about those teenagers (or anyone else) who kill their friends or family or anyone else when driving when they aren't over the limit, maybe when they are tired or momentarily distracted. Should they also be publicly pilloried for ever for their error of judgement?
OP I do hope you and your family can successfully navigate the next few years of your lives. Your bf has to live with it without having the court of public opinion pulling him up all the time.
Good luck.

There are plenty of people locked up for one punch deaths. They didn’t want to kill somebody either

@ABJ100

Agree with pp. I would want to know if my dc was in the presence of someone like

& what is he like?

hes 'like' a teenager who took his Dad's car for a joyride & had a terrible accident.

he's 'like' a bloke who forever will have to live with accidentally killing his best friend

youd want to know if your Dd was ever is there presence of someone like him?

wise up, do you really think the 'worst' past any of your child's friends parents is thus?? You're deluded, ridiculous & nasty.

The friend made his own decision to get in a stolen car with a drunk driver. He was just as much of a fool as the driver.

I knew a lad years ago who drove a car when drunk and crashed it, his friend escaped uninjured but he unfortunately lost an eye. He’s an extremely successful man now with a lovely family. He was lucky no one was killed, your partner was unlucky and it’s no one’s business but yours.

I would not consider it any of my business. He was a child, mentally, physically and legally. He deserves a fresh start.

@Ihatethenewlook

I certainly wouldn’t want my children near your partner

why? He made a very stupid choice to joyride in his Dad's car, he had an accident & his best friend died (he had to live with that). What harm, exactly do you think he poses to your child.

I can assure you that at least one of your child's friends parents have done far worse!

I kept thinking about the parents of the teen who died as I read this.

it’s heartbreaking.

yes of course the four year old should not be punished for her dads crime. But the extent to which people can minimise the death of a child / teen is breath taking.

I hope of I was the teen’s parent I could forgive his friend - but my goodness it’s a big thing.

I also don’t understand how so many people
can be certain this young man is a completely changed character.

do people routinely change that much in such a short period of time? Is it really as normal to get drunk no steal a car as people on this thread are claiming. Are people really content to say drunk driving and car theft are easily forgiven teen mistakes?

I do remember the types of teens who behaved in chaotic, dangerous way. I remember always feeling unsafe around them - they were unpredictable and reckless. Not people whose company I sought out. On one hand we are told to trust our instincts - yet on the other we are told we are judgmental.

I would trust my instincts here - the child could be friends, could play at my house. But my child would not be going to op’s home.

Unless op has missed out a big part of the story there was no kidnap involved. The friend voluntarily got into the car. Your example is only similar if in your scenario the person getting punched has voluntarily agreed to get punched for a laugh but then unfortunately somehow gets killed. I'm sure you can see the difference but don't want to. You obviously are so intent on sanctimoniously wanting to judge someone to feel superior about them that I'm not going to engage with you anymore. Good night.

This is misrepresenting the facts because the op DP was responsible for an accident that killed his friend . When someone is violently killed that usually means they have been attacked in some way. A fair few people on this thread have called it a violent crime and it actually really isn't and it's totally different to when somebody murders someone in a violent assault. So please stop saying that her dp violently killed his friend in a violent crime as it wasn't murder and it wasnt a violent crime! 🙄