To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

I would want to know about potential dangers to my child ie anyone with a past of violent/sexual/abusive offences.

Borrowing his Dad’s car while drunk and crashing, when he as a child? I can only answer for myself, but that wouldn’t be something I’d be worried about, or something I’d feel the need to share with others.

If I were you I would avoid your DP driving other people’s children (just in case people hear of it all one day and say “omg he drove my dc”) - but in the last decade my DH has given zero lifts to other children so I doubt the issue will ever come up.

Keep it private.

Completely agree with this.

Why?

He was a stupid teenager joyriding in his Dads car.

Hes done time, he's grown up, WTF do you think he's now going to drive kids around when drunk?

your kids are far more 'at risk' of your average corporate Dad driving after a few drinks!!

Utterly ridiculous.

he didn't purposely go out in the car to have an accident or to kill his best friend

Lots of teens fall into this category for loads of different reasons- for a start brain development isn't complete at age 17. Most teenagers feel invincible and don't think something bad will actually happen to them until it does. If you then factor in other issues like adhd etc that can affect impulsivity or decision making. Never mind the fact that we know alcohol impairs judgement.

I'm not giving excuses it was the wrong call he made getting behind the wheel, I'm just saying that at 16/17 people are very different to 21/22 anyway and this guy has been through a life changing event, an extremely traumatic event and has served time as a result. So I don't think it's a massive leap to assume you don't come away from that the same person you were on your 17th bday.

In the area I live it's hugely common to steal cars, joyride and drink at that age and most Youth workers myself included work with loads of young people who've either been driving or been passenger. And a lot of them have only wised up after losing a friend. It doesn't make it OK but it is, sadly really common. I don't think it's fair to expect teen mistakes to follow someone for a lifetime no matter how much they try to move on and be better for it, no.

Its Okay for people to be nervous about a man who was recently released from prison after serving time for drunk driving and vehicular manslaughter!!!

where on earth has the weird corporate dad comment come from? Very odd

I have a friend who nearly killed another friend through drunk driving as a teenager. We're all still friends. It was an accident. A stupid careless idiotic accident.

Teenagers do stupid things. They don't think through consequences.

They shouldn't have to be punished for the rest of their lives.

By this logic all drunk drivers should be excused. They don't purposely kill people.

Doesn't matter though, does it? Their victims are still dead.

But he wasn't excused. He went to prison.

Do you think all crimes should have a mandatory life sentence @butterfliedtwo?

No. But I don't think five years is enough for killing someone either to be honest.

Does it mean they're unsafe to be around children though? If they are no longer drinking and driving and have wised up? Noone excused this guy, he went to court, went to prison and served his time. According to the justice system he's made his amends. So where are you getting that he's being excused from?

This
For just a playdate, not so much.
Going anywhere in the car with him, absolutely would want to know!

@ChimpMcGarvey

he was a teenager who took his Dads car without permission, had an accident that resulted in the death of his best friend.

why shouldn't he be left alone with children??

it's not like abused a child?

But the judge clearly did and none of us know the ins and outs of the case. I imagine his age played a big factor. Very different a 17 Yr old kid doing something stupid and dangerous with their mates not aware of the consequences than a 50 year old man doing it fully aware of the consequences.

but a mistake that results in the death of another person - especially when that mistake involves drunk driving surely has a longer shelf life than four years?

and we unfortunately do know that people don’t automatically change, nor do they change in such a short period of time.

this young man may well Mel be a completely different person, but it is just as possible that he still has questionable judgment. Many teen offenders go on to reoffend. I think it would be naive to assume all teen joyriders are upstanding citizens by their 21st birthday.

again I am not saying he should be ostracised by other parents - just trying to say it’s okay for people to be cautious.

these crimes are stigmatised in society for a reason.

I think he should not drive children, but since op says he's not, fine.

What I objected to is the "he didn't do it on purpose" minimising. No drunk driver thinks they'll kill anyone. Doesn't mean people don't die because of their decision.

I'm stepping away from this thread now. It's hitting too close to home.

People saying he chose to steal a car, he chose to get drunk, it might be harsh but his friend also chose to get into a stolen car with his drunk friend.
At 17 our brains are not mature enough to think of consequences and in the moment acting out our emotions are everything. All we can do for our children is try to instil in them to take a moment before careering headlong into actions that could have life altering consequences. Or making decisions that could be reckless and based on instant gratification.
We also need to help them recognise their emotions and give them the confidence to say no to their friend/s and be able to call their friends out on risky or criminal behaviour.

Whilst the parents of the friend will never get over this it doesn’t sound like this guy will ever get over the death of his friend either

He has served his time and has made the decision to not drink alcohol or get behind the wheel of a car. He has done a lot of growing up in the last 5 years. He will live with the death of his friend forever and the person who this information being made public will affect the most is his and op’s Dd.

U.K. Justice System what do you expect 🤡

You don’t need to tell anyone. It’s none of their business as it’s not relevant to their children’s safety (assuming he isn’t driving anyone).

Unless he’s changed his name or you are living far away I would assume it will come out sometime though, so keep that in mind.. it might be better for you to manage that.

He did kill his friend though, it is important not to minimise that. He shouldn’t drive any of your DD’s friends obviously, and I would avoid him playing a significant role when friends are around. Be clear that you are always around. This will help manage things when/if it does come out. It will be different in 10 years, but right now this is very recent history.

"These crimes are stigmatised in society for a reason". There's your number one reason right there for why many offenders go on to reoffend. Because they aren't properly reintegrated and accepted back into society. Because other people will still hold past mistakes over their head so they feel like they can't move on and be a different person. Now I fully stand by that for some crimes like sexual offences and offences against children where reoffending is highly likely for different reasons. But a 17 year old kid stealing and trying to drive a car drunk... very different. I know plenty of kids - in fact the vast majority I've worked with have gone on to get their qualifications, go to tech or uni or into employment and have settled down and had families. No reoffending, they really were motivated to turn things around. The few who haven't have usually had much more complex needs in the first instance like addiction/severely poor mental health/ been kicked out of the care system at 18 completely institutionalised and they honestly sadly find prison earlier to manage than normal life because of the structure and the routine and the boundaries to it. The statistics are still people at the end of the day and people are grey. You can't apply a black and white approach to everyone with an offending history. Plus I would imagine age and likely first offence plus good behaviour in prison and genuine remorse have led to that length of sentence. People can change extremely quickly when something deeply traumatic happens.

At 17 our brains are not mature enough to think of consequences and in the moment acting out our emotions are everything

Oh please, 17 is not 3 years old. 99% of 17 year olds don’t steal their parents car and drive drunk. And the friend might of had no clue how drunk his friend was, not everyone who drinks comes across as drunk even when they are.

I think most people will be aware if you still live in the same area OP. I think it would be fair to be truthful if they asked you outright. As for your question do you have to make them aware? I’d say no if your DP is doing everything he can to turn his life around.

A family round here lost their child in similar circumstances. They requested that the lad who was driving should not receive a prison sentence. He received a driving ban instead and people were largely sympathetic to him because the family affected had been.

Until soon after when he tried to get his (very lenient in the circumstances) driving ban reduced significantly because it affected his day to day life. His remorse did not last long and that is what folk remember more. Not his actions on the day of the accident.

You don’t need to tell anyone. It’s none of their business as it’s not relevant to their children’s safety (assuming he isn’t driving anyone).

Sorry but they have every right to know. I’d not want my kids being around that sort of family. I’m sure this guy is not completely normal and rational in every other area in his life if he behaves that way. I’m sure he’s dysfunctional in many other ways. Normal, stable people do not behave that way. The parents should know about such a serious matter.

I dont think he needs to say anything. When I was a teenager my friend got drunk, stole her boyfriends car and killed herself. It was accident. Just like this was an accident. Sure she didn't accidently steal the car or accidently get drunk but she didn't want to die. Teenagers are stupid(not mumsnetters obviously) but in real life every single teenager I hung out with did something incredibly stupid, my friend just paid a higher price. I wouldn't judge your partner for one horrid mistake as a teen.