To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

@Againstmachine really, your thinking is so primitive. I wonder if it’s a blessing or a curse for you.

That’s your choice. Mine would be to have neither of them in my life.

@Cw112 i don’t disagree with you, but I still wouldn’t let a 21 year old fresh out of prison look after my child.

Who is talking about this guy looking after other peoples small children?

The OP has not suggested that would be happening at all!

It’s all about play dates @WiddlinDiddlin if you rtft

He's probs less likely to drink drive than the average person now that he's seen the results first hand.

We better all book him for babysitting then. 🙄🚩

He's been out two years. So nearly as long as he's been in. Nothing in OPs post to suggest he's still stealing cars, driving or drinking. I wonder how many years past a prison sentence ending we consider people to have actually paid for their crime.

In this case I don’t think it is on public record because he was considered as a child and I suppose the judge wanted to avoid having his life blighted by one fit of anger as a teen

So he’s not had enough time in prison AND he’ll have been too damaged by his time in prison now to ever possibly be a decent human being.

What a little tightrope you’ve constructed.

I wonder how many years past a prison sentence ending we consider people to have actually paid for their crime.

This is a back to front way of looking at the situation in my eyes.
I wouldn't be preventing this man from looking after my dc as a form of on going punishment for him. But as a form of protection for my dc.
I have no interest in punishing him, the courts have done that.

I do have an interest in ensuring the people who care for my dc meet certain basic thresholds.
For me this person wouldn't, at least not yet. The human brain is pretty plastic until 25. He is young and his behaviors and prison time recent.

Other people who had been punished by the courts for different crimes would never pass my safety thresholds no matter what their lives looked like.

I have read the full thread, where is anyone suggesting this man is looking after children by himself?

What possible harm can come to children based purely on the facts of the crime he has done time for, when they're in a building with him and the OP?

Even if he is on his own, I would ask the same question. For people talking about safeguarding and risk, what do they perceive the risk to be?

And in a general reflection on this awful thread, I hope I never have to read another post on this site banging on about young people's brains and how they dont mature until they're 25 so this excuses all the helicopter parents and reasons why people cant just go off to university and find their own way/make their own income.

Its not his age that has any bearing on this crime for me, its the fact that he has clearly been hugely affected by it, done his time, appears to be a responsible dad and partner but thats not good enough for some people in society. This thread has shocked me on a number of levels.

There will be people commenting here who have driven slightly above the limit, there may be people here whose children go on to commit similar activities, either with or without the awful outcome in this case.

I wonder how many years past a prison sentence ending we consider people to have actually paid for their crime

Again, this is completely missing the point. It's not about him paying, it's not about punishing him, or being mean to him. It's not really about him at all. Its about the fact that we can all decide what homes our children can go to and who can loof after them.

If anyone on this thread was looking for a babysitter and I said you have a choice of a middle aged woman with years of experience of kids and good references, or you can have a 21 year old man who did time for killing someone while drunk driving a stolen car...there isn't a single one of you that would choose the latter.

Hypocritcial dogooder whinging, most of it.

It was his 17th birthday so he was incredibly young. Still 16 the day before and not even an adult at that times

He made a terrible tragic series of idiotic choices, to drink so much alcohol (not the first or the last teen to do so) and steal his Dads car to drive. He crashed and his best friend died as a result

He's gone to prison, committed to rehabilitating himself, shows remorse.

Nothing will bring his best friend back and he has to live knowing that. Guilt eats away at you

Nothing will put DPs life back to what it could have been,

Prison is not easy and he could have made bad decisions in prison but didn't.

So many terrible outcomes from this,

I think your old friend is unkind and may try to stir up trouble.

I would block her too. There's little she will add to your life now. She was fishing for info, not trying to be supportive of 'her friend'. Maybe she knew the boy who died & is angry.

I don't know if I'd rather know. There's so much we don't know about other parents. There are plenty of others who do present real risks to children, I'm not sure your friend is right that he does.
I would think there was a reporting block in his name due to his being a child , that your friend is not supposed to breach that and tell people but I don't know if that's the case here.

How strange he could drive on his 17th birthday. Most need some lessons before they can drive. I guess he’s had some ‘experience’ of driving already. 🤔

Do you think that makes you look clever?

Whilst I can't drive now, (medically, not allowed), I learned to drive long before 17, starting with motorbikes and then cars, taught by a variety of experienced adults on private land. Adults who were involved in the motor racing world. At 16 I was a fairly competent driver, and got good results on mock theory tests, I simply lacked 'live' road practice.

Nothing illegal took place and I could had the mood taken me, got in a car and got it from A to B with a reasonably low risk of accident.

The OP says nothing about whether her partner had illegally driven before this or not - if you want to know if he did, just ask, though as he doesn't drive now I don't really see how it is relevant.

There are many programs out there for youths to learn the basics of learning to drive, while under the age of 17.
This one, for example, is marketed at 10-17 year olds:

www.buyagift.co.uk/driving-experiences/junior/lessons

If anyone on this thread was looking for a babysitter and I said you have a choice of a middle aged woman with years of experience of kids and good references, or you can have a 21 year old man who did time for killing someone while drunk driving a stolen car...there isn't a single one of you that would choose the latter.

So go and make your own thread about this completely difference hypothetical circumstance.

This thread is about whether a mum should disclose her partner’s past to prospective play dates. Not about her partner offering up his baby sitting skills in competition with the local Mary Poppins.

Yes, that’s the most likely scenario here. 😂😂😂

I went to a really bad school and they put on a day of it for us. It included how to drive it (in the most basic sense) and the basics of car safety and maintenance.

My kids and lots of their friends have done young drivers lessons. They still didn’t just jump in a car after and be able to drive. To be drunk would make it more difficult too. It’s much more likely he had got experience elsewhere. Putting it all together, getting a GF pregnant young, not taking the pregnancy seriously, drinking underage, lying to pregnant GF, stealing a car... it builds a picture.

Erm, that’s not at all what I was saying. I was saying that it is possible for teens to learn to drive legitimately before they turn 17, which you implied you didn’t think was so. That they don’t have to be rich kids with private land which you implies you didn’t think was so. That it’s possible this was the first and only time he took his dad’s car.

If anyone on this thread was looking for a babysitter and I said you have a choice of a middle aged woman with years of experience of kids and good references, or you can have a 21 year old man who did time for killing someone while drunk driving a stolen car...there isn't a single one of you that would choose the latter.

But what do you know about the middle aged women's past?
My former schoolmates and I are all in our late 50s now and on paper would make super babysitters. However, I still have enough functional brain cells to remember them as 17 year olds. Believe me, just because someone is female and has lived five decades and change doesn't mean she doesn't have many incidents involving alcohol and poor judgement in her life history.

If anyone on this thread was looking for a babysitter and I said you have a choice of a middle aged woman with years of experience of kids and good references, or you can have a 21 year old man who did time for killing someone while drunk driving a stolen car...there isn't a single one of you that would choose the latter.

I'd pick a middle aged woman over a young man as default anyway. Men are more likely to be sexual abusers. So fairer is to say a 21 yo who's living at home with Mom, doesn't work and is used to having everything done for them, a 21 yo graduate who has 7 younger siblings and a degree in Early Years education or a 21 who has served time for drink driving which accidentally resulted in the death of his friend