To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

It's absolutely fuck all to do with anyone else! If he was a kiddy fiddler then yes, but he made a tragic mistake and has done his time. Tell your "friend" in no uncertain terms that if it gets around about his past, you will know it was her who spread it around

I think some posters have been too harsh. Yes her DP committed a horrible crime and killed his best friend but that doesn't mean he's not generally a decent person.
Why do people need to know? Why on earth should DP not be present at play dates. It's not as if he's a risk to children.
My DDs are long past the play date stage but I wouldn't judge a parent on what they did as a teenager.
However judging by some comments I wouldn't say anything as clearly lots of people don't believe in giving people a second chance.

Mumsnet can be so weird about teenagers. Under 18's are legally children it's not an opinion it's a legal status.

The reality is, none of us know the parents fully when our dc go to play dates. That’s why when little we go too and they start going alone when they can talk and communicate better. The likelihood of someone saying oh btw dp got done for looking at photos of child abuse is low so we go on our gut feeling.

i think for most people, the death of the friend on your conscience and time in prison to go over it constantly would be enough to break you or make you want to do better. He was stupid and showed poor judgement but I know many teens who have driven drunk and been lucky, he wasn’t and didn’t get away with it and hours poor judgment meant his friend died.

i guess we all have our thresholds. Without knowing him, I see this as a momentary lapse of judgement at 17 and wouldn’t see it as a risk to my dc on a play date.

Not hearing that people are saying they would ostracise your child or even your partner. They just wouldn’t want him looking after their own child. I think that’s quite reasonable. He’s may not be malicious or bad but he’s made some appalling choices pretty recently.

I'm guessing his friend who sadly passed away, had also been drinking and willingly got in the car knowing your dp was drink driving.

I wouldn't judge someone for a terrible mistake they made at 17. I'm sure no punishment will ever be as bad as losing his best friend and the guilt he will forever carry. I wouldn't personally feel I need to know about this.

No they don't need to know as it isn't a child safety concern as it wasn't an offence against a child and like you say he was legally a child when it happened and the poor man has been punished and is remorseful. His best friend died and that must be awful to live with without your so called former friend trying to cause trouble . Using a ridiculous viewpoint on how she would want to know if it was her child is simply her justifying herself and making up something to try to deflect away from the truth which is that she's not doing this for anybody's benefit and it is simply spite and wanting to play power games. The fact she rang you about it first rather than going and telling people at the school shows that she's trying to mess with your head . She's probably hoping you will cry and beg her not to say anything so that she can pretend to wrestle with her conscience. To be honest even if she does tell people they will not understand how it is relevent to their children's safety and most of not all will see that your dp Is not an evil monster. He is someone who made a mistake and who has lost a lot for that mistake. I would bet you would find yourself on the receiving end of empathy and your frenemy would be dissapointed xxx

I'm not minimising, I was just stating the facts to get advice/opinions. I know what he did was terrible, when DD was born I was adamant he wasn't going to be involved in her life at all, but he was very remorseful and had served his time in prison so I let him, he's a different person to 5 years ago and it will be 5 years next month which I realise isn't a long time but I think in terms of maturity etc it is.

He wasn't named in the news due to his age so the parents at DD’s school won't know if they google his name. He doesn't drive, or drink at all and when DDs friends have been here it's either been both of us or just me if he's been at work.

I did tell DP what friend said and he got upset and said he doesn't want them to know as they might not want their children mixing with DD and he doesn't want her to be punished for something he did and he doesn't want her being bullied in a few years if the children found out from said parents as it’d be his fault.

I don't have much contact with this friend anymore, she messages every now and then and that's it so I might block her.

it wasn’t violent crime. I wouldn’t tell anyone. I dont wanna know either if my friends parents did time for doing what your partner doing. If i know I wouldn’t care either. Unless sex offender or a murderer I wouldn’t care. Dont tell OP. You dont have to

He’s paid the price and is now trying to get on with his life. It’s got zero to do with anyone else. Absolutely zero safeguarding risk. Unfortunately there are always unpleasant people who think people shouldn’t be allowed to move on. Presumably he didn’t force his friend into the car when it happened anyway.

Getting drunk and stealing a car isn't an accident. He didn't get sent to prison because of an accident. He caused the death of another person because he chose to drink drive. Please do not minimise this crime.

I agree. This man is not a risk to his dd, nor to anyone else’s dc. By the sounds of it he’s made a tragic mistake and paid for it.

if he doesn’t drink and drive, isn’t reckless and has - for want of a better word - learned his lesson, I don’t see the need for anyone to be told. What purpose does it serve?

id definitely cut contact with this judgemental ‘friend’ who the fuck does she think she is?

some people love to feel superior.

I don’t think it’s standard to know the past of school childrens parents. We don’t exactly ask so do CRB checks on our children’s friends parents do we ?

How would you even broach the subject anyway? “

Hi Jane, my dear daughter would like to invite your dear daughter around for a play date. Just to let you know, my partner was in prison for death by dangerous driving”.

There’s no need to really say anything, your DP isn’t on a life licence for murder. He has to live with the guilt forever.

No he doesn’t have to tell anyone, it’s not a safeguarding risk.

people may understandably have issues with it but it shouldn’t impact on children’s friendships.

I would say no if it had been 20 years, but it's not been that long really.

What I imagine a parent worrying about is him driving their DC. Is he banned? That's the only reasonable worry I think someone could have, if he's genuinely changed his ways and doesn't go round stealing cars.

I'd be more inclined to trust his decision making around alcohol and driving after being though an event like this, that was traumatic enough that he has obviously changed his behaviours, grown up and stood up as a partner, a dad and gained and held down employment.

Yes the crime was horrible, but you can't compare a decision made when drunk to how someone regularly behaves sober. That one poor decision will remain with him for life.

He was 17, his friend didn’t ‘sadly die’, he killed his friend. He may well be punishing himself, but i can guarantee the dead friend’s parents will never forgive him.
Killing someone whilst drunk and driving a stolen can isn’t a ‘car accident’. I had a car accident a while ago - I reversed into a broken bollard and dented my bumper.

Five years is a long time when you’re 17.

I agree. The difference in maturity is great. The guy doesn't drive and more does he drink any more. I wouldn't have a problem with any playdates at his and OP's home.

I recognise this and think I remember your original post.
No one's business at all. You don't have to tell anyone anything.

Your so called friend is out of order.
Yes I agree what your DP at 17 did was totally reckless & totally stupid but 17yr olds in general don't think of consequences & are a bit stupid at times. In your DP's case the consequences were fatal & he has to live with what had happened for the rest of his life.
But to play devils advocate if the friend was also drunk who's not to say he could have been the one driving the car & your DP the one dead.

Compare it to this, a distantly related relative in his 40s was always drinking & got in his car knowing he was must likely over the limit & mowed down & killed a teenager who was waiting for her school bus.
Was the relative sorry, was he fuck, his argument was that she shouldn't have stepped into the road to see if the bus was coming.
Anyway he went to prison & shrugs it off as one of those unfortunate things.
None of his children are in contact with him (he was a crap father too) nor are the rest of the extended family.

I know who I would have no qualms about leaving my child with & it's not the distant relative.

Your DP was bloody stupid & had had to pay the price & probably wishes that he could turn back time.
My distant relative doesn't give a shit about what he's done.

It wasn’t a violent or child related crime. It wouldn’t bother me if my childrens friends parent had this past. I would never allow them in his care or in his car etc but there is very few people I do this with. I don’t think the parents need to know. There’s no risk to their children

i can see that sometimes people want an awful past to follow people as punishment. I would hope I could forgive but I know I would probably sway towards hatred and it would eat me up.

He WAS in prison for a deliberate violent offence though!

It’s not about minimising a crime. The question from the OP is, is it relevant to tell her daughters school friends parents about what her DP’s past.

In my opinion , it’s a no. What would be the point, other than punish her dear daughter probably for the rest of her school days? There’s no undoing what he DP did but he’s not a danger to children , from what we know.

He made a terrible mistake and is a convicted criminal. Yes it was a serious crime none the less. But there’s no need to tell school friends parents, so her daughter could be ostracised by her friends parents. That’s not fair on the OPs daughter.

You can’t get much more violent than killing someone.