To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

The friend is not your friend. It’s no one else’s business. He’s not a risk to children so it would just be giving people something to gossip about. At 17 people can make bad decisions and unfortunately sometimes there are incredibly tragic consequences. He’s done his (short) time but now needs to rebuild his life. The judge gave him his sentence so he doesn’t need further judgement or punishment. I’ve never been of the opinion that I should judge my childrens friends or their parents because of their history unless my child would not be safe which is not the case here.

It really isn't. Illegally pissed? Get a grip. You clearly have no idea about sentencing guidelines either because the rest of your post is nonsense as well.

Assuming that he is remorseful about what happened and is now generally a good person, partner and dad, I don't think you have any obligation to tell people about his past.

If I did know, I personally would not have a problem with my child having a playdate at your house, but I would want you to be present, at least until he's been out of prison for longer.

However I would not feel comfortable about him driving my child or any child around. Unless and until he has had time to prove that he's changed his ways and is a safe and sober driver.

This however would affect my decision

I agree with this too.

Given that your friend is very likely to start telling people behind your back (and that there's a good split of people being upset about this on here already) I would be considering how you're going to tell people so that at least you're not hiding anything, and people will have time to get to know you and your DP so in years to come perhaps it won't be a big deal.

I would add to my post that obviously - and this goes without saying - I’d expect him to be totally sober and not ever under the influence of alcohol now and absolutely not drink driving ever ever ever again. I’m assuming those elements are true!! If not then I’d be very wary of trusting this person & I’d be more concerned. X

I don’t think you need to tell people but I can’t blame your friend for feeling the way she does about him. I hope he’s not still driving but as a bare minimum you should be making sure he never drives any of your DD’s friends anywhere, ever.

This isn't a safeguarding issue when it comes to DD's friends having playdates.

Your friend is not a friend, and I'm afraid that whether or not you choose to share this information, the other parents will find out. She'll see to it.

Does he drink now at all?

No people don't need to be told. He wasn't accused of a sexual offense, he isn't a danger to children. He did his time, he doesn't need to declare it to everyone he meets.

I don’t necessarily think there is a wrong or right answer - just personal opinion on whether being a drunk driver at 17 and responsible for someone’s death should be public knowledge for the rest of your life or not. Do people not think there are skeletons in the closet of a lot of their dc’s parents lives? Do you know everything about them or just the bits they want you to know? Do you do a cba check on everyone who’s house your child visits?

Regardless of people’s opinion on whether other parents should know or not - your “friend” is not a friend. She’s being vindictive.

Your ‘friend’ isn’t a friend so I would be cutting her out.

Is your partner remorseful for his actions? Has he got his life on track since being out of prison? Does he work? Does he drink now? Does he drive? If I was told about him these are the questions I would want answering.

BUT to be honest my child has had many play dates over the years and yes I know the parents, but I know them as they are now, sensible adults who are working, looking after their kids etc if they had done anything like your partner did in their teenage years and been sent to prison I wouldn’t know unless they told me. If they did do something and now have their life on track I highly doubt they would bring up their past to me.
So for everyone on here saying they wouldn’t let their child near your house/partner really need to think how well do they actually know the other parents of their child’s friends?

If you’re still in the same area people might already know or they would likely find out by googling his name and finding press coverage.

i do agree with PP though that whilst you don’t necessarily need to tell them, I would expect you to take full responsibility for the children, not let him drive any children, and I seriously hope he is not drinking. but you also need to stop minimising this, maybe you’re doing so to make your situation more palatable, but your like would be very different if he had been the one who wound up dead.

A similar thing happened in my home town, and it was devastating at the time. I vaguely knew the girl but it destroyed her family and friends. He has to live with the consequences of being so reckless.

That said, I hired a tradesman who had been to prison for drink and drug driving. I knew he had when I hired him (I googled his name), but I had been very impressed with his knowledge and manner when he quoted and how promptly he returned his quote. He is hands down the best one we’ve had working on our house. And I know from others this was not the case before the accident, it was a much needed wake-up call for him. So rehabilitation is a thing. And it can work.

You talk as if this happened decades ago.

a teenager was killed by your partner three or four years ago.

to be honest I wouldn’t let my four year old child do to the home of a young man who was recently release from prison, especially when the crime he committed resulted in someone’s death. If you consider your partner was a child when this happened then you have to acknowledge the person he killed was also a child.

this is all very recent. You don’t have to declare your partners criminal background - but it will get out and it will have an impact.

Difficult one OP, because the other parents probably will find out at some point (whether you tell them yourself or not).

Actions have consequences, some people will judge him for this for the rest of his life, and the consequences of that may affect you and your child.

Honestly - If you told me upfront and gave me assurances that he’d never be left alone with my child, never drive my child anywhere, etc, I’d probably be ok with that. If I was left to find out through the grapevine I’d likely encourage my own child more towards friendships with some of the other 29 kids in the class whose father hadn’t killed someone 4 years ago.

I don't think your friend is being very helpful and she seems a bit spiteful.

From a parent perspective, if we're having regular playdates and our daughters are good friends than I would rather you be honest with me - only because it only takes a very gossipy parent to make very tall tales out of why your DP was in prison.

I'm not perfect, and while I've never been inside or caused the death of another, I don't think I could judge your DP too harshly if he's done his time and shows remorse for killing his friend. You've already been through it. No need for me to add to it and take potentially a good friend away from your DD. There for the grace of God go I, and all that.

He’s served his time, although I’d possibly not let him drive friends of your dd around just in case something does get out and some parents might be unhappy you didn’t share the info, as it would be relevant as to whether they were happy for their child to be in a car driven by your DP. We don’t know everything about everyone we meet in our lives, and as long as it wasn’t something like child abuse, murder or rape, then I wouldn’t feel I needed to know tbh.

I think it would just depend on how he is now. If he's a more cautious, responsible adult. If he knows he makes stupid choices when drunk so limits his intake. If he's a balanced person in general. I personally would only judge him for how he is now. He's not been charged for violence or being a pedophile etc. Just a very, very stupid, careless mistake. I likely would move away from the area for a new start for dc sake.

It's an awful consequence he'll never be free from (as per the victims family) but perhaps it'd be easier for dc not to have some other child tell her her dad killed someone.

TLDR: I'd feel comfortable having him around my child so long as he's a decent person now and has matured alot.

That's a terribly short sentence for what he did and it's not that long ago. I expect this minimising (a mistake and it was years ago) wouldn't be doing so, if their child was the one killed by a drink driver.

I wouldn't ever want my child in a car with him as the driver, but I don't think you need to tell people about it.

He served about a year and you still live in the same area. Most people will know and yy they will judge him and you for it. It speaks to poor judgement and I'd be wary of play dates. Yy that might go against the principle of rehabilitation but frankly I don't care. If my DC liked your DC, I'd invite you to mine instead.

I don't think you need to tell anyone OP. Did you friend know the person who died? If so, it is no wonder she feels so strongly about it. 4 years can make a huge difference in your teenage years but it's really no time at all when you have lost someone. The guilt will live with your DP for the rest of his life and if he is a good partner and dad he deserves to move on and add value to society now. It could have so easily been him who died or got into his friends car etc. People are quick to forget at that age you feel invincible, it is a very sad situation for everyone involved.

This poor little 4 year old innocent girl who is likely to be judged by so many parents and have her classmates potentially turned against her because of her Dads actions is all I can say to some judgey people here.

I remember my friends younger brother stealing his parents car at 16, should he be judged so highly? He didn’t kill anyone but he could have.

If the friend killed was my child I’m not sure I could forgive but I’d hope I wouldn’t want to make a 4 year old suffer because of her Dad, she had no choice in that.

He made an absolutely terrible mistake as a teenager.

Your daughters classmates parents do not need to know. Let’s be honest; if they did know, the only person it will negatively effect will be your daughter and she does not deserve to have to pay for the crime of her father.