Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to wring DDs neck! Would you have been worried?

189 replies

FlippingKids · 12/11/2022 02:12

DD started a new job yesterday in London. She said she was going out for after work drinks with her new colleagues tonight(last night) but was only going to be for an hour and still wanted dinner saved. That was at 5.30pm.

We live about 20 mins drive from the last stop on an underground line and not many taxis there at night. I texted her at about 10pm asking if she wanted a lift from the underground as no buses after that time and it costs about £15 for a Uber and she’s short of money until she gets paid. No response. Last train gets in at 1.30am and I wanted to go to bed so I try again at about 12am. Phone seems to be dead as going to voicemail and messages not answered. DH trying as well.

Started to get concerned as thinking if she has no battery, can’t get an Uber and she may be stuck at station (not walkable as 12 miles away). She obviously doesn’t know new colleagues so can’t imagine she’d have gone home with them and if she had she could have charged her phone right? Start thinking something’s happened.

Contacted her boyfriend to see if he’s heard from her and he said he’d texted her at 7pm but she hadn’t responded and he’d thought it was odd but that assumed she was already home. He rang round other friends and none had heard from her either.

I decide to drive to station at 1am in case she’s there and can’t get back. She’s not there so wait for last train as thinking after that she’s stuck in London. She then rings me at 1.35am to say she’s been having such a good time she hadn’t looked at her phone or noticed the time and her company were going to get her to get a taxi so it’s fine.

AIBU to think she could have said this earlier, especially as she said she’d be home for dinner! Not that I’m bothered what she’s doing but I just wanted to know she was safe especially in London at night after drinking.

She’s 25 but would you have been worried (and furious) in this situation?

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 12/11/2022 02:16

I thought you were going to say she was 18!
I can't vote as I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. She's 25 and can do what she wants, but should have really dropped a brief "staying out later than planned, see you tomorrow" text for politeness. But you're her mum and will always worry so YANBU either.

stevalnamechanger · 12/11/2022 02:17

Has she done this before - if yea YAnbu

If not , yabu one off

Original poster
FlippingKids · 12/11/2022 02:30

She has not come home before but that was when out with friends and good chance she’d slept over at one of theirs so not too worried after the first few times(!) but still angry as just a quick text saying not coming home would be enough!

This time it was because she was in London, didn’t know colleagues, boyfriend hadn’t heard from her either, knew she’d struggle to get back from station if no battery on phone. Sounds like it was a good ice breaker with her colleagues but I’m bloody fuming at driving to the station at 1am!

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 12/11/2022 03:14

I think YABabitU.

She’d asked for dinner so it was pretty rude not to let you know she wouldn’t make it. But she’s made it clear she wants to be a free bird in terms of when she comes home, so the texting and offering lifts and what have you is unreasonable. Let her come and go as she pleases, it’s up to her to work out how she gets home or where she spends her night. Furious is an over reaction.

PointyNails · 12/11/2022 03:21

I would have been very concerned as well OP and in the circumstances you are not being unreasonable.It doesn’t matter how old they are, you still worry and a call or text would have eased your mind.

iratepirate · 12/11/2022 03:24

Communication could be better. It’s courteous to let you know when she plans to be back or eat with you.

She didn’t ask you to drive to the station on spec, so I don’t see how you could be furious at her for that part.

SirenSays · 12/11/2022 03:30

Out of everything that could have happened. Her out having a great time was best case scenario, don't be furious. She's safe and having fun.

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/11/2022 03:32

YANBU. It’s common courtesy if someone is expecting you to let them know that you’ll be late. She didn’t do that and wasn’t answering her phone. Of course you were worried.

Cameleongirl · 12/11/2022 04:22

You could ask her to text you next time she’s planning to be out so late, but at 25, she really doesn’t need to share her plans with you. As a parent, you’ll always worry about her, but it’s tricky, because she’s not your “child” anymore. She’s a fully grown adult who shares a house with you IYSWIM. At her age, I lived in a different country to my parents.

mathanxiety · 12/11/2022 04:24

Was she short of money to get an Uber or a taxi from the station, or was she flat stoney broke and had no money at all to make her own way back?

It seems to me that she had enough money to go out for many hours, presumably buying drinks, etc, and therefore would have been perfectly fine getting a taxi from the station.

At 25 your daughter needs to be responsible for her own travel home. If you're not encouraging this, you should be. When were you planning to cut the apron strings here?

I think you are being too much of a helicopter. Your daughter is not broke. She should have got home under her own steam.

Part of the reason for the carelessness about keeping in touch is that she takes your taxi service for granted. Dear old mum will always come through for her. Part of it is that she is trying to shake you off. Yes, that's contradictory. It's possible to feel both resentful and dependent at the same time.

Remind her to make sure she has enough in her bank account to get whatever taxis she needs, and retire from your nighttime driving role.

Josette77 · 12/11/2022 04:28

Yabu reasonable because she is 25.

Whataretheodds · 12/11/2022 04:32

Josette77 · 12/11/2022 04:28

Yabu reasonable because she is 25.

At whatever age it's rude to say you'll be back for dinner and then not turn up til gone 1am.

She must have gone to the loo in that time, not hard to text.

AriettyHomily · 12/11/2022 04:51

25?!? You need to let her get on with it but if she yes
Kos you she'll be back at a certain time
She needs to tell you her plans have changed. That's just courtesy.

miltonj · 12/11/2022 04:52

I'd be really irritated if my mum was bothering herself this much about my whereabouts at 25. But with her living with you, it's natural that you worry and she needs to realise that. Whilst it's possibly irritating for her, she needs to realise that's the price she pays for living with parents as an adult.

cocktailclub · 12/11/2022 04:54

I think she lives with you and therefore needs to let you know. Whatever age.
If she lived elsewhere then of course not.

Conkersareback · 12/11/2022 04:56

cocktailclub · 12/11/2022 04:54

I think she lives with you and therefore needs to let you know. Whatever age.
If she lived elsewhere then of course not.

Exactly this!

SkinnyFatte · 12/11/2022 05:01

I would be worried out of my mind, of course I would, but...she's 25. An adult. She should be arranging her own transport, be contactable in case something goes wrong. A quick text to say she'll be out late would have sufficed.

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/11/2022 05:10

I agree with @Whataretheodds and @cocktailclub.

Her being 25 has nothing to do with it.

Under the same circumstances a friend or a flat mate or boyfriend/girlfriend could be worried. Why is a parent not allowed?

NumberTheory · 12/11/2022 05:10

Whataretheodds · 12/11/2022 04:32

At whatever age it's rude to say you'll be back for dinner and then not turn up til gone 1am.

She must have gone to the loo in that time, not hard to text.

Show quote history

Yes. It’s rude and if OP were asking if she were being unreasonable to be annoyed at her DD taking her for granted re: dinner then she’d have a point.

What’s unreasonable is the spending the evening trying to work out how to be an unneeded safety net for a 25 year old who has made it pretty clear she doesn’t really want to be helicoptered - and then being furious about it.

NumberTheory · 12/11/2022 05:12

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/11/2022 05:10

I agree with @Whataretheodds and @cocktailclub.

Her being 25 has nothing to do with it.

Under the same circumstances a friend or a flat mate or boyfriend/girlfriend could be worried. Why is a parent not allowed?

I have lived with lots of flat mates and several boyfriends, and while I would be annoyed at plans being broken (dinner) I wouldn’t be second guessing how they were getting home and getting furious about it.

BlodynGwyn · 12/11/2022 05:13

I surprised that some people actually think you stop worrying about your children when they reach a certain age.

Ragwort · 12/11/2022 05:17

Yes, I would be worried too ... I have an adult DS and if he says he is going to be home for dinner I would expect a quick text to update me of any changes. And we live so rurally that the last bus is 9pm and there are no taxis or Ubers so I would be anxious.

It is just common courtesy to let people know of changes to plans. It seems that many young people want the convenience and cheapness of living at home but don't appreciate the responsibilities involved.

But be thankful that all's well and she clearly had a great start to a new job .... and accept that most parents will worry for life Smile.

Busybeemumm · 12/11/2022 05:18

I did exactly this when I found myself living at home for a couple of years at around age 25. I know I just wanted my independence and felt like a child living back with parents who worried and i tried to exert my independence by not communicating my plans. In retrospect I was inconsiderate but at the time wanted to be free. Oh the memories of those nights out! My mum used to say - wait until you are a parent and now I get it as am one. Let her have her freedom and treat her like a responsible adult to sort her own self out and she might also start acting like one.

Conkersareback · 12/11/2022 05:22

BlodynGwyn · 12/11/2022 05:13

I surprised that some people actually think you stop worrying about your children when they reach a certain age.

Exactly!

So all theses parents would not worry? At what stage would they worry? Two days? Three days?

If this had been the OPs DH, he would've been called selfish, disrespectful etc (probably accused of being with another woman).

Common courtesy to drop a text, saying plans have changed.

"Hi, sorry won't be home for dinner after all, having a great time with colleagues, it's going to be a late one".

WaltzingWaters · 12/11/2022 05:22

Definitely rude and I’d be mad. Yes she’s old enough to stay out late and if she didn’t live with you or even if she hadn’t told you she’d be back for dinner it’s different. But she did and a quick “having fun, not sure what time I’ll be back” would have been enough. I’d be worried even for a flat mate, or even a parent in those circumstances!