To want to wring DDs neck! Would you have been worried?

[FlippingKids]

DD started a new job yesterday in London. She said she was going out for after work drinks with her new colleagues tonight(last night) but was only going to be for an hour and still wanted dinner saved. That was at 5.30pm.

We live about 20 mins drive from the last stop on an underground line and not many taxis there at night. I texted her at about 10pm asking if she wanted a lift from the underground as no buses after that time and it costs about £15 for a Uber and she’s short of money until she gets paid. No response. Last train gets in at 1.30am and I wanted to go to bed so I try again at about 12am. Phone seems to be dead as going to voicemail and messages not answered. DH trying as well.

Started to get concerned as thinking if she has no battery, can’t get an Uber and she may be stuck at station (not walkable as 12 miles away). She obviously doesn’t know new colleagues so can’t imagine she’d have gone home with them and if she had she could have charged her phone right? Start thinking something’s happened.

Contacted her boyfriend to see if he’s heard from her and he said he’d texted her at 7pm but she hadn’t responded and he’d thought it was odd but that assumed she was already home. He rang round other friends and none had heard from her either.

I decide to drive to station at 1am in case she’s there and can’t get back. She’s not there so wait for last train as thinking after that she’s stuck in London. She then rings me at 1.35am to say she’s been having such a good time she hadn’t looked at her phone or noticed the time and her company were going to get her to get a taxi so it’s fine.

AIBU to think she could have said this earlier, especially as she said she’d be home for dinner! Not that I’m bothered what she’s doing but I just wanted to know she was safe especially in London at night after drinking.

She’s 25 but would you have been worried (and furious) in this situation?

DS2 is 25. He’s got his own home and lives a couple of hours away so I don’t know where he is or who he’s with half the time. However, if he lived here and told me he was going out after work, wouldn’t be long and could i save him some dinner I’d be worried sick if I’d not heard from him by the early hours. It’s downright inconsiderate. It takes seconds to send a text.

I guess I had flatmates and friends who cared about me. And I cared about them too.

@ImustLearn2Cook agreed.

When DS mate didn't come out of his room for uni lesson, one of them knocked and went in. He'd had an epileptic fit and they literally saved his life.

Good job they checked.

I understand why you were worried but she is a adult.

Maybe a conversation about courtesy and explain to her why you were worried in a calm way will help for future

It's not an unusual scenario, many of us with young adult children (& teenagers) will have had the same experience. If they are having a good time they just don't think.

You are not unreasonable for being worried and, now, a bit peeved. If you calmly express that to your daughter it will make her think and she will be more considerate in future.

It sounds as though she enjoyed herself and her firm paid for a taxi home so no harm done. All over now. I hope you managed to get to sleep.

YANBU, my kids are in their 20s. Perhaps some of the people telling you you're being UR still have kids that are little and don't quite get it yet! My daughter is the only one still at home, but on a couple of occasions I've been expecting her to come home and she hasn't I've been concerned and contacted her to make sure she's ok.

It's the fact she said she would be back and didn't let you know that had changed. A text takes two seconds .

Your sense of superiority is misplaced. I cared. I just had faith in them, didn’t catastrophise nor see them as a way to create drama in my life.

@Conkersareback I’m glad your Ds’s mate had good friends 😊

How are you going to deal with this issue in future? I wouldn’t be saving dinner or chauffeuring her about. She’s 25 and working. Time she behaved like an adult.

She should have texted out of politeness but to be honest I think you were naive to believe she'd only be an hour 😂
Come on she's 25 and started a new job and got invited to drinks I'd have texted back like, stay out and have fun! And then expected her to roll in a bit drunk at 1am? She's an adult with a job she can pay for a taxi.

Tbh at 25 I lived with my boyfriend and my mum wouldn't have known I was even out. I think now you need to assume she's an adult - if she didn't live with you, you just wouldn't know.

I would have done the same as you OP and been worried sick.

I surprised that some people actually think you stop worrying about your children when they reach a certain age.

You don't stop worrying. But you do stop providing an unconditional taxi service. This teaches DCs to make plans for the entire evening, not just the going out part.

Around the age when my DCs and all their friends learned to drive (16, in US) I asked them, if they were going out, what their plans were for getting home, and to call me at 11pm to confirm or if there was a change and they needed to ask me for a ride instead, and we had a deal where they could send me a text if they wanted to come home from anywhere with no questions asked. Part of their preparations for a night out had to include making sure they had enough money to get their own meal /ticket/ taxi.

Once they turned 18 they were away at university and responsible for themselves.

Perhaps some of the people telling you you're being UR still have kids that are little and don't quite get it yet!

Mine are aged 32 down to 21.

There comes a time/age when they really do need to go off and find their own place to live however much you love them.

Yanbu because she told you she would be home for dinner and specifically asked you to save some.

Yes she's an adult and does not need to tell you everything she does or have a curfew. But, the decent thing to do when you live with someone is to let them know if plans change or you will be home later etc so they don't worry themselves silly that something has happened.

She was inconsiderate and thoughtless.

I think anyone who lives in your house, regardless of sex or age should get in touch if plans significantly change.

Obviously if she wasn't at home you wouldn't know where she was but while she's living at home, a simple text would have been the right thing.

And I would say this about anybody I share a home with, houseshare, flatmate, husband, wife, sibling, parent, son; daughter, whatever.

If you say you will be home for 5:30 and to save dinner then go off grid till 1am and don't tell anyone your plans have changes you are a selfish inconsiderate person.

People go on nights out and end up drowned in the local river or beaten and left for dead, it's a regular occurrence, and those thoughts would definitely creep in for me if my kid did what the OPs did.

It's not about being an adult and being independent and not having to share your plans with your parents or get permission. It's about making sure people you live with know not to worry that something has happened.

She is 25
You were ridiculous

YANBU I don't think it matters how old she is, if your expecting anyone you care about to be home around 7pm and they are over 6 hours late and not answering their mobile I would worry. It would be just the same if it was a partner, parent or friend. She should have sent you a text.

Put her on find my friends then if you’re worried about her, you can always check where she is. I would’ve fretted in those circumstances-my daughter is 24 and I would’ve worried something had happened to her.

presents a good argument as to why young adults should be living independently in flat shares so mum isn’t flapping around in the background

Ye sorry no way my mum would have been waiting around for me at 25 on a night out

You should have just let her get on with the night, cut the apron strings

I’d be worried sick. More to the point she’d KNOW I’d be worried sick. So I’d be upset if my daughters did this.

Any posters saying they would not be worried in this scenario are completely unreasonable.