To want to wring DDs neck! Would you have been worried?

[FlippingKids]

DD started a new job yesterday in London. She said she was going out for after work drinks with her new colleagues tonight(last night) but was only going to be for an hour and still wanted dinner saved. That was at 5.30pm.

We live about 20 mins drive from the last stop on an underground line and not many taxis there at night. I texted her at about 10pm asking if she wanted a lift from the underground as no buses after that time and it costs about £15 for a Uber and she’s short of money until she gets paid. No response. Last train gets in at 1.30am and I wanted to go to bed so I try again at about 12am. Phone seems to be dead as going to voicemail and messages not answered. DH trying as well.

Started to get concerned as thinking if she has no battery, can’t get an Uber and she may be stuck at station (not walkable as 12 miles away). She obviously doesn’t know new colleagues so can’t imagine she’d have gone home with them and if she had she could have charged her phone right? Start thinking something’s happened.

Contacted her boyfriend to see if he’s heard from her and he said he’d texted her at 7pm but she hadn’t responded and he’d thought it was odd but that assumed she was already home. He rang round other friends and none had heard from her either.

I decide to drive to station at 1am in case she’s there and can’t get back. She’s not there so wait for last train as thinking after that she’s stuck in London. She then rings me at 1.35am to say she’s been having such a good time she hadn’t looked at her phone or noticed the time and her company were going to get her to get a taxi so it’s fine.

AIBU to think she could have said this earlier, especially as she said she’d be home for dinner! Not that I’m bothered what she’s doing but I just wanted to know she was safe especially in London at night after drinking.

She’s 25 but would you have been worried (and furious) in this situation?

I don't believe that she didn't look at her phone until half 1 from 5pm.

I would be worried too in those circumstances op. It's not difficult to send a quick text.

I’m actually shocked! I thought I’d see a 99% for YABU but I’m actually in the minority 🤣

Maybe it’s because I’m only early 30s so can relate! But she’s 25… she didn’t check her phone, she’s young and having fun, please don’t make her feel like she’s the one who has to check in with her mum for dinner, its embarrassing because she’s 25.

You will worry, even when she’s 30/40/50. Comes with the territory, but a few hours of no contact shouldn’t have triggered such an extreme response to ring round everyone she knows. I hope you can relax a little knowing she’s an adult, you’ve raised her well and she’s all grown up now!

It's very easily done when you're out having fun but yes she should have let you know she was safe and it's understandable that you'd be worried and upset. Her age has nothing to do with it either, poor Sarah Everard was in her 30s for example.

I imagine the anger you're feeling is similar to how I felt when my then 4yo DD cycled straight out into a main road without looking. She's never had a telling off like it - before or since!

This is one of the reasons why I think this trend for adults staying at home is ridiculous. If she lived in a flat/ house share the OP wouldn't have even needed to know she was out and there would have been no worry.

I think you need to find a way to come to terms with the fact she's an adult and will sort herself. Worrying won't change anything.

Op, you must have been worried sick - even though there must also have been a voice whispering in your ear that she was OK. As for time just running away from her - nah, I’m not buying it. She was inconsiderate to not let you know she was ok.

Should you be disgruntled that you drove to the station to look for her? No. Not at all. Nothing we do for our children at any age is unreasonable when it comes to their safety.

I would not be so involved in a 25 year old's life

I would be the same OP, her age is a bit irrelevant here. The point is that she said she would be home about half 6, she said she’d be home. Then she didn’t turn up, didn’t call, no one had heard from her.
Id have been really worried too.
Have we forgotten Sarah Everard? All the other young women hurt or murdered?
Yes it’s extremely rare but it does happen.

I think the crux is here that she’d said she’d be home, had she said “I’m having a works night out, don’t wait up” then fair enough.

I wouldn’t be furious as so much as just bloody relieved. (Then furious lol).

This is the problem of living at home when you’re that sort of age! It’s tricky - she’s clearly an adult and should behave and be treated like one. That said - what she did was rude. When you’re an adult, you shouldn’t have to account for your movements to your mother - but it’s bloody inconsiderate to say to someone (whether your mum or not) that you’ll be there for dinner and then not turn up until the small hours.

😆 she’s 25 OP ! Back off

I was travelling the world at that age alone and even when I was back in the Uk my parents were living in Dubai anyway

yes bad things happen but they are in the minority. Make the dinner, leave it in the cold oven or fridge and get on with your evening. Bonkers to be driving around thinking she will be stood randomly at the train station

She is BU for not letting you know re dinner

YABU for driving to the station

She is a 25 year old adult woman.
Out with new work friends in the local city.
You need to get a grip!

She was BU not to tell you she would be late and I do understand why you were worried but YABU for being so involved as well, she's old enough to figure out how much an Uber costs etc. Have a chat about it and decide how to approach it in the future.

I think the "losing track of time" excuse is thin.. my first thought was that she'd pulled and doesn't want to talk to you about it because she has a boyfriend and also awks but it does just emphasise the difficulties of living with parents as an adult

having been there @FlippingKids you are definitely NBU in wanting to wring her neck!! The panic you feel when a housemate whether it’s a husband, partner or offspring don’t come home when they say they will then don’t answer their phone is indescribable. When my DS did it once I screamed and ranted at him (not proud of that!) about how worried I was and to be fair he listened and didn’t do it again 🤷‍♀️x hope your daughter can understand your feelings x

OP I would have been exactly like you.
All of you saying that the DD is 25 so it's up to her.... do you not read the news?! I presume that to date you've only ever been the daughter, not the parent, n this scenario.
Common courtesy would say you let those you live with know where you are, whether that's partner, parents or friends.
Would you all say it was fine if it had been a DH, rather than a DM, at home worrying?!

She is an adult so can of course go and come back whenever she wants but she is incredibly selfish and immature to focus on ‘having a good time’ and not dashing off a quick text to say plans have changed. I’d understand if her phone had run out of battery or was stolen but ‘having a good time?’

her age is a bit irrelevant here. The point is that she said she would be home about half 6, she said she’d be home. Then she didn’t turn up, didn’t call, no one had heard from her.

Id have been really worried too.

Have we forgotten Sarah Everard? All the other young women hurt or murdered?

This.

She’d still have been bloody rude if she told flat mates or a partner that she’d be gone for dinner then fucked off until 1am.

Its basic manners.

I would expect anyone living in my house, no matter what age to communicate if their plans had dramatically changed like that. If my DH aged 49 did this I would be frantic and furious too. It's common courtesy to those who care about you. It would have taken two seconds to send a quick text saying, "don't wait up, see you in the morning."

Assumed she was a teenager reading that. She’s 25! At that age most adults don’t live with their parents and you’d have no clue what time she was going to be home. She didn’t ask you to drive to the station at 1am, that was on you. Sounds like you’re over-invested, how will you cope when she moves out? Will she have to constantly text to let you know her whereabouts?

Her age is irrelevant, if she lives with you then of course you are going to worry if she doesn’t come home.
Its not about wanting her home by a certain time it’s being concerned about her

In the circumstances I would probably have done similar, whether for a child or for a friend/partner who hadn't turned up hours after they said they would.

That said - I'm not sure how long DD has been living with you, but it sounds like you're due a talk on what your current expectations of each other are. I moved back in with my parents for a year after uni and didn't initially realise that for things I'd got used to when living away (e.g. walking home late alone) they were still expecting to help me out like when I was growing up and would wait for my call. You both just need to be really clear upfront about your plans and what you're expecting - e.g. from her side: "I'm going out tonight and not expecting it to be long, but if things change the company will pay for me to get home - don't wait up".

She was rude and thoughtless

I would have been worried yes.

Doesn't matter what age she is so don't get why poster's are bringing it up.

I would have been beside myself with worry, OP, yanbu.

I mean I think yes she was U not to have dropped you a text but I do think you driving to the station at 1am just in case is absolutely ridiculous.