To want to wring DDs neck! Would you have been worried?

[FlippingKids]

DD started a new job yesterday in London. She said she was going out for after work drinks with her new colleagues tonight(last night) but was only going to be for an hour and still wanted dinner saved. That was at 5.30pm.

We live about 20 mins drive from the last stop on an underground line and not many taxis there at night. I texted her at about 10pm asking if she wanted a lift from the underground as no buses after that time and it costs about £15 for a Uber and she’s short of money until she gets paid. No response. Last train gets in at 1.30am and I wanted to go to bed so I try again at about 12am. Phone seems to be dead as going to voicemail and messages not answered. DH trying as well.

Started to get concerned as thinking if she has no battery, can’t get an Uber and she may be stuck at station (not walkable as 12 miles away). She obviously doesn’t know new colleagues so can’t imagine she’d have gone home with them and if she had she could have charged her phone right? Start thinking something’s happened.

Contacted her boyfriend to see if he’s heard from her and he said he’d texted her at 7pm but she hadn’t responded and he’d thought it was odd but that assumed she was already home. He rang round other friends and none had heard from her either.

I decide to drive to station at 1am in case she’s there and can’t get back. She’s not there so wait for last train as thinking after that she’s stuck in London. She then rings me at 1.35am to say she’s been having such a good time she hadn’t looked at her phone or noticed the time and her company were going to get her to get a taxi so it’s fine.

AIBU to think she could have said this earlier, especially as she said she’d be home for dinner! Not that I’m bothered what she’s doing but I just wanted to know she was safe especially in London at night after drinking.

She’s 25 but would you have been worried (and furious) in this situation?

YANBU - of course you were worried, you’re her mum and she didn’t get home when you were expecting her to, and she didn’t let you know there was a change in plans. Now you know she was safe, that worry has moved to anger at putting you through the worry. Perfectly natural reaction.

As a few others have said, it’s not about being a helicopter parent, it’s about expecting a bit of common courtesy. Are you seriously telling me that if your best friend said she’d be at yours by 6.30pm to have dinner with you, never turned up and you couldn’t reach her by phone, you wouldn’t be even the tiniest bit worried? Or if you husband/wife was expected home for dinner around 6.30pm after work, then you couldn’t get hold of them for hours, until they finally thought to call you a couple of hours after you’d have liked to have gone to bed you’d have been ok with that and not angry or worried at all? Or your child, but younger - 17? 18? 19? What’s the magic age we should suddenly stop worrying?

The fact it’s your daughter and she’s 25 is irrelevant. Someone you were expecting to show up for dinner did not arrive and did not let you know, they were then unreachable and the people you might have expected to have heard from them, hadn’t.

if it were me, I’d explain that I was really worried so in future please let me know that you’ll be late, even if not giving a time, so you know it’s ok to go to bed etc.

YANBU I'd be worried too.

This reminds me of something that happened in my life. I once visited my parents in Poland, my husband (my boyfriend then) went back to the UK early due to work. He told me he's back to work, let's say on Thursday, where in fact he was supposed to be back on Friday (his mistake, just confused dates). It was around midday when I didn't hear anything from him, not even "hello" text, his phone was silent. I was worried sick, worst things were coming to my mind, like he slipped in a bathtub, hit his head and lies unconscious in the bathroom etc. 🤐I rang his work, they said he didn't turn up, his father was ready to drive all the way from Cambridge to London to check on him. Finally, my mum managed to get through to him when he woke up (he had probably 50 missed calls from all family and employer!), he was really embarrassed he caused distress. I didn't know if I was more relieved or angry! People should really think bit more about others.

YANBU - Sarah Everard springs to mind and I'd be worried too. A quick text doesn't take much particularly as she said she'd be home for dinner.

YANBU. After all the awful things that have happened to women in the last couple of years ( I know, should be for ever but we’ve all seen the last couple of year’s news) your DD should have contacted you.
When my DDs were teens we had a rule that we all ( me included, single mum) had to say what time we we’d be home and if for any reason we were going to be late a phone call was necessary. Your home, your rules.

I'd have been going out of my mind as well. When plans change, at least have the decency to inform. All that worry could have been avoided.

She's very rude and I'd ask her which aspect of my parenting had made her like that so i could have a think if my other DCs were going to turn out the same. It is normal to communicate with the people you live with so they don't worry.

And then I'd just stop worrying (or letting her know you'Re worrying, you're her parent, IME the worrying never stops). She's an adult. TBH I'd be encouraging her to move out though,

I know she is 25 but yes i'd have been worried. She didn't know people she was with and my mind would go to the recent cases of young women killed in London. If she's not coming back fine but don't say save tea and then don't show.

To be fair I’m married with kids and my mum still likes me to txt I’m home safe. Totally get it now as a mother so don’t think YABU. However we have all lost track of time too so can see her side but even on a trip to the toilet she could have dropped a quick txt.

Shes 25, sounds like she lives with you... time to let her have her own life.

I'm damn sure at 25 (been gone from home nearly a decade at that point and had a kid) I wouldn't be answering to my mother about my social life or when I'll be home in bed.

If she lived independently like most 25 year olds you wouldn't even have a clue that she wasn't home unless you where obsessively checking on her like a creepy co-dependent parent.

It was however rude not to text to say she was cancelling dinner though, if you make plans its the basics to tell someone if your blowing them off so they dont got to trouble and waste for you.

Oh my God, she's 25. I read this thinking she was in her late teens.

I bet you left out the part of calling her 10 times in a row and loads of where are you texts ..

If she didn't live with you, you wouldn't have known she was even going out.

She's an adult and shouldn't have to report every move to you. I lived at home with my parents at that age, thankfully they were a lot less overbearing otherwise I'd have moved out.

In this scenario, the only thing I'd have been pulled up for was saying I'd be in for dinner and not turning up. (We didn't have mobiles so phoning wouldn't have been quite so simple) My parents would have been annoyed but not sitting fretting about tubes and trains and taxis.

Have we forgotten Sarah Everard? All the other young women hurt or murdered?

Have we lost perspective when we consider how many women go out late and aren't murdered? And that in fact, the number of women attacked by a complete stranger is a tiny proportion of all attacks.

If you are worried about your daughter being out in town late at night, but aren't worried if she were over at her boyfriend's place (where she is far more statistically at risk of being attacked) then you have lost perspective.

Maybe it’s because I’m only early 30s so can relate! But she’s 25… she didn’t check her phone, she’s young and having fun, please don’t make her feel like she’s the one who has to check in with her mum for dinner, its embarrassing because she’s 25.

and

If she didn't live with you, you wouldn't have known she was even going out.

Are missing the point. It's not about age it is about consideration. OK OP was a bit OTT going to the station, but if her DD had arrived on the last train she would, presumably have been thankful. (or maybe not...)

When i stay at my mums (she's in her 80s, I'm in my 60s) and i go out with friends i usually tell her about when I'll be back. And i keep her apprised of my plans so she doesn't worry. A quick text or call really isn't too much to ask.

Not to mention all the ways a young woman could be harmed and nobody would know because we mustn't have any worries about them

I think I'd have worried too, but she's 25, she doesn't need to be sharing plans. It is weird once you are an adult and still Iiving at home. I went travelling in my mid 20s and then moved back home to save for a house. I remember I had a night out once and got really drunk and slept the wrong way in my bed (feet at the pillow end). My mum looked into my room in the morning to check I'd come home (no idea why) and couldn't see me at the other end of the bed and freaked out. She'd woken me up shouting to my dad I wasn't there, I had to get up and say I am I was just at the other end of my bed, please don't just walk into my room and wake me up, I'm 26!!

I have 3 kids of my own now, I do get where parents of adult children are coming from, it's a weird situation, they are adults, but they're still your children and living at home.

YANBU surely its normal to worry if anbody in the household isn't home when expected and doesn't reply to messages, regardless of their age. This applies to mum, dad and DC even if adult, its just courtesy to send a quick message to whoever is at home if plans change.

Step back, she's an adult, not a baby.

She's 25, not a child. If she didn't live with you, you'd never even know! I wouldn't have gone to the station to pick her up at that time of night. She only did it because she knew you would go! Let her be responsible for herself.

Yes. I think this is maybe one of the problems with people living with their parents, past a certain age. Boundaries can get a bit muddled.

Nobody should tell someone they're going to be back at x o clock and then not turn up - that's rude and of course it's worrying, no matter what relationship you are in. If you live with someone you should let them know if you're going to be late.

But a child should be fully independent by 25, so there's a need for said child to assert independence and that seems to suggest not reporting to parents. So a child is almost naturally inclined to think they don't need to report/resent reporting.

Sets up a tricky dynamic.

YANBU, OP.

She lives in your house and told you she'd be an hour or so with the colleagues.
Of course she should have let you know she'd be late.
Of course she should have thought about how she'd get back.

Tell her that in future you'll regard her as a flatmate, you won't worry about where she is and you won't intrude on her autonomy by making her dinner or doing any other mum-type things for her.

I think it's rude of anybody not to let people know if they aren't going to be home when they said they would be. I don't care if it's an adult DC, a spouse, or a roommate. I wouldn't expect a detailed itinerary, just "Won't be home by 5 after all" with a new time or at the least "not sure when I'll be home".

With adult DC, I think it's because they feel it's making them 'accountable' to parents for their whereabouts. They don't understand that it's just common consideration for the people one lives with.

We had a real struggle with this with DS2 when he moved back home. Between my tendency to 'smother mother' with 1000 questions of where he's going and when he'll be home and his being used to coming and going as he pleased there were a few 'testy words' spoken. We've got it down now in code; "Go ahead and set the alarm" generally means he won't be home that night and "What's for supper?" means he will be at sometime or another. Other than that, I just let it go.

Very selfish of her. She told you she would be in. She was not. The fact that she is an adult and has been for many years means that she should be able to remember to zap you a message saying her plans have changed. It's extremely self centered of her as an adult to not do this. It's the sort of behaviour I would expect of over excited teenagers.

Yes she’s an adult but she is living with her parents so while she can do as she pleases she needs to be an adult And let people know as a quick text would have enabled you to get on with your evening. I text my hubby if I’m going to be late back and tell him I’m on way home

She should have messaged, however I fully get how she was enjoying her night and just got ‘lost’ in it. My view is though, she’s 25! Let her go! You don’t need to know what she’s up to, whether her plans have changed etc 🤷‍♀️

Rude and inconsiderate. If she'd said, no dinner and I don't know what time I'll be back - fair enough. If my DH said he was going out for drinks and said to save him dinner would it be ok if he rolled in at 2am just because he's an adult? I'm not a control freak or helicopter parent, I just expect good manners if we all live under the same roof.