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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to wring DDs neck! Would you have been worried?

189 replies

FlippingKids · 12/11/2022 02:12

DD started a new job yesterday in London. She said she was going out for after work drinks with her new colleagues tonight(last night) but was only going to be for an hour and still wanted dinner saved. That was at 5.30pm.

We live about 20 mins drive from the last stop on an underground line and not many taxis there at night. I texted her at about 10pm asking if she wanted a lift from the underground as no buses after that time and it costs about £15 for a Uber and she’s short of money until she gets paid. No response. Last train gets in at 1.30am and I wanted to go to bed so I try again at about 12am. Phone seems to be dead as going to voicemail and messages not answered. DH trying as well.

Started to get concerned as thinking if she has no battery, can’t get an Uber and she may be stuck at station (not walkable as 12 miles away). She obviously doesn’t know new colleagues so can’t imagine she’d have gone home with them and if she had she could have charged her phone right? Start thinking something’s happened.

Contacted her boyfriend to see if he’s heard from her and he said he’d texted her at 7pm but she hadn’t responded and he’d thought it was odd but that assumed she was already home. He rang round other friends and none had heard from her either.

I decide to drive to station at 1am in case she’s there and can’t get back. She’s not there so wait for last train as thinking after that she’s stuck in London. She then rings me at 1.35am to say she’s been having such a good time she hadn’t looked at her phone or noticed the time and her company were going to get her to get a taxi so it’s fine.

AIBU to think she could have said this earlier, especially as she said she’d be home for dinner! Not that I’m bothered what she’s doing but I just wanted to know she was safe especially in London at night after drinking.

She’s 25 but would you have been worried (and furious) in this situation?

OP posts:
Dontaskdontget · 14/11/2022 14:42

Yanbu I’d have felt the same. She’s been an idiot and very self-centered.

Gh12345 · 14/11/2022 14:42

i still think she could have sent a short quick message to let you know. With violence towards women and bad things that could happen… I’d be concerned too

PurpleWisteria1 · 14/11/2022 14:42

FlippingKids · 12/11/2022 02:12

DD started a new job yesterday in London. She said she was going out for after work drinks with her new colleagues tonight(last night) but was only going to be for an hour and still wanted dinner saved. That was at 5.30pm.

We live about 20 mins drive from the last stop on an underground line and not many taxis there at night. I texted her at about 10pm asking if she wanted a lift from the underground as no buses after that time and it costs about £15 for a Uber and she’s short of money until she gets paid. No response. Last train gets in at 1.30am and I wanted to go to bed so I try again at about 12am. Phone seems to be dead as going to voicemail and messages not answered. DH trying as well.

Started to get concerned as thinking if she has no battery, can’t get an Uber and she may be stuck at station (not walkable as 12 miles away). She obviously doesn’t know new colleagues so can’t imagine she’d have gone home with them and if she had she could have charged her phone right? Start thinking something’s happened.

Contacted her boyfriend to see if he’s heard from her and he said he’d texted her at 7pm but she hadn’t responded and he’d thought it was odd but that assumed she was already home. He rang round other friends and none had heard from her either.

I decide to drive to station at 1am in case she’s there and can’t get back. She’s not there so wait for last train as thinking after that she’s stuck in London. She then rings me at 1.35am to say she’s been having such a good time she hadn’t looked at her phone or noticed the time and her company were going to get her to get a taxi so it’s fine.

AIBU to think she could have said this earlier, especially as she said she’d be home for dinner! Not that I’m bothered what she’s doing but I just wanted to know she was safe especially in London at night after drinking.

She’s 25 but would you have been worried (and furious) in this situation?

And this is the problem with still living with your parents when you are an adult.
At 25 I called my parents once a Fortnight to see how they were doing and share any news. They literally had 0 idea where I was or what I was doing on a daily basis or any nights out.
But yes, if you are living with someone you care about (be it a partner, friends or parents) and you say you are going to be home and then don’t come back and it’s the middle of the night and no one can contact you, I think anyone would be worried.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/11/2022 14:46

I suspect that most (if not all) of those people saying nobody has any business worrying about a 25 year old, have not yet reached the stage of having teen children, or those in their 20s still living at home.

Dds were away at uni but both lived at home for a while after graduating. It was always a given in this house that they’d let us know if they were going to be very late home - or were staying at so-and-so’s.
In dd1’s case she’d usually have to let us know, because she’d have forgotten yet again to take a key, so it was a case of ‘please leave one under the mat…’.

I won’t go into what finally cured her of the habit of not taking a key - but on 2nd thoughts I will! It involved coming home unexpectedly early, expecting me to be in when I wasn’t - and being desperate for a poo!

superdupernova · 14/11/2022 14:47

If my DH did this I'd be worried if I was still up (though normally I'm asleep and don't wake when he gets home!). Obviously it wouldn't be an issue if she lived elsewhere but she doesn't and naturally you would worry. There have been too many women who didn't make it home. All of them would have thought they were safe until they weren't.

UWhatNow · 14/11/2022 14:52

I would’ve been frantic too op and have had those ‘oh I didn’t look at my phone’ texts after a night of no sleep, worrying myself sick and thinking the worst. When you read what happens in the news to some young women I don’t know how a loving parent can go to bed and not worry when their dd goes out on their own…

Floomobal · 14/11/2022 14:55

She’s rude not to have sent a quick text saying she’d be late, and don’t wait up etc..

As for making it your problem about how a 25 year old woman gets home… Totally ridiculous 😂 especially driving to a station in the middle of the night etc.

DD needs to show a bit of consideration, but you also need to treat her like shes 25, not 16

GloomyDarkness · 14/11/2022 15:00

At 25 your daughter needs to be responsible for her own travel home. If you're not encouraging this, you should be. When were you planning to cut the apron strings here?

I do this with my teens - making sure they have a plan and back up plan - we don't drive so they need it.

However I think she should have sent a text saying she'd changed her plans - even if she is 25 as that's polite - that's because she lives with you and lead you to expect her.

Obviously if she was not living with you - you'd know nothing and not worry - it's not just the kids though I'd expect DH if he'd lead to to think he was coming home to let me know if he wasn't as otherwise I'd worry and quick text I wouldn't need to.

ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner · 14/11/2022 15:04

YANBU I don't care how old she is, she could have text to say she was staying out later. If my husband told me he was coming home at a certain time and I didn't hear from him until hours later I'd be worried. Glad she was ok and had a good time!

Goldpaw · 14/11/2022 15:05

I’m bloody fuming at driving to the station at 1am!

Fuming at yourself? It was your decision.

She's 25, yes it's a bit inconsiderate to not tell you she'd be back for tea, but all the rest is you going OTT. So yes, YABU.

FallingsHowIFeel · 14/11/2022 15:08

Yes, I’d have been worried. My son is 19, he can stay out for as long as he likes obviously. But I ask to be kept informed. If he says he’ll be home around a certain time and that changes by hours, he knows to send a quick text. It’s a rule for anyone in our house whether parents or kids.

senua · 14/11/2022 15:14

YANBU. Who wouldn't be worried about a lone female - overdue and uncontactable - out on the town somewhere unknown with unknown acquaintances.

SplendidUtterly · 14/11/2022 15:14

YaNBU Op. I would've been worried and ringing around trying to find her too. A simple text to let you know is all she needed to do.

Clymene · 14/11/2022 15:16

I would also be pissed off. It's rude apart from anything else.

Rosebel · 14/11/2022 15:17

She should have checked in with you earlier. Yes she's an adult but she also knows you are going to be worried.
My mum said she only relaxed when we moved out and she didn't know if we were out or not. When we were living at home she'd lie in bed awake until we were all home and that was even if we'd let her know we'd be late.
I would be worried in this situation too and I think every parent despite what they might say would also be worried.

Seaweedandsalt · 14/11/2022 15:17

For those that think the OP is being unreasonable, watch 'Libby are you home yet?' and you might think again.

ladyluck13 · 14/11/2022 15:21

Her age isn't the point..She said she'd be an hour and to save her dinner...It was inconsiderate not to let OP know she wasn't coming home...Im 40 and in the same situation, my mum would be worried lol.

Whalesong · 14/11/2022 15:22

YANBU. As others have said, her age has nothing to do with it. I wouldn't accept this from anyone who lived under my roof (unless it was an an unrelated lodger). Since she'd said to expect her home for dinner she should have let you know, and especially when staying out after the last train, when as far as you knew she'd have to way to get home.
It would be totally different if she didn't live with you, but that goes without saying. And at her age, a "not coming home tonight but don't worry" would also be enough - obviously she doesn't have to tell you exactly where she is or with whom if she prefers not to. But keeping you in limbo like that when she must have realised you'd worry was not on.
DH did something similar early on in our marriage. He commuted to London by train and I used to drive him to the station in the mornings and pick him up in the evenings. This was almost 30 years ago and before we got our first mobile phones, so he used to call me from a payphone at the station to confirm which train he'd be on. One evening he spontaneously went out with colleagues and ended up staying out all evening. Meanwhile I was sitting at home waiting for a call to say when I should pick him up - I couldn't even have had a drink if I'd wanted to, while he was out boozing (and I had no idea where he was or if something had happened). Finally he rocked up after midnight, having taken a taxi from the station. He couldn't understand at first why I was fuming, but he got it eventually. Since then he's never not let me know if he's not coming home for dinner, going to be later than planned etc. Since I haven't had to collect him for many years I absolutely don't need to know exactly when he'll be home, but I do want to know if he plans to eat elsewhere and expects to be late so I don't worry (and if he's said "I expect to be back around 10" but it ends up being a couple of hours later that's fine, although he usually calls me when he leaves whatever event he's been to, and I do the same). It's a question of respect.

Mirabai · 14/11/2022 15:36

She’s 25 not 15 she can get herself home, it’s London not the Norfolk Broads.

cheninblanc · 14/11/2022 15:43

We've a really simple rule here, text at 11pm to let us know rough plans. That includes us when we are out. Courtesy and respect to everyone that way

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/11/2022 15:46

I don't think you were ridiculous. I think she is very inconsiderate. She made plans with you and then couldn't be bothered to reply to texts.

If she really wants to be treated as an adult she will do the following.
Text I'm fine, don't wait up. if she's made plans with you that change.
Make sure she always knows how she's getting home or if she can stay with a colleague or friend if she gets stuck.
Always know what time the last train is. She's using that route everyday Afterall
Or an alternative route, or a Night Bus.
Bring a charger for her phone.
Bring enough money for a taxi from the station
Know the local taxi locations/numbers.
Phone her boyfriend to pick her up

Its not overthinking it, at 25 she ought to start doing all of the above to make sure she doesn't needlessly get into difficult situations

I used to text my lot .. "I'm going to bed in half an hour so if you'll have to get an Uber after that." Funny how they responded immediately or made their own plans.

And don't worry about her spending £15 on an Uber or offer to cover it... once she's done that a few times, she'll start making sure she doesn't have to.

Johnnysgirl · 14/11/2022 15:57

Yanbu, op. The age is a red herring, really. The situation was a person, albeit a grown adult, wasn't where she said she'd be and had gone completely incommunicado.
It's perfectly natural to assume she'd run into some sort of trouble.

BellePeppa · 14/11/2022 15:59

senua · 14/11/2022 15:14

YANBU. Who wouldn't be worried about a lone female - overdue and uncontactable - out on the town somewhere unknown with unknown acquaintances.

Apparently lots of people on here! 🤷‍♀️ Maybe they’re the same parents who kick their kids out once they reach eighteen - that’s been popular on MN before 😁

OnABreeze · 14/11/2022 16:00

She's 25. As hard as it is safeguarding a daughter in this day and age she's a grown adult!

But yes she's a bit rude.

BellePeppa · 14/11/2022 16:05

mycatisannoying · 14/11/2022 14:05

Oh my God, she's 25. I read this thinking she was in her late teens.

Age is irrelevant! She lives with her mother and she indicated she’d be back for dinner! If you’re still going to live with a parent at that age then show some bloody courtesy or get your own place. I don’t understand how a parent couldn’t be worried!