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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to wring DDs neck! Would you have been worried?

189 replies

FlippingKids · 12/11/2022 02:12

DD started a new job yesterday in London. She said she was going out for after work drinks with her new colleagues tonight(last night) but was only going to be for an hour and still wanted dinner saved. That was at 5.30pm.

We live about 20 mins drive from the last stop on an underground line and not many taxis there at night. I texted her at about 10pm asking if she wanted a lift from the underground as no buses after that time and it costs about £15 for a Uber and she’s short of money until she gets paid. No response. Last train gets in at 1.30am and I wanted to go to bed so I try again at about 12am. Phone seems to be dead as going to voicemail and messages not answered. DH trying as well.

Started to get concerned as thinking if she has no battery, can’t get an Uber and she may be stuck at station (not walkable as 12 miles away). She obviously doesn’t know new colleagues so can’t imagine she’d have gone home with them and if she had she could have charged her phone right? Start thinking something’s happened.

Contacted her boyfriend to see if he’s heard from her and he said he’d texted her at 7pm but she hadn’t responded and he’d thought it was odd but that assumed she was already home. He rang round other friends and none had heard from her either.

I decide to drive to station at 1am in case she’s there and can’t get back. She’s not there so wait for last train as thinking after that she’s stuck in London. She then rings me at 1.35am to say she’s been having such a good time she hadn’t looked at her phone or noticed the time and her company were going to get her to get a taxi so it’s fine.

AIBU to think she could have said this earlier, especially as she said she’d be home for dinner! Not that I’m bothered what she’s doing but I just wanted to know she was safe especially in London at night after drinking.

She’s 25 but would you have been worried (and furious) in this situation?

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 12/11/2022 08:55

I mean you're not BU because she could have had more decency, especially if you are a worrier, but I dunno, I know people are saying why bring up the age...but 25 is pretty old. Most parents don't know where their 25 years old are or what they're doing. Even when I lived at home at 22, I never kept my parents updated. So they never worried. I'd have probably been more pissed off than worried.

Beansontoast45 · 12/11/2022 08:58

I would have been very worried and would be fuming with her.

RancidRuby · 12/11/2022 09:30

YANBU. I don't know why other posters keep bringing up her age, my husband is in his forties but I'd be angry and worried if he told me he was going out for a quick drink after work but would be back for dinner and then went completely incommunicado till the early hours of the morning. Ditto any adult living under the same roof as myself, be they partner, (adult) child or flatmate. It's not about being constantly updated, it's just basic courtesy so that the people that care about you are not worrying unnecessarily. If OP's daughter had said she was heading out for after work drinks without indicating any return time then I'd say the OP was BU, but that's not what happened.

HeatwaveToNightshade · 12/11/2022 09:41

YANBU. I would have been worried sick, especially when she asked that her dinner be saved and knowing all the difficulties with transport. It doesn't matter what age she is, a quick text to let you know what was happening would have been considerate. I would actually expect that even more from a 25yo than from an 18yo, when consideration for others hasn't always kicked in! Also, there is no cut off age for bad stuff happening in situations where there is no way of getting home easily. If she was 25 and living away from home, fair enough, but she lives with the OP and when you live with people who care about you, you should return that care.

Lopilo · 12/11/2022 10:01

I did this to my mum once. Too much wine on an empty stomach. Woke up in a random house with with strangers and no memory of the previous night. Luckily they were nice strangers.

PointyNails · 12/11/2022 11:13

An earlier poster said it was ridiculous that a 25 was still living at home. Why?
Its happening more and more these days with the economic situation and the shitstorm caused by covid with plans being derailed for so long.
It is also totally different when they move out. You don’t know where they are or what they are doing and in my case I worried far less. The fact that they are in your house and you are aware of their comings and goings makes it harder.
Of course not helped by the awful stories we seem to be bombarded with in the media, whether they are rare or not.

Notimeforaname · 12/11/2022 11:33

Yabu to want to wring a grown adults neck for doing what they like and changing their minds.
It is absolutely possible to be having such a good time you dont look at your phone. You need to stop driving the streets looking for a grown woman.

GoldIsMyChosenMetal · 12/11/2022 12:06

😂 I thought you were going to say 17/18 and I would be worried/annoyed. She is 25!!!
No I think you should have left the onus on her to contact you if she needed a lift.

geraniumsandsunshine · 12/11/2022 12:35

Yanbu no wonder you worried. She should have made contact

Cameleongirl · 12/11/2022 13:05

When my DH goes for “Happy Hour” with his colleagues, they usually last five to six hours and he sleeps in the spare room due to his drunken snoring 😂.

I think you should tell her how worried you were and set up a protocol for the future, I.e., she’ll send you a quick text if she’ll be late. But that’s all you can ask now that she’s 25.

PurpleButterflyWings · 12/11/2022 13:08

YANBU at ALL to have been worried and freaked out. I think most caring parents would have been worried.

She did nothing wrong though to be fair.

Hope you're OK now @FlippingKids !!! Flowers

PurpleButterflyWings · 12/11/2022 13:10

Also agree with a couple of posters that it's a bit of a shitty thing to say that a 25 year old should NOT be living with their parents still! Hmm Like there is something wrong with them!

WTAF is wrong with some people on here?! Confused

BuryingAcorns · 12/11/2022 13:13

YANBU. She gave you a clear message she'd be home for dinner and then was out of contact for over 8 hours. Whatever her age, that is cause for concern,. I'd have very firm words with her about either getting in touch or saying in advance that she;s going out and has no idea when she'll be back so don;t wait up - she'll make her own arrangements. She can't have it both ways.

Abouttimemum · 12/11/2022 13:15

It takes absolutely nothing to send a quick text to a relevant person that you live with who may be worried to say you’ll be home late and not to worry. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

Megapint · 12/11/2022 14:10

Yes, I would have been worried. Sounds like it's time for her to start thinking about getting a place of her own. Then she can do whatever she likes.

lljkk · 12/11/2022 19:32

She’s 25 but would you have been worried (and furious) in this situation?

NO, not me. If I let her out on her own she must know what she's doing.
I can imagine tsking at her next day to keep me informed & not waste food.

Littlewhitecat · 12/11/2022 19:41

Classic MN. If this was the OPs husband there would be cries of LTB. Oh but OPs DD that's fine even though she says she'd be home for dinner. If you share a house with people it's common decency to let people know if your plans have changed. DD wants to do what she wants then she moves out.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/11/2022 20:26

She’s 25! You have to let her look after herself.

Yes it would have been nice if she told you, so you aren’t being totally unreasonable. But staying up till all hours and being furious is unreasonable. She’s gone out with her colleagues so it’s about a million times more likely she’s crashed somewhere rather than got into any trouble.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/11/2022 20:37

If she’s still living at home, it’s just a courtesy IMO to let you know she’s going to be very late. My dds always did - they knew I’d worry otherwise.

How old they are is not the point - if they know you’re likely to worry they ought to let you know.

BellePeppa · 12/11/2022 20:50

Devoutspoken · 12/11/2022 08:04

I would not be so involved in a 25 year old's life

What if they were your partner? Is it only if you live with your mum her peace of mind doesn’t matter but if you have a boyfriend or husband at home then they ought to know you’re going to be much much later because their peace of mind matters?

IndysMamaRex · 14/11/2022 13:23

She’s 25. Yes she could have communicated better but you do need to cut the apron strings & checking where she’s is etc at 25 years old. She’s an adult & can sort her own way home, it’s not your responsibility. I was honestly expect you to say DD was 18 etc, I’d understand your worry a bit more but 25, she doesn’t need to make you aware any her travelling plans

Legallypinkish · 14/11/2022 13:26

Yanbu it’s just courtesy to let you know she’s not coming home or will be late. If she lives with you she should respect you will be worried.

Legallypinkish · 14/11/2022 13:27

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/11/2022 20:26

She’s 25! You have to let her look after herself.

Yes it would have been nice if she told you, so you aren’t being totally unreasonable. But staying up till all hours and being furious is unreasonable. She’s gone out with her colleagues so it’s about a million times more likely she’s crashed somewhere rather than got into any trouble.

I doubt you’d crash at a colleague’s house that you’ve only just met that day.

Dreamingcats · 14/11/2022 13:33

I don't think you are unreasonable. I'm middle aged but if I told my Mum that I'd be back by 7pm but then didn't turn up and was uncontactable by 1.30am she'd be thinking I was dead in a ditch somewhere. Super inconsiderate at any age imo.

If she'd told you she was going to be out late and not to wait up for her however, I'd say you are unreasonable.

PeeJayDay · 14/11/2022 13:40

I'd be worried about anyone who said they'd be home and then didn't turn up and were uncontactable. She should've messaged you