AIBU?
What to do with male neighbour
Deemarie11 · 10/11/2022 12:58
I'm 30 l live alone in a small terraced house. I've been living here for one year. Next door to me lives a man in his late 50s. We have nothing in common. We would say hello the odd time but thats it. The houses don't open right onto the street. We have a very small front garden, walls and gate each.
My front garden is very small, it's not something you would sit in. So I am only ever in it to mow my small lawn, paint the small walls etc.
Any time that I am EVER in my front garden, my male neighbour will come over right to my walk, to talk to me.
Last time I was mowing my lawn, he came out of his house, came over to my walk and started talking to me about something.
Today, I was painting my small wall in my front garden. He came over right to my walk and said "hey! I'm expecting a package. Will you take it in. They said they'd leave it with a neighbour".
I didn't want to but I said yes even though I didnt want to, as I was nervous and trying to get him to go away. He will probably be over to me later looking for it, which causes more stress for me.
I'm starting to be nervous every time I go out in my front garden, I kind of dash in and out as I know he will be straight over. He is creeping me out. I literally cannot go in my garden and do one simple thing without him coming straight over. It's giving me anxiety. If I saw my female neighbour across the road doing gardening, I wouldn't go straight over , lean over her wall and start talking to her. I know I would be intruding on her privacy. He does it every single time. It's really giving me anxiety. I don't know what to do.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
picklemewalnuts · 10/11/2022 13:04
The easiest non confrontational, beginner's response is to wear headphones and work at avoiding eye contact with him.
If he were to be so incredibly rude as to tap you on the shoulder or pull your ear piece out in an attempt to force you to pay attention, then give a startled scream. 'OMG you scared the life out me! What the hell were you playing at!'.
If you are prepared for the above, you may feel better about it- you have a p,an, so to speak.
But generally the answer is to do with female socialisation. Stop feeling obliged to smile, and respond nicely. Just grunt, look at him coldly, ignore.
We're trained to encourage people to approach us, they are trained to assume it's welcome. We both need to change our ways!!
ChickinBell · 10/11/2022 13:16
Just tell him it's very intrusive him stepping over the wall everytime you are out in the garden , there's no need for it
Be direct
Deemarie11 · 10/11/2022 13:19
I do think some men fully expect that their female neighbours are absolutely obliged to talk to them.
They never think that they might be scaring/upsetting their female neighbours. No, they are the men so they think they are entitled to talk to women.
I think there is a creepy flirty element to it. He comes up with so many excuses to come over and talk to me.
I wouldn't mind if he did it once. He does it every single time.
Starting to feel really unhappy in this house.
SnowyPetals · 10/11/2022 13:19
I would go with a brief wave and hello, followed by "Well, must get on" and turn my back on him.
nannyquestion1 · 10/11/2022 13:20
Smile briefly, ignore apart from absolutely essential questions. Don't look at him at all.
picklemewalnuts · 10/11/2022 13:21
You don't owe him eye contact, you aren't obliged to pause when he speaks or give him any attention at all. Just carry on with what you are doing.
I know it feels rude. But it's ok.
CloudybutMild · 10/11/2022 13:22
He’s doing what normal neighbours do, he likely doesn’t know that you are so unfriendly so don’t want to talk.
DashboardConfessional · 10/11/2022 13:22
I'd probably stick earphones in and pretend to be on the phone, so he has to stand there awkwardly then go away. Twice or three times should do it.
Chesterdrawsseriously · 10/11/2022 13:23
ChickinBell · 10/11/2022 13:16
Just tell him it's very intrusive him stepping over the wall everytime you are out in the garden , there's no need for it
Be direct
I don’t think he’s doing that, I think he comes over to talk to her/
op is there a back story here in why you are scared and unable to deal with this. Yes he probably fancies you, is looking for reasons to talk to you . Do you have any one who can advocate for you if you’re unable to to it yourself ? If you are able to thru it Is best to be direct. Just say no excuse me and walk back in. Every single time. He will stop. Or as another person said. Wear headphones. If he comes over Just shake your head and go in. Do not Interact. Do not take parcels in. If you can muster it just say please don’t speak to me again.
LolaButt · 10/11/2022 13:26
My female 70 year old neighbour does this to me and it drives me mad. Mainly because it feels like she’s spying on me. Does she sit at the window watching all the time?
It’s really difficult in the moment to tell them to bugger off, but the posters above have given some great advice.
PizzaPastaWine · 10/11/2022 13:26
It doesn't sound like a male/female thing to me. It sounds to me that perhaps he is being a little over neighbourly.
I'd be polite and just get on with what I was doing.
On my road conversions/parcel favours are common.
Deemarie11 · 10/11/2022 13:29
CloudybutMild · 10/11/2022 13:22
He’s doing what normal neighbours do, he likely doesn’t know that you are so unfriendly so don’t want to talk.
It's not normal. If he did it once it would be fine. He never lets me do one single thing in my garden, without coming over to talk at me. I don't remember ever getting to mow my lawn, tend to flowers, paint my walls without being interrupted by him. It does really irritate me and feel really intrusive.
If it's so normal, why don't I go and talk to the woman across the street every time she is in her front garden. I know she is gardening and it would be intrusive for me to go over and lean over her wall every single time she is in her front garden.
Especially when a man does it to a woman - it has more of a fear factor.
TootsAtOwls · 10/11/2022 13:32
Is there a time you know he goes out, and you could do your gardening stuff then?
Sorry that's not very helpful, but if i I were you I'd minimise the contact.
malmi · 10/11/2022 13:36
You haven't told him you don't want to talk, though, have you? Practice exchanging a few pleasantries and then "Right, if you don't mind, I need to get back to painting this wall/sorting out these flowers" and turning away to show that the conversation is over.
If you just stew in silence his behavior won't change, and whether he is being friendly, over friendly, intrusive or weird, it doesn't really make any difference, the result is the same- you don't feel comfortable in your front garden.
Deemarie11 · 10/11/2022 13:37
Yeah I normally look to make sure that he is not there before I dash out into my garden. However this time, I was just trying to paint the wall, and it was raining and I had to do it when the rain stopped. When the rain stopped, I went out, he went out to his car, then came over leaned on my wall and started talking about his parcel.
I am upset because he is a very large man and he intimidates me, and I said yes to taking the parcel in because I was too scared in that moment to say no, and now I'm stressed thinking of him actually coming over to my house this evening looking for the parcel.
I don't like him. If he wasn't my neighbour I'd have nothing to do with him. I tend to keep it to a polite hello on the street. The thought of him coming over to my house tonight is making me anxious. I know he is technically looking for his parcel, but I also know that he is not, I know by him that it is an excuse for him to come over to my house to talk to me and try to invite himself in
kingtamponthefurred · 10/11/2022 13:37
Taking in parcels is normal neighbourly co-operation, but if you want to discourage all contact, try being selectively deaf. How high is the wall? Maybe you need a higher wall, or a trellis with climbing plants. Or a few pots to sit on top of the wall, planted with very spiky shrubs.
NotAHouse · 10/11/2022 13:39
How does he see you're in your garden? Could you plant a tall bush that blocks his view?
Also there's no need for him to come over to "look for" his parcel as they will leave him a card when it's been delivered. I actually reckon there's no parcel and he just wanted to talk to you.
Beamur · 10/11/2022 13:40
He's probably bored and lonely. But you don't owe him company.
Be polite but brisk. Don't get into a conversation and if he asks about deliveries etc again just say you're not reliably in, so it might be better if he asks someone else. Head phones or sunglasses are also good ways to help you keep your boundaries a little bit more comfortably. Just carry on with your job. If he persists, then say you really haven't got time to chat and have jobs you want to get on with.
Deemarie11 · 10/11/2022 13:42
kingtamponthefurred · 10/11/2022 13:37
Taking in parcels is normal neighbourly co-operation, but if you want to discourage all contact, try being selectively deaf. How high is the wall? Maybe you need a higher wall, or a trellis with climbing plants. Or a few pots to sit on top of the wall, planted with very spiky shrubs.
It's not about taking in parcels. It is that he is creepy and over intrusive.
Across the road from me are four terraced houses. They are as far as I can tell single women and married couples. If I am in my garden, the women across the road are often out in their gardens, we never come near each other.
To the other side of me is a married couple. The same thing with them. If either of us are in our front gardens we never go near each other. Maybe a nod and quick hello.
However he is totally overbearing. He will come over lean over my wall every single time, make me stop what I'm doing, talk at me. He is creeping me out a lot. Every time I have to talk to him I feel uncomfortable
CluelessParent · 10/11/2022 13:44
Stop brushing your teeth and make sure you speak close and directly to his face.
airey · 10/11/2022 13:44
Do you rent this house or own it?
Either way, I personally would consider moving. Other people will think this is crazily excessive, but life is too bloody short to worry about living next to a horrible neighbour. I'd say trust your gut on not liking him too.
In the short term, you gotta be prepared to be really rude. Hurt his feelings if you have to.
If he asks you to take a parcel, say No, I'm too busy. No more explanation than that.
If he comes to talk to you, pretend your phone goes off and start chatting on it. or just go indoors until he goes away.
But yeah, i'd definitely consider moving! x
Deemarie11 · 10/11/2022 13:45
airey · 10/11/2022 13:44
Do you rent this house or own it?
Either way, I personally would consider moving. Other people will think this is crazily excessive, but life is too bloody short to worry about living next to a horrible neighbour. I'd say trust your gut on not liking him too.
In the short term, you gotta be prepared to be really rude. Hurt his feelings if you have to.
If he asks you to take a parcel, say No, I'm too busy. No more explanation than that.
If he comes to talk to you, pretend your phone goes off and start chatting on it. or just go indoors until he goes away.
But yeah, i'd definitely consider moving! x
I own it.
PizzaPastaWine · 10/11/2022 13:46
If there is indeed a parcel then as soon as you see him arrive take it over to his address. Knock his door, put it on his doorstep and then give him a nod of acknowledgement from the pavement and walk away.
Try cutting each conversation short.
Get a ring doorbell because IF his behaviour persists you can use this to produce to the police.
Some people male and female just do not realise social cues. This may be what it is in his case.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/11/2022 13:47
I’d probably want to be quite direct - sorry I quite like to be left alone when I’m in the garden.
But equally you could start by wearing headphones etc and giving him a hint like “oh just enjoying some peace with my music” and build up.
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