What to do with male neighbour

[Deemarie11]

I'm 30 l live alone in a small terraced house. I've been living here for one year. Next door to me lives a man in his late 50s. We have nothing in common. We would say hello the odd time but thats it. The houses don't open right onto the street. We have a very small front garden, walls and gate each.

My front garden is very small, it's not something you would sit in. So I am only ever in it to mow my small lawn, paint the small walls etc.

Any time that I am EVER in my front garden, my male neighbour will come over right to my walk, to talk to me.

Last time I was mowing my lawn, he came out of his house, came over to my walk and started talking to me about something.

Today, I was painting my small wall in my front garden. He came over right to my walk and said "hey! I'm expecting a package. Will you take it in. They said they'd leave it with a neighbour".

I didn't want to but I said yes even though I didnt want to, as I was nervous and trying to get him to go away. He will probably be over to me later looking for it, which causes more stress for me.

I'm starting to be nervous every time I go out in my front garden, I kind of dash in and out as I know he will be straight over. He is creeping me out. I literally cannot go in my garden and do one simple thing without him coming straight over. It's giving me anxiety. If I saw my female neighbour across the road doing gardening, I wouldn't go straight over , lean over her wall and start talking to her. I know I would be intruding on her privacy. He does it every single time. It's really giving me anxiety. I don't know what to do.

[Cam22]

But WHY should the OP have to adjust her behaviour for the sake of this creep?

[JinglingXmasbells]

He either fancies the pants off you or he's lonely.

You need to learn to be friendly but in a way that shuts down further conversation.

You are over-thinking it.

[Blueboy1001]

Fair enough, I thought it might be interesting to see a different point of view. I will not post again.

I thought men were allowed to post here.

I was just trying to highlight that these were the most likely reasons(in my opion). I didn't say it was right but, unfortunately I think this behaviour is common. I've seen it down my street.. Hence, why I'm agreeing with the majority that he needs to be made clear. It's not harassment until he knows it's harassment. Unfortunately some people need to be told! Again, before you jump down my throat, I'm not saying that's right.

Anyways I'll not replay again. I only came across the site recently after googling some financial topics and found the advice here useful.

[Cam22]

NB

One post on this thread has been reported to the mods. Someone seeking advice should not have to encounter an interloper.

[girlfriend44]

@CloudybutMild

He’s doing what normal neighbours do, he likely doesn’t know that you are so unfriendly so don’t want to talk.

Exactly this. What on earth is wrong with neighbours talking to other neighbours. Some People.

[Jaffacats]

“You need to learn to be friendly but in a way that shuts down further conversation.”

Yes a nice big cheery smile with just the right amount of ‘grey rock’ should stop him from feeling utterly rejected and prevent him from having a big strop and retaliating. It annoys me no end that women are still expected to tiptoe round some men who show predatory traits.

[Deemarie11]

@JinglingXmasbells

He either fancies the pants off you or he's lonely.

You need to learn to be friendly but in a way that shuts down further conversation.

You are over-thinking it.

But why do we have to be friendly to creep older nasty horrible men, just because they live on the same street as us?

My friend told me that she used to live on a terraced house on a street. The neighbour directly opposite her house was single older male.

She told me that when he saw she was in her bedroom (she had no net curtains, she had blinds) he would come into his bedroom at the front of his house, naked and make sure she saw his penis.

Should she have to be friendly with him? Just because he was her neighbour? She was scared of him.

I never understand this mentality of -yiu have to be friendly to all of your neighbours. What if they are perverts? Creeps? People that scare you?

[AlbertaAnnie]

Just stop engaging - if he comes over ask what he wants and just turn back to what you are doing “ must get on etc”

[Cam22]

People have the right to decide whether to talk to someone or whether NOT to talk to someone.

[Cam22]

TMI in that post above, OP…

[miltonj]

Why are you nervous? Has he done anything g untoward? Sounds like normal neighbourly behaviour to me. Doesn't sound like a male/female thing.
Is there a reason why you are so nervous of being asked to take a parcel? Or find it stressful? It feels sad that we have come so far as to resent our neighbours talking to us or are reluctant to take in parcels!

[IceandIndigo]

He sounds awful OP, and your update about the music removes any need to give him the benefit of the doubt. You need to find ways to shut down any conversation, even if it means being direct to the point of rudeness. Lots of good suggestions by PP. I had a neighbour a bit like this. I think he was probably just lonely, but he used to spend a lot of time sitting in his back garden and then he'd try to start a conversation every time I was in mine. I found it really intrusive. Eventually I just told him directly something like "I'm sorry, but gardening is something I do to relax and be alone with my thoughts, so I'm not really looking for a conversation". After that I would just ignore him whenever we were both in the garden, not make eye contact etc, and he stopped bothering me.

If he retaliates with the music again a direct approach is needed, I'd knock on his door and ask him to turn it down as it's bothering you. If he refuses you can report him to the council for noise nuisance. And at least after that you won't have to pretend to be on good terms with him anymore, if he comes out when you're in your garden just ignore him and don't respond if he talks to you.

[Butchyrestingface]

@Deemarie11. -- ah yes, thought the name seemed familiar. You seem to be having rather a lot of issues with boundaries.

[Cam22]

Yep.

[Butchyrestingface]

@Deemarie11

By the way, you were 38 in your thread t'other day. How is it you are now 30?

[Emotionalsupportviper]

Could you possibly be more patronising?

[Testina]

@Blueboy1001 you can also fuck off with the petulant “didn’t know men weren’t allowed to post” shite.

As for this gem, “It's not harassment until he knows it's harassment”… 🙄
I do hope you meant it when you said you won’t post again, because nobody needs that shite on here.

[TheaBrandt]

“When I’m sorting out my garden I’m in the zone and not looking for conversation - see you round”.

[miltonj]

@miltonj

Why are you nervous? Has he done anything g untoward? Sounds like normal neighbourly behaviour to me. Doesn't sound like a male/female thing.
Is there a reason why you are so nervous of being asked to take a parcel? Or find it stressful? It feels sad that we have come so far as to resent our neighbours talking to us or are reluctant to take in parcels!

Ok sorry, just read your updates about music. I'm with you now. No advice, other than get a ring doorbell and make sure you tell your friends/family, that he's a potential threat.

[bewarethetides]

@FieldMapleMabel

If you do take his parcel in, keep an eye out for him arriving home and dash around to his with it so he's not coming to your house. Then put a note on your door for delivery drivers, stating you don't take in parcels for neighbours.

Lots of men are like this. They feel entitled to female attention. It happens when I'm walking my dog on the common. Quite regularly male dog walkers will take a route that deliberately crosses mine, when there's loads of space and when I'm deliberately changing direction to avoid them. Then they expect a chat. I've observed this for decades. They don't do this to other men. But you'll be told to be kind. Many women believe that women should be support humans for entitled men.

I've seen this as well when out and about, it's quite annoying.

[Testina]

@Emotionalsupportviper “Could you possibly be more patronising?”

If you’ve got suggestions for me to make it more patronising, I’ll be glad to hear them, thanks. The more patronising the better I think, in the face of a post like that. Have you seen his follow up?

[Cam22]

@Butchyrestingface

@Deemarie11

By the way, you were 38 in your thread t'other day. How is it you are now 30?

Oh dear.

[Emotionalsupportviper]

@Testina

@Blueboy1001 you can also fuck off with the petulant “didn’t know men weren’t allowed to post” shite.

As for this gem, “It's not harassment until he knows it's harassment”… 🙄
I do hope you meant it when you said you won’t post again, because nobody needs that shite on here.

Seconded.

[forevercooking]

@Minikievs

People would really consider living because a neighbour has chatted a few times?!
Just be brief and polite and don't engage in a huge conversation.
I love chatting with my neighbours, but appreciate it isn't the sane for everyone.
On the basis of the OP though I'm not sure it warrants moving house

I've been driven out for my home by my neighbour. I can't leave the house/bring my shopping in/ vacuum my car or take my bin out without him being out asking where I'm going/been, what I'm up to. Goes to his bin passed my front door 14 times in 38 minutes. Constantly creeping around. Looks through windows - takes in parcels he's been told not to do you have to go and collect them. He often opens those parcels and claims he got confused. Knocks on the door all the time about nonsense. It's hell!!!

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

I think you might need to put some trellis up taller than the wall and fix a climbing plant onto it.