What to do with male neighbour

[Deemarie11]

I'm 30 l live alone in a small terraced house. I've been living here for one year. Next door to me lives a man in his late 50s. We have nothing in common. We would say hello the odd time but thats it. The houses don't open right onto the street. We have a very small front garden, walls and gate each.

My front garden is very small, it's not something you would sit in. So I am only ever in it to mow my small lawn, paint the small walls etc.

Any time that I am EVER in my front garden, my male neighbour will come over right to my walk, to talk to me.

Last time I was mowing my lawn, he came out of his house, came over to my walk and started talking to me about something.

Today, I was painting my small wall in my front garden. He came over right to my walk and said "hey! I'm expecting a package. Will you take it in. They said they'd leave it with a neighbour".

I didn't want to but I said yes even though I didnt want to, as I was nervous and trying to get him to go away. He will probably be over to me later looking for it, which causes more stress for me.

I'm starting to be nervous every time I go out in my front garden, I kind of dash in and out as I know he will be straight over. He is creeping me out. I literally cannot go in my garden and do one simple thing without him coming straight over. It's giving me anxiety. If I saw my female neighbour across the road doing gardening, I wouldn't go straight over , lean over her wall and start talking to her. I know I would be intruding on her privacy. He does it every single time. It's really giving me anxiety. I don't know what to do.

[Sewfedupofcovid]

I’d say “oh, that’s my landline ringing, excuse me” and don’t go back out if he’s still there.

He may be lonely and not realise the upset his actions are causing.

say your heading off out soon if you don’t want to take a parcel in.

maybe get to know if he’s got regular going outs and make a point of doing the garden things then.

Definitely get a ring doorbell, if the parcels not come don’t open the door,

[wildthingsinthenight]

@Minikievs

@Cam22 I understand that. I like meaningless chit chat, others don't.

My point was that it seems a bit of an overreaction for pp to say they'd consider moving. Just say "I haven't got time to chat" if you don't want to. I really don't see why selling your property is the only option!
OP hasn't told him that she can't chat and has said that she'll take his parcel in for him. How is he supposed to know she's uncomfortable with it, if he's not been told?

You seem confused as to what this post is about.
It is about OP and her feeling harrassed, upset and intimidated by her neighbour's inappropriate preoccupation with her.
Please don't belittle her feelings by saying how YOU would feel. This is about how SHE feels.

[Cam22]

Explore HIS reasons? Are you for real?

[idonotmind]

You basically need to pretend to be someone else. An agressive, confrontational person. Next time he creeps out and starts chatting say to him 'I'm busy, you better make it quick' and give him a hard stare.

[Cam22]

@wildthingsinthenight

You seem confused as to what this post is about.
It is about OP and her feeling harrassed, upset and intimidated by her neighbour's inappropriate preoccupation with her.
Please don't belittle her feelings by saying how YOU would feel. This is about how SHE feels.

Exactly. And as for someone else exploring the horrible man’s intrusiveness? Good God.

🤮

[wildthingsinthenight]

@Cam22

The OP is saying this man makes her feel uncomfortable. It’s not just something anyone should have to tolerate!! Why are people trying to makes excuses for him?

Be rude to him, OP. Some weirdos rely on women being too polite.

This

[HarvestThyme]

Answer the door for the parcel - tell the delivery person that you refuse delivery and ask them to note down that you will not accept packages for his address.

Headphones - even if you aren't listening to anything. When he starts talking, lift one headphone, shake your head and say 'Not now.' Don't say sorry. Don't smile politely. Don't listen. Headphones back on, go back to your work. Repeat as often as you need. 'Not now.' 'No time.'

Note down every interaction. Save it in case his behaviour escalates.

Talk to the people across the street. Talk to your other neighbours. No one wants to be bothered all the time but they won't mind occasionally chatting. Tell them he's scaring you. They may know something.

[Minikievs]

@wildthingsinthenight
I'm not confused in the slightest. My reply stated I understand that not everyone likes chatting, so I absolutely know it's not about how I feel, thank you.
My point was that moving was an overreaction given that she hasn't even tried to tell him she feels uncomfortable. She's agreed to take his parcel. Has chatted previously. Surely the first thing to try is to stop the chat, not move. That was my point.

[Cam22]

@Blueboy1001

Let's explore the most likely reasons he wants to talk to you:
1. He is being a friendly neighbour.
He might think that he is helping by being a friendly voice especially given that you live on your own.
My wife is like this she knows everyone down the street and is astounded when I don't know half of them. She makes extra effort with the people that live on their own (usually by offering my services - cutting their lawn etc etc).
2. He fanices you.
He may be flirting because you are undoubtedly attractive to him given the age difference.
A lot of older men do this and wouldn't see it as harmful as they know they've no chance and often don't consider it as flirting. Just a conversation with them gives them a little boost. Again there are a few of the old boy neighbours that mildly flirt with my wife. Whilst certain women can fend this off there are a lot that will feel uncomfortable with this behaviour.
3. He is lonely and wants to make a friend.
I assume that he is living alone and if he is in his late 50's then he is most likely going to be feeling lonely. In this case, both reasons above could also be possible.

All options sound as though they could be as plausible as each other. All neighbours are different. We take parcels in for several houses, especially as we both WFH. We like chatting with the neighbours but, understand that some chat more than others.

The lady across the road will purposely take her dog for a walk as soon as I take mine, I believe it's because she feels safer. There are of course boundaries, if he is made aware of the boundaries and doesn't stop that's when I would say there is a problem in this scenario. I suspect you feel that he fancies you and is a threat, this is why it is important the signals you give him are clear.

Ah.

”MAN HERE”


🤮🤮🤮

[wildthingsinthenight]

@HarvestThyme

Answer the door for the parcel - tell the delivery person that you refuse delivery and ask them to note down that you will not accept packages for his address.

Headphones - even if you aren't listening to anything. When he starts talking, lift one headphone, shake your head and say 'Not now.' Don't say sorry. Don't smile politely. Don't listen. Headphones back on, go back to your work. Repeat as often as you need. 'Not now.' 'No time.'

Note down every interaction. Save it in case his behaviour escalates.

Talk to the people across the street. Talk to your other neighbours. No one wants to be bothered all the time but they won't mind occasionally chatting. Tell them he's scaring you. They may know something.

This is good advice

[OwwwMuuuum]

Just say “I’m a bit busy, no time to chat.”

He might think you’re unneighbourly and a bit rude (which you probably are) but you’re a big girl, you can deal with that.

[c3pu]

Call him out on it.

"You again! Do you come out here every time you hear my door open or something?"

You can say it in a half jokey tone perhaps, but I'd say nothing more and give a cold hard stare while he's on the spot. Should give him the message loud and clear that you're onto him.

[wildthingsinthenight]

@Minikievs
The OP is sufficiently upset to have had the thought of moving house so it is not an overreaction to her?

[Bunnyfuller]

Sounds like a normal, if lonely, neighbour. What a miserable place to live if none of you pass the time of day. Wait for him to be in, run round with the parcel, knock on the door and run back in your own house. Him thanking you for being a nice neighbour might make you feel threatened (Have we as a society got to the point where if someone is just friendly, it is seen as threatening?)

[Deemarie11]

Just to get all the information in. He is not nice either. The other reason I'm a bit afraid of him is that I wasn't friendly to him once in the past, and he punished me by playing loud music for weeks.

He plays in a band. And he has a rehearsal studio in his house. He doesn't usually use it.

One time in the past he came over to talk to me and I was busy/not that friendly to them , he then proceeded to play extremely loud music in his rehearsal studio all evening for the next two weeks. And I am talking like living next to a nightclub.
He has all the professional equipment. He was singing for six hours into a microphone in the evening and it was booming out of massive speakers. He did that for two weeks after I wasn't friendly to him once, to get back at me.

So when he comes over now even though I don't like him at all, I try to be slightly polite as i am worried that he will get worse if I'm not.

That is why when he asked me to take the parcel in for him, I said yes out of nervousness because I was afraid of what he would do if I said no. Would be play blasting loud music for weeks again. And when I say loud it is horrendous.

Yeah it is not a good situation. I need to get out of here next year.

[Pompomsfantastix]

Female NDN used to do this in our old house (esp to my husband!). She was just lonely.

[category12]

I'd listen to your gut about him and avoid. Too many times women are told to ignore their instincts, to be polite etc, when actually they're picking up on body language and micro-signals.

Have some stock phrases to shut him down.
"Bit busy, must get on"
"No time to chat"
"Just having some quiet time on my own, bye"

Give yourself time to respond if he asks you to take in parcels etc, don't be railroaded into doing things for him. It's OK to say no. Or "I'll think about it". Have his parcel by the door this evening and pass it out on the doorstep, don't let him in, say you've got someone waiting on the phone, so byyye, shut door.

Next time, say "oh sorry, don't think I can, I have some plans" or just "I don't feel comfortable taking in other people's parcels, so that was a one-off, please ask someone else."

[emmathedilemma]

Giving him the benefit of the doubt but he's possibly lonely and it's possible that he was friendly and chatty with the previous occupant of your house and therefore used to talking to the person next door.

[category12]

On the further info, I'd be putting in a ring (other brands available) doorbell, tbh.

[Kiplingroad]

Have we as a society got to the point where if someone is just friendly, it is seen as threatening?

Well, she doesn't know if he's a threat or not, does she? Lots of dangerous men start off friendly. How does she know if he's harmless or a serial killer? The point is, he's pestering her in her own garden when she wants to get things done.

Honestly, what a silly minimising comment.

[Pompomsfantastix]

Can you just put earphones in and listen to a podcast/music/audiobook/make a phone call or whatever and then when he talks you can look slightly put out, remove one, respond succinctly and then return it to your ear (or even just smile and point to your earphones)? Surely he would get the message after a few of those?

[silverbubbles]

this evening you need to stick a note on the front of the door saying.

parcel has not been delivered - I will advise you when it has.

Then do not open the door if he knocks.

Obvs. is you have the parcel you need to knock and leave it on his porch. Do not accept his parcels again.

[WhenDovesFly]

If a parcel arrives then have it as near to your front door as possible for when he arrives. When you answer the door, be wearing an apron if you have one, and have a tea towel and/or a dirty spoon in your hand. Have the props near the door if necessary. Grab the parcel, hand it over (don't smile or be too friendly) and say "got to go, I'm cooking dinner" and close the door. That's assertive without being rude, and isn't encouraging in any way. I've been known to answer the door while calling out inside "can you just take the pan off the heat for me please darling" to an imaginary person, just so the caller thinks I have company.

If he asks in future if you'll take a parcel then it's ok to say you can't be sure you'll be in, so might be better if he asks another neighbour. If a courier turns up with something for him that you're not expecting, then don't feel bad about saying to them that you're unable to accept parcels for neighbours.

[KettrickenSmiled]

@TootsAtOwls

Is there a time you know he goes out, and you could do your gardening stuff then?

Sorry that's not very helpful, but if i I were you I'd minimise the contact.

WTF?

OP has to change her schedule, & hide herself away?

[oobeedoobee]

I agree that it's often unnerving for you to be approached every time you step into the front garden by this intimidating guy, however he's not a mind reader, so it's up to you to make it clear that you don't like it ?

As PP's have suggested, take the initiative and drop his parcel round before he gets a chance to knock on your door for it.

Have some responses ready for when he talks to you again e.g

I don't have time to chat as I'm on a time crunch...
I can't accept your parcel as I'm going out myself...

Then deliberately turn your back to him and carry on. If he persists, then you're going to have to be blunt. ''Look neighbour, I don't want to chat, I like solitude while I'm gardening.''


etc etc

If all else fails, then I'd simply make my front garden minimal maintenance and always ensure I had company while doing it ? e.g a friend/boyfriend/parent with me so I wasn't 'alone' for him to chat to.