What to do with male neighbour

[Deemarie11]

I'm 30 l live alone in a small terraced house. I've been living here for one year. Next door to me lives a man in his late 50s. We have nothing in common. We would say hello the odd time but thats it. The houses don't open right onto the street. We have a very small front garden, walls and gate each.

My front garden is very small, it's not something you would sit in. So I am only ever in it to mow my small lawn, paint the small walls etc.

Any time that I am EVER in my front garden, my male neighbour will come over right to my walk, to talk to me.

Last time I was mowing my lawn, he came out of his house, came over to my walk and started talking to me about something.

Today, I was painting my small wall in my front garden. He came over right to my walk and said "hey! I'm expecting a package. Will you take it in. They said they'd leave it with a neighbour".

I didn't want to but I said yes even though I didnt want to, as I was nervous and trying to get him to go away. He will probably be over to me later looking for it, which causes more stress for me.

I'm starting to be nervous every time I go out in my front garden, I kind of dash in and out as I know he will be straight over. He is creeping me out. I literally cannot go in my garden and do one simple thing without him coming straight over. It's giving me anxiety. If I saw my female neighbour across the road doing gardening, I wouldn't go straight over , lean over her wall and start talking to her. I know I would be intruding on her privacy. He does it every single time. It's really giving me anxiety. I don't know what to do.

[PizzaPastaWine]

Bit more information there OP.

Call the council regarding the noise. Does he own the house? If not, make his landlord aware.

If you don't want to do that then move.

[Deemarie11]

@Kiplingroad

Have we as a society got to the point where if someone is just friendly, it is seen as threatening?

Well, she doesn't know if he's a threat or not, does she? Lots of dangerous men start off friendly. How does she know if he's harmless or a serial killer? The point is, he's pestering her in her own garden when she wants to get things done.

Honestly, what a silly minimising comment.

And I'll never presume why people think that all neighbours are nice because they are neighbours. They are random people that live on a street with you. Some are good people, some are not.

I would never ever choose to talk to this man in any scenario if he wasnt my neighbour. We have nothing in common. I dont like him

As I said, when he thought that I wasnt friendly enough in the past to him one time, he "punished" me by playing loud music all evening for the next two weeks. He is awful.

[KettrickenSmiled]

@Deemarie11

I own it.

Brilliant.
And after the expense & hassle of moving - what will you do when, by unhappy coincidence, you get ANOTHER intrusive neighbour?

[wildthingsinthenight]

Some of the replies on here astound me!

OP is scared of this man, uneasy around him and it prevents her doing things on her own property. Yet people are saying she is unneighbourly and unfriendly and the poor guy is lonely?!
Presumably these are women posting there things? Unbelievable.

OP this sounds horrible and I would feel the same. You have had some good advice on here but I appreciate it is not easy to be confrontational ior rude when you are wary of his reaction.

[ToFindNewWays]

“Nothing personal but when I’m in my garden I want quiet time to myself. Have a good day!”

[Alwaystheplusone]

There is a vile couple near me who will cross the road to try make small talk. I now always go out wearing air pods and whenever one of them approaches, I point to my ears and mouth that I’m on a call. Does the trick every single time.

[Deemarie11]

@KettrickenSmiled

Brilliant.
And after the expense & hassle of moving - what will you do when, by unhappy coincidence, you get ANOTHER intrusive neighbour?

Yeah I know! It's so hard to know what the neighbours will be like. Maybe I need to try to get a flat next time. I just visited my friend who lives in a flat. She lives in a small gated building , with two other flats, she never really sees them, only to nod and say hello. The privacy!

I don't think I will ever buy somewhere with a front garden again! Though I would like it if it wasn't for him

[oobeedoobee]

If he does blast loud music as 'revenge', then simply report it to the council, as it's against the law to have anything over a certain decibel and outside certain hours ? Look for noise pollution in your local councils website ?

[saltofcelery]

Have you read The Gift of Fear? The book explains everything you've been feeling - your intuition. If something feels "off" it usually is. You will be able to dissect each interaction you've had with him and pick apart things that have added up in your head to create your dislike of him. It is not irrational.

Posters putting down the OP should stop.

[category12]

@oobeedoobee

If he does blast loud music as 'revenge', then simply report it to the council, as it's against the law to have anything over a certain decibel and outside certain hours ? Look for noise pollution in your local councils website ?

If OP is thinking about selling up, she probably doesn't want a neighbourhood dispute on record.

[waterrat]

This is a time to be assertive - or what he might think is rude - say clearly - please can you not speak to me when im in my garden. He will leave you alone after that hopefully.

Please trust your instinct OP and ignore those telling you that you are unfriendly.

Read the book by Gavin Becker (I think) - the Gift of Fear =-

It explains how we are socialised to ignore instincts that are clearly there to protect us.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

About the parcel collection - answer the door with the phone in your hand and quickly pass it over with a "Can't stop"

On the rest it's hard to say without being there, but you feel the way you do and that's perfectly valid. I wouldn't move from a home you otherwise love though, and luckily there are lots of suggestions for dealing with this upthread

[IcakethereforeIam]

OP be rude-ish. It does get easier with practice. You can just say 'i don't wish to be rude, but i don't want to chat'. Or headphones are a good prop, tell him you're learning French and need to listen 'Mon voisin est un grand dick'.

It doesn't matter what his reasons for bothering you are, if you don't like it you don't have to indulge it. If it makes you a miserable killjoy (which I don't think you are) that's your entitlement. There's no law that you have to be friendly.

Young me would have felt exactly like you. Older me might still do, but she'll be better, not perfect, at maintaining boundaries. But some blokes have such thick skin. Good luck.

[category12]

OP, is it possible to put a higher fence up? Or spiky bushes 😂

I do think a doorbell camera might be helpful to have.

[HarvestThyme]

@KettrickenSmiled

Brilliant.
And after the expense & hassle of moving - what will you do when, by unhappy coincidence, you get ANOTHER intrusive neighbour?

Ignore this pessimism. ^^

Move. It's crap, it's unfair, it's expensive. But worth it. He sounds like a nightmare. Do not complain to police or neighbours as you will need to include the information in pre-sale.

Just put it on the market and get out.

DO check to see if there were any complaints filed in the past. You could be owed by the previous owners if there was a recorded, known issue which was not declared.

[ifIwerenotanandroid]

Is the band his job? Is the rehearsal studio allowed in a residential area? (Someone near me made another neighbour move because they didn't like his work truck being parked here & reported it -- pity because he was a good neighbour.) As someone else said, the music may contravene local/national regulations on noise. You might check this out with the council (though austerity cuts have limited their actions, in my area at least).

You could also ring the non-emergency police number & just chat to someone for advice, about the noise & the guy's intrusiveness. They can be very approachable & helpful (not sure of they're police or civilians), & they'll log your complaint without any further action, if you want them to.

[Emotionalsupportviper]

@saltofcelery

Have you read The Gift of Fear? The book explains everything you've been feeling - your intuition. If something feels "off" it usually is. You will be able to dissect each interaction you've had with him and pick apart things that have added up in your head to create your dislike of him. It is not irrational.

Posters putting down the OP should stop.

Is that the Malcolm Gladwell book? If so, I've read it and it is excellent.

If your gut is warning you about a situation or person, then no matter how irrational it may seem, listen to it. This is your lizard brain helping you to survive.

OP- I have no doubt that this man knows you are uncomfortable with him and is getting a nasty little thrill from it. I wish I could suggest how to magian it without you getting punished with loud music etc, but I can't, but I think it might be worth trying a couple of the headphones tricks, and if he asks you to take a parcel in again just tell him you may not be in yourself so can't promise. And if it comes, direct the delivery driver to another neighbour.

[Deemarie11]

@ifIwerenotanandroid

Is the band his job? Is the rehearsal studio allowed in a residential area? (Someone near me made another neighbour move because they didn't like his work truck being parked here & reported it -- pity because he was a good neighbour.) As someone else said, the music may contravene local/national regulations on noise. You might check this out with the council (though austerity cuts have limited their actions, in my area at least).

You could also ring the non-emergency police number & just chat to someone for advice, about the noise & the guy's intrusiveness. They can be very approachable & helpful (not sure of they're police or civilians), & they'll log your complaint without any further action, if you want them to.

No as far as I can tell, the band is his hobby.

He plays the odd time in bars/pubs for fun, but he doesn't play in bars every week.

[KettrickenSmiled]

Across the road from me are four terraced houses. They are as far as I can tell single women and married couples. If I am in my garden, the women across the road are often out in their gardens, we never come near each other.

To the other side of me is a married couple. The same thing with them. If either of us are in our front gardens we never go near each other. Maybe a nod and quick hello.

However he is totally overbearing. He will come over lean over my wall every single time, make me stop what I'm doing, talk at me. He is creeping me out a lot. Every time I have to talk to him I feel uncomfortable

He's a pain in the arse OP, & out of order, but unless you change how you are handling it, you are going to keep getting the same result - more intrusion.

Next time he imposes on you in your front garden, be polite, answer his greeting, but make it clear that you are not interested in conversation.
"Hi, fine thanks, hope you are too. I'm going to crack on with the garden/painting/whatever now, so I'll see you later."
Turn your back, & crack on with whatever you're doing.
He will probably ignore your clear directive, or pushback in some way -
"As I said, I'm not up for chatting now as I'm doing XYZ - see you later."
If he STILL doesn't go - you have to choose whether you are able to bite the bullet, or prefer putting up with this man's overbearing rudeness forever -
"Are you still here? I said SEE YOU LATER. I'm not in the mood to chat, bye."

You say he will punish you by playing loud music.
That's not a given, as you also say he's a musician - that fortnight of loud music could have been coincidence. He might have been rehearing for a recording or new gig.
But say it's true, & he does?
Then you have a new problem to deal with, & you take it to the council. Gigging musicians know about soundproofing, so you'd tell the council that you believe he is deliberately causing noise disturbance as a response to you rejecting his wish to impose himself on you, & ask them to investigate why he is not soundproofing, or at least adjusting his volume to acceptable levels.

You can't spend your life avoiding confrontation in case somebody decides to escalate.

[saltofcelery]

@Emotionalsupportviper no but it definitely sounds similar so I'll have a look at that one! The one I mentioned is by Gavin de Becker, I think all women should read it.

I absolutely hate it that some posters are telling the OP she's not being neighbourly and is unfriendly. Completely wrong!

[KettrickenSmiled]

@HarvestThyme

Ignore this pessimism. ^^

Move. It's crap, it's unfair, it's expensive. But worth it. He sounds like a nightmare. Do not complain to police or neighbours as you will need to include the information in pre-sale.

Just put it on the market and get out.

DO check to see if there were any complaints filed in the past. You could be owed by the previous owners if there was a recorded, known issue which was not declared.

How is it pessimism?
People everywhere suffer from annoying neighbours.
You are just as likely to find an annoying neighbour next to your new house as you are in your current one.

Developing the skills to deal with the annoyance is a far better bet than running from the frying pan only to - potentially - jump into the fire.

[IcakethereforeIam]

Sorry OP, I didn't see your post about the music!

Some Council's have an out of hours service for loud music. I think a lot have been cut because of austerity, but it is worth seeking the Council's advice, even if you decide not to proceed with a complaint at this time. Similarly the Neighbourhood Policing Team, just get their advice on how they can or can't help.

Why are some men such entitled arseholes?

[airey]

@HarvestThyme

Ignore this pessimism. ^^

Move. It's crap, it's unfair, it's expensive. But worth it. He sounds like a nightmare. Do not complain to police or neighbours as you will need to include the information in pre-sale.

Just put it on the market and get out.

DO check to see if there were any complaints filed in the past. You could be owed by the previous owners if there was a recorded, known issue which was not declared.

Agree. Agree. Agree

You've been really unlucky with this neighbour, he sounds awful.

It's highly unlikely you'll move somewhere with this kind of situation again, and because of your experiences, you'll do a bit more research on the neighbours when you're house hunting.. for example, you or a friend knock on the neighbours' doors and ask what the area is like, see what they say and generally get a vibe for them.

This could be the exciting change you need, yes it can be stressful and expensive but also fun and full of possibility. Leave this loser behind and break free :)

[Emotionalsupportviper]

@saltofcelery

@Emotionalsupportviper no but it definitely sounds similar so I'll have a look at that one! The one I mentioned is by Gavin de Becker, I think all women should read it.

I absolutely hate it that some posters are telling the OP she's not being neighbourly and is unfriendly. Completely wrong!

thank you - I may have mixed up authors/titles, but i'm sure Gladwell has written something similar.

I'll certainly have look at the de becker one - thanks1

[Opaljewel]

Maybe tell him he's making you uncomfortable with him rushing over everytime and you'd prefer it if he stopped as you want some space in your own garden.