What to do with male neighbour

[Deemarie11]

I'm 30 l live alone in a small terraced house. I've been living here for one year. Next door to me lives a man in his late 50s. We have nothing in common. We would say hello the odd time but thats it. The houses don't open right onto the street. We have a very small front garden, walls and gate each.

My front garden is very small, it's not something you would sit in. So I am only ever in it to mow my small lawn, paint the small walls etc.

Any time that I am EVER in my front garden, my male neighbour will come over right to my walk, to talk to me.

Last time I was mowing my lawn, he came out of his house, came over to my walk and started talking to me about something.

Today, I was painting my small wall in my front garden. He came over right to my walk and said "hey! I'm expecting a package. Will you take it in. They said they'd leave it with a neighbour".

I didn't want to but I said yes even though I didnt want to, as I was nervous and trying to get him to go away. He will probably be over to me later looking for it, which causes more stress for me.

I'm starting to be nervous every time I go out in my front garden, I kind of dash in and out as I know he will be straight over. He is creeping me out. I literally cannot go in my garden and do one simple thing without him coming straight over. It's giving me anxiety. If I saw my female neighbour across the road doing gardening, I wouldn't go straight over , lean over her wall and start talking to her. I know I would be intruding on her privacy. He does it every single time. It's really giving me anxiety. I don't know what to do.

Just take control. Be as direct as you need to be and tell him not to come onto your property again. You shouldn’t have to do that with a normal person but this one is making your life a misery.

You should not feel intimidated when in your garden or going in or out. It’s ridiculous. He’s exerting control. Tell him straight.

If you do take his parcel in, keep an eye out for him arriving home and dash around to his with it so he's not coming to your house. Then put a note on your door for delivery drivers, stating you don't take in parcels for neighbours.

Lots of men are like this. They feel entitled to female attention. It happens when I'm walking my dog on the common. Quite regularly male dog walkers will take a route that deliberately crosses mine, when there's loads of space and when I'm deliberately changing direction to avoid them. Then they expect a chat. I've observed this for decades. They don't do this to other men. But you'll be told to be kind. Many women believe that women should be support humans for entitled men.

All my neighbours chat, lovely people but I usually just say 'well, better get on..' & I go indoors for a few mins.. I don't have a problem with them, I just don't get how people have time to stand & chat!
I think if they freaked me out, I'd go indoors as soon as I saw them coming. That's enough to give anyone a hint, surely?

The OP is saying this man makes her feel uncomfortable. It’s not just something anyone should have to tolerate!! Why are people trying to makes excuses for him?

Be rude to him, OP. Some weirdos rely on women being too polite.

People would really consider living because a neighbour has chatted a few times?!
Just be brief and polite and don't engage in a huge conversation.
I love chatting with my neighbours, but appreciate it isn't the sane for everyone.
On the basis of the OP though I'm not sure it warrants moving house

Pepper spray. I'm only half joking.

Please don't let him see you in any way flustered/rushing to avoid him. He may get a kick from this. A nice leisurely pace back into your house, totally unaffected by him should do it.

Be blunt

Ive noticed that every single time I come into my garden you come out to talk to me, are you lonely?

If he says I'm just being friendly

reply - you need to find clubs where you will find friends that have similar interests to you.

if he mutters anything else (by this time you've called him out)

If you don't want advice don't come and stand in your front garden each time I come out then

But they haven't "chatted a few times"?
OP says that every single time she is in her garden he immediately comes out and makes a beeline for her.
That's not just neighbourly chatting

That’s fine for you. The OP doesn’t find it fine. Nor would I. For one thing many people prefer privacy instead of engaging in meaningless chitchat.

This isn't normal behaviour and he needs to be told.

I have found it useful to speak in firm loud gruff tones.
Don’t worry about being polite, you have the right to enjoy your garden without being pestered. Give yourself permission to be rude, you need to stop his own rudeness.
Breathe deeply
Muster your courage
Imagine you are going out into the battlefield
Stand up tall
Have a confident stride
Use a gruff lower tone (more authoritative)
Speak loudly
Think yourself predator not prey
Take your pick of whichever phrases you want, or use your own, just make sure it is decisive and clear you want no further contact
”You must excuse me, I am constantly busy and never have time to chat/take parcels.”
”Please do not interrupt me in my garden”
”I have a lot on, I prefer to keep to myself”

Again, d not worry about what he thinks of you, what is more important is that you disabuse him of the idea that you are an easy target, this will command respect. Take charge of the situation! You have every right.

Exactly.

Yes agree with previous poster about a ring door bell or security camera. He’s forcing interactions and not reading the room. If he is an utter creep then it will provide you with enough evidence. I’ve had neighbours who would watch for me going out or coming back and come out as well and over time it becomes intimidating and controlling.

@Cam22 I understand that. I like meaningless chit chat, others don't.

My point was that it seems a bit of an overreaction for pp to say they'd consider moving. Just say "I haven't got time to chat" if you don't want to. I really don't see why selling your property is the only option!
OP hasn't told him that she can't chat and has said that she'll take his parcel in for him. How is he supposed to know she's uncomfortable with it, if he's not been told?

Stop trying to gaslight the OP she knows how she feels. He's making her uncomfortable.

Has anyone read Milkman?

Don't answer the door to him tonight. Don't worry if he knows you are in. Leave parcel outside his door with a note saying you can't accept any more.

Don't be polite. Next time he comes over: 'sorry to be rude but I just want to get on with mowing the lawn/painting in peace.' If he doesn't stop go inside. Don't worry about being rude to him he's using it against you, you are allowed to be rude.

Enforce your boundaries and be explicit if you have to.' That's enough now, I'd like to be left alone'.

If the OP says she feels like moving, then that is how she feels. We are not in a position to judge. I can understand how she feels.

I think you need to get a bit angrier about this intrusion on your daily life, and then channel that into your next interaction with him.

Right now he's being controlling and overbearing but if you bite back a bit he will probably get a sulk on and then you'll have some peace.

Headphones is a good idea, maybe with a hat so he can't catch your eye. And if he does finally manage to get your attention, be rather short and rude with him, give him a cold stare, flat expression like you're barely containing your irritation. He won't like it, but what can he do about it?

I don’t like interacting with my neighbours either.

You need to be very blunt/borderline rude. If he comes over say hello and then ‘I’m really not able to talk right now’ and then just turn away and ignore. If your doorbell rings, ignore. Next time you see him ignore him. Every time he comes over just look at him blankly and say ‘I’m really busy’ and turn away.

I had to do this with a neighbour, they don’t bother me anymore. And get a ring doorbell if you like but otherwise unless you are not expecting anyone just ignore, I do!

Just stop what you're doing every time and go inside your house. Say "excuse me" first if you're too scared to just walk off. If he doesn't take the hint you will have to be blunt and tell him "I'm not interested" or "can you go and talk to someone else please?" and ride out the discomfort when he falls back on "I was only being friendly...".
It's not normal to feel this level of fear about a situation like this though that you're too afraid to say no about taking in a parcel. Time to be an adult and advocate for yourself.

Eurgh I have a a neighbour a bit like this. I thought he was just being friendly until I noticed that if I was on my own he’d try to engage me in conversation but if DH was with me he would just nod or half wave. Luckily he is a few doors away on the other side of the street so I just walk at a brisk pace, say ‘morning’ from a distance but don’t slow down or engage any further. He seems to be getting the hint.

Let's explore the most likely reasons he wants to talk to you:
1. He is being a friendly neighbour.
He might think that he is helping by being a friendly voice especially given that you live on your own.
My wife is like this she knows everyone down the street and is astounded when I don't know half of them. She makes extra effort with the people that live on their own (usually by offering my services - cutting their lawn etc etc).
2. He fanices you.
He may be flirting because you are undoubtedly attractive to him given the age difference.
A lot of older men do this and wouldn't see it as harmful as they know they've no chance and often don't consider it as flirting. Just a conversation with them gives them a little boost. Again there are a few of the old boy neighbours that mildly flirt with my wife. Whilst certain women can fend this off there are a lot that will feel uncomfortable with this behaviour.
3. He is lonely and wants to make a friend.
I assume that he is living alone and if he is in his late 50's then he is most likely going to be feeling lonely. In this case, both reasons above could also be possible.

All options sound as though they could be as plausible as each other. All neighbours are different. We take parcels in for several houses, especially as we both WFH. We like chatting with the neighbours but, understand that some chat more than others.

The lady across the road will purposely take her dog for a walk as soon as I take mine, I believe it's because she feels safer. There are of course boundaries, if he is made aware of the boundaries and doesn't stop that's when I would say there is a problem in this scenario. I suspect you feel that he fancies you and is a threat, this is why it is important the signals you give him are clear.

Oh so dramatic ! Just ignore him then, just sounds neighbourly and obviously your not !

Freeze him off.

It's really not hard.

I second headphones when in the garden (even if you are not listening to anything - he doesn't know that) and pretend not to hear him and when you do, make out it's interrupting your listening and just be short and polite - "oh, hi, sorry I am listening to a really interesting podcast"

Re the parcel - when he comes for it, when you answer the door, pretend to be on the phone to someone, hand the parcel over, smile and close the door. He should start getting the message.

I have one of these, OP. I started off being friendly before I realised he was a pest. I now just get on with doing exactly what I'm doing while he tries and fails to converse with me. I'm not rude as such - I just say "mmm", and "right" every now and then if I come into his orbit, with the occasional "Sorry, I don't have time to talk", or "I really must get on with what I'm doing". I don't make eye contact. He eventually gets bored and goes to bother someone else.