What to do with male neighbour

[Deemarie11]

I'm 30 l live alone in a small terraced house. I've been living here for one year. Next door to me lives a man in his late 50s. We have nothing in common. We would say hello the odd time but thats it. The houses don't open right onto the street. We have a very small front garden, walls and gate each.

My front garden is very small, it's not something you would sit in. So I am only ever in it to mow my small lawn, paint the small walls etc.

Any time that I am EVER in my front garden, my male neighbour will come over right to my walk, to talk to me.

Last time I was mowing my lawn, he came out of his house, came over to my walk and started talking to me about something.

Today, I was painting my small wall in my front garden. He came over right to my walk and said "hey! I'm expecting a package. Will you take it in. They said they'd leave it with a neighbour".

I didn't want to but I said yes even though I didnt want to, as I was nervous and trying to get him to go away. He will probably be over to me later looking for it, which causes more stress for me.

I'm starting to be nervous every time I go out in my front garden, I kind of dash in and out as I know he will be straight over. He is creeping me out. I literally cannot go in my garden and do one simple thing without him coming straight over. It's giving me anxiety. If I saw my female neighbour across the road doing gardening, I wouldn't go straight over , lean over her wall and start talking to her. I know I would be intruding on her privacy. He does it every single time. It's really giving me anxiety. I don't know what to do.

@peachescariad

YANBU - all this 'be kind' and 'being neighbourly' bollox is a total shit. Ignore it all. He sounds like a total weirdo. He's not lonely and even if he is, who gives a fuck?!

THIS! As a few posters have said on this thread, WHY are women expected to be support vessels, listening ears, and emotional punchbags, for random men who they don't even know?! WHY do they have be their friend, and support them, and generally spend their time being badgered and mithered by these men? And if they don't want to comply (understandably!) they are called 'unkind' and 'unfriendly' yada yada yada! I mean da wimminz MUST #bekind at all costs! Fucking hell!

As I said further back in the thread, MEN do not get the same kind of shit, for refusing to engage with people mithering and pestering them to talk, EVERY TIME they go out of the front door.

In addition, these odd and entitled little men who badger single females when they are out will never - EVER do it to another man. Very often not to married women either. Maybe once or twice, before they realise they are not single maybe... but it will very likely NOT be a targeted and continual torrent of harassment.

As I said earlier in the thread too, I was badgered, hounded, followed home, verbally abused, hit on, asked out (and called a slag/frigid/a cunt etc when I said no) NUMEROUS times when I was single and living alone in my early 20s. NO MAN has targeted me constantly like this, since being with my husband - (over 30 years.)

Single women should not have to be dealing with this fucking shit! And in addition, they should also not be having to deal with people - WOMEN mostly - scolding them for not BEING KIND to the poor lonely iccle menz! Just do one eh?!

@stuntbubbles It’s not the job of women to solve random men’s unhappiness. He has the same access to the internet, hobbies, sport, colleagues, friends, online dating as the rest of us. His problem to solve.

@Deemarie11 It is not our job to ease random men's loneliness. Especially if that man is creepy, nasty, horrible.

You are both right.

@Deemarie11 I would only add: even if that man is not creepy, nasty, or horrible, it is still not your job. YANBU. And if this guy is large and imposing as well, making you feel threatened, you might well find that avoiding any sort of dispute and moving away is your best option. Life is too short to be next to a neighbour you strongly dislike, especially if it is difficult to avoid interacting with them.

OP He makes you uncomfortable and you are clearly worried about the effect of being too polite will be encouraging him and equally worried about his reaction to you rebuffing him.
Why are people saying the man is just lonely and The OP should be more friendly?
He is creeping OP out and she should trust her gut. She has NO obligation to entertain him in anyway. The fact that he went on about being out for the parcel and then returned home 30 mins later is another example. The loud music behaviour after saying she is busy is another issue.

OP I think PPs ideas of fencing with high trellis and tall plants, a ring doorbell, and having an unofficial chat with community police for advice, making sure you have a door chain etc might make you feel a bit more secure.

I also think that getting to know your other neighbours is a very good idea and you should actively pursue it. It will make you feel less isolated and he will know that you have people around you. There is safety in numbers.

You can also tell the delivery person that you are not taking in any parcels for anyone. I've done that before now as I didn't want contact with the old next door neighbour. Then the card through his door would have the details of the person who had taken the parcel in and he'd have no excuse to knock your door. Also ask the other woman in her garden if he used to do the same thing to her and how she dealt with it.
I'm quite blunt and would just tell him I don't want to talk to him or just ignore him. They do try again but if there is no response from you ever, they stop doing it.

I too can’t understand how many people are telling OP that he is just being friendly. He isn’t. He isn’t just bumping into her at the front of the house now and again , he goes out with some pretence EVERY time she is in the garden .
Even if he is a very nice man this would get on my nerves . My next door neighbours are lovely but I don’t go out chatting to them whenever they are doing a bit of gardening . I don’t blame OP for thinking of moving , in fact I think she should .

Me too.

I can't be arsed reading the posts.

Poor OP.

He's a creepy fxxk and if she was my daughter he wouldn't know what hit him because I would be all over the police as he is harassing her as far as I am concerned and I wouldn't be having it.

Not for a minute.

I had and elderly "lovely" neighbour lure me into his apartment when I was in my 20's and we were chatting and my hair suddenly stood on absolute end.

Terrifying, as I didn't understand, but something was screaming at me to get the hell out of there.

I backed my way out and completely avoided him ruthlessly afterwards.

I was sharing the flat two floors above and I moved a couple of months later.

Gavin de Beckers book The Gift of Fear, joined the dots for me.

Its such a cheap book. A great gift for every young man or woman.

Listen and understand your gut.

I firmly believe in following your instincts, this man is giving off vibes you’re picking up on. You do not have to be nice, kind or even polite, given how intrusive he’s being. Ignore those PP saying you’re being dramatic and other such stuff. Instincts, especially in women, are there for good reason.

You’ve had great advice on this thread about speaking up for yourself. Don’t let this bloke intimidate you into moving house and all the hassle that come with it.

Take very good care of yourself.

I don't understand the problem? You're nervous and frightened because a male neighbour asked you to take a parcel in for him? Wtf?!

Ahhh so this veiled fat shaming. Got it.

Ahhh so this veiled fat shaming. Got it
Behave yourself.

That’s a stretch! He would have been “punishing” the whole street! Just wear headphones, say you are busy and crack on.

Actually you're wrong!

When I said large, I meant tall, not fat.

He is very tall.

No one else lives near him, only me.

He is in an end of terrace house. There is a green field to one side of him.

My house is right beside him.

The house on the other side of me is empty. There are no tenants in it. Some one owns in but they are not letting it out for whatever reason.

So if he plays loud music, only I hear it.

I was in a friend's house and she very randomly put a documentary on. It was called "the next door killer".

It was about a man who murdered a young female neighbour in every place that he moved to, before he was caught.

I will never ever understand people who say that we should be friendly to our neighbours, no matter what their personality is like. Rapist's and murderers all live next to someone.

Equally not every single male neighbour is a murderer or rapist...
Did you take the parcel in, or did the issue not arise?
Im also guessing now its almost winter that you won't be in your very little garden so the situation of him coming and engaging in conversation won't arise.
I wonder if something has happened in the past to make you so suspicious of people. I hope your voiced your concerns to your friend and told her that you didn't wish to watch a programme like that bearing in mind how you are feeling.
Look at it this way, all then guy is 'guilty' of is making brief conversation with you on a few occasions when you are outside and he is also very tall....

Yeah I know that not every male neighbour is a rapist or murderer, I'm just challenging what people often say on here which is "that we should be friendly to our neighbours just because they are our neighbours".

When in fact we should take time to see what kind of people they are like. And if they are nasty, pervy, horrible, we absolutely do not have to go anywhere near them.

Its not just that he made brief conversation with me. He comes over every time I'm in my garden doing somethinf. He also lies about things to me.

For example he came over and asked me to take a parcel in for him because he was going out for the day and wouldn't be in his house that day. That was a lie. He drove away. He drove back to his house a half hour later and he was in his house all day. There was no need for me to take a parcel in. Weird!

Anyway I'm hoping to get out of here next year

When you move maybe go and knock on your neighbours doors to assess them and therefore avoid this problem. He asks you to take a parcel and you are agitated, he doesn't need you to take the parcel and he is a liar. Perhaps his plans changed you know? You made a pint of saying how small your front garden is - I can't imagine you spending much time there. However I may be wrong. You are incredibly distrustful. I really sincerely hope you confided in your friend and asked her to immediately turn that shit off. Christ knows how you react to to real problems rather than perceived ones.

What an unnecessarily unpleasant post to a woman who is nervous about her personal safety.

OP, continue to listen to your gut.

@billy1966 It isn't unpleasant.Its factual. If OP has serious concerns about her welfare she should alert another neighbour (I believe there is one opposite if not the the other side) Someone who can keep an eye out for her.
There are always threads on MN about when moving , should people knock on the neighbours door as a pretext to sussing them out - this might be an idea.
Watching a program regards a single woman being murdered by a neighbour just seems a ridiculous plan to me, when OP already feels uptight about that topic.
Re the parcel damned if he does damned if he doesn't.
On the upside now whether has turned OP shouldn't have to see him that much, hence problem reduces.

They aren’t friends! He has no boundaries, why would she want to talk to this stranger every time she leaves her house?!

I can’t believe the amount of people you’ve voted saying you’re BU. Oh my god this woman is not a charity worker. If he’s lonely there might be a reason he’s alone. I had a nightmare neighbour like this who was lonely and also turned out to be a complete thug, got in my face once and started screaming at me, had told my boyfriend once he couldn’t keep a relationship because of his temper. Sometimes people are alone for a reason and even if that’s not the case it’s not the OP’s responsibility to be a support system for this strange man.

*who’ve voted

As I said, when he thought that I wasnt friendly enough in the past to him one time, he "punished" me by playing loud music all evening for the next two weeks. He is awful.

Oh my god do you have my old neighbour OP?! My neighbour- the one I just talked about above - did exactly the same thing! I’m so sorry you have to deal with this weirdo OP. My neighbour became obsessed with whether I “liked” him or not (obviously I didn’t) and would go to my ex boyfriend and idiot ex boyfriend didn’t deny I disliked him which made him so angry and resentful towards me. He was like this weird stalker. He’d constantly try and start arguments with me after that. He was in his mid thirties and I was nineteen. He would also wait all evening for my boyfriend to get home from work and pounce on him the minute he did and make him hang out with him. Some of these people are awful.

@Onesipmore "Christ knows how you react to to real problems rather than perceived ones.".

Nothing factual about this statement at all.

Just unnecessarily unpleasant and belittling to a woman posting about her personal safety.