What to do with male neighbour

[Deemarie11]

I'm 30 l live alone in a small terraced house. I've been living here for one year. Next door to me lives a man in his late 50s. We have nothing in common. We would say hello the odd time but thats it. The houses don't open right onto the street. We have a very small front garden, walls and gate each.

My front garden is very small, it's not something you would sit in. So I am only ever in it to mow my small lawn, paint the small walls etc.

Any time that I am EVER in my front garden, my male neighbour will come over right to my walk, to talk to me.

Last time I was mowing my lawn, he came out of his house, came over to my walk and started talking to me about something.

Today, I was painting my small wall in my front garden. He came over right to my walk and said "hey! I'm expecting a package. Will you take it in. They said they'd leave it with a neighbour".

I didn't want to but I said yes even though I didnt want to, as I was nervous and trying to get him to go away. He will probably be over to me later looking for it, which causes more stress for me.

I'm starting to be nervous every time I go out in my front garden, I kind of dash in and out as I know he will be straight over. He is creeping me out. I literally cannot go in my garden and do one simple thing without him coming straight over. It's giving me anxiety. If I saw my female neighbour across the road doing gardening, I wouldn't go straight over , lean over her wall and start talking to her. I know I would be intruding on her privacy. He does it every single time. It's really giving me anxiety. I don't know what to do.

He's obviously trying to force you to interact with him, and he must be able to tell that you don't want to. By playing loud music, he wanted you to come and knock on his door to complain. Same with the parcel. These are not the actions of a friendly neighbour. I've met this sort of man before. One started trying to talk to me in a supermarket recently. He looked a bit creepy, so I ignored him. Then he said to me "I'm not going to rape you or anything". They think that they're entitled to a woman's attention.

Could you replace your lawn with gravel or paving stones/slabs so that you don't have to go out there as much? If you avoid him for a few weeks, he might get bored. Have you spoken to any of the single women opposite to see if they've had any trouble with him? They might have heard something.

Applause.

Amen.

Amen

@Blueboy1001
And this:
”you are undoubtedly attractive to him given the age difference.”

My husband is 61. He doesn’t find every 30yo woman attractive because they’re 30.
I guess you think if OP’s 18yo cousin came over she’d be game too.

Sort out your fucking attitude.

OP I read your updates 🙁 it does seem like you’ve got a teenager trapped in a middle aged man’s body living next door. Short term, I’d say move house; if you can’t then think about getting cameras, telling him you want to be left alone and then logging/reporting these retaliatory incidents.

I remember a female poster on here saying that every time she went out into her back garden, her much older male neighbour would go out into his back garden and stare at her.

It's really hard because if a woman was walking on a street and the same man kept following her and talking to her every time she went for a walk, she could charge him with harassment.

But we are supposed to talk to our neighbours (even if they are creepy pervy older horrible men) whenever they want, just because they live next to us.

It's a difficult situation .

I would put headphones on and just pat my ear and give a rueful smile EVERY time! Hopefully he will soon get the message that you have no intention of entertaining him.

Jeeze, @Anoooshka !!

PP have mentioned Gavin de Becker.
That is a TEXTBOOK example of de Becker's point on "unsolicited promises" ...
fucking hair-raising.
www.mamamia.com.au/what-women-should-do-in-danger/

This is awful, it may be that he doesn't realise how intrusive he is, or that he is lonely bla bla but I totally understand how it can create stress and anxiety having to speak to neighbours who are overstepping their presence,
Definitely wear the earphones, sunglasses etc, no noise, no eye contact, and ignore ignore ignore.
I actually went so far to get security cameras onto my property. If u really feel he is being intrusive, u have to tell him straight which makes things so difficult but not ur problem, he is just someeone u live near, he is nothing to u.
Maybe get a male friend or brother cousin or that over to been seen with u in the garden, see if he comes out then, and if not start making a diary or notes of when he is pestering you. U will need evidence if u take this further in the future. I really hope tho he is just a lonely guy who doesn't realise how his chats are unwanted, and it's sorts itself out. I remember myself sitting in the street not able to come out my car cos of my
Nosey neighbour, it's a horrible situation

My mum had a worse story than me actually. Recently she has had good experiences with neighbours.

But she told me one time when she was in her twenties, she lived in a semi detached house that had quite a big garden. She as married at the time The gardens had big fences
. She told me that any time she went into her back garden, one of her older male neighbours would get on a step ladder stand at the top of it, and stare at her over the fence.

Presumptive, intimidating horrible man.
I'd begin by taking his packages I and just not answering the door to him when he wants them back so he knows to take them in himself.

Also you could just be damn rude to him? What's he going to do? I mean what if you just said ‘not today Jim' and walked off?
‘Sorry Jim I'm a horrible old woman so don’t bother speaking to me’ as you walk away.

My tip here is when you go out into the garden set a timer alarm on your phone to say 2 or 3 mins. When he comes over for a chat be civil but as soon as the timer goes off use that as an excuse to end the conversation. Sorry, better go now and walk off.

Go back inside for a minute, then repeat. You will have him trained in no time.

Something about an alarm or timer that brings things to a close.

Headphones and a baseball cap. Unable to hear him; unable to make eye contact. You don't have to have anything playing on your headphones, so you are aware of your surroundings, but he wont know that.

I initially read this as headphones & a baseball bat which ... seems apt. 😀

I am starting to suspect these things only happen to British people. Sorry, can´t chit chat gotta get on with work/mowing the lawn/spring cleaning whatever, turn your back on him and ignore.

Do yourself a favour and take the parcel to him. don’t let him come over as he’d probably hope for an invite in and it’ll get awkward. Then in future just pop your headphones in an if he interrupts you pretend your on a call on Bluetooth having a conversation, point to the headphone and wave him off!

it’s bloody irritating, but you shouldn’t feel frightened of him.

He sounds awful. Carry on with what you are doing in the garden when he comes over and starts talking. Grunt in reply and don't make eye contact. Why should you be stopped from enjoying your own property. As mentioned upthread speak to your female neighbours who live alone and see if they have had problems, know why your predecessor moved. Were they a female living alone too? If I knew a neighbour was having a similar problem I would offer them my mobile number and say to ring me if they were worried. Bit of female solidarity never goes amiss

@category12

Good point, I hadn't thought about that.

Good advice. Make it mildly jokey and it should be enough.

Some people seem to think that just because you live next door you HAVE to socialise with them. They seem to think they bought the house AND the neighbours. You aren’t obliged to interact with him. It isn’t your duty.

Just dont take the parcel, dont answer the door, not your problem.
Stop talking to him, if he comes over, suddenly remember you left something in the house you need to do, record every interaction in a notebook, in case you need it at a later date, council/noise control/harassment evidence etc.

if he comes round looking for his parcel tonight keep it very brief and say you are on the phone and must go. Don't have the phone in your hand just hand the parcel over or say 'it didn't arrive' and then 'I must go im on the phone and theyre waiting'

I know its not ideal and won't solve the problem, but will give you a polite way to send him on his way.

Ignore. You're not obliged to talk to him

Agree completely. Tbh, if I were the OP, I’d move. This behaviour is tantamount to stalking and it won’t stop.

That people here are pretty much excusing it is disappointing.