To think friend is being mean?

[PhuketReject]

There’s a band I love - friend and her boyfriend love them too. They are American and not toured in the UK for years.

I asked friend if she wanted to go and she said she’s already going with boyfriend. Which is fine, I’m just not sure why we couldn’t all go together. I don’t think her boyfriend has an issue with me.

I don’t have anyone else to go with who will pay that much to see a band they’ve likely never heard of.

Oh God I am not very bright am I? I'm glad you posted this and let me know as I didn't think of that at all so I guess I am most definetly making assumptions myself and need to eat some humble pie. Thankyou xxx 😊

I don’t think she is being mean. If I was going to a concert with my husband it would be something I would really be looking forward to doing with him. A friend changes the dynamic. It’s just one of those things.
you don’t deserve some of the comments on here but neither does your friend

Oh and I was definetly way too invested. It was absolutely my diverting from my own problems and over analysing and reading too much into other people's! I think I forgot that this takes away from the point of the thread and for that I am sorry to the op and everyone else posting xxx

Yep

Of course ,we can be friends! I go to concerts all the time (mainly metal).

I hate the mumsnet ethos that only the nuclear family matter .Stuff parents,friends,wider family .Only partner and kids matter.

My life isn't like that aslong as I invest my time in you and it's reciprocated;I'll lay my life down for you.Whether you are my husband,parents,family or friend.They are all important to me and key to my happiness,I need them all in my life.Without anyone of them I wouldn't be happy.

if it’s blink 182 you can come with me and my mates (Manchester Sunday show)

You’ve been nothing but lovely and thank you for sticking up for me.

I think it’s possible she just didn’t think to invite you too, which is thoughtless but not deliberately mean.

I agree with whoever it was who said get yourself a ticket and message her to say that you’ve got a ticket too and do they fancy meeting up before or in the venue. If they say no, then that is a bit mean of her, but at least you’ll still be able to go to the gig yourself. I’ve been to quite a few gigs on my own and always had a good time.

How awkward would it be if she said no and then we end up next to each other at the gig 😅 as it’s an all standing venue

Well don’t go then? I feel people are giving you suggestions and you are shooting down everyone.

Shes your friend, either ask if you can go with them or don’t and don’t go.

It’s really that simple.

DH and I bought tickets for a gig in December planning for it to be a 'date' (dinner beforehand, drinks after).

A friend was in the same situation as OP and simply asked 'I'd like to go but I don't know if anyone else is. Would you guys mind if I tag on with you; or is it a date thing?'.

Of course we said she could join us, the 'date' bit wasn't important. And as it happens now there's 4 of us going anyway after another friend caught wind of it and tagged on

I'd consider just going on your own OP. I went to a concert a few years back alone, a couple I knew were there and I just found it reassuring that there were familiar faces about, apart from a quick hello I didn't spend any time with them.

YABU. Friend is not mean. Friend is going with her boyfriend to see a band that they like together. It's not for friend to give you company.

I could understand if you and friend always saw this band together then you were ditched, that would be harsh, but still it is up to friend to choose who to go with.

Just a straight answer since you seem to argue with anyone delving deeper.

It would be lovely if friend offered for you to join, but it's not her place to have to do that and if she wants to go alone with her boyfriend, that's completely fair and you are being unreasonable for asking if she is mean for this.

Assuming that you already know and sometimes socialise with her and boyfriend then yes, I think she’s being mean.

Probably not awkward at all. She just wants to do stuff before hand with her BF.

No I don’t think she’s mean . It’s absolutely normal that she wants to go just with her boyfriend, going with other people one or many definitely changes dynamics, she doesn’t want it for whatever reason and it’s fair.

I think it's mean and strange. I can't really imagine doing it - it's a local gig a few months away not a romantic minibreak this weekend.

OP if you can go on your own own then more power to you but I would find that hard. I actually would be self conscious because my friend was there who didn't suggest I joined them. I'd worry I seemed to be tagging on and I'd dread the surprised."oh! You're here? Who are you with?" and them shuffling away. That's just me though.

I liked the suggestion to buy two tickets and get another friend to join.

There was only one time ever when a friend suggested joining DP and I, I made an excuse and refused. It was a different scenario though; 1) she was relentlessly ignoring boundaries with my boyfriend, I even wrote a thread about it here and got an landslide of keep her away 2) it wasn't a gig but an event that required a lot of sharing and talking within a small group and 3) my baby was due the following week and I really wanted to share the experience just with my partner.

I really doubt any of the above apply to your situation so I am perturbed.

I've been to concerts on my own, it was fun. Went to Milton Keynes Arena & was 'adopted' by another group of fans for the night.

Why not go yourself. My niece went to a concert on her own her first week at uni. She ended up chatting to a group of girls, she's now part of their group, they go to loads of gigs and she now shares a flat with one. It was the best decision ever for her

Go for it

I am baffled at the vitriol.. and the reaching, oh the reaching.

I am a bit confused why, when friend said she was already going, you didn't say 'oh great, we can go together, or meet up once there then maybe?' and see what the response was to that.

If she knows you love the band and would always want to see them, and she knows you have an interest in going, I don't understand why she'd react badly to such a suggestion or have an issue saying 'ah we're doing a fancy date night thing before/after, and we might not find you at the venue'.

If shes not inviting you to join them AND not giving you some reason why, I think that is pretty mean.

But the likelyhood of a small venue gig being a big date night is low, unless it lands on some special anniversary I guess, but again, why not tell you that? If that is the case.

As for the '£22 is too much' - no fucking way am I paying £22 to see a band I don't know and like. £8 - £10 maybe!

I would also find it bloody hard to find someone who would want to see the bands I like, asides from the people I already know who like that band, so if they were already going, exclusively, then no, I wouldn't find anyone else.

OP - ask your friend, its a lot less fannying than asking this lot. I do think it seems a bit mean but perhaps theres a misunderstanding going on here.

Whatever the answer - go anyway, even if thats by yourself. I loved gigs by myself, I didn't have to think about anyone else, it was very freeing!

“It's not for friend to give you company.”

Erm…then what are friends for? Weird thing to say.

I’d go to the gig alone. I think she’s being a bit mean, yes. Nothing like friendship ending mean but perhaps slight friendship adjustment mean.
Still go.

Just go by yourself. I've been to concerts alone and usually make great friends standing in the queue. Send her a message saying "I'm going to go, might see you there, if not hope you have fun.".

Maybe I'm mean because I'm seeing a band this month with my husband. Previously I've been to their concerts with friends because my husband wasn't interested, but this time he's coming and I want to enjoy this experience with him. I'll be friendly to my friends if I see them there, of course!! But I'm not going out of my way to arrange to be there WITH them, if that makes sense.

Did you ask if you could all go together? Or did you just expect her to read your mind and offer.

She's not being mean. She already has plans and has told you that.

And tbh I'd feel quite weird going to a gig with my boyfriend and another friend, it would definitely change the dynamic. At a gig a couple will often stand one in front of the other, with arms around the waist, often turning around for a kiss etc. It's nothing steamy and fine to do in a standing crowd with strangers around, but would be weird to do in a group of 3 where the 3rd person expects to be included in conversations/interactions/the general dynamic.

And if you're going to call her 'mean' for not inviting you to join their date (and yes it can be a date even if it's not expensive/far away etc - it's about quality time together), I'd expect you'd also be coming on here calling her 'mean' if she did invite you but then made you feel like a third wheel for acting like she otherwise would with her boyfriend. Maybe she just can't win.

She’s hasn’t said she’s doing anything beforehand at all and I certainly haven’t said that on here. They might well be but it’s strange that you’re stating that as a fact.

My comment was also in response to someone saying she would be mean if I asked to hang out at the gig and she said no. So in that made up situation yes it would be awkward.

I think it's likely a lack of thoughtfulness on your friends part. I guess your options are -

Go on your own, totally valid but may feel weird if you see them?
Ask someone to come along and pay for them

I did this when I went see mcr about 15 years ago. Just me, my sister and about 2 thousand emo teens 😂😂

Friends are not obliged to accompany you just because you want to. They have a right to their own decisions for a night out, too.

There is no obligation, if she wants to go with her boyfriend, that's her choice. It's definitely not for her friend to have to fill the gap.

If you'd read my whole post, I also said of course it would be nice, but the friend isn't mean for not wanting to go together. It's her prerogative.