Children and Christmas

[Gropiuschair]

My younger children of 8 and 5 want to spend Christmas with the in-laws, their half-sister on their dad’s side and their cousins.

This would mean that me and my elder daughter would be alone with my mother.

The reason why we can’t all go is my eldest daughter would have one present and would have to watch her step and half-sisters and their cousins open tons of presents.

I am heartbroken but my husband just thinks it’s inevitable and is amazed it’s the first time it’s come up.

My eldest girl has no relationship with her father or his side.

Just don’t know what to do.

Could you hold back some of her presents or get her a few extras that she can open there?
Why does she only get one and they get "tons"?
Is she old enough to understand why?

How old is she? I would see what she wants to do?

My brother is with his in-laws so I have to be with my mother.

My daughter will be 12 by the time Christmas rolls round.

So then laws buy for all the children but not your eldest DD? What utterly vile people

Surely if you're going for Christmas the in-laws will get your daughter something?

*the in laws that should read

When we used to go there the in- laws bought my daughter a present but their actual grandchildren got sacks with their names embroidered on them.

Well, if you had a time machine, you’d go back and not have 2 further children with a man whose response to this seems to be “suck it up, it’s inevitable” 🙄

What an arsehole.

12 is old enough to understand that she won’t get all of the same people giving her a gift as her younger siblings. So fine, if 5yo gets something from their cousin that isn’t your 12yo’s cousin. But your husband can get onboard with your family present budget being adjusted so that your 12yo gets more presents to open on the day, meaning less is spent on your younger two.

At 12, I think she’s old enough to understand that younger children will receive a lot more stocking tat, and that as the biological grandchildren their grandparents will want to spoil them more. As long as they’re giving her a present or two then they’re including her.

I think that refusing to allow your younger children to spend Christmas with their wider family and trying to “balance” the inequity of presents by spending less on your younger children of asking grandparents to buy them less is what ultimately leads to sibling resentment longer term. That your elder daughter has a deadbeat dad and his family aren’t interested in her isn’t the younger children’s fault and they shouldn’t lose out because of it.

And have you asked your elder daughter? Would she rather be with her siblings and step-relatives for a big jolly Christmas? Spending it alone with you won’t reduce the number of presents her half siblings receive and bring home with them, and she’ll miss out on a proper family Christmas.

This

your husband is a prick

@ComtesseDeSpair “I think that refusing to allow your younger children to spend Christmas with their wider family and trying to “balance” the inequity of presents by spending less on your younger children of asking grandparents to buy them less is what ultimately leads to sibling resentment longer term.”

I totally agree re where Xmas is spent or asking grandparents to change their spending isn’t the answer. But I have to disagree with you about balancing the inequity within the immediate family budget. OP has said her child will get one present. I think that’s definitely a case where you can spend less on and 8 and 5yo, to at least double the 12yo’s haul with a single extra item! Or a more expensive gift. Even with none of this complication, many families spend different amounts according the ages and preference of the kids.

Right so you are talking about presents specifically from her half siblings grandparents?

Originally I thought you meant she would have 1 present in total, assumed because perhaps you were struggling and thought it was harsh your dh was happy to pay for his kids to have loads of presents but not her.

However if its his parents then I can sort of see his point. Even if they were full siblings the oldest often gets less while younger kids get a pile of cheaper stuff. They get her a present, they don't leave her out. Presumably they don't buy sacks of stuff for you or your dh either? Can you explain it to her as she's more like the grown ups than the young kids?

Does your ex pay any maintenance?could you get her some thing special out of that? Can you all go to your mothers christmas day and then dh take the younger kids to his parents on boxing day or something and you take her for a wander round the shops (dont have to buy stuff, maybe treat her to a fancy hot chocolate or something) ? That way they still get to see their family and she has some special time with you.

Why can’t they treat your elder daughter similarly to the others?

She’s 12 so some difference can be put down to different needs at that age, but surely she’ll feel worse not going at all?

I understand your feelings because of your DD's father not being around but YABU. This situation isn't going to go away. She's not stupid, she will see them come home with their presents anyway and feel that disappointment at some point.

She also won't just get one present: she'll get presents from you, your mum, brother etc presumably? Plus the in-laws, and maybe have a word with your husband's sibling about getting her something too?

I think she's old enough to talk it through with. Ask her!

Would she prefer to go, or just have Christmas you, her and your mum? What are the pros and cons? How does she feel about it? What would make her Christmas Day special?

Your job as a parent isn't to make sure your daughter never encounters disappointment or upset. It's to be there for her when it happens and to help her get through it.

Would your daughter not be happy having yours and your mums sole attention? Instead of thinking of what she doesn't have compared to her siblings, make that day just the 3 of you super special. Watch films you can't with the younger ones, play games. My dds love each other but adore having attention just on them too.

I've realised with my dds they don't care about how many presents are under the tree, they love the time spent together.

Sounds like such a difficult situation. I feel for you OP.

I totally understand you don't want your eldest to feel left out. I disagree with PPs saying you should let her spend Christmas with her siblings and their dad.
It won't be a 'proper family Christmas' for her when the step-relatives make it clear she's an outsider.

Could your younger DC split the day between both houses? Therefore everyone gets to see eachother and your younger DC wont feel they've missed out on seeing their dad?

Aside from the presents how is she treated and how does she feel when she's there? How is your DH with her? It's nice for kids to be with other kids but not if they feel like a spare part. What would you and your mum be doing?

It is a shit situation but it is what it is. I don't think they are wrong in that she isn't their gc so why would they be getting her a sack full of gifts?If her dad was involved then I'm absolutely certain you would have no problem with what the IL are doing. And that isn't their fault. Your dh and you should make up the difference in gifts so you could all spend it together.

It's a difficult situation, your in laws are under no obligation to buy equally for your eldest as has been pointed out many times in different contexts here, it's not their fault her biological father and grandparents have no relationship. If you get hold maintenance from her father, it would be reasonable to use that to buy additional gifts "from her fathers family" to compensate.

I have sympathy for your dh, why should he not see his daughter (your step daughter) and your other children enjoy Christmas. Is there a dog you could walk during the present frenzy? At 12 as hard as it is, she can understand

I think it's ultimately up to your older daughter if she wants to join the others.

I wouldn't stop the younger ones from having a lovely big family Christmas for them. The in-laws do buy your older daughter a present so they so include her.
How does she get on with your Ex?
Will she feel included ?

She is old enough to understand that the in-laws are not her biological family so potentially won't all buy her lots of presents. But at aged 12 anyway, they don't get as many presents as they tend to be of a higher value.
If it were me and a 12 year old was coming for Christmas from my nieces family, I would buy her a little something anyway, maybe if you make your plans now with wrought time, your ex can tell his family the eldest is coming and see if maybe they have it within their budget for a little Token present..

My husband is very good to my daughter and in our house she is equal. She has nothing to do with my ex or his family.
Going to my in-laws at Christmas was like going to Harrod’s. The stuff in my younger children and their cousin’s sacks are not tat but any one thing would be another child’s main present.

We used to go to in-laws’ when my own brother was with my mother. Since my middle child was born my eldest would become very upset so we stopped going. On the one occasion my step-daughter came to my mother’s she rang husband’s cousin’s wife to come and collect her to go to in-laws’.

So now we do our own stockings at home and my daughter gets as much as her sisters, then go to my mother’s for lunch. Husband and middle daughter then go to in-laws’ and come back with Hamleys’!!!

My eldest never wants to see in-laws. Why I started the thread ( my first) was not to debate my in-laws and their Christmas shenanigans, it was to say how upset by my younger children wanting matching bloody pyjamas with their cousins while abandoning their sister ( and me) on Christmas Day.

Since when do kids that age decide where they want to spend Christmas?!
You and their dad decide. If they are driving distance then an idea is to do mostly at home and later in the day they could go for a visit and you and your eldest hit the Christmas tv or whatever floats your boat. Either way, the younger ones are going to come back all excited with all their pressies so it will still be obvious to your eldest that they won in the grandparent Christmas pressie lottery!

And I feel your pain. Last year my DSD’s maternal grandma gave her literally three times her main Santa present from my DP. (Think Santa gave one barbie thing and grandma gave three - that kind of directly comparable gift.) It was inescapably uneven and frankly felt distastefully OTT. It’s hard when families have different ways.

I don't think there is anything wrong with what your in-laws do personally. If you think they spoil your younger ones too much then say so BUT I don't think the reason should be because your eldest doesn't get the same. It's not their or your younger children's fault that your eldest's Dad and his family are a POS.

My family buy token gifts for my step children, they don't get anywhere near what my child does and to my knowledge they have never been arsed (the age gap is similar to yours anyway so little one always gets a bigger looking pile because it costs less when in actual fact DSC's have more spent on them by us). I wouldn't be telling my family they can't spoil their grandchild/niece/nephew if they want. I think getting her a present is enough, they aren't her grandparents at the end of the day, it doesn't sound like they are close at all.

That being said, can your husband not just go and see them on boxing Day? I go and see my parents on boxing Day with my child. Christmas day is for our family and the boxing day I take our child to their grandparents so they can get spoiled there and DH stays home with DSC (or comes if they aren't with us that year). No one is bothered.

I appreciate it's hard that your daughter is upset but as PP said, your job isn't to shield her from any and all upset in life. It's to comfort and explain when appropriate. I think she's old enough to understand why her half siblings get more from your husband's family personally. For example my aunts and uncles see our child regularly but they barely know my DSC so they don't get them much, just a token. No one's ever needed to explain this to them, they are aware that they aren't close to these people and don't consider them family whereas my child does.

If they do go though can you not put a more positive spin on it? When was the last time your eldest got your undivided attention on Christmas day! Maybe she'll (and you) will really enjoy the time together without the distraction of your younger children?

The younger ones go and get spoiled by their family and your eldest gets her mum to herself! Can this not be a win win? Rather than seeing it as you being abandoned, make it something special for your daughter, make it seem like you wanted this special time with you and her (and your mum).