Children and Christmas

[Gropiuschair]

My younger children of 8 and 5 want to spend Christmas with the in-laws, their half-sister on their dad’s side and their cousins.

This would mean that me and my elder daughter would be alone with my mother.

The reason why we can’t all go is my eldest daughter would have one present and would have to watch her step and half-sisters and their cousins open tons of presents.

I am heartbroken but my husband just thinks it’s inevitable and is amazed it’s the first time it’s come up.

My eldest girl has no relationship with her father or his side.

Just don’t know what to do.

The options are:

1. one daughter is completely left out, isolated and made to feel separate from her family on Christmas
2. another daughter doesn’t get to see her grandparents be cousins on Christmas Day but spend it with her dad and siblings.
3. the whole family is split in half

There is absolutely no reason another date can’t be accommodated for the grandparents to hold a Christmas for all their biological grandchildren while the OP does something nice with her daughter.
This whole thing is based on spite and greed and it’s disgusting.

You are directing your anger on the wrong place. If course your middle child wants to gp where she gets more presents, she is a child. Blame your arse of a partner who expects a 12 year old to just suck it up. Your kids haven't abandoned you and that's a shitty blame to put upon them. I'd say speak to your partner and his family but you won't.

There is absolutely no reason another date can’t be accommodated for the grandparents to hold a Christmas for all their biological grandchildren while the OP does something nice with her daughter.

How do you know there’s no reason they can’t do another date? The grandparents have other children and grandchildren to accommodate, and those adult children will also have in laws of their own to accommodate too. The OPs dsd also has her own maternal family to spend time with. There could well be many valid reasons why it’s not that easy to do it on another day, but even if they did do it on another day, it’s still not going to solve the issue of OPs dd being given less than the other children.

This whole thing is based on spite and greed and it’s disgusting.

What, so when OPs dsd and younger children want to have the fun family Christmas at their grandparents house, thats all about greed and spite, but when the other child in the story doesn’t want to go to her step grandparents because she gets fewer presents, that’s ok and not based on greed at all?

I get that it will feel unfair to her if she goes but shes not being made to go. She can have Christmas with her mum and gran. Her choice of where to spend the day shouldn’t stop her siblings being able to have Christmas they want. OP and her DH just have to suck up having a split Christmas, because this is the situation that they chose to create for their own benefit.

I think I’ve clearly set out why I disagree with you.
There’s no chance I would be having a Christmas where my children are separated from me and another sibling. I’d make a firm stance that we have it at home. Stepdaughter encouraged to come. Grandparents encouraged to choose another day to have an exclusionary Christmas.
No way would I pander to a family who want to exclude my child.

And that’s why I’d hate someone with your attitude to be step mother to my child. And why many children are much worse off with step parents in their lives than they would have been if their parents had just separated and let them grow up before starting new families.

I give thanks every day that my in-laws treated my 3 eldest children as bonus grandchildren when they were young. It says everything about them you need to know, all they saw was more children to love.

You can't leave this as it is because it's driving a wedge between your children.

I don't know why it is difficult.

Ops in laws should invite OPs mother if they want all their family together, they are adults and must see it would be unfair to leave her on her own so they can have all their GC for the day.

Ops in laws don't just buy one present for the eldest DD. She's been in their lives for 9 years minimum so they need to realise she is part of the family.

Failing that OP, her husband and all her children stay at home with invite to DSD who can spend all or part of the day with them.

No way should it involve a 12 year old sitting looking on while her siblings get loads more than her.

That's lovely and everyone is a winner in your scenario.

Just say no. Surely you and your husband should be starting your own christmas traditions now?

they can go and see them Boxing Day but the cynic in me is saying they just want the presents

Incredible.

Stepmum wants all her children and stepchild to have Christmas together and with their dad and be treated completely equally- evil step mum

Stepchild wants to go to grandparents which will either divide the family or make it do that her stepsister is ignored and sidelined on Christmas- reasonable

this place is wild sometimes

The stop mum in this situation is entirely right to want all the children together in her home, the problem they have is that the three out of four children don’t want to do that!

Its not a case of step mum = evil. It’s that sometimes in families, especially blended ones, children’s genuine needs are in direct conflict with each other. That can’t be washed away and problem solved by having all the children in OPs home because the problem will still exist for the OPs DSD who already has to split her life between her parents.

Being fair to one child is always going to be unfair on the other. There is no getting round that fact. I just have slightly more sympathy for the dsd who misses out on her family rather than the dd who misses out on presents. The parents who created this problem could compensate for those, but dsd can’t get Christmas Day with her grandparents and cousins back.

Spending Christmas with grandparents is a want.

Not being isolated and treated differently form your siblings is a need.

This should have been addressed before you had a second child. I can understand someone holding back on treating a child as a grandchild, but not four years in and a biological grandchild being born. They've been in her life since she was a toddler, it's disgraceful. Another pair of pjs, embroidered sack wouldn't have cost much. The first year that she was excluded, your children shouldn't have gone again. Your DH should have a word to even out the presents, or you should get her extra to open there. If that can't happen, then I'd shorten the visit, so most of the day is spent together then the children go off to the in-laws and you to your Mum's with your DD.

Not being isolated and treated differently form your siblings is a need.

I agree. So why isn’t the answer to just buy more presents instead of stopping three children being where they want to be?

The DSD will be back with her own mum next year and OP can have all her children in her home then.

Because then the parents are buying more presents for one of their children which still leaves a disparity

Yes, there will always be a disparity between children in a set up like this. The DH was right, it is inevitable.