Children and Christmas

[Gropiuschair]

My younger children of 8 and 5 want to spend Christmas with the in-laws, their half-sister on their dad’s side and their cousins.

This would mean that me and my elder daughter would be alone with my mother.

The reason why we can’t all go is my eldest daughter would have one present and would have to watch her step and half-sisters and their cousins open tons of presents.

I am heartbroken but my husband just thinks it’s inevitable and is amazed it’s the first time it’s come up.

My eldest girl has no relationship with her father or his side.

Just don’t know what to do.

That's a really tricky situation. I can see that it would be appealing for your younger kids to be with their cousins. Are you able to talk to all your kids about this? The eight year old is old enough to understand.

What does your older daughter think?

Can you afford to get extra presents for your older daughter?

Is there any possibility of your husband adopting your daughter? Might that make her status in your family change? Sorry, that sounds like an extreme thing to do but I've seen it work.

I guess you will have problems with this forever 🫤. What about inheritances and weddings etc.

How horrible that your in-laws treat your oldest daughter so differently to her siblings. I would never have had Xmas day at their house as an option for any of your children... I’m not sure what you can do if you’ve already given them the choice though.

I think your younger children wanting a day in matching pyjamas with their cousins is not a reflection nor a rejection of you. I bet if you told them it would be Boxing day this year or New Years day they would be as excited. It's just the excitement of it. But it does seem that you loose out.

Now your daughter is 12 - have you asked her what she wants to do? How far is your Mother from your in laws? It's a shame not to spend the day with all your children, especially when they are so young.

Bearing in mind your daughter has no input from her father or his side of the family and given the length of time she has been on your in laws life, I do think they are being a bit mean. Why doesn't she have an embroidered stocking? Have you not asked if they could arrange for your daughter to have one, even if you pay for it. 2 less small presents from each of the younger children would bump her stocking up to 5 and I am sure you could add a couple more to make the number of gifts equal. Stunned that they would get matching pyjamas for all the children but leave out a 12 year old. Give them the money to purchase a pair - they will last throughout the year, so it's not a waste.

Completely agree with this.

Why I started the thread ( my first) was not to debate my in-laws and their Christmas shenanigans, it was to say how upset by my younger children wanting matching bloody pyjamas with their cousins while abandoning their sister ( and me) on Christmas Day.

How can you be upset with your kids, they're 8 and 5. Of course they're going to want to be in a house where they have more siblings/cousins.

It's up to the parents to sort this out. His child should come to you for Christmas every other year, he shouldn't be leaving you and taking dc to his parents for the whole day.

This is the way I'm reading it too.

The children and half siblings should all be together on Christmas day.

I don't see why the Op shouldn't have her 3 kids together long with her stepchild.

OP you sound bitter that your younger children want to go to their dads. Like they should want to sacrifice their fun to make you and their sister feel better. That’s not how children wirk. They’re mercenary little souls. Please don’t make them feel guilty. You and their dad decide where they go and explain to them what wil be happening. Don’t make them feel guilty for not prioritising your feelings

All your children spend Xmas with the parents they live with; their mother and your DH. That decision is made by adults, not the small children.

If there's a raging imbalance of extended family, you ask the extended family members to please to send gifts all the family will use or appreciate ; such as a DVD, a book token, a family game, third world charity water tap/ seed package , whatever.

This is down to ur husband. He shld have had a word about the over the top gifts for the little ones and hardly anything your daughter.

That's so unfair I would never do that to a child. I understand some do it differently but it seems quite extreme in the treatment. No wonder your daughter got upset. I would treat them all the same and spend roughly the same amount on each of them.

Also ur husband should have said to his parents that the kids really want to come but we are having mil over so unless she cld come too we will just be at home this year. I'd be absolutely fuming.

This should have been flagged years ago.

No they don’t need to spend as much but even getting just the matching sack and filling with say arty bits/primark clothes etc should have been the answer.

You don’t like a 12 year old control everyone’s Christmas or events either just because she doesn’t want to see in-laws, because they don’t buy her enough presents.

your younger children are not rejecting you either they want a fun Christmas with their cousins, auntys and uncles and other nanny and grandad. Denying that that just because the in-laws spoil them is harsh too. Will also likely lead them to resent the 12 year old sister as it’s because of her (how they don’t buy for her) that you and her don’t want to go. So they miss out.

I think it’s perfectly fine for dh to have lunch and what not all together and then take his three children to his parents house since that’s what they all want.

**SofaNearYou · Today 12:28

Alexandernevermind · Today 12:23

Sorry @Gropiuschair, I got distracted by the unfairness in the details. Your youngest dc don't get to dictate where they spend the day. Your dh and younger dc stay with you. They can't swan off to his dps and leave the two of you behind like the poor relations. He should be seeing your sd at your home with all of your dc. Of he want to take your youngest two on Boxing Day, thats fine.

But OP isn't spending at with her older daughter at home with the rest of the family, she's spending it with her mum. Why is it ok for her to spend it with her family, but not for him to do the same?**
Normally I would agree about spending time equally with family, but I don't believe ils in this case are being compassionate towards their 12yo sd.

^^ should be sgd, step grand daughter.

I think your in laws are cruel. If you were just dating, then fair enough, but when you married your DH, you and your daughter came as a package deal. She became your DH’s daughter, by marriage if not blood. Especially in light of the fact that she doesn’t have contact with her biological father, so it’s not as though she’s getting extra presents from that side of the family. You’re a family unit and all the children in that unit should be treated equally. It’s clearly not a money thing. All it does is highlight that she’s not considered part of the family. She’s an outsider. What sort of person treats a child like that?

I don’t understand why your DH isn’t talking to his family and telling them that he has three children and if they’re going to single one out, then they shouldn’t be buying presents for any of them and future Christmases will be spent at home.

What will happen if your DD decides to get married and wants walking down the aisle? Will your DH assume that role goes to him as her step father? Will he expect to be called Grandad if she has children? Or will he acknowledge that he hasn’t behaved like a father to her so doesn’t get the good bits?

And who are you to decide how other people spend their money?

They aren't going to their Dad's. They want to leave their Mom and Dad's house to go to Nannas where all the present are! Dad is just the taxi.

But isn’t that part of teaching them to be a decent human being? To consider how their actions make other people feel? Because all they’re learning at the moment is that their big sister doesn’t spend Christmas Day with them because she’s not part of the family.

I don’t understand why your DH isn’t talking to his family and telling them that he has three children and if they’re going to single one out, then they shouldn’t be buying presents for any of them and future Christmases will be spent at home.

Four children, sorry. I forgot the OP’s stepdaughter.

And who are you to decide how other people spend their money?

As a parent you have to make decisions, I certainly wouldn't be sending the message to my young children that it's ok to leave their own mum and sister to bigger off to grannies so that they can be lavished with presents.

It's not what Christmas is about for us so I'm afraid that as a parent when it comes to my own family matters then I would be having something to say.

They are young children. They don’t get a choice in my eyes. I think it is more important showing care and love to their sister than spending it with your in-laws. A good opportunity to explain how your daughter feels to the middle one at least so she can see how unfair their own grandparents are being. I don’t mean to turn them against your in-laws but to show why you are all staying home.

They can visit another time over Christmas. And I wouldn’t feel bad for doing this, I’d be more angry that they wish to leave their own sister out if they protested.

I completely agree, and I'm appalled at how many people here think this obvious and public exclusion of a child, on Christmas Day, is justified by the fact that she's a child by marriage and not blood.

Would your mum be alone if you didn't go?

I think your husband should spend Xmas with you. The kids go where they're told to. You can't dictate how other grown ups spend their money, but you can dictate what happens around your own children.

I understand and presumably the haul at the in laws is influencing their choice, kids can be mercenary. My late MIL was a difficult woman in many ways but there was always a big bag of presents for my older two, from my first marriage, as well as the younger two. If you actually analysed it she did spend more on the younger two but honestly wasn't an issue as they got plenty. I wouldn't be happy at that big a difference in how the children are treated.

Completely agree. Make a child who doesn't have her dad feel even more unwanted for no other reason than because it's 'not their responsibility,' when they could easily get one more of each present for her if she's spending the day with them.

Vile behaviour and the kind of thing that affects people all their life.

I think you are being UR to expect such young children to take the higher ground on this tbh.
Focus on making eldest Christmas special in a different way. Take her out to do grown up shopping or a Christmas concert. Involve her in how you can make it special for both of you and her nan.

I agree you can't dictate but when they ask why the family won't spend Christmas with them OP's husband can explain that the way they leave eldest out is causing issues and they can have a think about it.

The 12 year old must have been very young when she came into their lives so I think it is awful to treat her like Cinderella.