Children and Christmas

[Gropiuschair]

My younger children of 8 and 5 want to spend Christmas with the in-laws, their half-sister on their dad’s side and their cousins.

This would mean that me and my elder daughter would be alone with my mother.

The reason why we can’t all go is my eldest daughter would have one present and would have to watch her step and half-sisters and their cousins open tons of presents.

I am heartbroken but my husband just thinks it’s inevitable and is amazed it’s the first time it’s come up.

My eldest girl has no relationship with her father or his side.

Just don’t know what to do.

How horrid that your husband and other children don't have the empathy to see how shitty this is for their sister. They are putting material things above the good treatment of their sibling. At the same age i would have hated to see a sibling treated differently and could not have enjoyed it as a result. Your husband is a dick for thinking this is okay. However he treats her normally, this is what she will remember. Step families are hard but doung things that mark the children as different like this will drive wedges between them.

Your husband is heartless. What a nasty twat

You can overthink these things. My in-laws buy my DC (who are not their grandchildren) a present at Christmas - normally some chocolate and some money but naturally they spend more on their biological grandchildren and that's okay. My kids have never felt left out because of this, they are older enough, as is OP's daughter to understand the situation, and the in-laws still make plenty of fuss over them and my kids enjoy spending time with them, but neither do my kids think of them as their grandparents.

Why does it all have to about volume of presents. It doesn't sound like they don't include the OPs daughter or treat her as family. I don't think everyone in these situations need to be treated equally, especially when they're old enough to understand.

Of course the 8 & 5 yr old want to be with their cousins in a place where they will be absolutely spoilt, you can't blame them for wanting that, they are children. They won't see it has a negative impact on their half sister. It's a set of very specific circumstances - DD not having any contact with her DF or his family and DH's parents going massively overboard with their DGC but not extending that to an additional DC who they have obviously known since she was really little. It's really tricky to know what to suggest - it's just a really crap situation. Does going to the in laws involve staying over on Christmas eve? Would it be better for all presents from you & DH's side of the family to be opened all together so you can even things up a bit more with you & DH buying more for DD than the younger DC and then DD will have more than 1 present to open because she'll have everything you buy her?

Think you're expecting a bit much from a 5 year old, there.

We used to go to in-laws’ when my own brother was with my mother. Since my middle child was born my eldest would become very upset so we stopped going

Was it the lack of gifts that the eldest was upset about, or something else? They were 4 at this time, is that right? I don’t understand how all the children seem to be calling all the shots here, maybe I’m reading it wrong

@Gropiuschair will your Mum be on her own if you go to the in-laws?

They should go over for just a couple of hours after lunch then all have an evening together when they return.

Play the long game, the 8 and 5 year old will (hopefully!) develop some emotional maturity and realise how unfair and hurtful this all is. And a bit unfestive for you, your elder daughter and your mother.

Tbh the only thing I agree with him on is being amazed it's the first time it has come up. Your other children are 8 and 5 and you've mentioned going to in laws before and your eldest getting one gift compared to lots. How did you get to a point where you not only had 2 kids with your husband in this situation which he plainly isnt objecting to but also a stage where your eldest with him is 8 and you've both done nothing? If this were me, I would not be agreeing to go round with any of my kids if such inequity existed. I do understand blended families are hard and actually in an ideal world I wouldnt have one because of how hard it is to have equality between the kids from different families. And I understand why I laws may give differently in situations where the other child goes to grandparents on their side and get lots of gifts which the other kids dont, so it balances out. But here they must know your daughter doesnt get that. And the fact they're willing to let her sit there and have one gift when all the other kids have loads shows they're pretty mean. And why do you or your husband not do something yourselves, if you must associate with them, like buy extra out of your xmas budget to even hers out and then less overall? Or just not go/refuse their gifts?

Not adding to the main debate as think that’s been debated enough but I personally think the volume of presents the grandparents purchase sounds outrageous. I think it’s totally wrong to spoil children with so much, they don’t need a whole toy store.

I have told my family to give my children one main “fun” present only. If they wish to buy any more it has to fit into one of 5 categories: 1 educational (book/jigsaw, etc), 2 consumable (food, wash, stickers, crayons ie. Something that gets used up and can be disposed of), 3 experiential (day out and non tangible), 4 clothes (PJs, slippers, jumper etc) or 5 savings (into their JISA for future). They can choose how much to put into the savings pot and the spend is much better there than on extra crap they don’t need now.

Meanwhile the eldest DD will still have years of being treated like Cinderella whilst her step siblings gain "emotional maturity"

Great solution there🙄

it was to say how upset by my younger children wanting matching bloody pyjamas with their cousins while abandoning their sister ( and me) on Christmas Day

FFS, they're five and eight years old! And you're accusing them of "abandoning" you! They have another half-sister on their dad's side: by your logic, they've "abandoned" her in previous years.

One thing MN has really opened my eyes to is the fact that although divorce/separation/stepfamilies have now been common for generations, the adults involved often still deal with it appallingly.

I’m the grandparent in this situation with my oldest son having 3 step children and 1 joint child. I have never spent more on my biological grandchild than the step grandchildren even though I might have really wanted to ‘spoil’ the baby.
the step grandchildren’s father had died so they had no presents from his side of the family.
I have treated them all the same for birthdays and Christmas’s. This has meant I haven’t spent as much money on my biological grandchild because the money have to stretch to 4 children. There is no other fair way to do it.

Just wow! I hated my own (now ex) MIL with a passion, and she hated me, but to give her credit, she never treated my son any differently from the children I had with her son. And truth be told, I’d never treat any future step grandchildren or step children, and differently from my own. I’m honestly horrified that so many people seem to think that this is ok.
If you’re a family, then you are a family, full stop.

As you appear to be reconciled to the idea that your ILs and DH are happy to treat your DD as a lesser person than your other DCs, I think that you need to make that up somehow. I’d have a frank talk with your DH about this makes you feel, and point out how it will impact your DD as she gets older. Does he not see her as his daughter - in the absence of her own father?
I would definitely be insisting that my DD to have an equality in gifts. Even if those are given to her at your own mothers house, away from her siblings. How she must feel every year, when they show up laden with gifts, far in excess of her own.

Your DP sounds like a cunt for even letting this happen….it’s not up to the kids where they go for lunch…it’s up to the parents ( of which you are one)

We used to go to in-laws’ when my own brother was with my mother. Since my middle child was born my eldest would become very upset so we stopped going.

So your daughter decided, at the age of 4, where your family Christmas would be spent? I think you made a mistake back then allowing her to opt out of the IL's Christmas in perpetuity and it's hard to recover from that this far down the line.

Although your husband does seem callous in his dismissal of the issue, it is unfortunately inevitable that a family as complex as yours will eventually struggle to meet everyone's individual needs.

I also think some PPs are being a bit harsh on the step grandparents - if the OP's older daughter had a relationship with her father's family, they would not be expected to fill that role and provide a similar level of gifts as things would be more equal between the siblings. As parents who were aware of the situation before you extended your family, I think it's on you to redress the balance, not your in-laws, especially since you effectively allowed your daughter to exclude herself from their celebrations in the first place.

It's down to you to manage your child's expectations. I have a ds from a previous relationship he gets a token gift something nice off inlaws but they spent more on the other 2. Ds is aware of it. I feel sorry for the rest of your family it comes across as grabby like she and you expect a whole bag of gifts for your eldest dd. They aren't there to make up the short fall of your dd dad and family. Then by separating at Christmas your making a stand. I'm glad your dh takes his children and still goes.

Some people are just horrible. On my side of the family, we have blended, adopted and biological nieces and nephews. We would never dream of treating them differently. They are all as family as each other.

I wouldn’t let them go on Christmas Day. I’d let them go after, Boxing Day or the 27th and book something nice and fun for you to do with your oldest daughter, just the two of you.
Sales shopping or pantomime and a nice lunch, that kind of thing.
I’d make it into and opportunity to spend time with her and make her feel special and loved. A tradition she would look forward to every year.

Would your ex’s other family not get have some sensitivity and get her presents from them as well? Would her siblings not be getting her presents?

Agree with this. My mum is the big-present-buying type, but she does it for everyone. My younger brother's girlfriend is coming for Christmas so she's even buying her a massive stocking this year (they're both early 20s and don't actually want lots of gifts, but she just loves buying presents).

If the grandparents love buying the children presents, why aren't they including the eldest in that? I don't really understand the rationale. If she's coming to theirs for Christmas, and she's a child too, she should get the same.

What is wrong with the current arrangement? The youngest two may want to spend the whole day with their other
family, but they can just be told no! If they are seeing them after lunch in Christmas Day they are hardly being denied time
with them.

I wouldn’t allow your dd to be treated like a second class citizen. Bless her. I would spend more on her to compensate if you can afford it. At 12, she might like something fashionable etc, eg Nike trainers.

This would make my blood boil if all the kids are present, that's a toxic family right there. You keep your family close at Christmas, don't separate to keep DHs family happy.