Children and Christmas

[Gropiuschair]

My younger children of 8 and 5 want to spend Christmas with the in-laws, their half-sister on their dad’s side and their cousins.

This would mean that me and my elder daughter would be alone with my mother.

The reason why we can’t all go is my eldest daughter would have one present and would have to watch her step and half-sisters and their cousins open tons of presents.

I am heartbroken but my husband just thinks it’s inevitable and is amazed it’s the first time it’s come up.

My eldest girl has no relationship with her father or his side.

Just don’t know what to do.

But you've said that you need to be with your mother so the fact is you can't go anyway? So are you asking if your DP should not go with his children to his parents because you can't go and he should stay with you?

Can see both sides but surely the red herring is that your DD won't get enough presents.

If there's a huge disparity, you have to make that up yourself. It isn't your in-laws fault that your first daughter's dad is a wanker.

Make it up yourself?

Buy extra, in a sack and then give it to her at the in laws?

Just say no. You're not running a democracy. Christmas is home with their parents. Your eldest is with you as she's yours. Your younger kids are with you because they're yours and DHs. The step sister is welcome as she's your partners.

I'm a little confused. Am I right in thinking your eldest child doesn't see her dad. You are remarried to a man who also has an older daughter. You and your husband also have two younger children together?

Personally I think that your household should all stick together on Christmas Day. It's not really up to your youngest children where they get to spend Christmas Day because of course they are going to want to go and have a Disney day at grannies if she's spoiling them with enormous sacks of presents.

The way I see it you either all go to your mothers together, or you go to your in laws and tell them to time it down because they're upsetting your eldest dd.

I know on mumsnet it's fine to treat non biological children and step children like crap, but in my opinion adults don't get a free pass to upset vulnerable children just because they want to put on a huge show and buy peoples affection.

It's not inevitable either. How difficult would it be for these adults who are clearly well off, to buy a few special presents for a little girl who doesn't even have her dad in her life? It would be so easy to make her welcome. Arseholes.

I think this is harsh. I know she isn't their responsibility to buy for, but if your joint eldest is 8 and your ILs have known her at least since she was 4, so they will be to her grandparents, even if she isn't to them. It isn't an affordability issues, so how can self respecting people have sacks full of indulgent gifts for the bio gc, but leave one girl with 1 token gift because she isn't theirs, especially when they know she doesn't have her down df or paternal gps to spoil her (It would be very different if that were the case). Its bloody cruel. I wouldn't want to subject my dc to this behaviour, it doesn't do your eldest or youngest 2 any favours in the long run. If you ils can't see what they are doing is hurtful, then you all stay home, including your sd, and have a lovely Christmas together.

So many typos, but you get the idea!

I was the older child in this situation - exactly to the point of I had never met my bio dad after being 18 months old, when I was 12 my younger siblings would have been 8 and 7, meaning my stepdads parents had been in my life around 10 year - I will be forever grateful to them for treating me as their own and treating me absolutely no differently to my 2 younger brothers. I do not find their behaviour understandable at all, your Oldest daughter has been a part of their sons life for at least 9 years - she is a part of his family.

I'm surprised at how many people are defending the selfish step-grandparents.. They are the problem here, they've known her since she was 4 at least!!

At most 4, not least*

Sorry @Gropiuschair, I got distracted by the unfairness in the details. Your youngest dc don't get to dictate where they spend the day. Your dh and younger dc stay with you. They can't swan off to his dps and leave the two of you behind like the poor relations. He should be seeing your sd at your home with all of your dc. Of he want to take your youngest two on Boxing Day, thats fine.

You are a household. If you are going to your mother's then everyone in your household goes to your mother's! Christmas is not one day. You can all go to your in-laws on another day.
Small children do not dictate to their DP!

As you get older you get less presents (I know she’s only 12).

Could you explain this to her?
Could you get out of the house whilst the other children open their sacks?

Is it an enjoyable day aside from the present disparity? If so, I would explain it all to your daughter if she would understand.

If it’s not enjoyable then I wouldn’t go.

Either that or take her a stocking to open with some presents in.

I agree very shitty grandparents. 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you normally spend every Christmas with your family I don't think this is unreasonable really, it's normal to alternate.

I also think it's fair enough your in laws get more for their own grandkids, this is just the reality you need to accept when you choose to create a blended family and half sibling scenarios. As long as they treat her kindly. If you wanted to go you could always bring your presents to unwrap there so she wasn't going without.

It also sounds like the real reason you "have" to not attend is because you feel you have to be with your mother. So with that in mind, it's definitely not unreasonable for your kids to prefer to alternate and get to see the other side of their family some years too.

No, absolutely no way. You’re a family and altogether. Maybe the half sister can come see you in Boxing Day or similar?

But OP isn't spending at with her older daughter at home with the rest of the family, she's spending it with her mum. Why is it ok for her to spend it with her family, but not for him to do the same?

it was to say how upset by my younger children wanting matching bloody pyjamas with their cousins while abandoning their sister ( and me) on Christmas Day.

You’re upset with a 5 and 8yo for “abandoning” you on Christmas Day? Give your head a wobble and redirect your upset at your “D”H!

At twelve, could you sell it as an adults only Christmas. One restrained present, a grown ups lunch and fun together.

I couldn't wait to get away from Christmasses overrun with younger children. Still not very keen now on my sisters.

I agree. Why can't they buy your eldest a nice sack and fill it with a few inexpensive art supplies, a nice jumper and some sweets and chocolate so that she doesn't feel so left out compared to her sisters?

I'd say no. You're a family and your family has 3 young children. As a condition of spending Christmas with those children, they have to be treated fairly (not necessarily equally) and they all need to be made to feel welcome. Since the in-laws can't manage that, you'll be spending Christmas at home so none of the children in your family feel left out or second-best.

Personally I'd say no. The others have to spend Christmas with their sister and you. Teach them that people are more important than presents.

You should all go together. If you have to go to your mums so she isn't alone you all go there and that is the reason, then you all go to in laws next year.

Your eldest knows they get more presents and can probably understand why. I would also ask in laws to dial back what they buy for younger 2 to even it out a bit. Also buy elsest a couple of extra bits.

It is absolutely not inevitable that you wont spend christmas dinner with your younger 2 for any reason other than you and their dad split and are doing turns each.

My eldest never wants to see in-laws. Why I started the thread ( my first) was not to debate my in-laws and their Christmas shenanigans, it was to say how upset by my younger children wanting matching bloody pyjamas with their cousins while abandoning their sister ( and me) on Christmas Day.

I think people are getting distracted by the grandparents thing and missing that this is actually a really manipulative way of thinking. You are upset with your children for not wanting to only ever spend Christmas with your side of the family, and for being excited about seeing the other side. That is really unfair. It's natural for them to want to see their paternal grandparents and cousins as well as your mother and brother.

I'd say no. You're a family and your family has 3 young children. As a condition of spending Christmas with those children, they have to be treated fairly (not necessarily equally) and they all need to be made to feel welcome. Since the in-laws can't manage that, you'll be spending Christmas at home so none of the children in your family feel left out or second-best

Actually there are 4 young children - OP's SD, remember? The one who doesn't want to spend it with OPs parents anymore than OPs elder daughter wants to spend it with the in laws. And yet it's OPs mother that is being proposed.

Imo match yourselves what his dd gets. And your dh is a cunt allowing this.