Children and Christmas

[Gropiuschair]

My younger children of 8 and 5 want to spend Christmas with the in-laws, their half-sister on their dad’s side and their cousins.

This would mean that me and my elder daughter would be alone with my mother.

The reason why we can’t all go is my eldest daughter would have one present and would have to watch her step and half-sisters and their cousins open tons of presents.

I am heartbroken but my husband just thinks it’s inevitable and is amazed it’s the first time it’s come up.

My eldest girl has no relationship with her father or his side.

Just don’t know what to do.

Because OP’s mum will be on her own otherwise

@ancientgran well put, I still find it hard to realise that actual grown ups can be so lacking in empathy.

You are a family unit and should not be having to split up over Xmas. You should either all go to your in laws (including your mum if she is going to be on her own) or you all stay at your home and you invite everyone to yours. By allowing small children to dictate what is happening you are making it seem normal to fractures blended family. You and DH also need to have a conversation with his parents about how their present giving is perceived by your DD. Step grandkids in my family are treated exactly the same as the biological GCs, and no one expects families to split up on the basis of shared genetics

Sorry, missed that.

I think they should spend Christmas as a family with all 4 children, treated fairly. And then only invite guests or visit family who are also capable of treating all four children fairly and making them feel part of the family.

The in-laws don't make the cut unfortunately since they exclude the OP's eldest DD. So no time at Christmas for them. Whether the OP's mother makes the cut or not (and so gets included at Christmas) depends on whether she (unlike the in-laws) is capable of including the OP's SD alongside her biological grandchildren. If actually she struggles to do this too, then no time at Christmas for her either.

This sounds horrible. My eldest is treated the same as our shared child y my partners family. Given the age of your shared children I would expect the same. I would be telling them that were not going however having said that surely they still get the presents regardless so does it make a difference ad your eldest will still see them being opened where ever that may happen.

We used to go to in-laws’ when my own brother was with my mother. Since my middle child was born my eldest would become very upset so we stopped going.

Your middle child is now 8 so presumably this was a while ago?

I think you have two issues that are just as pressing:

Why your younger children don't want to hang out with older child and how to improve that relationship

Your PIL going completely OTT at Christmas. Can't you say to them, look we have so much stuff we're running out of room, could we agree to just 3 presents each (or whatever) this year? It's better for the environment too.

Does your mother treat your SD (husbands first child) the same as the others? Present wise since this seems to be the crux of the issue.

I’ve been the eldest child in this situation, as has my eldest child, thankfully both of our ‘step’ families welcomed us as a grandchild/niece etc and we were treated exactly the same as the other children in the family.

I can’t understand how people justify adults treating a child that has been in their lives for 9 years so differently because of ‘biology’ - that’s just plain horrid and for your husband to not recognise this is almost as bad.

I wouldn’t have my Christmas Day dictated by spiteful in-laws and 2 young children. Tell your younger children that they will spend Christmas with their sister and you as a family, your previous years system of visiting in laws with your husband seemed fine to me. To be honest, I’d have nothing to do with them if they treated my child like the outcast of the family!

We’re the in laws and we all treat my step niece and nephew the same as all the other children. Don’t necessarily spend the same but the principle of several presents and a gift sack is the same.

When we were kids and this issue cropped up all of the gifts would be there on Xmas morning mixed in with the parent / Santa gifts so it seemed less obvious, and then we’d say thanks for gifts etc when we saw people for lunch.

Your husband should be sorting it out really. But there is a solution.

Because OP’s mum will be on her own otherwise

I don't believe that's the only reason we spend time with loved one's at Christmas - so they aren't alone. The in laws are immediate family to OPs husband and younger kids, they want to see them as much as OPs family want to see each other.

Context is key. Being in someone's life for 9 years does not automatically equate to closeness. My parents have "been in my DSS's life", by virtue of me being with his dad, for 6 years, but within that time they have probably seen him about once a year, at most. They are not his grandparents, the relationship isn't there. There is no spite behind it, not in the slightest. They are just people that don't have much to do with each other. To expect more than a token gift from them would be absurd.

Maybe OPs in laws only ever see all the kids at once and her eldest should have naturally just become one of the group, or maybe they don't see as much of her as their own GC. It's hasty to jump to the conclusion that people in the in laws position are acting out of spite and going out of their way to exclude a child.

The OPs eldest DD is presumably always with the rest of OPs family as she has no contact with her father or his family. I think it is unlikely that the ILs don't see her as often as they see her siblings. Presumably your DSS doesn't live with you 100% of the time if they see him so rarely unless your family only see them once a year.

The OPs eldest DD is presumably always with the rest of OPs family as she has no contact with her father or his family. I think it is unlikely that the ILs don't see her as often as they see her siblings. Presumably your DSS doesn't live with you 100% of the time if they see him so rarely unless your family only see them once a year.

It's not out of the question that her DH might take them to see their grandparents without OPs daughter. They MIGHT see just as much of her, but they might not. A lot of people on here tend to jump to the conclusion that they do.

Well they probably don't see much of her now as they have clearly hurt her but as a 3 year old or when she was 4 and the family were visiting with the new baby or when she was 7 and they were visiting with another new baby?

Well they probably don't see much of her now as they have clearly hurt her but as a 3 year old or when she was 4 and the family were visiting with the new baby or when she was 7 and they were visiting with another new baby?

Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps it slowly declined over the years.

Maybe OP could clarify.

Personally I would stop going anywhere on Christmas Day and make arrangements for all the children to see other significant family members on Boxing Day or even Christmas Eve.

Your older child is old enough to understand the family dynamics even if she is still young enough to feel upset by them. If your mum would otherwise be alone and you want to see her, she can come to you on Christmas Day.

Scrolling down to choose from the menu of standard responses: insert response: you have a DH problem

you know taking your daughter to a Christmas celebration where she is treated as second tier is not acceptable. It doesn’t matter if she should understand that it isn’t her family. It still makes for an unpleasant day for her. Your household should be together for Christmas. Your husband should recognize that and the fact that he has taken on being responsible for considering the needs of another child, even if he is not her parent.

' We used to go to in-laws’ when my own brother was with my mother. Since my middle child was born my eldest would become very upset so we stopped going. On the one occasion my step-daughter came to my mother’s she rang husband’s cousin’s wife to come and collect her to go to in-laws’.

Jeez I can't keep up with all these people . I think it's a great shame for your poor older DD it's not her fault she has a shit dad and extended family .
I think as a blended family you should all go to your in-laws and if they don't buy sufficient gifts for your daughter then you make up the numbers . No child should be put in this position of adults deciding how many gifts they will or won't give each child .

if They otherwise treat her well and the issues arise largely around gifts, there is one possible, although expensive solution.

you and your husband start matching the presents for her at that party. Importantly not by taking away from what she would get at home because that will just create another problem.

@ComtesseDeSpair

i can't believe you just said

she’ll miss out on a proper family Christmas

FMD it's a PROPER Christmas with HER MUM & HER GRANDMA. WhyTF do you think a 'family Christmas' is more PROPER with people she's not related to (except her half siblings that she can celebrate with At Home, Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Her step Dad thinks 'so what'. He'll be helpful making her feel special won't he? Jerk!!

@Gropiuschair I'd big up having a grown up FAMILY Christmas Day with you & your Mum. Let her chose things for the day. Then have a FAMILY Christmas At Home with all of you Christmas Eve or Boxing Day or the day after. The younger ones aren't going to mind having two!! They're quite accepting of Father Christmas delivering presents to two houses.

So OP can go to HER mothers, but her DH cannot go to HIS mothers??

@Gropiuschair can you take your mother to the inlaws?? We now have some widowed parents, so they all come, no matter where Christmas is being held.

though, did I read it correctly?? Your eldest never wants to see her step dads parents?

no idea where the PJ's come into it, but why can't your eldest have matching Pj's too?

if the cousins are a similar age your youngest, it's only natural they'll want to play together.

how do your eldest & DH's eldest get on?

Your husband new when he had children with you, that you had one already. There fore his attitude on this absolutely stinks of shit. What a loser

I don’t understand this at all. Why are you letting young children dictate? Surely the obvious answer is you, your 3 children and your SD all spend Christmas at your house. You see your Mum on Boxing Day or another day and your DH sees his another day or you all go together to both? It’s utterly bizarre that you’re not spending the day all together unless I’m missing a key piece of information you haven’t provided yet.

Well it's tough. Christmas is a family day. If your in-laws don't treat your daughter as family then they don't get to spend it with your other children. And your children shouldn't be deciding what to do at Christmas. You should spend it at home with all your children and your husband, and any other day you can go your separate ways. Your poor daughter, I don't understand why your in laws don't treat her like her sisters. I never understand why this happens. In my family all kids are treated the same.

Either all the children are treated the same, or you don't go. It sounds like your DH has been in your eldest dd's life for a long time - long enough for her to be considered part of his extended family.

I can remember as a child going to my DF and stepmother's house and watching my half brother have a lovely pile of interesting presents and books, while I didn't. One memorable year I got a book about ponies, a bottle of acne lotion (was 13 with not that many spots!) and a jar of cotton wool balls. He got a big sack of interesting stuff I would have loved.

Don't let your oldest feel as miserable as I did. It was 50 years ago, and I haven't forgotten.