Children and Christmas

[Gropiuschair]

My younger children of 8 and 5 want to spend Christmas with the in-laws, their half-sister on their dad’s side and their cousins.

This would mean that me and my elder daughter would be alone with my mother.

The reason why we can’t all go is my eldest daughter would have one present and would have to watch her step and half-sisters and their cousins open tons of presents.

I am heartbroken but my husband just thinks it’s inevitable and is amazed it’s the first time it’s come up.

My eldest girl has no relationship with her father or his side.

Just don’t know what to do.

But the daughter (OP’s DSD) would be left out of the day with her cousins if that’s happening on Christmas Day. And she doesn’t want to. Why should she when her own family is having a Christmas Day that she would enjoy and is welcome at?

There are only so many special days around Christmas, and it’s not only about what suits OPs family. There’s the families of the cousins, and they will have their own in laws to accommodate too.

The grandparents can only be expected to host Christmas once a year, you seem to think they should have multiple full on days to accommodate their childrens step children.

Why can you not just have Christmas in your own house? All the children. Others can go off to see rich granny in the evening.

It IS inevitable. Will you hold back your eldest from you all being together for forever, just because she doesn't have as much to open? Is this more about how you feel? At 12 she will be old enough to understand it is not about the presents, and with some support will be able to understand ( though maybe don't expect her to accept) other people's perpectives. I suspect she will make less of it than you think.

I’d give her the choice, spend it with your siblings and dad or grandparents and cousins.
“We have Christmas at home and we’d love for you to be here but will also understand if you want to go to your grandparents”

Agreed

its complicated.
i don’t see an easy answer.

your eldest DD doesn’t want to go to DHs parents

his eldest DD doesn’t want to go to your DMs. I’m guessing that she doesn’t live with you and that she only gets to spend every second Xmas with her dad and younger siblings?

nobody is going to get 100% what they want.

you listened to your eldest DD when she told you she didn’t want to go to the inlaws. I think you also have to listen to the younger ones, who do want to go. And also think of your DSD, who doesn’t get to live with her younger siblings and possibly feels a bit left out at your house, because she isn’t a part of the family that live there all the time.

sorry - no easy solution. Everyone’s feelings are important here.

At 12 why should she even have to understand that her siblings will get more from their grandparents.

I feel really sad that the in laws wouldn’t treat her as though she was their grandchild. She’s a child make her feel part of the family?! If I was having another child with us for the day everything would be equal.

Sorry my last message was meant for the idiot who said that at 12 she should understand. I’m affraid I don’t have an answer. I’m surprised that your in laws don’t treat their son’s step daughter the same as their other grandchildren, that’s pretty disgusting. Maybe you could have them all to yours for Christmas and ask them not to bring all of the presents just the same amount for each child and then maybe if he takes the other children to see his parents again on another day (say Boxing Day) an you and your eldest do something special just for you two.

Children need to be treated the same when they are together, spoiling certain children because you have a different relationship with them can be done at a different time.

I have traditions with my children on the last day of school before Christmas, this year I've got my friends child for 4 nights as she is having surgery. He's been added to our tradition (my version of Christmas Eve boxes) because he's a child, with feelings who will be in my home!

The matching pj's for 3 of four siblings is bloody disgusting.

I’d give her the choice, spend it with your siblings and dad or grandparents and cousins

Maybe, as she’s already given her own daughter the choice, you’re right and the DSD should have the choice too. But then if she gets the choice then so should the younger two, and they’ve already chosen to be at their paternal grandparents house. Which pretty much leaves OP in the same situation.

But the OP's stepdaughter has only ever had one Christmas Day with one of her siblings. And unless I've misunderstood, it doesn't sound as though she's had a Christmas Day with her own dad for years either. And now, when her own siblings have asked to finally spend Christmas with her, people are saying it shouldn't be allowed because they should be with their other half-sister instead, and the stepdaughter should be put in the position of choosing between her cousins and half-siblings.

But that’s because she chooses to not spend it with her siblings and dad. She’d prefer to be spoilt at the grandparents.
The daughter of OP is not making her choice based on where she gets most presents, she’s choosing to not go there and feel like a sore part with her own family.

I think OP’s in-laws are disgusting and her husband is wet.

@Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime
Thank you

But by that logic, the OP's daughter could spend Christmas with her siblings this year if she went to the other house! She's choosing not to, which is her right. Her siblings want to spend Christmas with their other half-sister for once. What's wrong with that?

Because one is based on greed. The other is based on feeling excluded and isolated by her own family, at Christmas

Why does your husband not talk to his family about this? If they have closed ears, he needs to step up with an embroidered sack & extra presents for your daughter. She is already putting up with an absent dad. What about her bio grandparents on dad’s side, do they send anything that could be used?

I think calling a kid greedy in this context is a bit unfair. It's hardly surprising a child would want to spend Christmas at a house where they get Hamley's levels of gifts. The deal for kids of separated parents is utterly shit, no matter how much MN likes to insist "children are happier with two happy parents apart".

It’s not unfair. It’s totally accurate. It might be unpalatable but it’s the truth.
Theres nothing wrong with to being greedy as a child. In fact, it’s perfectly natural but it shouldn’t be prioritised over a child being excluded by the only family she knows and has.
On a basic level, the stepdaughter wants lots of presents and doesn’t seem to care about spending time with her dad and siblings.
The daughter wants to spend time with her siblings and dad but will be upset by feeling ignored completely by their family.

If the grandparents said “No presents this year” what do you think the two girls’ reactions would be?

No you're right. I overlooked the fact there was a sister for some reason, and was thinking only of GP/cousins. It does make a difference.

The bit that doesn't make sense is why are the 4 children in the family split up on Christmas Day.

Why are Gran and cousin being prioritised over mum and the mums DD.?

Why don't Mum and Dad host, DGPs from both sides, keeping their 4 children in one house to make their own Christmas memories?

I think some people on the thread are forgetting the Op and her DH will end up spending Christmas Day apart too. They are meant to be a couple.

Well of course because they’re their grandchildren. It was nice of them to get your older daughter a gift but she isn’t their grandchild.

So your younger kids never get Christmas with their dad and that half of their family because it makes you and your older daughter feel left out?! That’s very much on you for choosing to have a blended family I’m afraid 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why can’t you have Christmas with just your mum and older daughter? You sound a bit selfish if I’m honest.

But it isn’t his duty to do this for OP’s daughter. Why should he ‘step up’? Her kids should be free to spend Christmas with their dad and other sister, and it’s OP’s duty to make sure her older daughter has a nice Christmas with her mum and gran.

You're talking as if the couple are split.
Why should the Mum & Dad, two kids and two joint kids all spend Christmas together?

Why is the Dads daughter not spending Christmas in the Dads house?

I'm missing a NOT in there.
Why should the Mum & Dad, two kids and two joint kids not all spend Christmas together?

It’s a bit of a unfair leap to assume it’s based on greed!

Leave the presents out of it. This child’s options are

1. Christmas Day with Dad, younger siblings, grandparents, aunts uncles and cousins.

2. Christmas Day with Dad, step mum, younger siblings, step sister and step grandma.

Why would a 12 year old choose to spend their Christmas Day primarily with a new step family instead of their own real biological family that she has known since birth? The presents are just an added bonus, and the child shouldn’t be put in this position in the first place. It’s not her problem that her Dad got together with someone who already has a child and then went on to have two more kids.