Children and Christmas

[Gropiuschair]

My younger children of 8 and 5 want to spend Christmas with the in-laws, their half-sister on their dad’s side and their cousins.

This would mean that me and my elder daughter would be alone with my mother.

The reason why we can’t all go is my eldest daughter would have one present and would have to watch her step and half-sisters and their cousins open tons of presents.

I am heartbroken but my husband just thinks it’s inevitable and is amazed it’s the first time it’s come up.

My eldest girl has no relationship with her father or his side.

Just don’t know what to do.

I can’t believe how many people think your in-laws are justified in leaving out your daughter. What sort of vile people would sit there watching their biological grand children opening expensive presents while their step grandchild gets one present?! They’re clearly not even short of money so there’s no excuse. They’re disgusting people, as are those who agree with their actions.

if your daughter is equal in your DH’s eyes then why isn’t he saying anything?

The fact is, you can’t control what other people do. You need to have a frank conversation with your DD and say that, if you go, she will have fewer presents to open as the in-laws haven’t purchased her any. I actually think it’s worse if you buy her more to cover up the fact that they’re being arseholes. Let them show themselves up. Maybe she’ll ask them awkward questions…

You’ve given them a greater gift than a load of plastic to be broken, thrown and forgotten. You’ve given them the gift of having lovely childhood Christmases without resentment or awkward feelings.
You’ve given them the gift of being seen as an equal and whole family.

You keep your family close at Christmas, don't separate to keep DHs family happy.

The OP's children have another sister on their father's side.

I really feel for you eldest. Your in laws have been in her life for atleast 9years (going by middle child being 8) and yet they still treat her as an outsider🤬 That is so unfair and heartbreaking. She may be 12 but a bag of small things like sweets, shower gel, a book, body spray, gift card etc doesn't cost the earth but would make her wamted.
My sister has a step daughter and if she was ever seen by myself and my parents on Christmas or Boxing Day we always bought her some little presents so she had things to open whilst my nieces did-yes it was never to the extent nieces had but it still made her feel special that she had a pile to open.
All those saying 'she's old enough to understand' don't understand themselves how hard it is to still feel like the outsider after all these years.
If I was you I'd suggest to husband that Christmas Day is spent at home as a family then he goes to his parents with the younger ones on Boxing Day whilst you and eldest have a nice mother and Daughter home spa day😁

The dd isn't left out she's getting a present but it's not to her and ops standards. You can't dictate how people spend their money.

Stick together. Whether you go to your mum's or DH's, the children should stick together. Have you asked MIL to tone it down a bit? She doesn't need to treat your DD the same as her grandchildren, but a decent human being wouldn't be so obvious about it.

Would your mum be able to come to the in laws?

If your mum could come to the in laws then I would be trying to make it work. It doesn’t seem right that you and your eldest never go to the ILs with your other children and your DD’s half siblings and step sibling, just because of presents.

Personally I would be asking MIL to reduce the amount of gifts regardless of anything else - ie not just because of fairness between siblings but simply because I think an enormous sack of expensive gifts year on year is not good for kids. Could you ask her to put half the money into child pensions or something instead? (I know this creates disparity later down the line but I feel this is easier to deal with).

Good luck.

How horrid that your husband and other children don't have the empathy to see how shitty this is for their sister.

The youngest is five! Why do people think children within blended families should be mini-adults?

I think this is really sad, I’m assuming the in-laws have been involved in your dds life for at least 9/10 years? Have they never treated her like a grandchild?
My family wouldn’t dream of treating a step child differently, my step cousins got the same treated as the rest of us, no one would be be left out or treated unfairly.
I really don’t understand why they buy so much for their biological grandchildren yet leave out a child who they have none for virtually her whole life, does your DH really see no issues here? What if it was his dd? Who would he feel then?

I agree. It’s different when say a teenager joins your family but they must have been in her life since she was 2 or 3- it feels shitty to treat her so differently just because of biology.

My stepdad came into my life when I was 4 and his family have always treated me equally to the rest of the cousins/grandkids. It would have been baffling and hurtful if they hadn’t

I agree that you should really go all out to make your 3 generations of strong Women Christmas a huge deal. Conspire with your Mum that your eldest has lots of gifts to open, even if they’re snack packs of Maltesers hell, even if theyre individual Maltesers. Have her help in devising a dream menu, traditional or otherwise,

All 3 of you could cook together with Loud music and dancing. Dress up in your best clothes, or have som3 lovel6 new loungewear. Play shag marry, avoid. Do karaoke and Let’s Dance. Play monopoly and cheat.. ask your Mum what Christmas was like for her at 12, and talk about yours too.Give her a special piece of jewelry( doesn’t have to be expensive) , lovely birthstone rings etc can be got for a fiver, or you and or your Mum could pass something down Let the whole day be about her, just this once, dont say you miss the others, just properly value the people at your table. I would spoil her and your Mum rotten.
The narrative in your post is that all 3 of you are missing out. It doesnt have to be that way. But I would also discuss with your husband how things could be fairer going forwards, for example, if the younger ones get stockings at their grandparents, they dont need one at home, but your Dd does.
if you all go there next year, I might buy 1 small present for each younger child, but lots of extras for your Dd, sweetly explaining that you don’t think it fosters good relationships if she sees the others being favoured, so you will be her Mum, Dad, Granny, Grandpa and Santa. If you think that’s confrontational, just calculate the additional spend and take Dd shopping on Boxing Day.
Wishing you Best Christmas Evahhh

You've said what the younger dc want but haven't said what any of the rest of you want.

What would you want?
What does eldest want to do?
What does your dh want?

While I fully support including the younger kids in the decision making, they are part of a family of 5 and aren't in charge.

It's disappointing that your ILs seem to never have included your eldest into the family.
(Although as someone who was a stepchild from age 4, I fully see my step dad as my dad - to the point I actually forget he's not most of the time - until it comes to a medical form for family history, but I never saw his parents as grandparents.)

my DS was never treated differently by my DH parents. I would be very upset if each time I arrived my DS had to sit and watch every other child in the household showered with gifts and matching PJs. It’s actually quite cruel and you should be keeping all your DC at home for Xmas with your DH. You can go and see them on Boxing Day. Your DH should be telling his parents off . They can do what they want with their money and shower the younger kids with gifts but it doesn’t have to be shoved in your older daughters face

The OP's children have another sister on their father's side.

I think this is being forgotten by so many. The younger siblings deserve to be able to spend some Christmas' with their half sibling on their dad's side, and that side of the family. It isn't fair for all Christmas' to be with OPs side of the family that her DSD doesn't want to see.

My family Christmases were miserable, from a young age I didn't care about stuff I'd have much rather had a big fun family Christmas. Why don't you ask your daughter what she'd prefer? And you could give her more small / non value things. Christmas shouldn't be about materialism and that doesn't equate to happiness

My mil doesn't get on with my eldest. But at Christmas she spoils all three of my girls with an absolute mountain of presents, even though her son is only father to the youngest. Pil are definitely AH and you need to put your foot down and keep everyone home with you rather than splitting off. Your husband is definitely an AH too as this is not inevitable, it's evil.

As a family, you need to spend Christmas in a way that suits you all, not in a way that pleases two children, makes one child and one adult miserable, and about which the other adult seems to be shrugging passively.
The younger children can bond with their extended family at less emotionally charged times. Sleepovers in the school holidays for example. I'd tell them no and that Christmas is for your family of 5 (+ your mum) at your house and that's final.

I’ve never forgotten how lovely my dsis’ gm was to me; I had no idea that having three grannies wasn’t a normal thing until a nasty nun put me right at school.
My dsis was her only gc, and her own ds had died, so if anyone ever had the right to play favourites it was her. But she didn’t and she encouraged my dm to move on with her life too. It was messy and painful and she was a woman of grace, kindness and courage.

If I ever have unrelated gc, she will be my template of how to behave. Shame on your pils and shame on your dh.

I don’t know what I’d advise you to do op. I think I would be insisting on buying her matching pjs and a similar sack loads of gifts and bring her along anyway. I’d sacrifice an awful lot of other things before I’d allow a dc to feel like that.

The OP and her DH have created a situation where it’s impossible for all their children to have an ideal Christmas. The younger children are automatically going to miss out on being with one of their sisters even if the grandparents do give them all the same because otherwise the other granny will be alone. I agree with the DH, problems like this were inevitable.

OP can’t expect the grandparents to give their grandchildren less because there are cousins involved as well. OP or her DH don’t get to dictate how much is spent on their nieces and nephews. They could (wrongly) insist that they same is spent on all the children they have between them and there could still be a disparity. This is the shit people should think about before they blend families.

The only time we ever had this situation was with the grandparents buying the biological children premium bonds when they were born so they had £500 each that my eldest didn’t have this that was easily resolved by me buying £500 in premium bonds for the eldest. Christmas and birthdays this has simply never been an issue and had it been it would’ve well and truly nipped in the bud early on. the grandparents treated all of the children the same.

Have Christmas Day together, then husband can go with youngest on Boxing Day whilst you and eldest chill at home/go for a walk/online sales.

whilst it’s up to the grandparents how much they spend, not everything has to come back home - keep some gifts at grandparents to be played with on visits.

Have Christmas Day together, then husband can go with youngest on Boxing Day whilst you and eldest chill at home/go for a walk/online sales.

But what about the OPs DSD? What if she needs to go back and spend time with her own Mum on Boxing Day and the only opportunity she will have to celebrate with her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins is on Christmas Day? Why should she be forced to miss out on a fun day with her own extended family for the sake of her step sister and her step sisters gran?

Why can’t the daughter spend Christmas at OP’s house?

The obvious solution here is all the children at OP’s house for Christmas and an alternative day organised to go to the grandparents. Then on the day they’re at the grandparents mum and oldest daughter have a special day out planned.

That way no one feels left out. No one is left at home missing children, siblings or parents. The biological grand children get spoilt on the same day the oldest daughter gets spoilt.

The younger children can bond with their extended family at less emotionally charged times.

Their half-sister on their father's side is not their "extended family". She's immediate family, just like their sister on their mother's side.

It's bizarre that people are saying the OP's younger kids should never have a Christmas with their own half-sister because "families shouldn't be separated at Christmas"! WTF? It makes no sense. Unless all four kids are together, the family will be separated.