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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to pay for DD's train ticket?

365 replies

SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 22:57

DD started uni in September. She was supposed to be coming home this weekend. She has rung to say she is expecting us to pay for her train ticket.

I am quite shocked about this. She is on a full student maintenance loan and has received £1000 bursary this term on top of her student loan. One of her grandparents also gave her £1000 at the start of term. She hasn't run out of money. She said the other day she still had £1700 to last until the end of this term.
I think that she is now an adult and should be covering her own transport costs to come home for the weekend. DD says all of her friend's parents pay for their rail tickets when they go home (or come to pick them up) .

We are 4 hours away so not easy to pick her up for a weekend home.

We have already been down to visit her and stayed in a hotel for a weekend. As it is pricey, we can't keep doing this.

AIBU to expect DD to pay her own train fair to visit us this weekend?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 09/11/2022 23:00

Can you afford to pay for the ticket? If yes then you should.

balzamico · 09/11/2022 23:02

Back in the 80's I and my friends all paid our own but all of my friends have paid for their kids trips home and I expect we'll do the same next year when DD goes. To be fair, we can easily afford to and we'll want to see her.

Dotcheck · 09/11/2022 23:02

I’d help her out.

And first year of uni may be technically ‘adult’ but not properly grown up.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/11/2022 23:02

Tbh I usually do. Or at least offer. Maybe I’m a pushover. I know my parents did the same for me 35 years ago if I was homesick.

Tothemoonandbackx · 09/11/2022 23:02

She's an adult, if she wants to come home, and she's got the funds, then she pays for the tickets, if it's you that wants her to come home, then you offer to pay.

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 09/11/2022 23:02

Could you offer to go halves?

carefulcalculator · 09/11/2022 23:04

There is no right or wrong, it depends what your arrangements are with your DD and what you can afford. But it doesn't sound like you are contributing much to her living costs? Do you have a tight budget? I would pay it, we did/do with ours when they came home. I expected them to get a cheap ticket even if the time was a bit later/earlier, it was never very much.

Cats23 · 09/11/2022 23:04

Tothemoonandbackx · 09/11/2022 23:02

She's an adult, if she wants to come home, and she's got the funds, then she pays for the tickets, if it's you that wants her to come home, then you offer to pay.

Agree

Xmasbaby11 · 09/11/2022 23:05

Hmmm, it's cheeky of her to ask and expect it but she's coming home, it's not an extravagant holiday or anything, and it's lovely she's coming to see you. I would pay it this time and maybe decide on some rules for the future, ie pay for every other train journey home or pay for a limited number. I guess it won't be often - once a term? - as she'll need picking up for the holidays.

I went to uni over 25 years ago, a similar distance away, and I'm pretty sure my parents paid for me to travel home as it was quite expensive.

Comefromaway · 09/11/2022 23:05

Ds pays for his train tickets home (though the last couple of times he hasn’t actually stayed here, he’s been to friends houses!)

Vikinga · 09/11/2022 23:06

Of course you should pay unless you can't afford it. She's still a student and it is good that she is saving and has enough money and is careful.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 09/11/2022 23:07

I guess it depends whether she is more keen to come home or you are more keen to see her. If she gets a full maintenance loan then I imagine you don't have as much money as some of her friends. Perhaps say you can pay at Christmas but can't afford an extra trip. Really depends how much you can afford and how much she needs to come home.

WeAreAllLionesses · 09/11/2022 23:09

If you want to see her then yes, you pay. If you're ambivalent then don't - but you probably won't see her til term ends.

Halo1234 · 09/11/2022 23:09

I would pay it if I could. There is nothing i would rather spend my money on than the kids...no matter their age. She is asking for a train ticket not alochol/expensive clothes. She is still young and a student. If you can't afford it then that's fair enough and she should understand that.

LearnerCook · 09/11/2022 23:10

She's being unreasonable, especially as she has the money to pay for it.

She needs to get herself a 16-25 railcard. And I'd be telling her that what her friends' parents do is not her business or yours. If one if her friend's parents bought their child a car or paid for a luxury holiday diring half term, would she demand the same of you?

PinkFrogss · 09/11/2022 23:10

If she get maximum loan plus grant it sounds like she’s got more money than you/lower expenses, and should pay for her own ticket.

Full loan, plus bursary, plus money from her gran will be something around £5,000+ for this semester alone

Xmasbaby11 · 09/11/2022 23:10

I don't think I'd go and stay in a hotel to visit her though, not unless it's special occasion or an emergency, as she needs to make her life there and terms aren't very long. So that shouldn't be a regular expense. Just my opinion though and my DDs aren't at that age yet!

I would expect to help out a student DC with some one-off expenses such as new winter coat, laptop, contact lenses. That's the kind of thing my parents did because they knew I could get something better quality that way and it would last me. I think it's up to you what extra you give your DD, but it's a good time to think about it and talk to her about expectations so there won't be any more assumptions.

burnoutbabe · 09/11/2022 23:11

Next term say you will pay BUT it's booked at start of term to get cheapest fares. That's what people do if they have to pay it themselves, not wait until it's expensive and demand others pay!

Dotcheck · 09/11/2022 23:12

PinkFrogss · 09/11/2022 23:10

If she get maximum loan plus grant it sounds like she’s got more money than you/lower expenses, and should pay for her own ticket.

Full loan, plus bursary, plus money from her gran will be something around £5,000+ for this semester alone

You know she would have to pay for accommodation, right?

redbigbananafeet · 09/11/2022 23:13

I wild tread carefully. You might find less visits home to see you than you'd like.

SarahAndQuack · 09/11/2022 23:14

Does she have to come home this specific weekend? Seems to me the obvious thing is to say to her, sorry love, this is part of being an adult, it is now far too late to get a cheap ticket.

SkiingIsHeaven · 09/11/2022 23:16

Don't you want her to come back. You don't sound very welcoming.

PinkFrogss · 09/11/2022 23:17

Dotcheck · 09/11/2022 23:12

You know she would have to pay for accommodation, right?

Show quote history

Even after accommodation she’ll still have a lot leftover, money wise she’s probably on the higher side of average for students, depending on what uni she’s at. OP even said she still has £1,700 left over and that only has to last her another 2 months

Original poster
SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 23:17

Interesting that many of you think I should stump up. It simply hadn't occurred to me that I would be asked to pay for the train ticket. I can afford to pay for it but was surprised to be asked to.

DD's birthday is coming up and I offered to buy the ticket plus a student railcard as part of her birthday present. She wasn't particularly impressed by this idea, I have to say.

OP posts:
123rd · 09/11/2022 23:19

We paid for DC rail card for the whole three years. If they time it right the train tickets are really cheap.

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