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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to pay for DD's train ticket?

365 replies

SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 22:57

DD started uni in September. She was supposed to be coming home this weekend. She has rung to say she is expecting us to pay for her train ticket.

I am quite shocked about this. She is on a full student maintenance loan and has received £1000 bursary this term on top of her student loan. One of her grandparents also gave her £1000 at the start of term. She hasn't run out of money. She said the other day she still had £1700 to last until the end of this term.
I think that she is now an adult and should be covering her own transport costs to come home for the weekend. DD says all of her friend's parents pay for their rail tickets when they go home (or come to pick them up) .

We are 4 hours away so not easy to pick her up for a weekend home.

We have already been down to visit her and stayed in a hotel for a weekend. As it is pricey, we can't keep doing this.

AIBU to expect DD to pay her own train fair to visit us this weekend?

OP posts:
Gobimanchurian · 10/11/2022 07:09

My daughter is only an hour away, and a he got a student railcard for free with her Santander student account. She pays for her own train tickets home, so is motivated to book cheap ones (generally £5-10 each way). We will collect her at Christmas, feed her at home, and when I go to see her I get her a food shop in, take her for lunch, perhaps a jumper or some jeans etc. So in other words she’s not entirely fending for herself, but making her accountable for train fares I think is not a bad thing. We also pay all her hall fees btw which do stretch us financially. She gets £4500/year in subsistence loan and had a £1k gift from DGP and also from us for her 18th. I think the expectation combined with the lack of consideration of booking them optimally/cheaply (easy to spend someone else’s money) would naff me off. Equally I’d rather pay than not see them.. but set some guidelines /boundaries (advance booking, a budget, etc).

Notthetoothfairy · 10/11/2022 07:12

SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 23:17

Interesting that many of you think I should stump up. It simply hadn't occurred to me that I would be asked to pay for the train ticket. I can afford to pay for it but was surprised to be asked to.

DD's birthday is coming up and I offered to buy the ticket plus a student railcard as part of her birthday present. She wasn't particularly impressed by this idea, I have to say.

I’m not surprised, that sounds a bit like me offering to buy DC school shoes for Christmas. Of course you should pay, she is your DD and not even in employment!

Agree with PPs that she probably won’t bother coming home much if that’s the welcome she gets.

Asher33 · 10/11/2022 07:12

I paid for my own tickets. Like the OP, I received the full load and what was at the time, full grant.

louderthan · 10/11/2022 07:14

Does she want to come home? Or do you want her to come home? That's the difference.

ElmoNeedsThePotty · 10/11/2022 07:15

SilverBirchx0x0 · 10/11/2022 05:22

Aaah. Thank you everyone for your views. I do appreciate each one.
I have decided to buy the ticket and railcard as I think I seem to be being unreasonable on this issue.

FWIW OP I don't think you were BU.

Some totally batshit responses on here.

rookiemere · 10/11/2022 07:17

How much did the ticket and railcard cost out of interest OP?

Personally if you're on a low income, I'd pay for this journey and end and start of term ones, but depending on how much it costs then agree any additional journeys over and above that.

I'm quite surprised by these DPs with their blank cheque books and we are fairly comfortably off.

BeanieTeen · 10/11/2022 07:17

Well this thread has been eye opening - note to self for the future (DS isn’t going to uni yet) - when/if DS wants to go to uni, and expects to come home every couple of weekends, don’t be daft enough to pick a uni four hours away from home. I feel like this would be a given, but clearly a conversation needed to be had here. I think wanting to come home is understandable, as is wanting your child home of course - but I really don’t think paying for a long distance train ticket so regularly is reasonable, I’m really surprised this is seen as normal for so many.

BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 10/11/2022 07:17

I moved to London from the north and visited home frequently for 14 years, my parents have never paid for my ticket, I would never expect them to. She is an adult.

Scandala · 10/11/2022 07:18

I remember when I moved out at 17 to go to uni I was secretly miffed that I had to pay for electricity. (My parents had a low income but I still had a childlike sense of entitlement). Logically I knew I should pay (house share) but I was so young that it felt unfair. Am guessing if it’s your daughter’s first time away she will be in that transition zone too. She has adult levels of income but is mentally still a child. The way to approach it after paying the fare as a one off is to sit down with her and help draw up a budget. It will empower her to take charge of her own finances. Include a savings plan. Frame it as ‘paying yourself first’. Too many young women have shocking levels of financial literacy which is storing up problems for later.

harridan50 · 10/11/2022 07:19

I used tesco vouchers to get a young persons railcard when mine were at university then they paid for the train tickets

GemLettuce · 10/11/2022 07:21

You're not being tight, OP. Mumsnet is the home of the overly indulgent parent and their entitled offspring 😀

Changerofthename1 · 10/11/2022 07:21

I think once their own improper money you can take this stance, whilst they are students I’m always happy to pay for them to visit home

Drfosters · 10/11/2022 07:22

Honestly, it wouldn’t occur to me not to. Obviously if finances dictate that you can’t that’s a different matter, but otherwise I’d be paying even if she didn’t ask. But then I’m in my 40’s and everyone I train up see my dad with the kids he pays for my ticket. All a bit daft really but he likes to do it. Each family is different as to what they expect of each other- no right or wrong.

ladycarlotta · 10/11/2022 07:22

SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 23:46

I am starting to think I have been quite mean!

I don't think you have! When I was at uni 15 years ago I expected to pay for my travel home and was really good at combining my railcard with cheap advance tickets to get the best deals. Sometimes I'd Megabus instead. If I'd been desperate to come home and couldn't afford it I might have asked my parents for the money and they'd have given it to me, no question, but I wouldn't have expected it of them and nor would my friends. Your daughter is learning independence and part of that is taking responsibility for how she gets from A to B.

My parents did sometimes drive me back to uni at the beginning of term and combine the trip with a food shop for me, so they weren't that tight! They just expected that on the whole I'd sort myself out as an adult. I really don't think you've got this that wrong - I'm surprised that the attitude seems to have changed so much tbh.

yomellamoHelly · 10/11/2022 07:23

Our son pays his own train fair (2 visits so far).

But we have paid his accomodation (doesn't get full loan), which was a fortune, and when he comes back we pay for everything (so last time we paid for travel into towm, cinema and food and also fireworks). Train fare would be pushing it too far.

Flutterbybudget · 10/11/2022 07:23

I paid for my own tickets home, whenI was in uni. I went home when I needed to leave the accommodation for holidays - and not in between.
Every time my son wanted to come home, I went to get him, just because I missed him and wanted to see him, and wanted HIM to know how much I wanted to see him.
So, I sppose it really depends on your relationship and how you want that to develop.
Teaching kids independence is great, (my son moved out recently), but showing them that you love them, is even more important in my opinion. The one doesn’t need to exclude the other.

rookiemere · 10/11/2022 07:26

Also what is weird to me is how often these offspring are coming home.
I was a student in Edinburgh and DPs lived in Belfast, so it was a full days trip back. I never visited in between end of terms and I don't recall any of my friends going home either.

Awumminnscotland · 10/11/2022 07:26

Op, i dont think you're being mean in the slightest.
Personally I'd offer her money to buy a coach ticket on this occasion but I'd be in the habit of randomly sending/giving money as a surprise. I'd still make sure she knows if she needs money to ask. This puts the onus on her to manage her money to include a journey home but she still knows she can ask for money.
It often takes young maturing people quite a while to transition from having every whim catered for to taking responsibility for themselves.
As a parent I see a big part of my job is to gently facilitate this learning experience with love and support and ensuring our relationship understands this as my parenting as she grows ,that is, she wouldn't be new to this firm but fair way. It helps her also start to see you as a human with your own views and experiences and to start to deal with the fact that her view of your choices will be different.
She doesn't need to have the most expensive or quickest/ mist convenient ticket home. If she chooses to she can add to the coach ticket money herself.
Hope this helps as a different view.

SparkyBlue · 10/11/2022 07:26

Most people I know are partially financially supporting DC in third level (not in UK) so yes I'd expect to pay for the ticket

honeylulu · 10/11/2022 07:30

I didn't think you were unreasonable either. Part of student life is learning to budget on what you have. Provided she has the full loan or loan + correct amount of to up, that is her budget. It won't be "loads" but it's not meant to be a life of luxury!

My mum used to drive to pick me up and drop me off at the beginning and end of term (mainly because I had more stuff to lug about). She'd also get me a food shop at the beginning of each term as an extra and a young person's railcard each year. But if I chose to travel anywhere during term time including home I had to go by train and pay it out of my budget and it never occurred to me to say that wasn't fair. If I had my mum would have said I'm already paying a fortune to send you to uni and that's where you're meant to be in term time!

MillyMollyMonday · 10/11/2022 07:31

@SilverBirchx0x0 I’m glad you’ve decided to pay. I definitely will be doing so for my DC. The only thing I would add, as you live some distance away is to get her to plan ahead and get advance (cheaper) fares ….Actually not sure if rail cards can be used with these or if anyone has mentioned this (haven’t read all posts). But worth thinking about.

user1487194234 · 10/11/2022 07:33

I was totally skint at Uni and don’t want that for my DC
i give them a lot of support
It doesn’t last long,eldest now working,and is not in the least spoiled

BayCityTrollers · 10/11/2022 07:36

We support our dses at university with £100 a week and I still offer to pay for train fares etc.

DS1 doesn’t come home, we visit, but ds2 is home for the second time and I offered to pay both times. I want both dses to feel we want them here and we can afford it.

TR888 · 10/11/2022 07:36

OP, I think she has enough money to pay for her own ticket. However, I don't think the issue here is money but being new at living independently. She simply doesn't understand yet (I think) what things are her responsibility to pay and what are yours. She's probably assumed you'd pay this relatively large expense yourself, because that's what parents do.

I think you simply need to have a chat and spell out what expenses she's responsible for, and why. And not make a big deal of it as I don't think she was being intentionally cheeky.

AmIThatMam · 10/11/2022 07:40

My parents did several ‘let her sort it out it will be good for her’ type things when I was between 17-19. While I can understand their point of view now (looking back as a 40 year old) at the time I felt abandoned, unsupported, unloved. It’s a tricky age, she’s not really an adult.