AIBU not to pay for DD's train ticket?

[SilverBirchx0x0]

DD started uni in September. She was supposed to be coming home this weekend. She has rung to say she is expecting us to pay for her train ticket.

I am quite shocked about this. She is on a full student maintenance loan and has received £1000 bursary this term on top of her student loan. One of her grandparents also gave her £1000 at the start of term. She hasn't run out of money. She said the other day she still had £1700 to last until the end of this term.
I think that she is now an adult and should be covering her own transport costs to come home for the weekend. DD says all of her friend's parents pay for their rail tickets when they go home (or come to pick them up) .

We are 4 hours away so not easy to pick her up for a weekend home.

We have already been down to visit her and stayed in a hotel for a weekend. As it is pricey, we can't keep doing this.

AIBU to expect DD to pay her own train fair to visit us this weekend?

Everyone will have a different way
My ds mostlt pays for his own train, he comes home a bit as not far away but we often help him to but he never got the full loan , but did have a gap year and saved money but will need to use that for the remaining years
Some parents will pay others will not

So have you not contributed to her living costs at all? Because most parents are expected to as student loan doesn't cover everything.

I think the train ticket could go either way - I always paid for mine but then I didn't live very far away so it was cheap and often got a lift one way. I remember one friend whose parents would offer to pay for the megabus but if she wanted to take the train she had to pay the difference.

Perhaps you could fund one case of the cheapest transport available per term, if she wants more than that/nicer transport/leaves it until last minute it's on her?

I think i am missing something here. I have to confess I don't understand student loans/bursaries. Doesnt your DD have to pay all of her loans back at some point when she graduates? Therefore she might have plenty of money in her bank right now but its not really hers as its equivalent to credit card debt. I am assuming that anything left over each year means she gets to ask for a smaller loan which reduces her overall debt.

If the above is correct then you are wanting her to increase her debt because you are too tight to buy her a ticket to come home? Or will you also be going into debt yourself to buy it?

She only has 4 weeks left of term and she lives in a catered Hall of residence so I think she should be okay financially.

Student loan amount award is determined by parental income. The student doesn't choose how much to borrow each year.

But does she have to pay it back? If so then it is debt and possibly why she doesn't want to spend it on a train ticket.

Sounds like neither of you is being unreasonable but you both got crossed wires. She assumed you would pay her ticket home because it seems to be the norm for students' parents to do so, but you assumed she would pay as you hadn't offered to and she hadn't asked you to.

Can you offer to go halves this time (as the fares will be high at short notice) and have a good chat with DD at the weekend?

I would pay.

She has rung to say she is expecting us to pay for her train ticket.

I think this is the bit that muddies the waters. You didn't think to offer, and if she'd asked if you would then quite possibly you'd have said yes. I don't know.

But if she worded it literally as she expected you to pay (ie she pretty much demanded it) then she's painted you and her into opposite corners. Because if you retract and say you'll pay, it sends the message that what daughter wants daughter gets (to borrow from Prince Harry).

Does she generally demand things, or is she usually reasonable? Either way, a proper conversation needs to be had that you won't have your hand forced.

my mom used to pay half.

If you couldn't afford it, that would be that, and she shouldn't be assuming; but it does surprise me how many people seem to see students as well-off, just because they get a lump sum of money for all their living expenses in advance (much of which is a massive repayable LOAN). It reminds me of people who see somebody on benefits who runs a modest old car (and has a 'flat screen TV', of course) and then deduce that they must be comfortably off.

Being a student is where you begin to learn to live as an independent adult, but it takes time learning 'to adult' and there's no reason why you should be thrown in the deep end immediately by your loved ones who have happily supported you before now.

It always amazes me by how many people on MN seem to want to pull the financial support plug the instant their child turns 18 - and yet, if an absent father wants to stop paying immediately they have their birthday, everybody quite rightly points out that they usually still cost money and retain a level of dependence for some time afterwards and what a selfish person he is.

I went to uni the opposite end of the country from my parents and always paid my way home: overnight mega bus £1-£10 fare to London then a local train. No reason she has to pay for an expensive last-minute train ticket. Part of living away and student life is learning how to budget and making “if this, then not that” spending decisions.

I think that's a great idea for her birthday. Rather than buying something for the sake of it. Get her something she will use.

How about you pay the cost of a student rail card, and she buys the tickets?

The card will give her 1/3 off.

I bought my dc 16-25 railcard and she comes and goes as she pleases. She’s a similar distance away from us.

YABU and tight and that’s really quite awful to suggest a necessity like the ticket and railcard as part of her birthday gift.

I always offer to pay flight/train/petrol when my adult dc decide to come home for a visit.

They’ve rarely taken me up on the offer telling me not to be daft they have more disposable income than me.

The rare times they have taken the cash they’ve looked at the cheapest option and booked those even though they didn’t have to.

If they called and demanded I would ask them to restart the conversation tbh. They can ask but cannot demand how I decide or not, to spend on them.

Just looking at the £700 she has £100 a week disposable income until the end of the year. She has no bills or food to pay for.

As a student I paid my own transport home every time, and they weren't cheap either - also about a 4-hour journey away.
It came out of my maintenance loans and grants and I budgeted for it.
There had been no prior discussion on it so I'm not sure why she assumed you would definitely pay.
That being said assisting your daughter to pay for the fare would be a nice thing to do especially as everything is so expensive at the moment. Can you offer to pay half? How expensive is the ticket - are we talking £30-40ish or is it getting up into the £100 territory?

I’m surprised she hasn’t already got a travel card - national express also do a student one.

If she hasn’t it’s not a shit gift as it will give her money off travel wherever she goes. At the moment she’s only travelling home but as the years go by she might want to travel to more places.

Honestly it’s your choice but if she doesn’t want to visit due to finances, that’s her choice.

I think you need to put things into perspective. £1700 isn’t that much money in the bank account for a grown adult living in London who has to live on that until January. Whereas presumably you’re working and have regular monthly income that surpasses £1700? That’s her cap.

For me, I’m mid 20s so graduated in 2019 and now work full time earning £1700 a month. So I understand both perspectives. I was significantly less well off as a student and this kind of gesture from my parents would have really helped me out.

I weren't financially supported at all by family whilst I was at uni, but I had my own place with my partner over 100 miles away from them. At roughly the same time, my sister moved near me and went into student accommodation. I drive, so I also paid the petrol for us to go visit family usually once a month.

My sister received financial help though as she was on her own and the vast majority of her student loan went on accommodation. I didn't begrudge that, as I had financial support from my partner so I was OK.

If it were my child, it would depend on a few things. Were they getting other financial support outside of the student loan? I.e. we were paying towards their accommodation fees because if you are in student accommodation, the loan really isn't enough on its own to also survive off...could I afford it? Would I not see them if I didn't pay? Etc.

I didn't have a student grant (00s) and paid for everything myself.

She needs to get her own ticket. It really is a snowflake generation.

Actually a student can decide how much to borrow. When they fill out the application form, it asks if you want the full amount you are entitled to or asks you to enter the amount you are asking for (obviously having to be less than the full amount).

I was at uni in 2009-2015 and my mum always paid for my train ticket home. She used to say she wanted me to visit as often as possible so would pay.

Posted to soon. If you can afford it then I think you should pay