AIBU not to pay for DD's train ticket?

[SilverBirchx0x0]

DD started uni in September. She was supposed to be coming home this weekend. She has rung to say she is expecting us to pay for her train ticket.

I am quite shocked about this. She is on a full student maintenance loan and has received £1000 bursary this term on top of her student loan. One of her grandparents also gave her £1000 at the start of term. She hasn't run out of money. She said the other day she still had £1700 to last until the end of this term.
I think that she is now an adult and should be covering her own transport costs to come home for the weekend. DD says all of her friend's parents pay for their rail tickets when they go home (or come to pick them up) .

We are 4 hours away so not easy to pick her up for a weekend home.

We have already been down to visit her and stayed in a hotel for a weekend. As it is pricey, we can't keep doing this.

AIBU to expect DD to pay her own train fair to visit us this weekend?

I think my dc have too much independence and self respect to ask ( unless of course they genuinely couldn't afford it)

Buy her a rail card then you are giving her 1/3 off her rail costs for a year is in essence paying g a 1/3 of her rial costs.
If you can afford to help her out with the cost then do, if you can’t then you can’t.
Of she plans ahead & used TopCashBack she can get cheaper tickets booking in advance & get cash back for booking online.

You need to make her aware of how you feel about the issue not assume she will understand & get the message.
I always paid for my own travel but my family was dirt poor so my mum could not help me out with it.
My mum did send me £10 a week to help me with food costs though. It is only now that I am a single parent & unable to work due to being disabled that I realise how hard it was for her to spare that £10. I was the eldest of 5 so she had lots of mouths to feed at home.
I worked 4 part time jobs to make ends meet at college.

Do not pay. That sets a precedent. Believe me, if she wants to see you she'll find the money. If she's ever short of money then she needs to get a p/t job. That will teach her the value of money and that she's an adult, able to decide on her priorities. Tell her that you aren't the mother of her friends and it matters not what their parents do (it could be lies) You are making your own decisions and will look forward to seeing her if she thinks you are worth the train fare. If not, then hasta la vista baby. See ya when you grow up.

If you want to see her then you should pay or she won’t come. It’s not unusual for a student to want to prioritise their money for something other than seeing their parents.

Personally I think this arrangement is quite unusual as when I was at uni no one saw their families except for Christmas so it meant we only had one train fare a year to pay.

I remember being a student in a lower income bracket than my peers, and there was some stuff their parents did for them that mine could not - useful education about inequalities in life. But train fare home, which you’ve said you can afford, is a reasonable and normal thing for parents to pay. I don’t think making it a test of your relationship (‘see if you’re worth the train fare’) is a great idea either. That just puts a lot of guilt on her for reasonable prioritisation of friends and experiences.

If you can pay, you should, or at least go halves.

I was all for "if you can afford it then pay as her money won't replenish monthly the same ways yours will (presumably)". However if you offered this as possibly your only way to afford and she wasn't "impressed" then I wouldn't pay. I am happy to pay for things for my DD when I can but any comments of ungratefulness about what I can afford then I would not pay. Your DD comes across as entitled here.

She is 18
I was bloody self absorbed then

Say no OP
and your DD will shrug and say “ok - I can’t come home, later”

I would say yes without hesitation knowing that 18, away at university , huge change, big city, exciting times etc. I’d get her favourite food in, so her washing, treat her for the weekend and then drop her off at the station with a massive hug.

but many a mumsnetter will scoff at this! (And it makes it all the more enjoyable knowing this!!)

Wow you sound just like my parents (who I don't have any meaningful relationship with). Do you have uni/adult children? I support my uni daughter and hope to continue as she becomes an adult. We have a lovely close relationship and she wants to come home. I want to give her all the things I never had. Support love a safe home. Hasta la vista? To a child? Awful

Yes when I was a student I can't recall anyone making mid term visits to DPs. Just as I can't recall a single DP coming to visit universities - my DM was as helicoptery as they come and even she sent me off on my own - but these days it's apparently a real bonding experience with your DC.

Maybe it's good that young people are closer to their DPs, but to me - along with the insistence that a student with expendable income higher than their DPs should be paid for - feels a bit like infantilising what should be perfectly capable young adults.

@LoisLane66

do you have children? If so, what’s your relationship like with them honestly?

Head above the parapet, here goes ....
Are you not very close (emotionally, not distance wise). If you are pleased to see her, and you can afford it, would you not be happy to pay for her ticket? I certainly don't think it should be part of her birthday present. Different of course if she's coming back to meet up with friends, and using your home purely as a base to sleep at, but if she's coming home to spend time with you, then I think you should pay.

My son is at uni. When he has to come back for medical appointments we lay, otherwise he does.

It's his choice and he needs to,learn to budget. We could afford to pay, but it's his choice so we expect him to (and he never asks)

If you get full maintenance loan your parents are not expected to contribute, on the basis that their household income is too low.

And there are non financial way to contribute- helping with the moving, packing, maybe they bids buy her kitchen stuff, bedding etc, could have helped with applications, gone with on open days, helped with a level revision.

Plus she’s getting money from a grandparent, is that not family?

I could imagine having more disposable income than my parents and still expecting money from them personally.

Couldn’t imagine, that should be. Personally I think it’s a bit selfish

I will start by saying that I accept that we can afford it and in other circumstances we might not be so generous in how we demonstrate our parental affections.

But we always pay for train tickets for my son at uni because he’s still only a student and we are delighted when he comes home.

And I can’t imagine asking my child whether they’d like a train ticket home as a birthday present. And, if I throw my mind back, I think I would have felt hurt and rejected if my parents had put this on the table for a weekend at home when I was a student. It suggests that you’re not that bothered about seeing her.

This

I wouldn't pay for the ticket and I would consider myself to be emotionally close to my kids. But why that does not mean I want them home for a weekend - that is always fun - but they are meant to be at Uni. I want them not to need to come home - to have settled in enough to be confident that they can stay to the end of term. That knowing being away from home for 10 weeks doesn't change how we feel about them.

We have cared enough to give them enough money to make decisions for themselves and to not make this Uni experience all about us missing them, to not put expectations on them to come home or to phone home.

We'll travel to see them at the weekend, take them out for lunch, dinner, breakfast etc - or not because they can't get out of bed - that's ok too.

I am secure in my relationship with my kids, we speak frequently at no set times and enjoy each other's company. I am genuinely happy that my kids are having a great adventure, they do not need me to be with them, that they are not needing/wanting to come home, that they have met a great group of friends and their mental and physical health is in a good place. If they phoned home and said they needed to come home, I'd be there, if they said they were skint, I'd pay....but the normal run of events is that they are growing up, they are expected to budget and they are fully on board with this and paying for trips home is part of that.

Exactly this! I am astonished at the way this thread has turned into “Are you not close? She’ll go NC in no time and I don’t blame her” type comments!

Going to uni is meant to be a great adventure and the start of adult life. Coming home for weekends part way through term is fine if you’re really struggling but otherwise you’re just missing out. Term is really not that long and you need to be totally immersed and then come home in the holidays to your loving family and sleep and get cared for.

It has absolutely nothing to do with how close you are to your parents. Especially when everyone can FaceTime and WhatsApp at the drop of a hat.

I can't believe people are calling the OP stingy about this.

DD gets an amount through bursary and loan that suggests that family income is very low indeed. Last minute train fares are expensive .

I could easily afford train fares, so I probably would pay for it. But not everyone can, it doesn't make them a bad DM. They supported their DD enough for her to get to university, not all support is financial.

Exactly this! I am astonished at the way this thread has turned into “Are you not close? She’ll go NC in no time and I don’t blame her” type comments!

I would be seriously concerned with a dc who would go NC over something like this - I'd be seriously concerned that they were in a powerplay with me -manipulative, huffy and very immature - not sure how you'd fix this but it certainly wouldn't involve being manipulated into giving more money. I suppose there are plenty of adults who huff to get their own way too and people give in to them so they keep doing it.

Do you want to see her or not? Wouldn’t you rather she spent the money on something else? What a weird way to parent. Just pay the money you tightwad

We enjoyed our DC company and visits from uni do not only did we pay cut their train fare home, I collected them from the station and when they left, gave them care packages if food, toiletries etc I’d also make their favourite meals.

do you not really want to make them welcome?

A lot of people seem to not have considered/realised that the majority of the student's "income" is a loan. She is literally borrowing money to pay for things.

If this question was phrased as "DD has to take out a loan to pay for her train ticket; I can afford to give her the money but don't think I should" - the answers would be rather different ...

We are just too soft 😂😂🤦🏼‍♀️

The majority of Students take out a loan for their living expenses - are you unaware of this? It is completely normal and expected