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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to pay for DD's train ticket?

365 replies

SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 22:57

DD started uni in September. She was supposed to be coming home this weekend. She has rung to say she is expecting us to pay for her train ticket.

I am quite shocked about this. She is on a full student maintenance loan and has received £1000 bursary this term on top of her student loan. One of her grandparents also gave her £1000 at the start of term. She hasn't run out of money. She said the other day she still had £1700 to last until the end of this term.
I think that she is now an adult and should be covering her own transport costs to come home for the weekend. DD says all of her friend's parents pay for their rail tickets when they go home (or come to pick them up) .

We are 4 hours away so not easy to pick her up for a weekend home.

We have already been down to visit her and stayed in a hotel for a weekend. As it is pricey, we can't keep doing this.

AIBU to expect DD to pay her own train fair to visit us this weekend?

OP posts:

birthdaywanker · 10/11/2022 03:32

If you can afford it, I think you should pay.

user1487194234 · 10/11/2022 03:35

I always pay their train tickets home
(and bung them £20 when they leave!)

Solidarityisbetterthanchsrity · 10/11/2022 03:45

If I was her I'd visit you a lot less frequently if I had to pay my way home. Not to punish you but I know at 19 other priorities would win out. I'd pay it if I were you

youlightupmyday · 10/11/2022 03:46

My parents paid for me when inwas a student. I now pay for my mum to visit me as she is a pensioner.

Goldbar · 10/11/2022 04:16

There are some things I think parents should pay for if they can, and one of those is visits home from their children at university, especially in the first year. Yes, she's technically an 'adult' but there's no need to rub this in her face and make her feel like that's it, she's on her own from now on. Having to stand on your own two feet and manage independently by yourself away from home for the first time can be a bit of a shock. I personally found it nice when my parents coddled me a bit when I came home (paying my train fare, cooking my favourite meals, buying me some nice food to take back) rather than saying 'Well you're an adult now, it's up to you'. And they weren't particularly well off.

BeanieTeen · 10/11/2022 04:26

I’m surprised by the response to be honest. I would pay for train tickets over the holidays - so around Christmas, Easter the summer and anything in between if it meant staying for a week or so. And maybe if the weekend visits was for a special occasion like a family wedding. Not for casual weekend visits. I think if she wanted to come home regularly for weekend visits picking a uni four hours away was a bit ill advised.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/11/2022 05:01

I got a partial grant topped up to the 1.9k or whatever it was in the late 80’s. I paid for everything out of that. As you can afford it op, I would. It’s about telling your dd you love her and want to see her.

princessleah1 · 10/11/2022 05:21

Are you sure about her housing costs? I've had three go to different unis and housing for the year was approx £5000 then bills and food on top. I would check in with her that she's managing her money because what you describe sounds unrealistic

Original poster

SilverBirchx0x0 · 10/11/2022 05:22

Aaah. Thank you everyone for your views. I do appreciate each one.
I have decided to buy the ticket and railcard as I think I seem to be being unreasonable on this issue.

OP posts:

MargotChateau · 10/11/2022 05:23

My mother wouldn’t have paid, but then I never had any support from my mother whilst I was at uni (and she could afford it). I was so envious of friends parents, who paid for tickets home, and as another poster said, put little deposits in their bank accounts now and again for a winter coat, food shopping money etc.
You don’t have to pay of course, but if she’s anything like me, she won’t feel the warmth of home and will go and stay with friends instead on her weekends and holidays who feel a bit more welcoming. I know I did.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 10/11/2022 05:29

Does she actually want to come back for the weekend?

If it’s out of character to demand you pay something might be why she did it knowing you would probably say no.

Just a thought.

itsnotdeep · 10/11/2022 05:49

I pay for my dds' tickets home whenever they want to come home. They know I'll pay for them to come back at the end of term and back to uni afterwards.

FormerlySpeckledyHen · 10/11/2022 05:58

We paid for our sons to come home. Until they were working full time we covered all extra expenses like this. They budgeted really well on their maintenance loans, never running out, and we were happy and able to pay their transport home a couple of times a year.

CheeseIsMyPatronus · 10/11/2022 06:04

I never want my children to decide not to come home because they need the money for groceries or rent. If they want to come home, I always offer to cover it.

User839516 · 10/11/2022 06:24

I was at uni 4 hours away from home (15 years ago) and my parents always paid for my train tickets to and fro. I would never have asked though to be fair, if they hadn’t offered I would have stumped up myself but they always did offer. Honestly, thinking about how I was and how I felt back then I think it’s a bit of a stretch to call a 1st year university student ‘an adult’ 😂

Lulu1919 · 10/11/2022 06:36

We used to collect our daughter ...she came home for main breaks not just a weekend though.
It was a three hour journey each way in the car but the train took about 5 hours with various changes and was just a pain.
IF she had got the train yes we would have paid

Twiglets1 · 10/11/2022 06:37

I never directly paid my children’s rail fares to come home. But I spoilt them in other ways while they were home, like taking them out to lunch and buying them nice food or gifts to take back with them. So effectively it was worth their while financially to come back for a weekend.

ScoobyDoobyDoowhere · 10/11/2022 06:38

We bought ours a 3 year student railcard when they were on offer in the summer. Ww have visited him once which was nice and we speak several times a week. He hasn’t been home yet as he is at a prestigious Uni which is full on with no reading week and he plays more than one sport on a weekend and socialises and has Uni work to do so he hasn’t really had time.
We will pay at Christmas or once a term but if he was coming home several times a term then he would be paying.

Rowgtfc72 · 10/11/2022 06:38

I was at uni 30 years ago and it would never have crossed my mind to ask my parents for train fare.
If my dd goes to uni I guess that would depend on who could afford it better.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 10/11/2022 06:42

This may not be about the money for her, it may be about her relationship with you. Sometimes parents can think they have a good relationship with their child, but the feeling isn't reciprocated.

ChristmasCwtch · 10/11/2022 06:53

My parents always paid for my travel home. It’s a case of prioritising from your DD’s perspective. Trains are really expensive, she may prefer to spend the money on weekend activities with her friends at uni

RedHelenB · 10/11/2022 06:57

Why not go halves,

DozyFox · 10/11/2022 07:00

In uni five years ago, I was in a similar financial situation to your daughter. It never once crossed my mind to ask my parents to pay for my train ticket!

If for whatever reason I'd run out of money, then I'm sure they would have happily paid - after giving me a bollocking about blowing through all my money of course!

liveforsummer · 10/11/2022 07:02

I assume the ticket is significantly less than the cost if you staying in the hotel? I'd pay unless you are skint. I imagine it's true other parents are paying (most I know with uni age kids do) and she's going to feel pretty rejected if you're the only ones that don't. I'd probably have a word with her about her tone if she really called you up and just stated she's expects you to do though.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 10/11/2022 07:05

i havent voted
i am surprised you havent had the conversation already - i would have been nagging to book in advance - its cheaper
can she come by bus?

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