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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to pay for DD's train ticket?

365 replies

SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 22:57

DD started uni in September. She was supposed to be coming home this weekend. She has rung to say she is expecting us to pay for her train ticket.

I am quite shocked about this. She is on a full student maintenance loan and has received £1000 bursary this term on top of her student loan. One of her grandparents also gave her £1000 at the start of term. She hasn't run out of money. She said the other day she still had £1700 to last until the end of this term.
I think that she is now an adult and should be covering her own transport costs to come home for the weekend. DD says all of her friend's parents pay for their rail tickets when they go home (or come to pick them up) .

We are 4 hours away so not easy to pick her up for a weekend home.

We have already been down to visit her and stayed in a hotel for a weekend. As it is pricey, we can't keep doing this.

AIBU to expect DD to pay her own train fair to visit us this weekend?

OP posts:
Strictlyfanoftenyears · 09/11/2022 23:38

Blimey, aghast at the people who dont want to have their kids visit them................ Yes, FGS of course you should pay at least for a cheapo ticket if you can afford it......... (my son had a serious accident at 16 and may never get to uni, what I would give to have this issue)

GreenManalishi · 09/11/2022 23:39

Offer to pay for as many Megabus tickets as she likes

Original poster
SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 23:40

PinkFrogss · 09/11/2022 23:31

Is she likely to get that each semester OP? I’d perhaps pay for her train ticket and a rail pass this time if you can afford to, and then have an honest chat to help her budget. That’s a lot of money for a student, especially if she’s expecting you to contribute on top of that.

I’d be worried about her frittering it away when she could be saving a bit for when she graduates.

Show quote history

Yes, she will get a similar amount each term. I don't think DD is frittering money away. She just thought we would be paying train tickets home.
However, maybe I am being tight.
As my parents didn't pay for me to come home when I was a student 40 years ago, I suppose it just hadn't occurred to me that I would be paying for tickets for DD to visit home.

OP posts:
dancinfeet · 09/11/2022 23:41

does that £1700 include her rent due for december or is her rent already paid to the end of term? I paid for my dd to come home but she certainly doesn’t have that amount in her bank spare.

Original poster
SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 23:44

dancinfeet · 09/11/2022 23:41

does that £1700 include her rent due for december or is her rent already paid to the end of term? I paid for my dd to come home but she certainly doesn’t have that amount in her bank spare.

Rent has been paid for this term. Next lot of rent not due until January.

OP posts:
Lemoncurd · 09/11/2022 23:44

My daughter comes home a couple of times a term and has only ever asked for a lift from the station. We give her an allowance to cover rent, bills and living expenses and it's up to her how she manages that so we wouldn't think to offer extra for train fares.

LaGioconda · 09/11/2022 23:45

We always used to take DD to university and take her back, including when she came back to ours for a weekend or a reading week. It wasn't just to save her the money, it was because we wanted her company as long as possible.

PinkSyCo · 09/11/2022 23:45

ExtraOnions · 09/11/2022 23:33

My DD is 16, not away at college yet, but I would absolutely pay for her to come home. I love her, and the price of a train ticket will be well worth it to spend time with her.

OP’s DD presumably s older than yours, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your child just because you expect them to stand on their own feet when they reach adulthood.

CherryIce · 09/11/2022 23:46

ClaryFairchild · 09/11/2022 23:20

Do you WANT to see your DD? Because if you make a hard line here she's not going to prioritise coming home to see you. Expect to be sidelined out of her life with that sort of attitude.

This all over!
I would actually buy my dd a whole years rail card to come back for the odd weekend! You must not want to see her

LaGioconda · 09/11/2022 23:46

SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 23:40

Yes, she will get a similar amount each term. I don't think DD is frittering money away. She just thought we would be paying train tickets home.
However, maybe I am being tight.
As my parents didn't pay for me to come home when I was a student 40 years ago, I suppose it just hadn't occurred to me that I would be paying for tickets for DD to visit home.

Show quote history

I'm guessing you had a student grant?

Original poster
SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 23:46

I am starting to think I have been quite mean!

OP posts:
Kite22 · 09/11/2022 23:46

aghast at the people who dont want to have their kids visit them................

Massive twist on facts there.

I want (and wanted, for the older ones who have now graduated) my students to make the most of the life they have chosen - to do all the things that independence, and that living in a different part of the country offers them.
Sort, work, socialising, doing things they can only do there, etc.

As did they.

PinkSyCo · 09/11/2022 23:47

LaGioconda · 09/11/2022 23:45

We always used to take DD to university and take her back, including when she came back to ours for a weekend or a reading week. It wasn't just to save her the money, it was because we wanted her company as long as possible.

How sad that she wouldn’t have bothered with you but if you hadn’t done all the running.

Original poster
SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 23:47

LaGioconda · 09/11/2022 23:46

I'm guessing you had a student grant?

Show quote history

Yes, you are right!

OP posts:
Kite22 · 09/11/2022 23:47

*sport - I do not expect them to spend time sorting things

JudgeRindersMinder · 09/11/2022 23:48

SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 23:17

Interesting that many of you think I should stump up. It simply hadn't occurred to me that I would be asked to pay for the train ticket. I can afford to pay for it but was surprised to be asked to.

DD's birthday is coming up and I offered to buy the ticket plus a student railcard as part of her birthday present. She wasn't particularly impressed by this idea, I have to say.

Can’t say I blame her!

I can’t imagine a scenario where I wouldn’t pay this for my child.

PinkFrogss · 09/11/2022 23:49

To put it into perspective:

£6,000 per semester is equal to about the take home pay of a £20k per annum salary.

Her parents probably earn £25k or less, for her to be getting maximum loan

bridgetreilly · 09/11/2022 23:50

30 years ago when I was a student, people didn’t just go home for the weekend! I would pay this time but then have a chat about expectations going forward, e.g. you pay once per term and if she wants to come more often, she pays.

RedRec · 09/11/2022 23:52

Train ticket home for a birthday present. Ffs, I have heard it all now.

tactum · 09/11/2022 23:53

We pay for DD to come home. We can afford it and want her to be able to come back to her home whenever she wants to - why on earth wouldn't we want to make it easy if we could?

That said, my mum and dad never did- in the days of student grant. I had to pay for everything. I used to look at my friends whose parents used to treat them, take them out shopping etc with envy.

Whenever my DD comes home I try and stock her suitcase full of toiletries to take back so she doesn't have to get them herself.

Lemoncurd · 09/11/2022 23:53

SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 23:46

I am starting to think I have been quite mean!

Really don't think you are. It would be different if your daughter was struggling and you probably would have paid straight away if you knew that to be the case.

It may be that the friends whose parents are paying do have less money available to them so she really can't compare to them like that either.

Chilesstanton · 09/11/2022 23:54

SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 23:17

Interesting that many of you think I should stump up. It simply hadn't occurred to me that I would be asked to pay for the train ticket. I can afford to pay for it but was surprised to be asked to.

DD's birthday is coming up and I offered to buy the ticket plus a student railcard as part of her birthday present. She wasn't particularly impressed by this idea, I have to say.

Confused
TwoRockSalmonAndAHaporthOfChips · 09/11/2022 23:55

My parents would still buy the odd rail ticket home when I was living in London on next to nothing in my first graduate job in the 90s.

As a student, I very much considered that I still lived at home, and just stayed away for nine weeks at a time - I lived at home more of my time than at university. I was still part of the family and my folks never expected me to contribute from my little grant - though I did because I wanted to help out. They weren’t very well off but wanted to continue to support us until we could support ourselves.

If you can afford it, wouldn’t you think it would be a nice gesture to buy a ticket now and then? For your daughter to come home to her family?

Original poster
SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 23:59

Lemoncurd · 09/11/2022 23:53

Really don't think you are. It would be different if your daughter was struggling and you probably would have paid straight away if you knew that to be the case.

It may be that the friends whose parents are paying do have less money available to them so she really can't compare to them like that either.

Show quote history

Most of her friends are international students who are entirely supported by their parents for living costs anyway. I guess as they are paying for everything anyway, they probably cover cost of visits home as part of supporting their DC.

OP posts:
SkankingWombat · 10/11/2022 00:00

SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 23:40

Yes, she will get a similar amount each term. I don't think DD is frittering money away. She just thought we would be paying train tickets home.
However, maybe I am being tight.
As my parents didn't pay for me to come home when I was a student 40 years ago, I suppose it just hadn't occurred to me that I would be paying for tickets for DD to visit home.

Show quote history

Including the £1k from her DGM? Because if that was a one off, I can see why she wouldn't count that as available funds and would be eeking it out across the 3 years. Without the £1k she has £700 to last until the new year, which doesn't seem a huge amount.